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I have been posting for a few months.  And have a new question, exgf who has replacement will call/text but refuses to discuss rs, while she has been with replacement we have gone out, dinner, movies, sex etc... .even 1 session of couples T. She has been telling me emotionally she cant be around me because its a trigger of her fears. She called last friday, turned into facetime phone sex, since then she has said she does not have the energy to discuss rs/this thursday she decided that I thought she was a whore and that I deserved better than her and Ive been getting st... I had a couple of drinks last night, and figured she was out with replacement... .I texted her "Im having fun but last friday was more fun with you" got almost immediate response.   

Guess my question is, since my goal is to try and work on rs, should I not contact her(never goes more than 3-4 days) or tell her that I can not continue to be option just when she is not out with replacement, I know she even secretly texts me when she is with him. Dont want to manipulate, but is there more value in nc or her thinking she is not gonna have me hanging around?

N2P,

I think you need to decide what you really want. Is this relationship, such as it is, enough for you? Or are you waiting in the wings until she blows up her relationship with the replacement? And if that happens, is she a person you could trust, knowing that she's texting you while out with him? She has certainly shown you who she is and how she behaves in a relationship. Is this a person you want in your future? And if so, what kind of relationship do you imagine having with her?

As I said to you before in the other thread, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with and allow.  You aren't married, so technically, neither of you owe each other anything.  Also, ask yourself what you are "saying" with your actions.  If she can see the other person and still have you "waiting in the wings", why would she change?  As I said before, it is the "having your cake and eat it too" concept.  That concept doesn't just apply to pwBPD, that concept applies to everyone on some level.  It is empowering (also feeds the narcissism of the pwBPD) to know you can have two people in your back pocket when you want them.  I truly think that you won't find out about her and your r/s until you truly let go.  Don't contact her... .Let her contact you.  There is obviously something you provide for her that the other doesn't.  The key to the "cake" concept is realizing what that is, withdrawing it, and seeing what you are left with.  Don't do it as a manipulation tactic, but do it because it is healthy and won't allow her to have power she shouldn't have and allow you to see if she is someone that deserves that from you.

I hate to say this, mostly because it makes me feel like an idiot, but you might find some help with it.

When my H and I got together, he was with someone else. They broke up, we hooked up... .and then there was 6 months of back and forth between her and I. During that time, he moved out of the place they shared and into an apartment, and started dating both of us. I knew that... .she did not. He told her we were over, and that was a lie. It took me some time to figure out she didn't know about the dating situation. When I did... .I kept playing the game.

He wouldn't answer me all of the time, especially when I know he was with her. When I would come over to his place, he wanted me to hide my truck. At first his excuse was she's sort of a crazy stalker, and he just didn't want to deal with her maybe seeing the truck and causing drama. Later I found out it was because I was the mistress.

When we would talk about this situation, he would say "neither one of you know what it's like for me. This is harder on me than either of you. I love you both and can't decide." He would make comments about she won't put up with this for long, and I was going to 'win", and then accused she and I of 'treating him like a prize' to be won, when she didn't even know there was a game being played.

I went along with this because I did love him. I thought he was the perfect guy for me. I rationalized that I was single and allowed to date, and if he's got an issue with someone else he needs to figure it out.

I sold myself short.

I think you are also selling yourself short. That's my opinion, and I'm not trying to tell you what to do at all, but I am familiar with the push/pull. He was OK going along with things the way they were until someone made a choice for him. He would not make the choice himself. She found out he lied and broke everything off. There I was... .waiting to swoop in as the replacement... .as it were.