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How long can he live with a woman that is not his girlfriend (just his supplier in a way I can't explain here) before she realizes how disgusting, rage-filled, and unreliable he is?  How long can the women around him continue to be bleeding hearts and devote so much volunteer time to helping him thrive?  How long can he continue to deposit the money he earns from a business into his personal account and not get in trouble with the IRS?  I CAN'T STAND HOW INSANE MY STORY IS.  I used to LOVE watching ":)ateline"…but now I realize my life was actually a bit crazier than some of the stories told there…the only difference…I'm alive!

I know not to peek into social media and elsewhere.  I'm usually pretty solid.  I do peek into the banking app because seeing his chaos with money validates my, "yep, he still spends like a screwball, hemmorages money and will never REALLY get his act together" - SOO when I see in the last 30 days he's deposited more than TWICE my take home pay AND publicizing his "Business" - - I'm sick to my stomach.  There are SO many details that I can't share here, but I have no idea how he's still getting away with this incredible fraud.

I'm the one with an MA and full-time job who on the side designed an entire business and identity for him (US, originally)…over the years he (now I see conveniently) went out on disability and never returned to his job.  The one I CREATED for him allows him a most unique existence where he can collect massive amounts of money by doing a pathetically MINIMAL amount of work... .and perpetrate a near complete FRAUD. What I mean is he does the minimal amount of work by HIS CHOICE, not by my design.  He's now unemployed but running a business (the one I created) without insurance or IRS reporting of any kind.

I AM THE ONE STRUGGLING to keep my lights on and stay afloat.  There's no doubt I will EVENTUALLY be ok, but right now and maybe for some time to come, this is TERRIFYING.

 Oh Hope, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. I completely understand.

It all does seem incredibly unfair. I don't blame you one bit for feeling angry, for wondering if he will ever "get his."

The most important thing is like you said - you WILL be ok... .better than ok. You are already stronger, wiser, and taking care of yourself. You are on a journey of self-discovery and emotional health.

Your ex will likely never embark on such a journey for himself. Maybe he will always get away with things and have supply (my exBPDbf, for instance, likes to refer to himself as "bulletproof". Maybe he'll hit rock bottom and be forced to confront himself. In any case, his life is likely to be filled with pain, suffering, destroyed relationships, emotional turmoil, and a lack of true identity.

But your life won't be. 

Keep taking care of You, and remember we're all here for you. These bad days are part of the process.