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Bad thing first: I checked on her WhatsApp if there’s something new. Stupid, I know. I had deleted her number but still have it due to some backup of SMS I won’t delete – in case there will be some accuses from her side some time. Anyway. That’s not the problem. I was curious if something might’ve changed. Last time I checked her profile pic was gone and no status. She did not block me, I still could see her online. So she must’ve deleted me from her phone or changed her privacy or both. That didn’t bother me. She was still part of our group-chat from our team even though she had left the team months before. This indeed p*ssed me off very much because I felt like I could not detach properly because of that. Then our team went out at carnival, posted lots of pictures with me in it and just right after that she deleted herself from that group (big trigger I guess). But what I only found out today was that she completely deleted her WhatsApp-account. She has no WhatsApp anymore. This is so her. Withdrawing from everything and everyone, cutting out everyone of her life. She’s such a hermit, unbelievable.

Now to the good thing: while in the first seconds some rush of anxiety came through that she now discarded anyone I feel so relieved now. The same happened when she deleted the group. First the anxiety creeped into my body only to afterwards energize me and make me feel relieved that she’s finally gone out of my life.

Of course I’m not fully detached, otherwise I wouldn’t have checked on her. BUT, and that’s the good thing I’m more detached since the last time and my anxiety levels have decreased big time.

She’s flown under the radar and is withdrawing like ___. I am hopeful that one or two months from now I’ll finally be ready to visit my old team‘s matches as a guest again. Right now I’m not doing this because I don’t want to see her. From time to time she was still showing up. I’m still too vulnerable. But I’ll be ready soon. I know it, I can feel it. And also: if she’s really withdrawing that much and cutting out everyone now she might not ever show up again and I can really visit the team without any fear again.

She gave me a huge gift when leaving the group chat. Because it made me able to finally decide to not show up at matches. As long as there was this weird attachment in the group it was so hard but now it’s getting better.

So long story short: I don’t feel broken again or am in a lot of anxiety. I’m coming to a point of indifference. I’m not there yet, maybe I’ll always be a bit curious what she’s up to BUT it doesn’t hurt much anymore.

There are so many things I could still do to reach out to her. But I just won’t. And I feel good about it.

You know, often people say that you shouldn’t do these things with social media. That it doesn’t count as NC but for me I sometimes need to test the waters if I’m ready to get out in the open again or not.

It also happened with her old messages I have a backup of: I refused to go through all of these for months, I just couldn’t handle reading all of the abuse again. But lately I’m fine with reading them. I saw so many bull___ she put me through. But it didn’t make me sad or something. I actually am glad that I don’t have this craziness in my life anymore. So I’m really getting better. Soon I’ll be able to face the world again without being afraid of bumping into her or her showing up at places or whatever.

 |iiii  Good to hear about the progress. I also had difficulty reading through past emails, backups of texts, and journal notes that I have kept, but now I don't  have a problem reading them. I do get mixed emotions reading through the stuff, however. Mostly I walk away re-assured that I was a good guy in the relationship, tried really had to keep things positive, and really tried to help her as best I could.