BPDFamily.com

Hello,

My daughter has fallen back into destructive behaviors.  I'm feeling lost and frightened for her and our family.  I can only encourage her to use the "tools" she has learned.  I'm trying to use mine.  It just doesn't seem to be working.  We're trying so hard and it's feeling so discouraging.  This is my first post.

Hello freefall,

Glad you joined and made your fist post.

Sorry that things are rough right now.

How old is your daughter?  What kind of skills has she learned?

Does she live in your home?

Lots of questions so I can better  understand your situation and give support.

lbj

Thank you for responding.  She is 39 and living in our home.  Currently separated and away from children.  She has received dialectic inpatient treatment and is now in an intensive outpatient program.

Thanks for the info freefall.

Sometimes, when a person with BPD (pwBPD) achieves successes, it will trigger their fears of abandonment.  It doesn't seem to make logical sense until you dig a little deeper.  In their minds, they may fear that if they are well and functioning then support will be withdrawn from them... .they will no longer get the attention they have gotten when dysregulated... .maybe they might even be asked to leave and move on with their lives.  This is very scary to them.

Is it possible this is what is happening with your daughter?

It is also possible that she has been severely triggered by an incident or someone else's words... .

What do you think?

Since you mention you have skills as well... .are they the DBT skills your daughter has also learned?

Yes, it's likely that yesterday's incident could have been triggered by a communication from separated spouse.  We talked about it in the morning and she was unregulated in the afternoon.  She's in a bad way this morning.  While she was inpatient treatment I participated in a family education program in the hope of gaining education and learning the most effective ways to support her.  She's back to black & white thinking, feeling a failure, hopeless and unfixable etc.  She is unable to have any contact/communication with her children right now and this seems to be a huge stumbling block.  On one hand I can't imagine that pain, on the other hand I'm not sure that she's not using that situation, in part, to play the victim.  It happened because she was unstable, unregulated and tried suicide.  She wants kids back but now I'm not sure she's ready.  Neither parent has been responsible or a good role model.  This is a case of choosing where the least harm for the children is.  Nothing I can help right now. Radical acceptance.  Wondering if she should go back to inpatient.  This is draining us financially but we're willing to use our resources to help her as long as we can (until they're gone).

Oh dear.  I would be upset if I was separated from my children too.

Have you been able to validate her feelings and comfort her?

Just being near to her physically without words... .like holding her hand or stroking her hair while she cries is validation.

She may need some time to regain wisemind and settle herself down.  I don't know that inpatient is urgent unless there is a real threat to herself or others.  The decision can be made later if she cannot self soothe or allow others to give support.

It is difficult for us parents to watch our children hurt, it is difficult not to be overcome with fear and thoughts of the worst.  Endure we must... .for me, the hardest thing to do was sit with the pain and take no action except to love.

lbj

The situation with the kids is incredibly painful.  Yes, I just spent some time in her room holding her hand, stroking her hair, talking and then not for a while.  I validated what I could and explained why I couldn't  on some other statements she made.  She seemed to settle down some.  It helps to know I'm not alone in this challenge to help my child.  Trying to keep things in perspective, this forum helps.  I hope I can help others with this too.