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I'm on my 2nd marriage, this year we will "celebrate" our 17th wedding anniversary, we have a 10 y/o son together. For the last 2 years my wife has continually accused me of cheating on her, she CANNOT trust anything I say and there is absolutely and there is no logic to her thought process. She has recently resorted to violence leaving my face and neck scared. We are all walking on eggshells in my "home", she constantly makes herself the victim and states that she's going to kill herself. I have no hope that our situation will ever change.  

   

You have found the right place to get support and direction. I would recommend starting with the Lessons that you can find on the right side of this forum.

There are communication tools to help you communicate more effectively. There is also information about what to do when they start threatening to kill themselves. If a person threatens suicide, take it seriously and call a hotline or the police. I went through a period where my husband would say stuff like that. It was scary. My husband and I will be celebrating our 17th anniversary this year too!

How long has this stuff been going on? You mention that she has accused you of cheating for the last two years. Did something happen that might have triggered it? It doesn't have to make sense. There are all kinds of stories about spouses being accused of cheating for something as small as trying a new cologne or changing a routine.

Hang in there! Hopefully, some more people will weigh in.

MadB: I see that's your first post. If you have time, can you give us a little more detail on your situation? In addition to Vortex's questions... .

You say you have scars. Is she scratching you, or cutting?

Do either of you currently have a therapist?

Has she ever been diagnosed? Hospitalized?

If you can remember... .what is her specific wording when she says she's going to kill herself?

If this is your first time reaching out to anyone, know that stabilizing this might take some work on your part, especially if she's not yet ready/willing to talk about it or do anything about it. You've invested 17 years on your relationship. Please don't give up hope.

Hi Madbeacon,  

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I understand how coping with accusations, walking on eggshells,  and illogical behavior can be very frustrating.  

There is hope.  This site has wonderful resources to improve your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD).  The motto on the staying board is, "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Having this mindset has improved many facets of my relationship.

The first way I learned to stop making it worse was learning about the behaviors of BPD.  Having the knowledge to understand why my bf was acting in a certain way, alleviated a lot of my frustrations.  Here is a link to get you started. 

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm)

I found that having my own support system of my friends, family, and my therapist really helped me cope with many of my bf's behaviors.  Do you have a support system?