BPDFamily.com

We have been off and on for eight years. When this man is good he is so good but when he pushes me away like this it hurts so much. I have been crying for three weeks. I feel so stupid and so alone. He just stopped talking to me after a small argument. The only thing he told me was to come get my stuff off his porch. I love him with my whole heart. He told his friend he loves me but this has to end. I hate hurting like this. How could he just do this to me.

Hello Moving on strong,

  I am sorry that you are in so much pain, this kind of treatment really makes a person hurt.  My dBPDex quit speaking to me for two weeks before blowing up at me and ending the r/s, and we lived together.  She would at most give me a two word answer and leave the room, refuse eye contact and typically would put headphones on the second I entered the room.  The entire time she would be texting up a storm on her phone.  Silent treatment is a form of abuse.  Purposefully ignoring someone in this way is a horrible thing, especially horrible when this occurs from someone that is supposed to be on your side, the one that is supposed to be your number one ally in life.

How can they do this to you?  Their insides are full of trauma and scar tissue, they are furious about something they may or may not even understand and your little argument gave them a lighting rod to strike.  The sad thing is pwBPD are incapable of being in a healthy r/s for things exactly like this.  They hurt innocent people, typically those closest to them in their frantic fight or flight coping mechanisms.  Love and loyalty are something every human should have but these things will not heal a pwBPD's deep wounds.  They need persistent therapy and the personal drive to do it.

The final silent treatment and the last rage where my dBPDex tore down every last bit of confidence I had left after the years of passive abuse hurt me more than anything else in my life.  Take care, and please share your problems here as you feel comfortable.  Just talking these things out can help let out some of the hurt.   

Thanks for your insight. I was the closest person to him and the only person he doesn't talk to. I text, email,call and get nothing. It's like I don't exist to him. Whatever is going on inside of him is not because of me. I was a great girlfriend to him. Everyone including his friends say it and yell at him for doing this to me. I wish I could shut myself off like that. I'm the one crying while he goes on like nothing occurred. Like I never mattered. I wish he would of raged at me. I can handle that. At least I can defend myself. This is so bad and hurtful. I would never do this to anyone. I tell my kids that too. I told them don't ever give anyone the silent treatment and if it's ever given to you leave.

 Hey moving

  Sorry you are hurting. Ive been right where you are. I had to change how I LET silent treatment effect ME. It went from driving me nutz to being a blessing. What you mean I dont have to hear your crap. Woohoo!    |iiii

On and off for 8 years.  Mine was two years on and off. This is completely unacceptable and unhealthy behavior . And you know this.  Is this what you truly want your life to be like. He will not ever be "healthy"  You deserve better than.this. you are the most important person in your life. Dont beat yourself up he is not worthy of such a loyal caring person. The good news is you are worth all this and more.

    (I say this cause hes is not capable of treating any one oppropriatly) Hang in there 

I honestly feel that the pain of the silent treatment is the worst form of abuse. I hear and know how you feel. It has been almost 5 months. He totally devastated me with his cold, inhumane treatment.

I too thought he was my best friend, lover and confidant. He folded his arms and refused any verbal communication. He had asked me to move in with him. We were engaged. One day later he sent me an email ending it all. Done with me after 8 years and an engagement. How do they do that? Well, they are wired differently and the area in their brain where empathy is suppose to form is vacant. I am not sure when I will get over this.

Summer is coming and I feel the pain of going it alone and I hate it. I truly thought this was our LAST recycle. He has no clue how he hurt me and he really doesn't care. That is what stings. I cannot image treating someone this way.

Be strong, keep busy and remember we are all here for one another.

Shutting down like that wouldn't hurt, sure.  That we don't shut off like that, that we do cry when hurt are why we make good partners.  These things mean we are compassionate, that we have strong and sensitive hearts.  A BPD can go on like nothing happened because dissociation is a technique they learned as children to cope with overwhelming trauma.  They never process their troubles, it just builds up inside for a lifetime until something like this happens.  One tiny disagreement opens up a pin hole to all that steam pressure that is locked inside.

Thank You. I just wish I could stop crying and forget all about him. I know what you mean about the summer coming up and going at it alone. It's going to stink but maybe by then I won't be crying anymore. I wish I could be happy with this silent treatment but it kills me inside. Logically I know I should say you don't want to talk to me then get lost but my heart takes over and I think how much I love him and I would never do this to him so why would he do this to me. I will always wonder what I did so bad to make him never want to speak to me again.

Wow. You just said everything I've been thinking today. 7 months ago today on my birthday my uBPDexgf sent me a typed note in a birthday card telling me she was dating men after 9.5 yrs together. We were a lesbian couple. I think about picking up the phone and asking her what the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way. I b___ed her out the day I got the card, and did finally apologize, but aside from her hang up phone calls a few times a month, not a word. We talked several times a day for 10 yrs. Now I just think I should have treated her like crap, at least then this treatment would be justified. I hope if she has a conscience it's eating her alive.

Guess what? Like me you did not do anything to deserve such treatment. Normal people talk things out when it gets hard. Normal people meet in the middle, compromise. Mine just wanted to be in control. He promised we would get a home together. He then decided "all my things fit in my house, I am not moving." That meant when my son came home from college he had no place to go. When my middle son came back from his summer job and was leaving in 2 weeks for another one in New Zealand, he would have no where to go. It meant that it was his kitchen, his home, his way, no part of me.

Borderlines destroy relationships. They get close and move away. There is no room for growth. My ex said, "I haven't really dated anyone but you in 8 years, I need to date." We were engaged. Why the heck did he ask me to marry him then if he wanted to continue dating others? It was his way out. You see, they don't make sense and we try so hard to figure them out.

What he did to you was not right. It never will be. Please don't beat yourself up. Their brains are tangled messes. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It will get easier with time but it is a process necessary to go through to get to the other side.

I can't believe he made a comment like I haven't really dated anyone but you in 8 yrs! Did you say well neither have I! I can't imagine how those words even came out of his mouth. Did he think he deserved a medal? The sad thing is I can imagine my ex saying the same thing as if that somehow shows they have an ounce of integrity. I guess they just surprise themselves at times too.

I can relate to all of you. After a 2 year relatively trouble free and happy r/s, we become engaged. She moved in and three weeks later, moved out while I was out of town. I have not heard anything from her and she has blocked all forms of communication with her. Its been 6 months and I have not heard 'boo' from her. The cut off and silent treatment are profoundly painful and abusive. I think that one of the things that has challenged me the most is knowing that this it comes from an individual that I loved SO much that I would have had no problem standing in front of a speeding truck for just moments before her disappearing act. 

I am sorry the best thing is now to have a good cry and contemplate the future this will never get better on a consistent basis this will always repeat going nc is a very rough path but little by little your sanity feels so much better ... .maybe give a whirl?

I'm not happy anyone is going through this but at least I know I'm not alone. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to move on. It's so hard though. It hurts and the only advice I get from them is to move on and they say he will come back like in the past and they say don't take him back but you will. 

I don't know if she'll come back or not at this point. It's been seven months since the break and as for contact it's been as close to zero as you can get aside from her monthly hang ups. I know no one I know understands what I am going thru. Hell, I don't even understand it. I remember a long time ago (years) thinking that if she left I'd grieve one week and be done. Last night, I was laying awake cursing her from here to kingdom come. No one, and I mean no one has ever had this kind of emotional lock on me, nor treated me so poorly. It has altered my personality, I fear irrevocably.

Shadow,

Thanks for your understanding and sympathy. Yeh, needed to date after engagement! Can you believe how cruel that is. Like asking someone to marry you and getting on your knee and looking like your taking it seriously meant nothing? So sick at 4 3/4 months out I still can't wrap my head around it. Cruel is the only word I can think of.

I have lost motivation, drive, I am not the true me and I know this depression is not good. I had seeing RV's as he bought one, I think wow, he has replacement in there traveling with all my stuff inside. All my dishes, pillows, he could care less.  He is still holding my sons video of his wedding hostage. He never picked up his belongings he needed so badly. I threw them out after 2 months.

I am going on vacation next month to Cabo where we have a timeshare together. After that, I will make a decision to move out of his backyard (only two miles from my house) and to get an attorney to divide or get rid of the timeshare. Thee thought of having to deal with my ex fiance turned abuser turned monster is stressing me out.

Anyway, thank you all for just being here!

Yes thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone in all of this. I still wish he would call just to tell me what was so bad to make him never want to talk to me again.

they will never give you the closure nor admit any fault (unless they need supply) someone in this group said it best "they are predictable in their unpredictability "they do what it takes for control and supply it's never about you ,you are just an object ,an extension on how they feel, I hated to accept this to but it is true  ,,

I completely know how you feel. It's been almost one year since my ex disappeared while I was at work taking our baby. Not one word from her. Just know this, it's not about you. It's about them and your the only person that can end it.

I remember your story... .did you ever hear anything back?

(tried to send this via PM but it failed for some reason)

Well no ... her family is turning against her. her sister is defending me on Facebook which shocked me. But no we still cannot locate her, the grandmother is being sued by us and she didn't show up for court so I got a judgment lol. My ex is sicker than we thought. One of family members on a sworn affidavit said she has no soul. So... .Yeah.

Wow... .thats a lot of drama... .sorry to hear that you are going through all of that!

(tried to respond to your private message and the system gave me an error again)

it's ok man. I'll survive. She'll be caught. Can't run away forever.

That's true, didn't they catch that murderer Whitey Bugler after decades on the lam?

Hey,... I hear ya'. Back before I left my spouse, I used to get the silent treatment followed by rages ... .then back to the silent treatment... .all of it is/was abuse, pure and simple.

Now, ... .I love silent treatment. It is truly a blessing now. It is a wonderful form of No Contact. Except it is initiated by my ex. However, now my ex knows l like silent treatment. I prefer it.   Today, I got 162 abusive texts from my ex. I do not even reply. It's pointless. I am going to start a new thread topic titled: how many nonsense texts (or emails) did YOU get today? Stay tuned.

I wish I loved it but I hate it. I really don't think he will speak to me again. I reached out one last time with an email and no reply.  After eight years he could of just told me he hated me instead of treating me like this after an argument.

I can relate MOS... .I think that if my r/s was one of those where she had raged, that her silent treatment would have been more bearable. But we never had any fighting at all. One day almost 6 months ago, something told her to run away and I never spoke to her again. I never even got an explanation of any kind at all. Its abuse for certain... .

I am supposed to be in NC and am getting the silent treatment... .which I hate only because I hate going through withdrawals from my drug of choice... .her!

Because I am pretty week when it comes to NC and have always preferred limited contact I had to do something to get her mad enough at me so she would give me the silent treatment - which I need to heal.

So a week or so again I sent her a text requesting money she owes me and included vergiage designed to piss her off "... .I know it is very easy for you to get money from somebody... .so do the right thing... .blah blah."     Insted of ignoring she sent back an irate text message.

Sure it would be nice to get the $ she owes me ( 1% chance of that happening unless I really want to escalate into drama I don't need) but no question I hit a raw nerve and have not heard from her since.

Silent treatment during the r/s would have been preferable to what I got from her.  Silent treatment now feels worse than a punch but it is a good thing in the long run.

nowwhat you have to kiss that money goodbye,, of course you are not hearing from her she has already justified why you are not going to be repaid,, it's a way to get your attention ... .they do not respond to have control over you ,, she knows it bothers you... .you can ask you won't get you can sue and she will secretly love that attention to ,,stay NC and move on my friend you deserve better

My ex owes me big time bucks. Probably close to 100K, and I hadn't considered the possibility she never brought it up when she told me last summer she and her kids were going down "a different path" (9.5 yr lesbian relationship. Different path was back to men, in a typed note, no less. Ha!) My thought now is maybe she didn't bring it up as an excuse for me to go after her. And I can assure you I wouldn't mind humiliating her in court, but these last two posts have given me a different perspective on the matter. In the past she would always say I'll pay you back what I owe you. Not a word was mentioned this time and she knew I would be enraged about the money.

She mentioned only that I had been a good friend and to let her know if I wanted her to send me photos of her kids in their activities. How's that for a kick in the teeth after 9.5 years together? After I gave her an earful in voicemail because she was afraid to pick up the phone when I called, she has shown just what a stone cold heart looks like.

wow,,that is a lot of money ,,and don't think a rational person would blame you for trying to recover it ,,but if you decide to do that she will use it as a way to try to humiliate you and smear you to you and everyone else and will throw out any God awful accusations in an open court she wont care if there is no truth behind them ... .one of my BPD ex's lost a custody battle I of course believed her smears but when he came to pick up the Kids he was kind and polite I thought "no,,he can't possibly be the monster she portrays him as " turns out I was right ,

I'm not happy anyone is going through this but at least I know I'm not alone. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to move on. It's so hard though. It hurts and the only advice I get from them is to move on and they say he will come back like in the past and they say don't take him back but you will.

I understand my friend. Hope is what really hurts the most, its what most of us humans have in our hearts to get us through the bad times.

what makes this all so very very hard is you have been put in a no win situation by somone who you would have given the world too.

In a normal relationship you would at least know you both tried and maybe it didnt work out, with this situation it fels like you never even knew the person in the first place even though your heart is still living with them and you care so very much.

I wrote a story, not something I would ever do in a million years normally, it sort of came out of me and I wrote it in one sitting without stopping, its my way of trying to get in the heart and mind of a BPD person and my hope that they will one day understand the error of their ways, although I also know through what I have read this is very very unlikely

I do not know how to post the story up, if anyone can help you are welcome to read it, its a pdf format.

Whatever else, and whatever your personal hell feels like, make sure tonight before you go to sleep you tell yourself that you gave them a taste of what love, loyalty, caring, friendship, support, adoration and generaly being a good person felt like. You could have done no more, they are like fledglings in a nest watching everyone else fly away and learn to sing and build nests and they just stay there, too afraid they will drop tothe ground. You tried with all your heart to try and teach them to fly and tell them it was ok to fail and try again, you would be there. They canthear you, they cant trust, they canttrust themselves. Love yourself every day, forgive yourself for any frustrated words or actions you said or did, weare only human thats all we can ever be. You gave your best. Hope you find some peace very soon, that goes to every sad broken heart out there, to everyone who has been hurt in this unique, intense and life altering way.

Thanks so much for that. I feel better today than I did. It's almost a month. He is just an inconsiderate jerk. I really did love him but I guess he didn't love me. I'm coming to accept that fact. He used me. I can't do anything else but if anyone i knows comes into contact with someone like him. I will help them. My heart is broje and it will repair. His wont. He doesn't feel he has a problem.

MoS... .I am going to quote something that someone posted on a thread that really helped me to frame things into perspective... .I hope that this helps:

"Wrap your head around this - you actually meant everything to her; so much so, that the fear of losing you shows itself in such maladaptive behavior as to leave you before you could leave her.  It is not logical; but if she didn't care about you - you likely would not be seeing this side to her.

This behavior you are seeing is not a personal attack on you - even though it feels this way.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it will all start to feel different as you become less hurt and more capable of absorbing the facts."

Well if that is true which I have a very hard time comprehending that it's even worse than I thought. It means that two people who really love each other will never be together again because of a PD.

I have a totally different perspective on "silent treatment".  Sometimes, when I have been very upset with something, I go inwards... .this is my attempt at not lashing out at my children/husband.  This type of silence and preoccupation is not meant as punishment for my loved ones... .it is a means to allow me to get centered and to process the negative emotions that have for some reason been triggered in me.

To me it seems that what we commonly call "silent treatment" is a person trying to overcome his or her inner turmoil.

I will give a personal analogy to make my meaning clearer.  I had a fall from a bike and lay on the road with a concussion.  I was somewhat aware of my surroundings... .but was stunned enough not to want to get up yet.  My children and husband came running and seeing me lying on the ground still... .they prodded me up and helped me walk back to the house.  It did not feel right at all.  My brain and my mind was screaming for permission to continue to be still for a short time... my brain badly needed that physical stillness and inner mental focus within myself... .their help forced me to get up too quickly.

I think that the "silent treatment" is very much like a spirit gone into concussion from strong trauma.  Understand though that what is strongly traumatic to a BPD sufferer may not even seem important to a non-BPD individual.

So, in my opinion, when a person is silent and withdrawn... .let them be... .they are probably trying to pull together the threads of their psyche that have unraveled... .this is their time out.  Give yourself time out at this time too... .recoup yourself, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk... .continue to be your normal self.

This could be the BPD sufferer's self-soothing mechanism and the process of their self-soothing may be getting aborted by us non's well intentioned but misguided concern.

Comments and criticisms welcome... .

I had a hard time comprehending this as well and it made me sad... .I would have given anything to her and done anything to make her happy. She had lived her entire life looking for someone who loved her unconditionally and she found that in me. Imagine my reaction when she moved out of my house (after having moved in three weeks earlier) while I was away for work... .I received an angry text and then nothing. She blocked me and I have not spoke to her since.

It doesn't seem like the deeds of a person who is profoundly in love with the other. Add to that the hatred and smear campaign that she launched to justify this action.

The problem is that we are apply OUR logic against theirs where their feelings are facts and nothing else. Mental illness is like that and that is what BPD is all about.

This is not to say that you will never be together again... .there is always hope. But if you do reconcile in the future, you will need to be prepared to ask some hard questions and if you don't receive the proper responses, you will need to do what is right for you. That might end up being walking away or toughing it out. You will make that decision but in the interim, you need to love yourself and spoil you.

P

I think that your perspective is interesting... .it sounds like a healthy way of coping with a situation... .it IS the first time that I have heard it here and will add it to all that I have learned about BPD. It does, however, run counter to what I have come to understand about the silent treatment to this point. While my situation does not constitute a universal truth, my ex has given me the silent treatment now for 6 months and has built almost insurmountable walls to contact. This seems incredibly excessive within the context of overcoming their demons. Yet this scenario seems to be fairly common within the entire scheme of things. Take into consideration the distortion campaigns. lashing out in anger and the other associated machinations and tactics and it sure seems to support that it is punitive.

Perhaps there is some percentage that do think that but I have not read any accounts here that would corroborate. If you come across something, please post it as I and I am certain that others, would like to read.

I am posting a link that describes the Silent Treatment for MoS

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

 

I also think that that's what's really happening. From the outside it might look like they want to punish us etc. But I don't think they are really concsious about what they're doing. I guess it's them trying to cope with their turmoil. At least I think it's their primary goal and we should allow that. Even though we feel abused (and we are allowed to feel that way because it hurts) I don't think it is about us most of the time. The silent treatment as a way to punish us is more performed by sociopaths, psychopaths or narcissists and even there I wouldn't be too sure that they are always conscious about that. BPDs are not evil people, they are not the devil. They often just don't know what's happening around them and they are looking for a way out. Don't take it too personally.

I don't see that when one couple it with smear campaigns, raging and associated anger that one can see it as anything BUT punitive.

My exBPD fiancé showed his silent treatment by inviting me over then folding his arms, giving me a dirty look and saying nothing. When I asked him to please talk to me he yelled "NO!"

So, in my case why did he invite me over? Was I suppose to just watch him sit there like a 2 year old and pout? Should I have left and gone on a walk? What I did was just leave, then I got the email b/u.

It is hard to know what he was thinking, hard to know how to act or what to do... .

It almost seems like he had you come over for your drubbing!

I would have to agree with the silent treatment being fine for a no contact situation and when it's not a retaliation or spiteful action, I care for my pwBPD however you have to take care of yourself to protect yourself from attempts to make you feel responsible for their inner turmoil, it is unfair to you and is to much to expect from you intentional or not,  a BPD uses the silent treatment as a punishment and a means to control, NC is an effort to restore the good person you really are,

I am 100% convinced that mine uses it as a control/punishment tool. Her behaviors post b/u have been vicious to the extent that the her venom is something that I would NEVER had imagined coming from her. Her reactions and interactions have been cunning, cold and reminiscent of someone who feels that they are in danger of their life. Its amazing. Granted, its a mental disorder but even so, I would imagine that someone that is seeking a sort of contemplative solace to sort things out would have a radically different spectrum of reactions.

yeah a BPD does not use ration they live in the now and will act upon feelings and not logic ,they will resort to anything to get you out of sight out of mind by any means necessary ... .it hurts it hurts to accept that's a part of them ,,yeah it's a mental disorder but one we can not fix and if they don't have self awareness or the notion they need help we can not be asked to tolerate their behavior

I just found out that he doesn't leave his house or really contact anyone. People are telling me he is very depressed. I can't do anything to help him. He has pushed me so far away. He won't answer me and won't let me in. I feel helpless but I can't do anything.