BPDFamily.com

guys pls help em out

i am friends with a girl with BPD... we were having friends with benefits and now she is in love with me... .she has a very high sex drive and she invited me for sex many when we first met... .she told me she doesn't want any commitment of any sort but i should just be emotionally present with her and providing her with sex... .i agreed and we were living as good friends... then i came to know 2 guys left her before(both ran away from mental torture) and now she says she is depressed that all the guys she love runs away... .now with time i have realized that she has BPD and she wants to be with me all the time... she says all her sufferings in past are getting healed with me and she wants to be my wife and have kids with me... .

when i tried to go away,she messaged me with lots of threats like suicide and all(she even threatens suicide to her parents,who don't pay attention to her threats).now she constantly abuses me if i don't talk to her for one single day and threatens suicide everytime i try to run away... .her parents have also abandon her but they call her daily(doesn't stay wid her).will she do whatever she says in the threats or is it just to get my attention? when i confronted her,she said"i try to scare you because i feel left out and alone then why should you be happy" but she becomes normal once i call her... .will she do whatever she says in the messages(suicide,mentioning my name in suicide letter,ect)?

we live in the same city and i am planning to move out of city due to work issues after 1 month(she knows that i am going and already a bit freaked out)... .now the thing is that i want to run away!... i have a career ahead of me .pls pls suggest me an escape plan... .

1)should i run now(stay at my home but change number so that she doesnt msg me)? or

2)should i just avoid her to show i'm busy and uninterested and in between take calls(basically trying to show that i'm uninterested and slowly cutting off the ties and then run away after 1 month to the new place and not giving her my new address and number in that city)... if i stick to this plan than how should i respond to the threats she gives me when i avoid her because i have to endure her for 1 more month according to this plan?

which one is better?

also i want to ask you guys that how to deal with the constant threats she gives me when i try to run away? should i change my number but then i fear that what if she actually commits suicide or lodge a false complain against me and mention my name in her suicide letter.

i am perplexed as she love me a lot and can do anything for me but she turns devilish when i ignore her!

help me!

Hello savemepls,

Sorry that you are in such a position.  Very scary indeed.

Please look through this information so that you can get a balanced perspective and make a plan.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of suicide and suicide attempts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

What do you think?  Can you make a plan based on what you learned?

lbj

#2 is best.  Clearly #1 is triggering abandonment anxieties and driving her to cling.

Going to a mode of taking most of her calls (but not calling her) and slowly taking fewer or having less time will cool things down slowly for both of you. Its only for a month, then you move.

You need to establish some ground rules - basically that you will talk as long as she is pleasant and friendly. If she wanders off, just ask for space for a few hours.  She get the message.

You are doing the responsible thing in asking.  |iiii


What do you think?

thanks a lot bro for the help... i will strictly follow what you have said...

just tell me:-

1) if i dont pick up her few calls and then recieve a message that"i am committing suicide and i will lodge a false complain,you have ruined me" ect then should i call her back?... if no then what should i do ?

2) i live with my parents,i fear if i go out after a month,will she come to my home and tell my parents any fake stories or will she call my parents in desperation? i don't want my parents to get involved.any suggestions on the above two situations?

I'd work through all this with the members - stay around and share it as it happens.

Generally, reward good behavior - be silent with bad behavior. Be caring, nice - just don't let her control the tempo.

If you didn't get a call and she emails that she is suicidal, just respond to the email, "I'm ok to talk, I was busy this afternoon.  I'll take your call. Call me again, when you are up to it".

thanks a lot... .i will keep updating(on this thread only... right?)... pls speak to other members and keep advising me ... you guys are my only hope :)

sounds like you are in a nasty place right now. I really feel for you. 

When someone threatens with suicide, it can be very hard not to feel guilty. It sounds like she has used this approach with others in the past. Has she actually attempted or just threatened? Can you call the police/hospital the next time to report her? Or do you feel that would be taking it too far? If you cave every time she uses this, she will keep using it. Once a pwBPD finds a button that works, they use it repeatedly for everything-imo.

Often I find with my BPDh, at the first change in anything-he explodes-this is a disaster for him. then as some time goes by he starts to cool down and before long he acts as if it was nothing-doesn't even remember the explosion. they often have "selective memories" choosing what to remember and what not to.

Stay strong, and start on the lessons as has been suggested. Write often with any updates/feelings you have. We've all been there, done that. nothing you can say will be new, just the players change.

Above all, stay safe. 

thanks a lot for replying... .i am at the peak of my career when this is happening... .anyways i will stick to the detachment plan, meanwhile i will block her messages so that i dont see the threats,in that way she will think it is not working... i will keep talking to her for a month but very casually and will avoid almost 3/4 calls saying i was busy... let her rant... then after a month,i will run away... .

she has clearly told me that she only threatens and has never attempted suicide... she said she does it to scare me and make me  feel tensed because she also feels the same when i don't talk to her.she gives threats to her parents who don't respond to it much.

imo-that's just mean-she is intentionally doing it-deliberate-premeditated. stay strong. 

I'm in the process of moving out of the BPD house. We were together 4 years.

My point, I just found a bag of greeting cards she sent me in 2011/12... .signed Mrs. (my last name). She couldn't wait for this and she couldn't wait for that.  I was the LAST MAN in her life.  It even came to be that If I died first she would wear my ashes in an amulet around her neck.

What the heck was I thinking?  Well I was blindsided too.  It's been since feb 7th that we broke up, but I can't get back to NY yet, so we are under the same roof still. HELL.

BUT I'm Feeling so much better and focused today!  :-)  I'm seeing things for what they really are.

My suggestion at this point.  1-LEAVE (don't care how you orchestrate it, just do it) 2-NO CONTACT 3-NEW CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE.

I know, lots of holes in between... .but if I can get over, anyone can!  Find God again... .he wants you.

By the way... .the 1,2,3 is exactly how I am doing it. She will be at work when I leave. PERIOD!

does that mean that there is high possibility that she won't do anything when i leave her? i just want to run away from her... i had a fight with her 2 days back and told her that lets finish it,she agreed and abused me a lot over the phone and promised me that she will never message me.

but next day she texted me abusing a lot but thankfully no suicide threats were made.then usddenly after 6hrs she messages me" i will miss you"... after that today she did not message/call me... .i am thinking i will pick up her call but stay very disconnected with her(ignore most call after her first call and then run away after a month citing excuse for my new job in city) and block all her messages so that i don't get intimidated with her threats.

i too wanna run away but i fear she will take extreme steps to punish me like lodge a false complaint against me or write my name on her suicide note.ect ect... this is really making me very weak and i am afraid

as there is no understanding a BPD mind-couldn't answer that with a certainty. don't know if anyone could.

sounds like she's starting to mellow a bit from the original explosion-that's good news for you. stay strong and keep the course. you're doing great. and reward yourself a bit today-you deserve it. 

i too wanna run away but i fear she will take extreme steps to punish me like lodge a false complaint against me or write my name on her suicide note.ect ect... this is really making me very weak and i am afraid [/quote]
I get afraid too.  That is the CONTROL  she has on me.  For example, Her daughter is 9yo. Two years ago the Bio Dad made an accusation and made the kid swear to it.

He lied and said that "I" told the kid to wash my pants and underwear in the bathtub. What the heck kind crap is that!  I was furious!  The kid admitted that he MADE her (coerced) say it.  I went up to school to see the counselor at the time, and I got everything on record. The kid even confessed to the counselor.  I was told that what that a-hole did could have gotten me in HOT WATER!  Yes, these people can be nuts and crazy etc.  Like it was said above, no one can predict when this stuff is gonna happen.  What I would do is go to the local authorities and be the first to say something.  The old saying: Squeaky wheel get the grease.  Gotta cover your butt here.  Get a voice recorder and use it.  I do.  She don't like it, but I protect myself and save the recordings to the computer for record sake.

I know you are afraid, she's got the control on you.  You just gotta go for it.  Do it smart though... .but do it.

protect yourself! Tell your parents what is going on if you are sure that you want out. Go no contact if that is what you want. Don't bow into somebody blackmailing you in order to keep you under their control.

If you really want to run, listen to your instincts. This is not how a person who loves you treats you? This is how a control freak or a BPD makes you lose yourself if you allow this behavior to continue. If she makes a threat of suicide, tell har that you will report it yourself to the police if she mentions it again. Look up the suicide hotline and give her the number if you want to help. She is not your responsibility.

My dexBPDbf on night had me literally sitting on him, both of us crying all night because he told me when he leaves my home he would purposely drive into the guard rail and cause an accident in an attempt to kill himself because I didn't want to be with him anymore. It was our 2 nd recycle of the same bs. What a mistake!

I'm so past all of the drama, so in my opinion I would say, not my job or business to try to save them because honestly there is nothing you can do without selling your soul!



Rifka.

Keep a record of any threats she makes to you in text to protect yourself if you need to at a later time.

ok guys, Huge update!

today she bombarded me with messages that she is feeling alone without me and she wants me back at any cost... after sending(5-6 such messages) then she told me she is "ending her life"... this time i didnt reply for 4 hours and then called her up.i talked very normally and told her that i am depressed with life and i stay happy when i am alone... .she got the hint and started argueing that i am selfish and i will leave her... i didnt argue much and kept the phone giving some excuse... .then after 2hrs she called me and told me its all over and she says that she has understood i dont want to stay with her and we should not talk(now don't be happy because she said exactly the same thing few days back and started to message me next morning again).

i was thinking of slowly cutting it down but she herself is making me run away right now(pls read my first post if you are new to this thread,thanks :) )... .what to do now?

pls reply

You might want to think about going NC (no contact). I'm gonna do it. If you didn't read her texts or emails or messages, then you would have less issues... .right?  She's controlling you with her actions, and it's all about her. Don't you agree?  Someone told me something years ago when I had to make an important decision... .he told me:  It's better to lose a finger than the whole arm.  If you want this to stop... .there is only one way to do that. 

Nothing.

I'm not following your feeling here - if you don't care and this is laughable - stop responding.

If you do care and want to try to guide this to a better place or let her off with grace, simply tell her nicely that you feel manipulated when she makes death threats or breaks up and you are not going to respond to any of it.

And then don't.


She is getting rewarded for this - you are responding.

Explain to her about the manipulation and how you will react (be nice - even ask for her input) - then respond when she is nice.  :)on't respond when she acts badly.

Is any of this upsetting to you?  what part?  Whty?

as i said in my first post,i am moving out in a month.so i thought i would ignore her a bit for 1 month so that she can feel that i am escaping and then when she desensitizes a bi,i will run away after a month citing excuse for work and then i wont give her my number... .but she gets so paranoid if i ignore her a bit that she herself ends the friendship and next day abuses me then after 6-7hrs beg me again to talk to her... .so i have 2 optiosn now

1)continue this pattern but block her messages and take her random calls(1/4th call) then run away after a month... .

2)run away now itself!

whic is better?

if you show any inconsistency toward them, they consider it a "keep trying" act. for example, if you play the slots you know that eventually you will win so you keep pulling. if they think that "maybe" they will get what they want if they keep trying-they will keep trying. consistency is the key. if you are planning to pull the plug in a month and it would be easier for both of you to pull it right now, then pull it right now. she's already in defence mode-if she thinks you'll come back she'll keep trying then it will be harder than **** to break it off in a month-she will just keep on at you over and over and over again with the belief that the next "pull" she will win it big. just my opinion.