BPDFamily.com

My uBPD wife wants to have a state of the relationship talk tonight.  I was unfaithful recently and have been working to rebuild her comfort and trust.  She told me she needs to know where I stand on things so she can assess how to move forward.  Which sounds reasonable and fair enough were it coming from a normal person where I don't have to second guess everything.

We have some longstanding issues and I am just wondering how I can talk about these in the context of this discussion.  I am really thinking she will never change, so I don't know how triggering it will be for me to just lay some of these things out there.  Such as, I have been the sole financial support for our entire 10 year marriage and I am tired of it.  She makes excuse after excuse, year after year, and I believe that she will remain nothing but a burden to me as long as we are together.

She made one final promise to look for work last september and immediately because sick afterwards - it has been one thing after another for her health since then.  Do I just honestly tell her that I don't believe her promise to start contributing financially and that I'm reaching my limit of what I'm willing to live with?

She has a myriad of emotional issues and refuses to get counseling.  Last night there was a spark of hope, she said that she needs to find someone to talk to because I was no help to her providing support to her feelings and being an emotional sounding board.  I told her I would help to my best ability but I think it would make sense and be helpful if she did talk to someone professionally.  Then she immediately batted that away saying that nothing could help her.

Do I tell her for the umpteenth time that I believe she needs to get into some sort of counseling?  I don't believe in making this an ultimatum because how productive would therapy under duress be?  But something really needs to happen for her.  She has been stagnant since I have known her, and now learning about BPD I see tons of red flags from the time we first met and also hearing about her past relationships.  I am a classic co-dependent and she caught me hook, line and sinker.

I honestly feel like none of this is worth getting into with her because I may as well be talking to a wall.  But she really wants to know where I stand supposedly, but then this will just turn into her getting defensive, attacking me personally and trying to bait me into justifying myself and starting an argument.

Now that I think about it, this request for a 'talk' is starting to feel like a trap she is setting - she has been extremely upset - so she is going to try to stir up some trouble to give herself and emotional outlet for these feelings.

imo-i agree-they like to start things so they have an excuse to explode.

you could try the DEARMAN approach suggestions in the lessons plans and see if that helps any. write down what you want to say and how you want to say it-I find I forget once he starts up the ramp and can't think straight. if you can think straight if she goes off on you, then just keep notes for the main points you want to clarify-if any.

I feel for you. stay safe. 

Thanks, I'll read up on DEARMAN a little more again so it's fresh in my mind.

I just wonder if it's worth trying to clarify any of this with her.

imo- it depends on what mood they are in. mostly they remember what they want, twist what they don't want into what they want and forget what you want. stay strong. breathe and have a specific reward in mind for afterwards-no matter how it goes-you deserve it. 

Thanks again,

breathe - breathe - breathe

always helps me.

Take the time to think before talking or reacting.  My chest is already tight with nerves and anxiety about this.

we believe in you. you will do great.