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Wow! I have been in NC with my ex for almost 6 months. She disappeared while I was away for work... .there was no fight (we NEVER fought) or warnings or explanations. She cut me off, blocked me and called the cops the couple of times when I did manage to get around her block. Respecting her boundaries, I have not attempted contact for several months and don't plan on it but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her and am curious about her, her condition and what she is up to to an extent.

Along the way, I have been contacted by one of her GF's, have seen unusual FB activity (after catching her stalking me red handed) including recent blocking by her friends where I was merely unfriended up until recently! I have not been in any sort of contact with these people yet it was only within the last week that they had blocked me. What would it take to motivate one of your friends to block someone that you had already unfriended by their behest? The only thing that I can gather is that she is even angrier than ever and still raging at me through her friends pulling the only levers that she has left to pull? Any ideas guys? How could she become even angrier with me when I have not had the opportunity to have even spoken with her? Could I have been painted even blacker?

I also received word from her sister today, finally, that some priceless belongings of hers that I put in a storage facility she would like to have me discard (like she discarded me!). I just cannot believe given the nature of these items that she OK with them being thrown away. It makes me wonder if her need for a grip on control is such that 'acquiescing' by going to pick up the stuff, is a defeat of some kind for her. That the need for power over the situation is so desperate that she is willing to lose this stuff in exchange for her control? Anyone have any thoughts on this? What do I do with the more important stuff? Do I hang onto it in the even that snaps out of it in 20 or 30 years? I would be super bummed out if it were mine and it was lost forever. Something tells me that she KNOWS this and expects me to hang onto it.

Ugggghhhh

If any of it has value, put it on Craigslist and sell it!  Gets it out of your sight so that you can move on with your life and you are also reimbursed for storage costs. Win. Win.  F her!  *)

You owe her nothing.

Thats my next step but... .woah!

Think of the BPD ex more as a child, coward, self-centered and a punisher. Remember always what she painted you black for is not even about you. We loved some sick individuals. I think one of our mistakes was being too nice though. Holding on to her stuff for the next 20-30 years might be too nice.

I promise that I will not do that!  :)

JRT,

If her sister said throw it out then do just that. It is not for you to decide what is important and what is not when it is her stuff.

What she did to you was immature, cruel and true BPD. Poof gone. She kept all her thoughts to herself and blindsided you. I know you still love and care for her but my friend, like my ex BPD fiancé, they let us go. Two great people that loved and cared for them.

The biggest relief I got was throwing his stuff on a rainy Friday night into the dumpster. I looked at it for two months. He raged about me brining his stuff over to him (one bathing suit, one pool towel and a coffee mug with his name on it)! BFD. He wanted this stuff so badly that he sent 11 emails to me to get it to him. He was way too chicken s@@t to face the music and come and pick it up himself. So, these stupid items he never came to get are in the landfill. You have that option too.

Yes, I now have carte blanche to toss the stuff... .but it doesn't give me moral authority. GOD I wish that it was some insignificant crap so I could have been done with but it is not. The other issue of the possibility of her changing her mind in the future (or ten minutes from now) and having a legal bone to pick with me is also a complication. I am going to hire someone to load it up and deliver it to her job. There is no law against returning someones stuff to them (there MUST be a Poe novel about this! If not, I need to write it myself!).

I still cannot fathom her sustained if not greater anger. WOW! There was a thread here that describe that the great the cut off, silent treatment and anger, then the greater that they loved us and how we meant everything to them! She must have been profoundly enamored with me! This silent treatment is the worst punishment ever in my life from anyone.

Your right, she may change her mind like they often do (impulsivity). Even though her sister said she wanted it thrown out, legally it would probably be best if you to send it to her office. But, it will be freeing to get rid of it.

Yes, I am sure she loved you a great deal. She got scared, felt engulfed (as they often do when they get engaged) and she ran. She then painted you black and you never fully recover from that paint job even if by chance she paints you white all of a sudden.

In the past 6 months you have changed too. Maybe taking a good look at her today after all you know, you just think you still want her. That is how I think about my ex. Maybe I don't really want him anymore. Hanging on and missing him but is it real anymore?

Here is my experience.

My ex ran out the door on a 5-year live-in relationship to her new supply 2-weeks before Xmas. She abruptly left me (lying all the while),  packing her things,  feeding her cats, and putting an XMas tree up by myself. I was confused and in a lot of emotional pain. She had such a fire in her pants apparently that she just grabbed some clothes and went "to her fathers", (yeah, right). We made arrangements for her to get her things a few weeks later (I was dumbfounded... .still trying to believe her, give her SPACE etc.). I left the house for the day.  It was too painful for me to be there for that. I think it was THE most painful day that I ever survived in my entire life. Thank God I was with extremely good friends!

When I came home, I found that she had left a ton of boxes in the attic.  Now I know she was in a full-on relationship... and she just wanted to get out to be with someone. Fast... ."see Ya" is what was going on. I just had no clue. She was lying and playing victim to her Mom and everyone.

I brought all the stuff down from the attic and put it in the garage to make it easy for her (I was always thinking of her, not me). Again I left for the day. it was just too painful for me to see her. She was just coldly and completely unplugged from me, and I didn't know why.

When I came home, everything was just thrown out on the curb. All these boxes. There was a lot of valuable things there, brand new cooking sets her Mom had bought her etc... .and she just threw it all out, I was bewildered and confused. Turns out the town stopped curb pickup for the rest of the winter and the stuff just sat there, people picked through it, it got rained on etc...  And I was so depressed that I just look at the mess of her remnants rotting away and scattered all over for months... .being picked at and scavenged. It was Godawful. It was a metaphor for what had happened. I did not know that at the time, but she had literally thrown out our life together of 5-years in five minutes and started a new one with Mr. New. No biggie. Lying to me and everyone in her life. Acting the victim to everyone. It's so hard to believe, even to this day. She just turned on a dime, took him on and discarded me. No fuss. No muss. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!    

I knew nothing about BPD back then.

I spent most of that time thinking about her when I should have been thinking of me.

JRT she is gone. She does not give a rats A$$ about you. We soo cared about them, and we did not know that they can just slice us off... .Ta Dah!

It took me a long long time to heal from that. ... .a long time.   I did not know about her disease.

The sooner you get that stuff out of your life, the sooner YOU can start to move forward with yours. It can be a symbolic step for you. . it's just you now buddy. I know that you do not want to hear this. I did not either. It takes a while to understand that. We were all-in.  They were just mentally ill.

Infared,

I can just picture her stuff getting picked over on the street and you glancing out in pain wondering how it all happened. So sad.

Many of us did not really know about BPD or the affect it would have on us as their significant others. We were "all in" as you said, and ready to make a life together with them. Behind our backs they were planning their escape.

I am trying to recover from all of this and take a good hard look at myself. Why did I pick a cheating husband only to fall for a BPD?  I was ripe for the pickings? Too co dependent? Why does life keep giving us lessons when we don't want them anymore?  I just want to live life and be happy and I have made two terrible choices.

Yeah... .I should not be reliving that... .its just that the discussion brought it all up for me. I have to say... that this person was completely oblivious to the pain that her actions were causing... .which just made it worse... .She was very sick and so self-centered that in her world if I was not chasing her and trying to get her back from her new supply, then I did not love her.

I was in soo much pain... and missed her terrribly, but there was no way I was going to chase a woman who was choosing to sleep with another man every night... .it was very twisted. I guess I did have an ounce of self-esteem left.  I had no idea of the dynamics that were going on... .MY PART in the dance and hers as I knew nothing about BPD...  and not that that knowledge would have made any difference in my behavior.  All things considered I was proud of my behavior.  I got into a self help group and got a therapist and started taking care of me and was not PART OF THE PROBLEM.  Which if I had acted out in old behaviors I would have been. Pounding on doors at night and making threats may have excited her to no end... .but that is not adult behavior and is mental illness in its own right.

I tend to be very co-dependent like many, most here. I chose someone who "latched-on" and deeply got into that dance.  I had been with an abusive partner before this relationship (she was abusive from day one... .but I co-dependently took on that challenge and thought that I could "get her to love me", for 6 years. Not funny... but LOL!... .of course one day... she just got up and went to the other side of the country... see ya infared (oh... .can you emotionally support me until I get settled and find another man... of course I did!) ... .so when my BPD came along the way that she acted "toward me" was soo soothing. The love-bombing... .etc.   If I had just looked around at how she was cheating on her ex (I knew her "seasonally" for two years in a work situation before I started to date her), and the things she was doing and how she was treating others... .red-flag ... .I would have run like hell if I was healthy... .but I was soo needy that I went right into the lions den... .She was young, beautiful and so, so... playing victim to the hilt... .and I was believing her words and ignoring the other actions that I saw. (that tells the story... the actions... watch closely grasshopper!  )  I wanted to believe the lie.  ... .and unfortunately I did.  I paid the price though, as we all have here.  Thank God I got a T... .because one of the first people I had to forgive was me... .for walking into my future trap.  Totally on me!  I was extremely needy.

I too was so needy and wanted attention and affection. We lived in a small community at the time so our divorce was talked about. My ex had convinced others he was this great Catholic man and would never cheat. He continued, all through his affair serving communion at our church.  He had others convinced I was the cheater. He would never, ever do that! He even lies to the kids to this day and says, your mother is crazy. She needs proof, she needs pictures! He married the low life. My kids say he is miserable. She is very controlling.

Not to brag, I am told I am more attractive than her, I am younger, and hold a college degree. My ex husbands new wife is aggressive, goes after married men with money, didn't go to college, is a few years older and is very good at lying. Could she be BPD? Justice? I was told she would wear g strings to work and have what men call "the whale" showing. Class act.   lol  SICK!

So, while all of this is going on and after our divorce (2 weeks out) I get love bombed on the internet by a handsome, tall, good looking Marine. Our first years together were made up of constant sex. He raged only once in two years and we only had one recycle, imagine that!

I too went into the lions den with my sunglasses on. Life was rosy. I could run over to his house and we could have wild and passionate sex... .fun until the mask came off. Now and again and I felt myself afraid, what was this anxiousness I was experiencing all the time? The break ups we had far outweighed my divorce. To be on that pedestal and kicked to the floor time and again is shockingly painful.

There is no doubt about it, I NEED to get rid of her stuff and that means getting back to her. I am sure that there is a delivery service that I could hire that would do this for me so that is the approach that I am going to take.

My heart is beginning to to overrule the feelings in my heart and I have started to date (and what fun THAT is, uggghh!). But I still think about this whole sordid mess but I really don't think much about her, what she was and did or the things that we did together. For me, she was a continuation of my life after my divorce 11 years ago and some really tough economic times. My life was FINALLY on track and I was making the plans I my friends had been making over the course of the past 11 years while I sat and watched, lonesome and  struggling. It was a lot like living out on the streets in boxes for all of that time and finally being let in from the cold and given a hot meal and a clean bed.

There were things that I did and shared with her that I will never be able to do or share with another (I flew her to Europe to propose at the foot of a fountain in a medieval square, how the hell does one top THAT?). I gave to her and her son VERY much unselfishly and respected like I had never done before; it felts GREAT to give that way and it was a new feeling for me. I truly felt that I was doing all of the things that I had done wrong in the past the right way, though sometimes difficult.

So, it being about her has somewhat passed entirely. A big part of this is a return to where I was 2 1/2 years ago, single but now I am 48. One of the worst moments since the b/u for me is when I realized that I would likely see my 50th birthday as a single man. For some reason, this realization had a devastating effect. The fact that I feel that I have more in my heart and more to offer than what I see most relationships comprised of. Yet, my reward is to give only to have what I offered and gave not only to be not appreciated in the end, but to be annihilated and erased from ever being. If I had to call upon all of my creativity to invent the worst possible outcome to a relationship, I can think of no worse ending than this one.

WOW... .your story is close to mine... .but she did not have a child. I did have a great job at the time, made a home... thought I was providing in a way that I could not before in my life... .etc... .etc... .  I was your age when she ran off.    Instead of dating... .I go shoot picture now... .or do something constructive, like hang out with a good friend... etc.! (I am not kidding... .it is right for me... .I can't recommend that to anyone. I do not date any more... .I am kind of just done after a couple of false starts... .its OK though... for me).

You might find that throwing he stuff in a dumpster could be wonderfully cleansing!   *)

Just a thought... .I say that tongue-in-cheek.  We all have to find our own path. I respect that.  We are all so different... .yet the same... .

I could see that tossing the stuff might have a soothing effect for some... .it just will not work for me, call it a quirk. I am going to pay someone to load it up and drop it all off at her work... .she will be PISSED about it I could give a rats a$$? Here is your power biatch :-)

Funny, I'm an amateur photographer. 

Hey JRT. I'm off to bed now but I just wanted to say I really appreciate the thoughtful and comforting responses you always offer to posts here, especially mine. Having come across, in the process, many shocking examples of how your ex treated you, I can quite confidently say that however your next relationship pans out, it will NEVER be as painful, traumatising, or crazy-making as this. Especially now that you're armed with this new-found knowledge about BPDs and how to protect yourself. Your ex's behaviour is pretty much psychopathic by this point and I know it's hard to remember this right away, but you have so dodged a bullet. And congratulations for that! The rest of your good life awaits. You are clearly a logical, compassionate person who has given your time to understanding and recovery -- not only to yourself but to others here. Your ex can only dream to be worthy of you BUT first she needs to help herself. You can lead a horse to water, etc. And in the case of disordered people, multiply that by a million. If she can repeatedly pull those abusive, contradictory stunts and live with herself -- not only that, but actually becomes convinced that her actions are totally natural and justified -- just imagine the depth of the denial and self-deception she's capable of. We can't.

Red Velvet

I keep a folder of quotes that I have come across or responses on threads that really resonate with me. This one by you was one that I just added as it was just so perfect to assuage what I am feeling at the moment and exactly what I needed to hear. It was very loving and motherly and if I had to guess, you are a fantastic mom. What a horrible fiasco and tragedy it is of these relationships!

JRT, you are still young! Your in your 40's. You have so much time! All that has happened to you was for a reason. You have a good heart and women are attracted to that! Honesty is everything too, so be who you are and you will find a NORMAL woman and love again.

Your last post you admitted that she is not on your mind all of the time. You have grown since your first posts. Hopefully we all have too!

Thanks DownWhim... .I appreciate your very kind words, it means a lot to me... .yes, its true that I really no longer think about her too much per se, its more about the relationship and all of the fulfilling things about most relationships... .its THAT which was killed without warning and violently... .I am coming to terms with the fact that while there were redeeming qualities about her, there were few that I felt were rare and necessarily best mapped to my personality and needs. I wonder if part of that is the case with all of us with the additional element of the level of comfortability that develops as a matter of course over time.

6 months, a lot can happen in that time. Mine is 5 and I feel I barely know him now. I know I am painted black and smeared to his family and friends. However, I miss a relationship. I miss my friend (he could be nice at times too). I miss weekends with something planned with my bf. Yes, it sounds romanticized but I do feel lonely and try as I might I do stay busy most of the time.

Since I have seen him, my good friend had a stroke, the owner of my company got cancer and is in chemo. Just life going on. I liked sharing the day with him and knowing I had someone to come home to. Simple things. But, we are done... .

Tonight I rented Whiplash and was reminded I am not a person that can stand being yelled at. I never knew when something was going to tick him off so as many on here can attest to. I was always on guard. It is exhausting and there were times too when I just wanted so badly to be away from him. Mixed bag of emotions. Not sure sometimes how I feel. Maybe this is a step toward indifference.

D

I can relate... .change of few words around and I could have been the one that wrote this... .I feel the same loneliness... .mine was had her quirks but i had someone to share things with and make weekend plans together... .all that is gone now and it hurts, I know.

But we are good people with much to give... .we didn't deserve this... .we gave and gave yet in the final analysis, we were kicked in the teeth for the effort... .if defies all that we have ever learned about good conduct and humanity... .there is someone out there for you and I of this I am sure... .I am also sure, that we will all find happiness... .its jsut a matter of getting through this.

JRT, you are right. Thanks for your kind words. We will get through this... .

Worrying about "fathoming her greater anger" is something that has absolutely nothing to do with you in reality.  It's projection and manipulation.  They are empty inside and internally conflicted constantly, so they must constantly have targets available for all their internal angst…since they are completely INCAPABLE of the INSIGHT we have to take responsibility as well as empathize with others.  Keep that in mind and stay completely removed as a target.  Even when a long time has passed, there is always the chance that any stressors in their life can be thrust in our direction, as our problem…we just can't allow it to be.  Toss it away.

JRT ,

I have a question for you:

What are YOU getting out of returning belongings (that she does not want), in a very dramatic fashion that creates a lot of attention toward you and clearly makes contact that is certainly avoidable?

Underneath is there a motive to continue the rollercoaster ride?  I think sometimes we can have an altruistic motive can hide what is going on with us subconciously.

Surely having a delivery person dropping these things off at her place of work will create a ton of drama. No?

It might create some drama at work for her... .she is the financial controller for a small office and believes herself to be very well composed and in control in the eyes of the people with who she works... .I really don't think that is the case in their eyes... .reading between the lines, she would complain (not sure exactly about what) to them openly about me and they would push back on her insisting that during their marriages that their husbands would/had never done anything remotely as loving and caring as many of the things that I had done for her... .I think that they see her for the confused emotional wreck that she is... .her stuff showing up might just be another one of those things that fits all together neatly... .dunno... .don't care

Her belongings are a real albatross to me... .she gave me permission by proxy of her sister to throw them out but that doesn't mean that its the RIGHT thing to do... .don't know if you have children but her sons early life is in one of these boxes; cards from when he was born from family members, his cub scout uniform and merit badges, old family jewelry  and so on - we are not talking about a few old t shirts here. What kind of monster would let their ego allow those things to be gone forever when a simple phone call, text, email, smoke signal would preserve them for her? Maybe she is ok with them going to the trash but, as a father myself, I cannot do it. Frankly, I think that she KNOWS this and intends to maintain it as a hook as they often do.

When I took all of it to the storage facility, I felt a sense of closure. It was a weak one but about as good as I will ever get. Confident with the idea that she would come and pick this stuff up, I REALLY felt like something had just ended and I could move on with that chapter of my life being over. Learning that she was not going to pick it up was a reversal of this.

Learning that she is actively having her friends block me on FB is another indication of what this post was all about: I am blacker than I was 6 months ago. Where I would think that over time, she would have been able to reflect on the matter, and realize that I was the LAST person on the earth that deserved the treatment that she gave me and offer at least something that would be a final epilogue. I know that it probably will never come, but it would be nice.

It may be a hook but from an outside perspective, it seems that you're holding onto it as some much as she doesn't care about her stuff. In retrospective, when I was in your shoes, felt like it was last remnant of our interaction where I could control the outcome. Of course, I couldn't she went her own way just like she did when were together. There is still a lingering feeling of regret for my failure to not letting go of the stuff and pushing my own resolution when she showed no interest resolving the situation in a mutally respective way.  

Nah... .I REALLY want it to be gone... .I AM tempted to simply toss it and it if were a bunch of hold clothes, it would have been. Its my character to always do the right things and this is a manifestation of that. These items ARE important, she is letting the situation command herself - but I could give a rats behind. I'm having it delivered and then I am done. This will be my closure

J R T...   you know my story she disappeared while I was at work. Leaving things here that will win my custody case if we find her. She stalked me too. But I proudly burned her things in my front yard. I'm not proud of it. But she won't run over me ... .They ain't called crazy for no reason. Lol.

She knows and she expects you to hang onto it. During one of my recycles I was told that keeping hold of her thesis was a test of my worthiness. Sell her stuff and blow the money at the casino  :)

I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is all understandably upsetting. My udxGF unfriended me on FB while we were still living together, and I am still holding on to things that she left at our house when she moved out several months ago.

Why do you think that it has be do with her painting you blacker? Have you considered that it might have been a relatively benign conversation where she told that friend that she blocked you in addition to unfriending you or where she just suggested to the friend that she block you?  Maybe I have missed something, but I am not sure why the prompt needed to be any more dramatic than that. Did you have to deal with a harsh smear campaign?

How did you learn that her friend blocked you?

With respect to returning her things, is it just a little box of things?

I am not surprised... .for this reason and that one, I believe that mine is thinking along those lines... .

Do you see how I might be compelled to believe that I am even blacker now?

I certainly see and saw in your previous post why you might believe that she has painted you blacker. I am sorry if my post came across as invalidating in any way. I was just trying to suggest that her friends blocking you might have been a more benign event than I was getting from your post, but maybe I was reading too much into your original post.


Yes, she has contacted me, basically low contact now.  We saw each other every other day or so after she first moved out, in November, and that lasted until about mid December. I saw her twice in January, and one time was just a chance encounter at a store. I have received a handful of emails, texts, and phone calls since January. She was out of town for most of February. I received one phone call when she got back, and I have received one set of texts since then.

No worries Mike... .I appreciate your input

I am surprised that you maintain such frequent contact with her.

The second bullet happened to me too JRT. My ex slept with two of my friends, two people who had known me for years. They believed her lies. At first. Hell, I believed some of her lies. I was pretty mortified that people thought things of me that weren't true. Between that and losing my "family", two children involved, one I was very close to, I went into a deep depression. It lasted 3 months. After that I forced myself to start getting back out.

One of the things my ex told me was that two guys we knew hated me because of everything I'd "done." I loved these guys and it broke my heart because I believed her for a long time. I ran into those guys my first night out and I gathered the courage to go and ask if this was true. They both hugged me and told me no, that they never got involved in her drama.

After that, over time, people started coming to me and telling me things that had been said and that they had seen who was what. One girl who I'd known forever, hadn't seen her in a long time, showed up and literally tackled me at a super bowl party I had gone to. Scared the hell out of me at first but she was hugging me and started telling me about all the insane experiences she had had as a friend to my ex.

My point is, people will either see the behavior eventually or they already know. It's so hard when you are in the middle of the pain to see the possibilities of the future. Please know things will change for the better. You have been traumatized by this person in more ways than one.   Don't do like I did and think they all hate you.

Be cautious of your decisions right now, you never know what kind of spin she will put on them. It would be nice if you could ship this stuff to her sister, she probably has no idea what you actually have, meaning the all the sentimental stuff. 

Let me add that my decision to keep her things has to do with my believing that she has a serious mental health problem, of course, that would be BPD. In my mind, all of her nasty actions toward me and her leaving were due to that serious mental health problem, and I believe that her leaving these things behind also is due to her serious mental health problem. I feel bad for her for the mental and physical abuse that she endured that I believe led to her developing this problem. Until living with me, I know that she was not aware of BPD, and I don't believe that she thought that she had a problem. I think that she believed the BPD reality that her brain had constructed, including that her feelings and reactions were justified and she was purely a loving, innocent victim in her previous relationship.  Even when problems started in our relationship, in general, I think that she honestly believed in her BPD reality and that her paranoia and reactions were justified, although she did show signs of experiencing guilt, shame, and even remorse in some of her actions and even giving a couple of apologies along the way. I do not believe that she wants to live her life with out of control ruminations, paranoia, and rages, but of course, another sad part of BPD is resistance to seeking and accepting treatment.

In my weaker moments, when I am feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry because I was been misled, lied to, taken advantage of, abused, etc., I have felt like throwing these things away or demanding that she come and get them. However, when I pause and compose myself, I feel deep sorrow for her and see no need to punish her further by getting rid of her things or demanding that she come and pick them up. I currently have the space to store them, and at some point I will reach out to her and ask her what she would like for me to do with them.

Thanks Mike and Suzn again for you thoughts and accounts... .within the last couple of hours a new chapter has developed as a (former) mutual friend had IM'd me on FB suddenly, berated and swore at me (this person is pretty crazy herself... .always was) about this and that but my ex and her belongings were a theme to the exchange... .she was the only one of my friends that she had not unfriendned and the wife of the man that I asked ot be best man at our wedding (I think that it was intended to be a lifeline/hook for her)... .anyway, apparently my ex claimed to have heard about the ruse that I planted for her to see if she was stalking me on FB from mutual firends: bottom line, there were not mutual friends and she was lying to my buddys wife

Right now, I am feeling as if the breakup happened within the last hour... .She had long ago unfriended me on FB and it took some real balls to IM me and rant. Uggggghhhh! This stuff is going back to her by courier and I think I am going to join a friggiin commune!

This just doesn't seem to have an end... .it seems like every day there is something new that transpired. Ugggggghhh!

JRT do you think it may be a good time to delete your facebook account for a while? You can always reactivate when you've had some time. It saves everything when you do that. This is turning into a game and stepping out of the ball park for a bit will help clear some of the mind games going on. You can decide for how long, a day, a week, a month.

You need a break.

This is an isolated incident as far my buddys wife goes... .FB is an important part of life for me... .I'm not an addict like I have seen others become, thought I AM social and interact with many of my friends; I'd like to think that I have a healthy FB approach... .I will not restrict my comings and going by virtue of a couple of idiots. And its something that I can handle as long as I have understanding. Her 'turretting' some things during her tirade, in fact, gave me a couple of minor nuggets.

It is for me too so I get it. In fact, it's been a lifeline a time or two with friends over the last year or two. My concern was how you are feeling right now and thinking a breather would help.

Did you and this woman work things out?

JRT,

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. To get to your original question, though, it's all about their disordered thinking. I've been away from my ex-fiance for over 5 years. I was painted black quickly, and since I've had a chance to get past the emotions, I can see just why I was so traumatized. It was like night and day, like many of us here. We were on an upswing and had just  had a nice wedding shower. I remained kind and loving and attentive, while she pushed me further away and acted more and more coldly and never warmed up. Within a few days of our wedding shower, she had supposedly innocently gone out with one of her co-workers on me. It collapsed quickly after that. For a long time I learned all I could about BPD and even joined a BPD support group and made friends with one of them. I wanted to see if it was "real love" like I thought and felt the intensity at the time. For several months she would either ignore me, be a little friendly, or go on an all-out rage. This, after I was a very good fiance and had practically adopted her baby daughter. It's crazy, isn't it? Well, they are crazy, and though I don't think they really intend for their relationships to end as disasters, they do. And they can't take responsibility because they can't be black. But they get lonely quickly, and the cycle starts again with whoever falls for it.

She simply left the conversation... .this was my final IM:

JRT do you really need to call me a f**ker... .assail my character and insult me?

TB Yes I do

JRT i don't see that it is helpful... .again: I do not feel that i have done anything to earn this... .if there is something that I am not seeing, tell me... .I'll accept full responsibility and ask for yuor forgiveness

And this was the tenor throughout the entire exchange... .I am NO pushover but this and the last exchange with her were similar... .there was no defending myself, I am guilty. And this was all of a provocative statement that she made directed at me on a post my brother put up. Her husband just throws up his arms and says that she hates people and he doesn't know why and guesses that she doesn't know why either!

The trouble is that she is the only person that my ex did not unfriend... .frankly they can be crazy all that they want with one another, I just don't care... .but she is the wife of one of my good friends behaving like this

Between my ex's detached family and this crazy woman, it creates pressure that makes me CONSIDER that I was the one doing the victimizing! I mean: I was literally scouring the back pages of my mind this afternoon considering my transgressions (there really weren't any) against my ex after this transpired!

There I was... .walking down the street minding my own business... .I don't need to get off of FB, I need a drink!

Sorry to hear that all of that had happened... .we were engaged as well but didn't get quite as far as you... .must have been a real headache and embarrassment with the gifts and such.

It blows my mind that 6 months later and I am still dealing with the aftermath of this! I CAN'T WAIT until I hire that courier to return her belongings... .I KNOW that she knows that I cannot bring myself to throwing the stuff out and she sees this as power. It will be the last tie and I can move on from there (as long as I don't get any more crazy IM's).

History being the best predictor of the future... .I don't think its going to be the last that I see or hear from her.

JRT even this woman's husband knows she's hateful. Why are you letting something she said hold any value? You are giving these people complete power over you by questioning your own memories. This falls into the FOG category my friend. She pushed one of those three buttons. Which one?

Really none of them... .this doesn't have to do with BPD... .it has to do with a friend who took as side and it was the wrong one! ... .I know that she is a mean and spiteful person, she has given me and many others a hard time in the past. I wonder if she just created a sort of tipping point where I feel that there are more of my ex's supporters than there are mine... .dunno. Most of my friends would be shocked that I am still even thinking about it, let along on this forum. So, they don't stroke me. Meanwhile, I am not altogether over it and her vitriol as the wife of a friend and former friend herself is upsetting.

On that side, this all seems to indicate that matters remain active. I wonder if they formed a club and throw darts at my effigy?>! Sure seems like that. 

JRT FOG doesn't come explicitly from our relationship with our expwBPD. It comes from having a predisposition to it.

You took inventory of your past transgressions, not that were any, but that would suggest guilt. Do you see? And if you looked hard you might see some fear.

Maybe... .I LIKE people... .I am very social and I give people a ton of respect... .I don't like it when I try and someone does not like me... .it is upsetting even if there was nothing acrimonious that happened, maybe disappointing is the word... .when someone spews venom like she did; where it was unjustified or deserved; where as the wife of one of my closest friends, if there was a side to have been taken, she should have taken mine and not hers, then yeah - it makes me feel pretty crappy for her to have done what she did.

JRT, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 


It does feel disappointing when we try and someone still doesn't like us. But we can't control what other people think or feel - just like no one else can control what we think or feel, or who we like or don't like. Some people just aren't going to like us, and we're not going to like some people, and that's OK. It doesn't make anyone less intrinsically worthy or valuable.

By all accounts, this woman doesn't like very many people. Her not liking you doesn't reflect on who you are as a person. Her opinion of you and your relationship is irrelevant to your truth.

I agree and cannot tell you how much I appreciate both of you comforting me. Maybe I am making more about this than I should. Its like a punch in the nose; it hurts a LOT at first but then it goes away. You put some ice on it and you soothe. Your friends tell you that you kicked the other guys a$$ and you feel much better. Same thing here. It was just like a punch in the nose.

Thank you both! Always look forward to reading your posts.

Well there is no denying that we played a part in "picking" our BPD significant other. I had been in a 6-year abusive relationship and was quite damaged when I met my exBPD. A lot of time had gone by, but I was still very vulnerable to the love bombing by this attractive younger woman. I am definitely co-dependent as we messed intensely and for me it was great for 5-years, not perfect, but I really really cared for this person.  ... .but I guess that it was all a codependent dance?

The abrupt betrayal and abandonment and the complete flip in her personality once she had new supply was just something that I did not see coming and it was very damaging to my psyche, especially after the last relationship that I had been in.

... as JRT experienced, the discarding of personal belongings and just (in my case) the apparent washing them-self clean of their past (me and our home) and starting an immediate new life (that looked like I created, not her), and just telling so, so many lies... .she also was not taking any responsibility for the new relationship... .It just "happened to her"? I had the sense that she switched 'poles', was 'repelled' from me and immediately 'locked onto' the new supply. Instantly and tightly. Then, she just devalued me as if she was under some kind of spell or something.

I do not know if I can ever sort that out in my soul... .but I know that my make-up allowed me to enmesh with an extremely mentally ill person. That I am sure of. These relationships are tough, any way that you slice them! I try to keep the club in the closet as much as possible, but still work at learning my part in the whole mess.

I think the only way they can live with the guilt of how they dumped us is to paint us even blacker. I am sure to my ex, his family and friends I am an awful person. He uses his kids as an excuse for everything so I couldn't live with his kids. He immediately moved them in once he dumped me.

Well, mine, now... .if she is alone and sees me out somewhere (her evil radar must be set on hyperdrive at all times!) she will go waaaaaay out her way (in a mentally ill obsessive kind of way), to "accidentally" run into me... .with this uncertain look on her face... .maybe I am painted white now? Who knows... .who cares... .I just RUN!

I just got a new car... .so that may cammoflage me for a little while... .but I think that they may have finally moved away! One can only hope.