BPDFamily.com

Did everyone here feel that they were strong enough to stay in a relationship and work with the BPD partner. When infact it is not that easy.

Many people (even those I barely knew) thought I was the pillar of strength when the reality is that I've never really felt that way.  I have been really strong in dealing with the crazies of my uBPDh's behavior until his stroke.  Now I'm just tired and overwhelmed and overworked and... .well, I just don't deal with it as well any more.  I got a message from a friend of mine today that was disturbing and yet encouraging.  He said anyone can make up their mind to let stress go... .not sweat the small stuff and ride the wave through the big stuff.  I've always said, the mind can be our most valuable asset or our worst enemy... .guess I have some 'thinking' to do. 

This is something that I felt and have experienced. Many times I felt like I was a house of cards instead of a fortress comprised of stone.

Ironically, my relationship has helped me learn more about myself and find and embrace my own inner strength.  I have learned to become a stronger person from being in a relationship with my pwBPD.

Really great answers I can relate to and a really great question Warney.

I can so feel for Rockylove and her circumstances because they can become so overwhelming in a situation like she's experiencing, especially if there were difficulties prior to the illness. I hope she can find the strength and direction to bring her peace and harmony with her decisions and circumstance. Like her I was always considered a rock but I learned for all the stalwart thinking a rock can crumble over time with the environmental conditions storming around it. Those were days gone by though.

Hey but eagle's got my answer wrapped up already. I find it's been a blessing in disguise and a path to so much more availability of strength and self improvement to commit myself to this challenge and find a great level of success for myself, my wife and our situation by doing so. We both live an altogether different life today than we did three years ago because of 'keeping the strength' and combining it with awareness, learning and self-improvement, not only as a husband but also just as a person with the courage to have emotional connectivity to others.

It does take great strength, learning, understanding and fortitude to manage the situation and hopefully bring it forward into a better relationship. It's when you come to that understanding, move out of the fog, away from the fear and challenge yourself (if that's what you really want in your life) that I was certainly able to find the REAL inner strength to do it. There has to be want and it has to be a decision made out of the understanding that it's only one of many decisions that you could actually make though. Like any situation of change, I think it has to be a choice you make, challenge yourself to and commit entirely to. Easier said than done though.

I hope if you're questioning your own strength that you take strength in some of the more positive postings you find here and learning from the one's that might be more challenged.

One thing for certain Warney; if not you (in the relationship)  than who (is able)?

I hope if you're struggling for strength or resolve you find it my friend. It can be so rewarding, but like most circumstances and processes in life, nothing seems to come quickly or easily but that doesn't mean they don't come eventually if you are strong and determined enough to find the way to make them.

Rick

I think we all run out of gas eventually, unless we are able to detach and are willing to settle for a dysfunctional relationship.

Timely question.  I've been told for years by friends (and even my uBPDh) that I am one of the strongest people they know.  I think I felt that way for awhile but slowly even I felt like I was losing my mind.  I totally crashed a few months ago, getting myself some counseling and honestly feeling like I couldn't stay in my marriage anymore because of my built up resentments, anger and the pain of the emotional abuse from the past.  Counseling helped and made it easier, but I'm still processing whether or not I can or want to stay married to him anymore.  He's trying hard, but he's done that before and I have committed to staying for a period of time (6-12 months) while I work on myself and he works on himself.  But I'm keeping myself detached in order to feel "safe" and I just can't stop thinking that I've wasted so much time already being unhappy and I'm not sure I can do this for the long haul.  Time will tell.

If I had had any inkling what my friend was like before I invited her to live here with me I never would have. I thought I could handle the depression and the self-confidence issues and in the first couple episodes I told her that I would try to be there for her. I've reached a point where I can finally see that there is no way I can continue to support her. We'll just both collapse if I keep trying. So now I have to let her fall on her own

even uBPDh tells me that I'm so strong for putting up with all this... .but I don't feel that way

I actually feel very weak for putting up with this and for so long

I don't know how I've held it together without cracking though

It is not an issue of strength... .it is an issue of clinical skills.  We nons are not trained as clinicians to take care of our BPD loved ones, our relationship with them is not that of a patient-doctor, the environment within we function is not that of a mental health clinic... .

Strength, love, empathy, there is plenty... .but these cannot cure a mental disorder.

This we find out the hard way.

It takes tremendous strength for people to walk away from their BPD loved ones... .it takes tremendous strength for people to stay with their BPD loved ones... .