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I know I shouldnt recycle because this would be at least the 5th time within 3 years but this has been the worst. I know that this last time I stood up to her and she got so angry that I was told to not come back home again and to get my stuff out. I didn't have to walk out but I did because I wanted to know that we were not going to repeat the same cycle.

While we were seperated for a brief time, she decided to start dating and within a few days of dating found someone who now lives with her. They have been together for two months but she contacts me all the time.

I have tried to let her go but I am struggling because I actually feel for the first time in my life that I really love someone and have been willing to put everything into this r/s. We were together for 3 years.

I feel like the fool because she has a new man in her life but tries to keep contact with me. Why am I holding on when it was so easy for her to pick up with someone else. This was my biggest fear in our r/s that if I didn't give her what she wanted or needed, I would be replaced.

I have the opportunity to find a relationship with someone without BPD but I am so drawn to her and she keeps the hook in me. She tells me that she is happy but not really because she still has a love for me. She blames all t his on me because I didn move back in when she asked. I didn't move back in because when I was about to, it always seemed that it was conditional and under her terms. I felt she wasn't ready.

I should stay away but can't help feel that love is worth pursuing. She is th economy one that has ever had this effect on me and maybe that is why I am confused.

Make no mistake, if she can hook up with someone new within days of you two breaking up;

1. she was already seeing him.

2. she can't be alone and will take anyone.

3. everyone is replacable in her mind.


Work on you.

Don't worry about 'a relationship'.

Work on you. Get YOU healthy, get you happy.

Get your confidence back.

What love is NOT is 'feelings, emotions, impulses'

What love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

This is "the love measuring stick".

If this looks nothing like the 'love' you have for her, or the 'love' she has for you?

Then it's probably not love... .

Hey downnout98, After three years of turbulence and drama with your Ex (who has a new BF), what makes you think another recycle will be any different?  If a friend wrote your post, what would you advise him/her to do?  I concur w/going places:


On some level I think you already know that it's time to get off the BPD roller coaster, but only you know for sure.

LuckyJim

Thank you going places. Yes I have always felt that I was replaceable. She made that very know in the beginning and in a way held it over me the rest of the r/s. I was too dumb to see it.

I like what you have posted about what love is and I have read it several times now. You are right, she did not have real love for me. I thought that I had real love for her because I did all those things but I started to feel that the more I gave, the more she took. I held on to that love for a long time but I finally decided that I needed to have that kind of love for myself. I decided to try something different and work on myself and this has been the consequence. It hurts and it has been tough but I am hoping in the end, I will be a much better person for it.

     

Lucky Jim, you are right. I would tell a friend to leave the relationship. Why is it so hard for us to follow our own advise?

THAT my friend is a really good question.

Why is it that we can see problems in others and offer advice but not ourselves?

Or is it simply that we can be our own worst enemy?

My sister is going through problems in her r/s and I give her advise that I have trouble following. To me it is clear that the guy is no good for her and he isn't even BPD. But yet, I fall into the same traps.

Yeah... .it's funny how it works. I have given it a lot of thought.

I suspect it is because when we see a problem outside our heads (external) we can be impartial, but when the problem is actually inside our heads (internal) we are compromised emotionally.

I can only imagine what it must be like for someone suffering BPD... .they would have no real perspective outside their heads. 

And the next one will be even worse. Guaranteed.

Work on yourself. 

Ahhh the heart and the head. Its the crux of DBT and this dilemma (which I share with you).

WE give advice that is sound because we are able to balance our logical /reasonable mind and our emotional mind. Our hearts aren't so deeply invested when giving advice to another person. Therefore the advice comes mostly from our logical mind. This means the advice comes from our wise mind where logic and emotion overlap in a balanced perspective.

BUT... .when our shattered hearts consider our our situation we get dragged more toward our emotional mind. Our pain and the emotions of all types we experienced  drag our thoughts toward our emotional mind. We aren't thinking from the balance of our wise mind anymore.

Ok so thats what I learned from DBT. Or you could just say the heart wants what it wants.   I know its true of mine.

You are exactly right, my emotions get the better of me every time when it comes to my ex. The heart wants what it wants even though it is not good for it. Well I had a conversation with my ex and it is so sad that her anger gets the better of her and that is one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. Her bouts of anger and cold heart pushed me away many times. She said that if we got back together, I needed to be prepared to not have contact with my family because during our break up, they were advising me to stay away. So she hates them now and doesn't want anything to do with them. I wish she could just let go of her need for control and her anger/ unforgiveness. But I guess that comes with her disorder. So sad.

I can't do it.

Hey downandout,  In my view, underneath the anger is hurt, but a pwBPD lacks the ability to self-reflect and get to the real issue.  So the anger simmers and occasionally boils over, and the hurt remains unhealed, because its too frightening for a pwBPD to confront (at least for my BPDxW).

Her threat that any reconciliation will require you to go N/C with your family is a deal-breaker, in my view.  Isolation is one of the tools pwBPD use to manipulate and control.  I allowed myself to become isolated from friends and family, which was a harrowing experience never to be repeated.

No, you can't do it!  Stay strong.

LuckyJim