BPDFamily.com

Hi.

Nearly every member of my wife's family is insane. Her brother was diagnosed with BPD and something else I can't remember right now before he quit therapy. Her mother could easily be BPD, but she mostly seems to qualify for an extreme form of narcissism and years of abuse. Her dad only seemed like an enabler at first, but lately we have seen his own way of extreme selfishness to the point of not caring about others, as well. And we have an older sister who is no stranger to giving silent treatments and who 2 years ago told all her kids that we want nothing to do with them - only because we did not come to an event she was dying to manipulate us into attending... .

I could write books on the subject, but this is about it.

My wife went no contact last year, and things have become better. Her mom still stalks her by driving around the neighborhood once in a while, and she continues to tell everyone she knows that my wife is mentally sick... .

The last hurdle seems to be that her inner child cannot let go of the idea of a healthy family and the nurture (even if it is just imagined) coming from it. Her brain knows that they have been abusing her all her life, but she can't fully let that fact sink in. She is afraid that she will lose completely who she is (i.e. the "good" obedient child who got bits of praise thrown at her like bait).

On top of that, she strongly remembers an email conversation where she told her Mom that she needs honesty in this relationship. Her Mom responded: "So if I don't want to be honest, will I never see you again?" Quite the outrageous response!

The sad part is that we can't find that email. We have no proof of this conversation. And now, given how my wife was raised and trained, she completely doubts all her memories.

We spent hours going through stuff with search filters, but she doesn't remember the exact words, and search filters aren't perfect, so no luck.

A few days ago, I got a heavy migraine, one of the worst I have had so far, and a few days later I am still feeling the long-term effects, so I am somewhat weakened by it. And in comes the additional strain of seeing my wife so incredibly unhappy and doubting herself. Oh, and I have a stressful job as well.

I try to do what I can to relieve stress. I take breaks at work, I walk around the block after lunch, I go on the treadmill most mornings, and some evenings I just play computer games to stop thinking for a while. But clearly, it's not working, and right now I'm ready to burst with frustration as well as anger and hatred for the people who are responsible for this. I can't even publicly mention the thoughts going through my mind these days... .

Does anyone have experience with breaking through a similar wall (like my wife is experiencing right now) and could share some insight in how to finally make the breakthrough?

And does anyone have advice on how I can either better handle the pressure or help lift some of the self-doubt of my wife?

Hi semmel

BPD is quite a challenging disorder and having family-members with it can be very difficult to handle. I understand how being raised in such an environment could greatly affect your wife and (indirectly) you too.

You say your wife went no contact last year and that things have gotten better. Yet you also mention your wife having difficulties letting go of the idea of having a healthy family of origin some day. It sounds like your wife is struggling with acceptance. Many children of BPD parents and/or with BPD siblings struggle with this. It isn't easy letting go of the fantasy parent we never had, yet still might long for very much. Do you feel like your wife has truly acknowledged the fact that there might be something wrong with her family of origin? Does she like you also believe that her mother could easily be classified as BPD?

Being mindful of your own well-being as you deal with all of this is very important. I am sorry to hear you were experiencing heavy migraine. How are you feeling now? There are perhaps also other things you could explore that might help you relieve some stress, have you ever tried meditation?

Hi Semmel,

Welcome to the board! 

I'm glad that you are asking questions, sharing your story and your frustrations with us. This is a great place for that.  :)

I'm also very sorry for your frustration and for the migraine/residual effects you have. I understand too well as I've suffered from them for years.

Wow, it sounds like such a tough family situation!  You and your wife are making choices that will help you both. Do you have a T that either one of you are interacting with to help you find some more answers?

I had an uBPDm, and it has been tough to let go of the same thing your wife is struggling with.


For everyone it is a different journey in which we travel at various speeds. Some portions of the healing come quickly, others take time, and perhaps that is what is going on for your wife. It is a scary thing to think of letting go of the hope that things will one day be normal in the family. I agree with Kwamina that she may be struggling with acceptance. In my own life, many times I didn't even realize that I was struggling with the same thing. It is not uncommon for the memories to be hidden, buried, or foggy. My own memories have been vague so many times, but throughout the help of my T, they are slowly coming back and becoming much more clear to me, not only in the pictures, but also in the understanding. The self doubt is second nature for me, but I am beginning to trust myself and my instincts. Again, it has taken time. Tell her to keep going! Don't give up.

I'm glad you are doing your best to take care of yourself through all of this, to help you recoup. That is so important.

Keep us posted  on how things are going. 

Woolspinner

I had to reply to this post... .I'm 36 and have been married for 12 years. My husband is 41 and we have an almost 3 year old son. My mother is unBPD and narcissistic.  My dad is an enabler. My older brother just agrees with my mom even though he knows she's nuts just to keep peace with her. He's 41. Just getting married now. Will see how long he can keep up agreeing all the time. I ask that you go back and read done if my posts that started in 2006... .I was not courageous enough to go no contact. Kudos to your wife for that. I am still LC.

During these years, likely due to the stress caused by my mother, I was diagnosed with MS at 27. No genetics or anything... .Random. A few weeks after a massive one of my mothers' rages where just because I asked her to stop comparing me to other people's daughters, she ended up screaming like a mad woman in the ER, "I want my daughter bacckkkkkk! My daughter had left meeeee!" I woke up crying every morning in depression. And then one morning woke up with my hand numb. I was actually hoping I had a tumor and would just die. All I wanted was to move as far away as I could from my mother to a new state. My mom lived 45 minutes from me. But my husband refused to move. He was so so so angry and did not understand why he couldn't just confront her. I told him it eoukdbt work. She would just rage more and at that point with my diagnosis, I couldn't take it any more... .My husband and I just grew distant and more distant. He didn't understand why I couldn't go NC and I just couldn't. He didn't understand why he was forced to see this woman even if every two months... .

I just kept begging to move... .But my husband dId his career was too good and he wasn't the type to run away. Keep in mind from the outside we looked perfect. I was a highly paid attorney and my husband very high on the corporate chain. A young successful couple. Yeah right. We had sex about once a year and that too out of just feeling like we shoukd. When if talk to him he'd say he was turned off by me not being able to break contact... .

We went to couples therapy. He somewhat understood that I was not raised like him by a normal mother... Confrontation would not work. So we got better abd decided to have a baby. Except we couldn't have sex. So I got pregnsbt eventuality artificially... .Anyways, with couples therapy, our son, and me learning to better draw boundaries things were getting better. And then my husband, age 40, rail thin, had a massive heart attack. A widowmaker... .Only 10 percent survive. He did. But after that it's all been downhill. He got even angrier saying that his heart attack was because of years of pent up stress and anger due to my mother and him still having to see her face even if rarely.

He's still internally angry. I've apologized in therapy over and over. But I told him I did the best I could... .He said he forgives me but we are so very distant. We barely speak except about our son. Two still fairly young people... .36 and 41... .with MS and Heart disease. Our marriage a wreck due to this woman... .

My point in all this... .What I wish my husband understood... .It is very very difficult to be raised by a mother like that. We keep hoping that they improve... .And our heart breaks over and over when they don't. We grieve. We are afraid of our mothers too... .We need empathy, not lectures and advice. Tell your wife how amazingly courageous it was for her to break ties. How you understand and support her. And know she's amazing. Be a friend... and take care of you... .Watch those health problems. Meditate. Relax.,get blocks of time where u just don't think about them abd watch a movie. Don't loss your life and health to her family like we did. Most of all just be her friend... .Good luck. The hardest part of over... she broke contact. Now it's just a healing anx rebuilding process...

Thanks for all your answers and support!

Yes, it's clearly the acceptance part she's struggling with. She does fully understand the situation on a logical level. But the inner child doesn't want to lose her loving parents, even if they are an illusion.

In fact, she understands perfectly, and together, we have kept going through her family's behaviors again and again, and we're convinced that BPD is the least of our problems with them. Most of them fit into the category of BPD and extreme narcissism, some have "one of the schizos" (I can never remember which one), and they all get either very hostile or very withdrawn when something doesn't go their way. We just went through a ton of emails, and it is ridiculous... .We do not throw out labels easily, and we have done quite a bit of research. Just saying this to make it clear that we don't just shout "Abuse!" if someone says "No" to us - we take a long time to think things through, and these are the conclusions we came to.

I'll post some example reactions to a long email from my wife to the entire family explaining why SHE has to withdraw and take care of herself. She is going a fantastic job (as always) to word everything carefully and without accusations, even taking some of the responsibility herself and including herself in things like "we don't communicate as well as a family as we could" (paraphrasing, don't remember the details).

The reactions:

- Mom (the worst of the bunch): But I already do all the things you say you want done. (otherwise, she keeps sending emails about how she wants to see her daughter again - other than that, every word she says is the opposite of the truth)

- Dad: Excellent - let's all come together and celebrate! (responding to an email saying that my wife can't be with the family for various reasons)

- Older Sister: OK. But I miss you. (completely ignoring my wife's words and selfishly demanding her back)

Actually, the older brother is the one with the most BPD symptoms, but he has been the least problem once my wife told him to f*** off after he'd tried to bully her again, so he has been quiet. But the Mom seems to follow some of the same symptoms, too, on top of being a world class narcissist. Every single one of her emails contains 90% lies and 100% attempts at getting her daughter back so she can feed her narcissistic needs. It is bizarre how clumsy her manipulation attempts actually are and how long it took the both of us to realize this.

I have a quick meditation I do for 20 seconds before leaving the car to go to work. I breathe out deeply three times and send all negativity, stress, anger, frustration, pain, tiredness, etc. out with it, then I breathe in deeply asking for energy to fill me up, then out again. It's not much, but it helps a bit. I probably should make more time for meditation... .

I found a great T for her, and she's been wonderful! But untangling the incredibly complicated mess that was done to my wife is taking a long time. I think once she can get over this last hurdle of acceptance, the true healing can start, and she's close, but the closer she gets, the more painful it gets, and it sometimes gets really hard to watch.

I am doing my best to always be there for her, to support her, to tell her good things about her. That last part is especially hard because her family just about killed any shreds of self-esteem she has ever had, and at this time she absolutely cannot accept that there could be anything good about her. Yet she is highly intelligent, insightful, talented, intuitive, and just a joy to be around when she's not thinking about her family. She has accomplished a lot of things that should be impossible - escaping a family with not one or two, but three narcissists that all lay claim to sucking her energy dry doesn't sound like something that happens every day. But again, compliments like that just roll off her, and I can only hope that somewhere in the back of her mind they stick around a bit.

There's no way I'm gonna give up, I can tell you that :-) But some days it gets really hard, and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry out my frustration - or do extreme and messy harm to the family. Obviously, I don't do either, but the urge is there... .I think it might be a bit better since yesterday, but not much. Right now, I'm just at a point where I don't know how much more pressure I can take (I did mention having a stressful job, right?). The least I want to do is break down on her and desert her.

MiserableDaughter, wow, what a story... .Thanks for sharing!

If you don't mind me asking: What is keeping you from going NC?

From all I have read about BPD, there is no complete healing with LC, and it makes sense to me, because every contact you have is likely to pull you right back into their games, and every time they see you or hear about you, their need for you moves to the top of their minds so they can redouble their efforts of getting to you again. NC avoids all of that.

I'm not trying to lecture you here - you're showing a lot of insight in the way you describe your situation. I want to understand what it is that is keeping you from full freedom.

I also should mention that a while ago, my wife asked me to call her Mom and calmly enforce a temporary NC period (something I had volunteered for without pressuring her). I was very glad to do that for her, and it was very helpful both for me and her. I felt like I finally had something I could do for her, and she got the peace from not having to see her mother. We eventually had to break NC when my wife's Dad went to the hospital with a stroke and had to go through months of recovery and rehabilitation, but a few months later my wife sent the final email of NC all by herself, and I couldn't be prouder of her!

And I keep telling my wife all the time how proud I am of her and how much stronger she is than she knows herself - easily stronger than any of the cowardly family she has. And I am very lucky that I found her!

Hi Semmel,

I'm glad you've found us. Welcome to the bpdfamily 

I wanted to suggest sending your wife our way as well as yourself.  I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw and both my SO and I come here for support and ideas.  Both of us now have a common language and understanding of BPD that helps us work as a team when dealing with his ex.  I personnaly also found it so helpful to know that I was not alone and there are others in the same situation I am and I bet your wife would too.  This is a great place... .everyone giving everyone else a helping hand  

I want to send kudos your way for the love and support you show your wife.  |iiii  

I can relate to her difficulty going completely no contact with her family. My SO's D14 & D18 have both gone low contact with their mom over the last 2 months and even though they too know its healthy for them... .low contact = guilt but along with that guilt is a lot of anger so for now they are sticking with it.  I think with them and your wife it is just going to be a process, getting to that healthier place but if we keep supporting them and encouraging them they will all do what is best for them.

She's generally in a much better place already. As far as I can tell, she has managed to shed nearly all of the guilt responses that were programmed into her, so that's pretty wonderful!

I guess it's the pressure of getting closer to breaking through that last barrier. Once she fully FEELS and accepts the truth about her family, there is no going back for her (emotionally), and all the pain of being alone without parents is a horrible burden.

My own parents were less abusive and more neglecting. They never prepared me for the world, didn't interact that much with me, and I pretty much raised myself by learning from Uncle Television. The only emotion that was allowed in the house was anger, and my Dad had plenty of that to teach me, and while I'm much better than I was a few years ago, getting overwhelmed or tired (both of which applies now) easily gets me to regress. But not having seen them for 13 years (we live a continent apart and only communicate via email plus one phone call for Christmas) has allowed me to come to terms with never having had a LOVING and SUPPORTIVE family. Also, my wife has helped so much in helping me see that I am a valuable person in spite of what I learned from my family.

I just wish that what I learned in those years could apply as easily to her, but I had to learn that a) her proximity to her family (they all live within a few miles from our house) and b) the difference in processing things between the female and the male brain make this a very different matter for her, and I often feel helpless and useless. I know that's not the case - I know that by accepting her and loving her, she gains the strength to carry on. But I want more... .

Heh, in a way, we're very much alike. With many projects, she wants results now, and so do I.

Anyway, babbling now.

I'm just tired of it all and would like for her to finally make that breakthrough that allows her to be on the other side and truly on the way to healing. But I can't force it or speed it up. And the waiting is very draining... .

First of all, kudos to you for being on here and trying to understand and help her and yourself more. And as for why I didn't go NC... .Good question with so many answers ... .I think it's partly cultural. I was born here but my ethnicity is Indian. My parents are originally from India. Our culture is to take care of our parents. Girls are always there for their moms especially. Second, guilt. My mom made me her life support saying my world revolved around her. Now her world revolves around my son, her only grandchild... .As twisted as it is, I feel guilt if I was to take that away. Also that are 63 (mom) and 71. I feel like u don't want to do that to them at this age. And finally flat out... .FEAR. I am scared of her rages. She'll go into crazy rage mode, end up in the ER, hospital, at my door... .trying to kill herself. I cannot take that anymore... .I understood it would be healthier, but I just don't gage the courage. Id rather keep LC and maybe move further away.

Yea, the FOG is tough to crack ... .:-(

Especially given your background!

There are probably a lot of things that "are not done".

I think moving further away would be a good first step - and THEN go NC if you feel up to it, but make sure no one knows your address.

Remember that if your Mom goes nuts or does herself harm, it is HER choice and hers alone.

There's a great quote from the book The Prophet that goes along the lines of: Children do not belong to us - they only come through us. Meaning your Mom doesn't own you - you are your own person and can make your own decisions. And technically, having moved away from their culture, your parents can't really claim their country of origin as a reason why YOU should do things a certain way - they gave that up when they left, IMHO.

I think that NC is a lot easier to maintain once the first shock and pain has worn off, and distance is a great healer. LC always has the danger of you getting pulled back in.

Also, I'm very much sick of all the "supposed to"'s - I come from a German heritage, so I suppose I'm supposed to be all serious and have no emotion... .Sorry, but forget that :-) I'm my own person, I AM highly sensitive, and I will live my life the way I want to (and that includes making my own mistakes or having my own successes).

Just a few thoughts :-)