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For the last couple of weeks I am dreaming daily about my ex. We have had contact in the last week, she had told me she wanted me to move back home and go to therapy together, when I challenged this she blocked me and told me that she 'didn't know why' she told me these things (she'd never love anyone else, she was suicidal and depressed etc etc). I suppose it got me hoping I could save my marriage but the carrot was quickly taken away when I asked her why, if she felt that way why didn't she do anything about it.

It's been very tormenting, and now I miss my ex who is now blocking me when before I felt I was healing. The scab has been picked but the most tormenting thing is the dreams. I wake up missing a person I know is not capable of loving me without causes me a lot of pain but I feel like I'm not going to find love, it is taking me so long to move on, I've really isolated myself, I won't flirt or think about any women and I'm really now starting to miss touching someone. The person she is in my dreams is the person I met, it's not the crazy, cruel screaming harpie I left.

I suppose it's a set back due to the recent hope I let creep in but could do without the dreams. Any way to counter dreams? Apart from getting smash drunk :)

Hi Trog --

Sorry you're feeling blue, man. Missing that person we fell in love with is hard.

There's no hard and fast absolute rule for contact -- LC, NC, w/e. All I can say is that, at least for me, the only thing that keeps me sane, forward thinking and safe from falling down wells of rumination is NC. I've broken it w/ my ex during break-ups we had -- only to learn that nothing changed. None of her promises to work harder on herself, continue to maintain the interests she had that seemed to make her happy -- which she only seemed interested in when we weren't together -- promises to commit to therapy, and a healthier diet and exercise and sleep -- nothing ever changed. Except each time, I had less patience. I was more disappointed. I was less engaged.

So, I know that NC is the only way for me. Six months soon, and I'm not changing it. It's time to move on. I loved her, I still do -- but it's like the love for something lost, which is very much what she is to me now. We tried. I tried. It didn't work. It's time for acceptance.

Interestingly, she's dropped into more dreams lately -- but they haven't been bad. And none of them have really been "about" her, or had her in any kind of central role. She's just there sometimes, sometimes kind of awkwardly hanging around, other times kind of passing on the perimeter. Oddly, it's generally felt good to "see" her. I'm ok with it.

Hang in there.

Hi Trog.  Having the scab picked off when the wound is still in the healing process does not help.  Withdrawing yourself into isolation and missing the personal touch and affection is totally understandable.  We are created for intimacy. 

I don't think there is "any way to counter dreams".  In these instances, your dreams are just another way for your mind to process all that has occurred to you.  For me and my dreams of my ex-girlfriend with BPD, upon awaking I ask God to clarify if there is any meaning or message that I should grasp from the dream, as God does speak through dreams.  The answer has been quite profound. 

Interestingly, dreams are not really about anyone other than ourselves. All the "characters" are aspects of our own mental processes.

The fact that you had dreams in which you were loving and loved (guessing here) indicates that you have healed enough to get in touch with these feelings again. Over time, the characters that represent these emotions will likely become less identifiable with known people in your life.

Other brain science theories say that sleep is the time in which the brain does a "data dump": The non-essential synapses and chemicals that produce our thoughts and emotions are sort of swept up and disposed of during sleep. Some of these are sifted through in dreams... .kind of a final look before useless thought patterns are carried out to the mental trash bin.

We all tend to tell ourselves stories about our thoughts and feels so we can make some sense of them. The stories are the final phase of a sequence triggered by an event or perception. After we become aware of someone or something, our brain produces an emotion; and based on that emotion, we perform an action (physically or mentally).

The key is to watch this happen in yourself. When you realize that your ex is dangling a carrot or holding out a hoop for you to jump through, you can decide how you want to respond. I believe most moves by pwBPD back toward the relationship are merely for their emotional benefit, not yours; therefore, you can choose to respond with an appropriate level of engagement. It's not an all-or-nothing situation.

Quicksilver Girl

In response to qkslvrgirl.  :)reams are not known to be only about "ourselves", which would be somewhat narcissistic.  :)reams function for many reasons beyond just "data dump" of thoughts in our minds.  :)reams can and do provide warnings, encouragement, messages, resolutions, prophesy, etc.  People don't always represent as "characters" for our emotions in dreams either, they can be real people in real situations that we should pay heed to.  

Some dreams are meaningless while others are meaningful.  The key is to tap in on the meaning of a dream that is meaningful.  This is where I ask God for clarification of a dream.