BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

So my BPD bf broke up with me it's been a month and half.at first he said that he needs to be alone to suffer and didn't wanted to drag me along because I deserve better.when I keep insisting that it doesn't matter I wanted to be with him.

He give me an

alternate reason that he is with his ex now,I couldn't believe it cause he was never in to her even when they were dating.so I have him space but still stayed around .

He again changed his statement that he was pissed at me because I had too many guys falling for me and being proposed by then (it did happen) and he can't gave it all cause his world is small and he can't compete with any of em cause I m pretty and social.

I was having a conversation with my friend about it eho doesn't know about BPD at all said to me that if he is with his ex then he never wanted me anyway and never loved me.

He said that he was just using you.

I know it does seems like that but it's not the truth because the way I have experienced this relationship it was not like that...

He is now engaged with his ex and marrying her,we always talked about getting married but never got to those terms and it got me thinking that maybe he was never serious about me at all and he was just using me to get through tough times... .

I feeling worthless and my friend just confirmed the same for me...

My question is this what it all was ... that he never wanted me and played around with me?

Is it because of him boy being serious about me ... to this time I have been thinking that we broke up because he has BPD and it causes to push away the people BPD love and need the most...

I don't know if I m making myself clear... I m really hurt.

I'm so sorry your going through this.

Don't be hard on yourself

Your right. He wants intimacy and fears it at the same time. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.0) Some of the criteria for BPD are unstable inter-personal relationships, self-destructive behavior, fear of abandonment perceived or real. Many members have had their loved ones self destruct, abandon them before they're abandoned real or not.

Thankyou mutt,

For your reply and support.

I have read about this post on BPD fear of intimacy,it's about time that I re read it.

Thankyou for bringing it up to my notice .

X

He feels low self worth and doesn't feel good about himself. I don't think it's so much about using you, he's insecure about himself, has insecure attachments, and has an acute fear of being alone.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

Thankyou mutt for validating the thoughts I have been having.

By the end of the relationship I did feel that I was the trigger for him.well because of me being social and that thing happened with my collegue proposing me it triggered something bad inside of him and he just wanted me out of his life.

I did alot of validation,I tried my best  to calm down his anxieties to soothe him I reassured him that I wasn't leaving him but nothing helped as he just wanted me out and he was ready to do anything to make this happen.

He used to say a lot that I deserve better,and 'this ought to be 'it 'sooner than later.

Could I have done anything to make it better cause I really didn't wanted this relationship to end,I really love him.can I still do anything to make it better?

I have been reading lessons over this board and listening to other ppl stories,everyone suggest that we should respect when someone with BPD wants us out of there life and give space ...

I am also wondering that what I m suppor to do when he will be back?i want to read all there is and be emotionally and mentally strong to set proper boundaries and reinforcing behaviour.

Can you suggest some articles or post for me to read?i will really appreciate it.

Thankyou -

I understand. I didn't understand my ex partner was mentally ill. I triggered her and I triggered her fear of abandonment, she simply wanted out and there's nothing I could have done.

You can also post on different boards Kasina. Some members may want to learn communication skills, re-enforcing behaviors etc if they want to co-parent for example. You can post on the Staying Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) if you choose. These skills are beneficial as they can be applied in day to day life. I use SET Support, Empathy, Truth when I talk to my ex partner.  I also apply it at work, with family and friends, e-mail, text etc.

Are you working on detaching?

I wanted to post in the staying board but I was wondering if its ok to post in this board when my BPD partner has left me?

I have read lessons on leaving detaching from a failed BPD relationship I did find it helpful but I still need a lot of understanding on implicating it.

I agree with you I should learn more about being validating and avoid triggering my BPD ex partner if he chose to come around.

It's just I m still in midst of figuring out weather it was a right kind of relationship for me,it was not healthy at all,my BPDbf needed alot of work on his issues which he refused to admit.

If I keep changing it won't be helpful until he decided to do something about it too.

I love him but I m just wondering would it be enough for both of us to go along just fine.

I need this time to focus on myself and decide what I really want and then work on my skills so that if I chose to stay then I would be better equipped,

Thanx alot for the guidance and support.

I understand he left you. I think the question to ask yourself is if your done. You can choose to post on Staying if your not done with the r/s or you can also choose to post on the Undecided board and explore either. If you change your mind and decided you want to leave the r/s you can change boards and post on Leaving.

How do you feel about it?

I feel I m not done with the r/s.we were in love and good together and for more than 2 years.

We really got close... we broke up once which was like this one sudden but things weren't really going well then as in intimacy was not really there and it had been us dating for two months only...


This time it was different we were really committed to eachother and engaged.we didn't decide it over night it took us alot of time and real work to get where we go in this r/s...

We just started to talking about each others issues and he was really changing for me and for this r/s... I didn't wanted it to end finally I had that intimacy with him that i always wished for...

Oh... I really wish to things get back to normal real soon.i hope he realisez it soon enough but I don't want to be too optimistic ... he might never come around and this light he the end of us ,in this case I might get hurt by hoping and expecting for things getting better... when maybe they won't ...

Can you understand what I trying to say?i want it to work but I m afraid of bring disappointed...

Do you want him to change?

You don't want him to break trust?

Yes of course I want him to change and not to break my trust.i want this change more  than anything.

Change comes from you. Change doesn't come from someone else.

Yes I know,I have read so much about it that we can't make someone to change,we can't control someone else's action.all we can do is change ourselves and decide we can and what we won't tolerate I.e set boundaries.

But tell me what option are we left with one despite our most sincere efforts someone won't let us in completely or won't trust us.how can we change to be more trustworthy when there isn't any real issue in being unworthy for trust.

What changed can we make in ourselves then?

TBH at one point in order to maintain the peace I changed myself so much that I felt I m enabling him and inviting unhealthy behaviour.

That's one I stopped and took a chance in taking time for myself without being ignorant to him and that's when he'll broke up on me.

Hi Kasina.  Unwarranted trust issues has more to do with BPD here and the fears and phobias associated to this disorder.  Basically, options are very limited, if even existent, when dealing on the back end of a BPD relationship.  Thus the reason for being walled out by a BPD person.  They can make the normal challenges of any relationship and amp it up on steroids to be beyond difficult. 

I personally believe that the best changes are made in how we choose to positively respond to the senselessness and in empowering ourselves to get back on track from the devastating blows and damage that these relationships usually inflict.  It can be a process to rebuild/restore that which a BPD person and relationship has torn down.

Hi Kasina,

I thought that as I have just been through a quick two day recycle of sorts (I walked away), that I would try to offer you the answers you seek, because these questions have been a focus for me., as well

I left my exBPD, three months ago. I caught her in a huge lie (emotional affair followed by a trip out of town with the man, while we were still together). We were having problems before and I needed to change my own processing capabilities to adjust. I take some of the blame, but this did not excuse the rages, the insults that led to very physical altercations. On my part it was purely defensive and a hand was never raised but I did some pushing and restraining. Happened maybe 6 times in the relationship.

I am actually very pleased that the responses, from other members, have been kind and appreciative of the fact that you are clearly heart broken. Not that most don't, it's just that sometimes the responses can be very hard core and difficult to digest when one is in your position.

I would recount the entire story of the two days I spent with her, where there was tremendous push pull. She reached out for a genuine reason (very old and very sick dog that I loved dearly). I couldn't say no and when I saw the dog it was in such bad shape, so I am glad I did help and go to her aid, but I paid for it with emotional currency.

Yes they do very much love us and care. It's hard to process but it's there, particularly if they are high functioning. The problem is that they simply don't know how to manage it all. They are deeply impulsive and manipulative, especially when they need help. I know that my ex still loves and cares deeply and yours does too.

I, like you, felt the relationship was not over, although I had given up after reaching out to her a couple of times, over the three months (no begging, just reasonable attempts to reconcile). She refused. Then comes the need for my genuine help and a first night of her professing love etc. I did get caught up and she backed away (which was normal) What wasn't was the fact that twice I point blank asked her if she was dating anyone and both occasions, she paused and lied. I didn't have proof but was briefly suspicious. My heart and head did immediately feel the wonderfulness of the first night of affection. It was something I have missed with a person who I still love deeply.

So the next day, when I am caring for her dog while she worked, I found a document in with some other documents that were needed for me to help with another chore (i.e not snooping). It was a receipt, from a resort out of town, that was cut the week before (in other words the trip was last week).

I put two and two together and texted her that I was leaving her place and that she could find her own ride home. Why did I do that? Because she bold face lied to me, twice.

One of the things she professed over and over again, during our relationship , was that she was honest Abe, that she would never do anything to hurt me. That she would never put me through what she went through with her ex husband (who bolted after 7 years with her, now I know why). 

In this case (the recent two days), I was guilty of suddenly hoping, despite my better judgment. So... .if she had told the truth, while I would have been hurt, at least she would have been honest. But she lied because she needed my help. I basically rescued her and paid for the vet bill, was ready to start driving her back and forth to work etc. even with the understanding, despite the first night of heavy affection, that I was not going to push or pursue. I wanted it but had to respect the boundaries. I still hoped that she would come around and she might have, based on the first night. I believe that it was real, that the rush of emotions seeing me, brought back all kinds of emotions I know that she had for me.

Finding that receipt saved me, even if it hurt deeply. Fortunately, I am far enough into my recovery that this will not impact me too much, even though last night I shed a lot of tears. It offered me closure and I realized that I luckily didn't sleep with her and that someone was looking out for me. Finding that receipt, saved me from getting back into that dark hamster wheel of mistrust and constant uncertainty about the relationship.

I totally and completely understand where you are. You have friends and people here offering you the worst kind of news... .that a person you deeply love and care for will only be bad for you. I had already been moving on but, for the pain, these last two days were needed. I got to take care of her dying dog but also do so, while feeling solid, looking great and showing many other improvements in my life. I even told her that I had dated someone, during our break up. In other words, I was honest.

You feel you need to try again and that that you can make it work. As you will read on all of these boards, it is very possible. The problem is, and my story is proof, that regardless of how things go down, you will always be in a place to be manipulated and more importantly have your heart crushed even further. It is such a horrible pain that you are going through and that I am purging as we speak.

After I told her that I was leaving her apartment and that she should find her own ride home, a string of text messages were exchanged, where she refused to answer why she lied, but instead placed blame on me for not getting that we were not going to "happen", which I turned back on her by recounting the first night where she professed her love and was highly affectionate (holding hands, kisses etc). MOST importantly, she shouldn't have lied that she was dating someone.

While I was deeply hurt and somewhat desiring a return to the relationship, she was completely dishonest. I asked her how she thought her lover might think if he found out that I had slept in her bed for two nights. He lives out of state. No response. However, what it proved to me was that I was not the first boyfriend who she did this too (hang with ex boyfriends while in a committed relationship). In this case, I was the ex boyfriend. He will suffer the same fate that I have, if he gets into anything serious with her. He lives out of state and still lives with his "ex wife" and children and clearly they have met up, but not where is his but rather out of town for both of them.

In other words, this would just keep happening if somehow I had managed to get her back. That I would live a life where I was running around helping her, paying for things, caring for her animals (who were so happy to see me that they didn't leave my side) but more importantly always worrying about when she would lie again, when she would have inappropriate relationships with ex boyfriends etc. That I would be heartbroken over and over again.

I too fell into the trap of voraciously learning about BPD, even though she never came out with it, and believing that if I just got one more short when my head was right, that I could find that woman I so missed. That there would be a change in her.

The problem is that, especially, with high functioning BPD's, so often it all sounds so intelligent and real (a lot of it is, including the affection , the genuine sadness and the apologies etc.) You allow yourself to believe that it can get better. That she was having a bad day. It is so hard to process, even with all of the knowledge that I have, (that there is an emotional disorder in the person you love so deeply. It's the same voice, the same body, the same person who genuinely cares about you but with a major emotional burden.

It is heartbreaking to think that there is nothing we can do, that no amount of change we can make that will burn off the emotional complications that lie within these people we love. We desperately want to believe that we have the power or that they will see the light in you and realize that they were losing someone who truly loves them.

You could get that chance and maybe it is what you need to see things in focus. Even right now, I have that desire for her love. Even now I have fleeting thoughts about how beautiful it would be to be back to that beautiful loving relationship that I had with her (refreshed three nights ago). It was pure. I also wanted to help, to be there for her, to save her, as I had done so many times in the past. I got lucky because I caught her in a huge lie, two days in. The alternative might have been weeks of me once again sacrificing my time, affection and financial resources, while she was courting another man.

In your cases, it's even harder and worse, because he plans on marrying his ex. There will likely be a day, if they marry, where his ex finds out that he was seeing his other ex (you) on the side. She will suffer the same pain that you are. She was you, when you were dating him. Missing him, craving him, wanting to do anything she could to get him back, to get that one more chance. Now she is stuck in that circle again, where she feels on edge worrying when the show will drop.

Nothing I can say will force you to believe that it's not worth it or that you should move on. This means letting go of all of your dreams with this man. Nothing is harder than the realization that no matter how much you love a person they can only cause you pain. My ex is going to give this other man pain or maybe, because he still lives with his "ex-wife" and kids, he is using her. Who knows. All I do know is that, while still hurting, I must move on.

I can't expose myself to the mind and heart torture that would come from re-uniting with my ex. I had no other choice nut to see and help, because her dog is in very bad shape. I couldn't say no to helping her with an animal that I love so dearly and who perked up the entire time I was there. That I need to focus on myself and to find a new partner.

I want love and want to be in a loving relationship. I wish that, more than anything, it had happened with my ex, but it won't. My last text to her was "please never contact me again, you professed honesty as your highest principal but proved that it is one of your lowest". We were together four years (marred with complications and anguish).

It sounds like your relationship was long enough. If so, then yes, he loves you and yes he cares and most likely will miss you. But you will only suffer more pain and heartache if you hold on, wait and hope. If you do find each other again, you will likely go through that deep love again, that compassion and caring. You will experience it again, but you will also deal with all of the hurt and pain that you feel now, but it will be fresh again and even more painful.

Nothing and I mean nothing would have made my life seem happier if I could have the woman I fell in love with back. I too fear that I can never find that kind of love again and I too have suffered greatly thinking that I could help her by giving even more of myself, by doing more for her. My heart has ached, too, thinking about her pain, how past traumas were so hard on her that it caused a complete shift in her emotional state. How much torture she faced and faces, daily. It kept me in the relationship. But there I am feeling sorry for her, when just last week, she was at a resort with another man. (again, it was about the lie not the fact that I was accusing her of infidelity, when we were broken up) I wanted to take care of her and got sucked into the feeling of love and affection.

I still love her. The only thing she did wrong this time was outright lie. I believe that, when she saw me a couple of days ago, she did feel a rush of love for me that had been dormant. I know that she loves me and I know that she cares deeply for me. But the manipulator in that body needed help and was ready to lie for fear that the truth might send me packing again. I asked her why she didn't ask her man for financial help. That he had the funds to pay for transportation to the vet and to pay for her cab fare to a from work, to pay for a dog sitter to monitor her dog. No answer.

Big hug Kasina. You are going through hell and I am so sorry. I will fortunately bounce back, because I had already let go and because I was lucky enough to find proof that she will lie to get what she needs. You will bounce back too, even if you get that chance to reconcile. But you can also find that love in another man, someone without the crushing emotional baggage. I spent two days with a woman whom I loved and whom I know know feels love for me, but if I had not found that receipt, I would have been sucked into it even further and the pain would have been much worse.

I hope this helps and that you find your way.

Stay strong.

P.

It's the outright lies, and the lies by omission to manipulate others that are the toughest part of the pwBPD dysfunction.  What makes it more disturbing is that it is so effortless. For me, catching on was the hard part, they are so damn good at it. It's a life-skill set for them.

Once I clearly saw that and accepted it I could start to see the bigger picture. it's a tough thing to accept about someone that you deeply love.

Infared, you are absolutely right and love that you included "lies by omission", because this one was a staple in my ex's diet. It's used to protect themselves from guilt. If nothing was said, then they weren't lying.

Prior to leaving her, my ex clearly met up with this other man, who came into town. The lie she told was so elaborate that it is shocking. She claimed a close friend of hers (woman) was coming from LA and that she was going to hang for the day. My ex was home early, so I know nothing happened, but when she got home she went so far as to provide details like how much her friend annoyed her, was nasal and how she was glad that she only had one more day to deal with it. That she gave her friend my hello. I didn't ask anything when she got back because I wanted to trust her.

Of course, i figured it out after she was on the phone with someone, in bed, while I was right there in the office working, asking if she had been a good tour guide and this is when the next meeting was discussed. The friend she claimed had been here, lived here for 10 years, hardly needing a tour guide. When I figured out that she was going to spend NYE, in another city with "friends" I packed my stuff and bolted.

To go to the length of coming home and offering up so much detail, that I didn't ask for, is mastery. As you say it is a life skill for them.

Now she sits in her dirty apartment (I was going to clean it yesterday) for her. I did shave the other dog before I started to get to work on the other project she had lined up, where I found the resort receipt. She is back to taking the bus which is a hard ride, I know she is strapped financially, so might not have the means to even use Uber. She has a dog that is dying (likely can't afford a sitter - she is at work at least 7 to 8 hours a day on her feet). This part I am trying not to allow to crush my heart because I love that dog and she loves me deeply. I spared myself weeks of difficulty. She claimed she was leaving town (which she did repeatedly while in the relationship with me - I have a son here that I won't leave, so each episode was heart poundingly difficult. It wasn't until the end that I started to realize that she has fanciful dreams, without the means to execute them, without a loving partner for emotional, physical and financial support. She survived long before I, so will survive again.

It's so sad though that she blew it all, for what I know will amount to nothing.

Kasina. I offer all of this detail to both help me get it out but more importantly to shine a light on all of the small subtle ways these people we love so deeply manipulate and hurt. We so want to believe that it isn't true, that we are over analyzing, that they couldn't possibly be so uncaring as to do and say all of the things they do. We see the love and beauty in them, the softness and the child who has suffered so badly in their lives. We don't want to let go, we don't want to give up on them. The urge to ride it out is so extreme. Why? because we are kind and loving people. Anyone that has been through the gauntlet with a BPD, whether they understood what was happening or not, is a loving, kind givers whose hearts are huge. I always say that having such a big heart is a blessing and a burden. I offer this detail so that you can see how subtle it can be but also how devastating.

It is not abnormal for former lovers to reunite but normal relationship retries are delicate re-entries. I arrived at her place three days, after not seeing her for three days and it was like the first day we met. 0-100 and I allowed myself to get caught up in it, because I craved it. I remained cautious.

Again, Kasina, I am just trying to spill out an experience, so that you can see if from the perspective who feels much the same way you do (almost all of us here feel this way). We all wanted our relationships to succeed. We all hoped our exes would suddenly come out of it and that we could finally get the pure person we know exists in these people we love so deeply.

BPD's are individuals, so they are all different. But read every story on this site and often times, you will read another person's story and it will sound like your own. It's mind bending how an emotional disorder can be so consistent. Again, some are different but most often it is more a matter of the degree of the trait than it is that there are different traits.

Even I, with all of my knowledge, when face to face with her, was not able to take control and manage my emotions. When she said that she wanted to wait until the next day to monitor her dog before going to the vet, while I was on my way to her place, I should have turned around and come home and said, if you decide to take the dog to the vet tomorrow, let me know. Instead, I went right on in, knowing that she had been drinking. She had asked me to come over a number of hours earlier and if I could work from her place and be with her, comfort her. I said that I couldn't. But I still went over after. I needed that fix and I got it. It cost me.

A final piece of advice, Kasina. Go out on a date or more. I remember when I left my ex, I jumped into internet dating sites and felt quite sick when I was leafing through women. I didn't want to let go and the emotions were too raw. However, I slowly kept going in a finding some very attractive women that kind of matched my profile. I reached out to one in particular and started having a chat conversation. Things progressed. Unfortunately, she got scared (mother of 2 young ones, working) and pulled back. No problem, maybe in the future. Most importantly though, it helped me move on. Join a dating site or two and engage with a few men. You ladies have it so much easier, although you also have to deal with baboons who have little to say and are just looking for a fun time. But it could help you. While you should not use it as a reason to do so, they say that when you move on, they somehow feel it and reach out. Use that as your motivation and see what happens.

I limboFL,

Am sorry you went through so much struggle and heartbreak in your relationship but I really admire you for standing for yourself and leaving the relationship by knowing that its not right to let these things go because these lies and manipulation were going to make you suffer more and heartbroken in the long run.

I know this from experience,my bf lied to me and I caught him in it but I

Accepted his lake excuses just because I wasn't ready to give him up.yes I loved him so much that I pit up with the lying and I m sure he cheated on me one time but he won't admit I didn't really dig in because I was scared to find out that he did ... in that cause I didn't wanted to end us.

You see I tried my best to work this out in order for that I put up with his wrong behaviours and attitude ... I invited for punishment and horrible treatment from him and yes he did treat my like crap at times.



It doesn't do any good you loose in this relationship anyway .you will never want what you wish for in this relationship and if you stayed for long.ur gonna lose yourself along the course of it.

I also believe that this disorder varies from person to person.some people have this insight and are genuinely good ppl at heart so the really try to make it work in there own way while other are just self centered ppl who want they want and when they no matter by what means they get it... it's just my own opinion... idk I m having a bad day feeling really crappy about myself and the way he treated ...

So I m sorry if I hurt someone's feeling by bitter words...

Ppl here on board have been really supportive to me and very understanding.cant thank them enough ...

A big hug to you

Thank you Kasina, leaving her was one of the hardest decisions in my life. She was not my ideal woman and she had many flaws but I fell deeply in love with her and still find her very beautiful. If there is a selfish sliver lining for me, it is that she is 45, so not a young girl who has the male world as her dating oyster.

I am a quite good looking guy and when I get my self esteem but up to scratch, I believe that I can find someone new who will help me forget about her and all of the pain.

I suppose that I am fairly fortunate because I started moving on after only three months (after 4 years with her, most of which was spent living under the same roof, largely because I saved her after she was kicked out of her apartment). I could share some stories of what I endured. She accused me of giving her an STD and broke up with me because of it. I got tested and sent her the negative results. We got back together and well she had an STD. I stayed with her despite this and despite the constant fear that sleeping with her could pass it on to me. It impacted everything in the bedroom for me. But, again, I loved her and wanted to protect her.

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. Everyone says "it will pass" and it will but like me, I know that you aren't there yet. Fortunately, I am not as devastated or anxious about saying goodbye again. I get tiny waves, but they will go away. Chatting with this beautiful woman, on the dating site, helped me a great deal. One of the things that kept me staying connected was my belief that my ex BPD and I had so much in common, and we did. But that this commonality was rare, that I would never find it again, in the derivation that I found in my ex. Chatting with the lady on the dating site helped me understand that there are other people out there with enough of the same likes etc as you, that finding a new love will likely not be as hard as once thought. Who knows.

For now, all you can do is accept the pain and move forward. As I said, my firm belief is that engaging on a dating site will help. It's a way of communicating to people you find attractive and it helps to rebuild your self esteem because you are a new face to them, a new person, if there is physical appeal between two people, you feel like it might just be ok, that you might just be ok out there and find someone new who will appreciate you for what you have to offer. Join and message some guys, if you want, or join and wait for guys to message you. You can choose who to respond to and it's safe. I know I sound like a dating site promotional ad but I just know that it helped me recently to take the final step away, although I still got lured back into my ex's clutches, albeit for a genuine crisis. If she had just tried to ask me over to chat or whatever, I would have ignored her, but I couldn't ignore a dying dog that I loved.

Hopefully, she leaves town as promised. It will further help because even though I live in a large city, I am really just a couple of miles from her.

You very rightly pointed out that there are degrees and my ex does have a kind heart and is conscientious. She genuinely cares and genuinely cared about me. She felt lots of guilt after certain episodes and after saying certain things to me. She cried and was depressed, after she hurt me, but there were also lots of times where she felt it was completely justified to do certain things and made me feel like an overbearing partner for demanding that certain boundaries not be crossed. I also know that she is conscious of her issues, self aware and I watched her fight every day against her anxiety and decision making. She went from plowing through copious amounts of cocaine, to me who pulled her out of that world. She worked very hard to self regulate, which only made me love her more, because how does one not empathize, when the non is aware of the disorder and what it does to the sufferer? I never leaned on her to go to therapy nor did I ever utter the disorder.

Take your time, heal and fight your way back into life. So many on this board suffer for a year or more. Fight not to allow that to happen. Find a higher purpose, no matter what it is and as mentioned, dip your toes into the dating world, even if it is just for therapy. There is another man out there for you, just as there is another woman out there for me.

Stay strong!   

Hey limbofl,

I get what you have been through I feel exactly that way... I wish to have someone for whim I will feel the way I feel for him.he was the love of my life.he made me laugh alot.he has hurt me to unmeasurable amount... but i will still forgive him if he would at least tey to make it alright.

I pray that one day you and I and all the people who have been hurt and are coping with a broken hurt can find someone who's worth the effort and love that we give.

And possibly make us feel the way  once we did with our BPD ex's.

X

Kasina,

I am sorry to hear that you have been swept up into emotional chaos. It is a terrible place to find yourself. Like you, and many others on these boards, I have been where you are at. One thing that I did find that helped me to see things more clearly in my dysfunctional relationship was to pay attention to my BPDexgf's actions rather than place weight/significance on her words. Her actions were clearly telling the tale.

I think that your feelings of being used and easily disposed of are indeed valid, as those things did occur. That being said, you should not accept responsibility for those actions upon yourself. Those were the actions of your exSO. Those actions speak of his character, not of your character. Acceptance plays an enormous role in clearly seeing, objectively, what occurred within the relationship.

By your writings, I do not believe that you are there yet, and that is completely normal. We all work through our difficulties in life at our own pace. I know that what I have written sounds rather cold, but when you become further emotionally detached, you will begin to really see what occurred within the relationship; you will begin to see and accept that you were attempting a normal relationship with an abnormal person. Again, that is not a statement against you or your actions; it is a statement against him and his actions, due to his personality impairment.

Your relationship, like most spoken of on these boards, was doomed before it began. No matter what changes that you made or didn't make or action that you took or didn't take, the bus was always going to go over the side of the cliff with your exSO behind the wheel. I hope that you find peace very soon.

Hi appllotech,

I am quoting every word you say because these are the same notes I have been thinking about.i have been thinking about his actions.he lied,cheated on me ,humiliated me in front of his and my family members.when I repeatedly asked him not to do so...

Bpd or no BPD what kind of person does this to someone he/she loves by doing the specific things they are asked to not to

So because it hurts there loved ones... I kept begging him

Not to hurt me this way instead talk to me I will make it upto him if only he would stop being cruel but he never cared...

We were 3momths in to relationship with him when he broke up with me in most cruel way anyone could ... one day I was at his place

Being in love and the very next day he announces on a social site that he is engaged with his ex without even having the courtesy if breaking up with me.when I called him to confront he didn't even replied or answered my call...

After weeks of begging him to tell me why he did this to me I stopped because he won't answe me... .he came back after a month apologised and I

Forgave him because I was having symptoms of PTSD... i was scared,fragile,couldn't eat or sleep.i was pathetic ... a living corpse and the only way to sooth my shattered ego and self esteem was to take him back ... I felt heAled so I did and asked him not to do this to me again because I was tortuted to death...

After two years on ups and down in this relationship when I was finally hailing my sanity and stated living ... he felt rejected and threatened because I had a life and he didn't.i tried to convince him that hrs my priority but he didn't believe it.he wanted to hurt me so that I could be pathetic again and beg h so he would feel loved or wanted again ...

He broke up with me again the same way he did the first time,he started being passive aggressive,initiated a break up and the next day his engaged with his ex ex

I told him not to do this to me,I told how it hurted me.we promise we will never think about breaking up again ... yet he did.

Who does that ?he saw me how miserable I was the first time he did that me.

What same person would do that?

In between the r/s there was lots of lying and cheating that I forgave but this was the limit... how could someone who claims to love you be so cruel?

I keep telling myself ... that I m better without him cause in the end it's the action that matters not the words ... he is not worth it.not worth the effort...

There has to be some level of low... it seems like he has none.

But again there are days when I miss him,idk why I have nothing to hold on to him but I still do because I loved that inconsistent mess of a person .i feel in love with him and issues too... I felt deeply for him... the way he felt helpless... the way he felt anxious and alone .the way he would seek refuge in me when he was terrified of being hurt...

I love him deeply.

Idk what can I do to make myself heal... I can't make this love leave my heart.i feel incapable of loving someone else... I m trying to find a middle ground where I can for now can cope up with myself ... :) let alone his issues.

I know what your saying ... I believe you.i just don't know how to deal with myself .

X

Kasina, I read the last paragraph of your last post and had to respond.

Every non on this board has been stood on and put up with so much more than most would have. As my story tells, I was there and ready to put up with more except the lies and the pending infidelity.

However, it is time for you to pull yourself up and appreciate that you are worth more than that, much more. You rebuilt when he was in your life, so it is time to rebuild again and this time with the knowledge that he won't be around to destroy all of your hard work.

Get angry, go outside and yell at the top of your lungs. Scream "how could the mother f*&^%$ treat me like this, f(*& you assh)(*&" If you have a gym, go find a punching bag and figuratively punch his face in. You have to let it out, now!

Your situation is much worse than mine, although all of our stories are somewhat similar. What kind of woman is his ex that she keeps letting him back in and agreeing to marry him, over and over again? This guy has it made. He both her and you waiting in the wings for him so he can jump from one to the other whenever he pleases. His ex clearly doesn't have the strength to end the cycle, so you bloody do it. You put your foot down. If you don't he will keep playing you along and you will stay in this cycle forever.

Trust me, I love my ex still and deeply but I am purging the emotions because I don't need to feel like that anymore. I don't feel sorry for her because she made her bed, not me. I was ready to help again but she lied again. You have tons more proof than I ever did that your man is a sleaze, now you need to force that to be the prevailing thought. There are plenty of men out there, like me, who are honest, kind, giving and wanting a real relationship. I know you are distraught right now, but maybe you should force yourself to join a dating site to just communicate with a few men. If they ask for a date then just say no, for now. I struck up a wonderful conversation with a woman, who actually helped me get stronger, although she didn't know it. She pulled back a little, very sweetly, Mother of two young kids, working etc. She got a little scared. I was totally cool with it and was very kind in my response. I just asked her not to lose my number because it would be nice to be friends. Get out there are see how much value you have. You don't need this fool, no matter how much you love him and you KNOW that he won't change.

If this is what you need to move forward, know this and while I am not sure if this was why because my ex reached out to me for help for a very genuine reason, there is a great deal of truth to the fact that BPD's somehow sense when you are done and healed. I don't know, 6th sense maybe, but I can assure you that once you get stronger and better, he will rethink his position. So long as you are a balled up mess on the floor, he knows he has you in his grasp. The further you move away from him because you are healing the less secure he will feel. My sincere hope is that you decide to move on without him.

In order to heal, though, you have to accept zero contact from him. I mean you have to cut him out completely. Do not answer phone calls, texts etc. I had to, again because it was about a dog that I love. I ignored the first text and the phone calls the next morning but read the text. I was at that point strong and confident, basically over her. I had no choice and she love bombed me and I sunk right back in. Finding proof of the lie saved me, it got me out before I could fall back in to the pit of anguish and despair.

However, again, you aren't there yet, so for now use you regaining your strength and zest for life as the motivation to get him back but it can't be for that reason alone. It has to be to get you back.

Pick yourself up and do it. We are supporting you and are all here to offer words of encouragement. I typically only stay on BPD a few days to heal because it ends up being too hard to read about the stories as they remind me of my own, but I will hang around to help you. If you want private message me and I will continue to grab your collar and keep you up.

Do not allow him to not only walk all over you but control you to the point where you are giving up on life. Do not allow anyone to do that to you!

Hugs.

Hey limboFL

Thankyou for the words,I really needed it.

It's not his same ex that took him .its his another ex ... there's this triangle that us created with 3 girls ... the oldest of his ex is out.she put an stop to his recycling by going NC.

This time it's the another ex who lives out of state .

But I get your point... I understand he's not a good person either pitting his BPD aside.he is got sever issues which he's manglinh by dysfunctional coping mechanism .

I for once tired to make hik understand and aware of his issues but it seems he doesn't wanna change .

Anyway.u are right I have to rebuild myself again without thinking about him a possibility in my life.

I have blocked him from all social websites and from my phone.

Is that good for taking the first baby step?its been almost 5 days.

Shoulf I go along keep thinking that as if he never existed .would that make it better?

I know hism since high school and we also went the same college.we love in the same city and he's a family friend.so I know alot about his dating history ... he has very vague daring history with lots of exes!

Kasina, you will never be able to pretend he never existed. As mentioned if I allowed my emotions to take control of me, a whole bunch of difficult emotions would bubble up. Even today, while writing on this site, I got a surge of emotions and began to cry because I love my ex deeply. But I purposely force the emotions down, in fact I am doing it right now. I am fighting an inner battle to not allow myself to think about her except in a negative light.

Yes, NC is absolutely necessary. I made the mistake or sending her notes, reasonable notes not begging or anything. As soon as I did that I was left with this anxiety anticipating the response. I could get into more detail about our communication but it's not constructive.

The key to your own survival and recovery is to absolutely not respond to him in any way. It sounds like he is the type to continue to find a way to communicate, so even if he breaks through, do not respond. Delete his messages. Even when my ex and I have had communication, when I responded, I immediately deleted the thread. otherwise, I would have read it over and over. I didn't want to see her full responses either.

There is a point where you crave to hear from them. You want some sign that you mean something to them and you do and always will. Many say that they are just blood suckers. I don't believe this for a second. These are humans who have been hurt very badly to get like this. They want love and they love us but they just can't cope. The key switch I made was to no longer allow myself to feel sorrow for my ex. So many times, I would cave and cry because I wanted to be the one who wouldn't give up on her, abandon her, which was the very thing that she was most afraid of. I felt so much empathy and wanted to just make it better for her. In the end though I realized that, no matter how much I invested, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't make it better for her, so I have finally stopped inflicting all of this pain on myself.

letting go is the absolute hardest part because you had dreams and you love this person. It feels similar to the feeling I might get if I were to put an innocent animal on a small boat and pushing it off to sea. But our ex's have survived this long and they will continue to do so. We can't save them and we can't burden ourselves with the pain of their helplessness, especially when we are repaid with betrayal. At some point, we have to start repairing ourselves so that we can survive, so that we can find our own way out of the hurt. I believe that this is what our BPD exe's do, they simply force the pain they feel without us into a file way back in their brains. In fact I believe that because of what they have gone through their entire lives, what I am working on right now is something they have mastered. They are experts at simply pushing the pain away. It never actually goes away, it just lies dormant, but it then resurfaces. It's different for all, but I am learning to simply not allow the empathetic thoughts to bubble up into my heart and mind. It's a coping mechanism.

I can tell you that NC is critical. It get's easier but take it from me that when it's broken (NC) you are only taking 4 steps back and worse yet if you see them or spend any time with them, it sets you back 100 steps. It is impossible to keep your feelings at bay when they are in front of you, especially if they love bomb you, which seems to be common place. You see there physical beauty and their sweet charm. You crave the attention and the affection. I was like a found puppy a few nights ago. All of the intelligence and common sense went out the door. I was on a beautiful wonderful ride, but I paid for it.

You won't be able to completely pretend that he doesn't exist but every day that goes by without contact, you will grow stronger and this will give you a growing strength to not allow the betrayal to hurt and you will be able to get even stronger about pushing away the empathy, which prays even harder on us. Our desire to save them goes away and it is replaced with anger that we were so badly betrayed.

Fight back Kasina, do not allow this man to rob you of your life, do not allow him to have his cake while you are wrapped up in a ball on the floor. While as mentioned I do feel for our pwBPD's for the damage they have done, their ability to push the guilt and sadness aside means that they get to enjoy life (in their own way) so why should you not do the same. They get to jump from one partner to another while we feel guilt, sickness and sadness. Doesn't seem very fair to me. It's all easier said than done, but work towards it. Baby steps, every day, fight back. You will win and you will be happy again!

Thankyou limboFL,

For the empathy and understanding .

I have decided that I won't have him in my life no matter how hard it is,I will remain NC.

I have made my decision and I know it a deeper level this is the right decision for me to move on without him in my life.

It's just it takes te in getting there and I am trying my best.

Whenever I feel like m at my breaking point I come here and post instead ruminating over my ex.

X

 Hey kasina

You said you talked To a male  friend about you exBPD. You should ask yourself ? Why is this guy I invited into my personal situation talking so negative and saying  his thoughts with no evidence to support his accusations. (He doesnt care for you)(he doesnt know your ex has BPD). sends huge  red-flag  .

And ask yourself what agenda could he have. ( trying to hook up with you or something else drama queen) something is off here.

My T made a valid point"if you are going to dicuss your personal r/s with someone you better be 100% that this person is a friend of the realationship" .  In other words talk to someone who truly cares about the r/s you are in or trying fix. I promise you a true friend of the realationship would never say the things your male "friend" said . (Better boundries are in order here on your part) bad advice is as easliy followed as good advice.

   I would never consider the person you are talking to a friend of the r/s.

   There is a great book about boundries in a r/s it called "Not Just Friends" By Shirley P. Glass PHD. My exBPDgf and i tried to read this together and she could not  get a 1/4 way through this book with out crying uncontrollably , she broke all the rules for a healthy r/s in this book.

I tried and tried to help my r/s work. It did not help her at all it however did help me a great deal.

Hello sun seeker,

I can't thank you enough for pointing this out to me,I really appeteciate you talking time out to read my post and replying to it.

Yes this friend of mine was never a well wisher of my r/s with my BPD ex as he was untreated himself in dating with me but I had made it clear to him that I don't like him that way.

I usually never talk about my r/a with him but that one time I was really hurt and vulnerabl so I blurted out a few things about my ex.i didn't gave him any detail or anything,he just found out from one of our mutual friend that I had broken up with my ex and that he was with someone else ...

He is not that of a good friend and though after that meet up,he's trying to get in touch with me and he left some texts the other day that he wanted to go out with me but I refused politely .

I have no intention of talking to him or meeting up with again and in future I be more careful to surround myself with ppl who really care about me when I m feeling vulnerable and sad.

Thankyou