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Title: Family entanglements Post by: mjh on March 14, 2015, 12:35:03 PM So, I have long thought that my wife and her father both suffer from BPD. Now the problems it has caused are expanding beyond my immediate family.
My wife's parents have been married for close to 40 years. Dad is disabled due to a back injury and is on some fairly significant pain meds- maybe too much. mom has always seemed very concerned with appearances, to the point that she has spent quite a bit of money on the wrong things over the years and they are broke. Last week, mom tells us that she's had it with him and his crazy accusations of infidelity and can't go on with the charade any more. She wants a divorce. Now, this is sort of preposterous, because they can't really support one household, much less two. However, my wife and her sister decide that they have to discuss this. We tried last night. I should have known how this would turn out, but I went along. We didn't get 30 minutes into the discussion before my spouse is accusing her sisters husband of not caring about her, blaming Sis for the lack of love mom showed and the emotional abuse that dad piled on her, etc. Now we have an incredibly awkward family gathering ahead of us for the day. Bro in law has already approached me and told me that he is out of here if she starts down that road again. Wife is still mad and suspicious of everyone, full of resentment. Sis in law is showing off some of the defense mechanisms she must have learned as a kid. I have heard the stories of dads 'incidents' over the years, now mom is coming out and saying that they never stopped. The meds keep him knocked out most of the time, but when he is up and about its almost like the time he was under led to some sort of delusionary world view. Wife is still irate and has cancelled our planned anniversary trip reservations, is threatening to cut off comma witht the family, 'turn in' her family card, etc. Not sure what I am trying to get to, but it felt good to post. Wish me luck. Title: Re: Family entanglements Post by: tjay933 on March 14, 2015, 09:04:53 PM mjh
thanks for posting and welcome to the group. sorry to hear you are having such a bad time and more to come. let us know how it goes and if there is anything we can help you with. i know how chaotic family can be. your in laws sound a lot like mine. i shoulda started writing about them a long time ago, i'd have a best seller by now. hang in there and remember to breathe. and bring along anything you think you might need along with any ideas for escaping even temporarily if you think you or any other relative might need a breather from the blood fight. if you have a dog, bring it so you have an excuse to go for a walk. suddenly remember something you need to pick up/drop off if you feel you need to get out for a few minutes. above all, stay safe. Title: Re: Family entanglements Post by: bxtxba on March 15, 2015, 11:30:36 AM So, I have long thought that my wife and her father both suffer from BPD. Now the problems it has caused are expanding beyond my immediate family. My wife's parents have been married for close to 40 years. Dad is disabled due to a back injury and is on some fairly significant pain meds- maybe too much. mom has always seemed very concerned with appearances, to the point that she has spent quite a bit of money on the wrong things over the years and they are broke. Last week, mom tells us that she's had it with him and his crazy accusations of infidelity and can't go on with the charade any more. She wants a divorce. Now, this is sort of preposterous, because they can't really support one household, much less two. However, my wife and her sister decide that they have to discuss this. We tried last night. I should have known how this would turn out, but I went along. We didn't get 30 minutes into the discussion before my spouse is accusing her sisters husband of not caring about her, blaming Sis for the lack of love mom showed and the emotional abuse that dad piled on her, etc. Now we have an incredibly awkward family gathering ahead of us for the day. Bro in law has already approached me and told me that he is out of here if she starts down that road again. Wife is still mad and suspicious of everyone, full of resentment. Sis in law is showing off some of the defense mechanisms she must have learned as a kid. I have heard the stories of dads 'incidents' over the years, now mom is coming out and saying that they never stopped. The meds keep him knocked out most of the time, but when he is up and about its almost like the time he was under led to some sort of delusionary world view. Wife is still irate and has cancelled our planned anniversary trip reservations, is threatening to cut off comma witht the family, 'turn in' her family card, etc. Not sure what I am trying to get to, but it felt good to post. Wish me luck. So, I have long thought that my wife and her father both suffer from BPD. Now the problems it has caused are expanding beyond my immediate family. My wife's parents have been married for close to 40 years. Dad is disabled due to a back injury and is on some fairly significant pain meds- maybe too much. mom has always seemed very concerned with appearances, to the point that she has spent quite a bit of money on the wrong things over the years and they are broke. Last week, mom tells us that she's had it with him and his crazy accusations of infidelity and can't go on with the charade any more. She wants a divorce. Now, this is sort of preposterous, because they can't really support one household, much less two. However, my wife and her sister decide that they have to discuss this. We tried last night. I should have known how this would turn out, but I went along. We didn't get 30 minutes into the discussion before my spouse is accusing her sisters husband of not caring about her, blaming Sis for the lack of love mom showed and the emotional abuse that dad piled on her, etc. Now we have an incredibly awkward family gathering ahead of us for the day. Bro in law has already approached me and told me that he is out of here if she starts down that road again. Wife is still mad and suspicious of everyone, full of resentment. Sis in law is showing off some of the defense mechanisms she must have learned as a kid. I have heard the stories of dads 'incidents' over the years, now mom is coming out and saying that they never stopped. The meds keep him knocked out most of the time, but when he is up and about its almost like the time he was under led to some sort of delusionary world view. Wife is still irate and has cancelled our planned anniversary trip reservations, is threatening to cut off comma witht the family, 'turn in' her family card, etc. Not sure what I am trying to get to, but it felt good to post. Wish me luck. It sounds like a really challenging situation. How does your significant other function on a daily basis? Do you have kids involved? Title: Re: Family entanglements Post by: formflier on March 19, 2015, 11:35:36 PM MJH, How are things now? I'm glad you found us... .we can help things to get better in your r/s. For this situation... .most people that are dealing with BPD traits successfully have figured out that there is usually little upside to being involved in family drama and plenty of downside... .opportunities to be blamed... .and worse. I would encourage you to read up on validation. Focus less on the details of the drama and more on trying to understand and validate your wife's emotions. FF |