BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone... .

Ive been posting before about my r/s with now exBPD/bf... .

Its been two days i broke AGAIN (but never been so far before , 2 days)... .2 days ago we had a fight and drama why i left him "alone" because i had to meet my friends... .he doesnt like my friends and think they are so immature thats why i dont involve him in my social life that lately i have distanced it alot from me... .

It was absurd... .there i totally got convinced he is BPD , i knew it before but at that point i just believed for real... .

He started telling me he would have never done it to me , who would have never left me alone to meet his friends and a whole drama behind it... .i coudnt stand it anymore , i mean disscusing for such minor things , i was thinking what about in the future? Am i just gonma stay home to commit his agenda of lonliness , and order my needs next to his... .

Theb i broke up i told im sorry im going to deppression about all this situation u are giving me , please dont turn me back ... .and just left... .

After i left , he called me and told me ... .are u leaving for real?

Are u at the bus? Come back ... .u could just have told me "im sorry " he said ... .i realised he didnt understand anything ... .

Than i just left and went home... .after some hours of not talking he texted me on whatssapp, sending me pics of himself and the kitty i gave to him doing some sad faces obvious to make me feel sorry and guilty for his saddness and to come back... .

After a numerous texts i concluded with an "im sorry i have to say no , i cant take the confusion and pain anymore"

Yesterday i went at a day party about summer day... .he didnt write me all day... .wich was a little bit unbelievable, because he coundt stay just a minute without texting... .

I met all my friends , all the people i totally ignored during my whole r/s with BPD/bf ... .they told me they have missed me , and asked me where have i been and why i closed facebook down ... .i felt so sorry for myself that i had to close my social life and all those positive people just because of his jealosy and insecurity... .

I had a wonderful day , and decided to go to visit my mother that lives in another city... .when i was on the bus , i saw he texted me... ."am i bothering u?" , and i reply him i was traveling to my mother... .he told me so u went at the party , wow u were capable of partying ? Making me feel guilty about it ... .

I told him there is no way back , he told me that he kept believeing about getting back together , telling me everything was going ok , that we just have to understand each other , that i can do everything i want to do he wont stop me... .ect... .

I started crying on the bus because i knew it was a trap and nothing could ever change and i felt angry about this because i love him so much ... .


My friend keep telling me not to loose myself , and try to not reconcile and to do this for myself... .but it is so hard and painful... .i cant stop thinking about him , missing , and want to hug him so bad ... .

I know he is bad for me and the future i planned for myself but the need for him is killing me... .why do i have to be like this? It was what i wanted, a break up... .Whats the problem with me now?

So i have the fear to let go ?

Im going crazy... .he told me he is going to start therapy ... .but i want to stay away for some time to get myself back... .

My friend keep making me pressure to block him , but i cant do it , because thw point is he didnt do me a bad thing i mean by force , its not his fault about it , he feels sorry about his behaviours later ... .but i dont have time for this... .

I miss his hugs, the way he smiled (the few times he did) , everything... .everything was ok , exept his agarophobia ( fear from crowds of people i think , sorry my english) , except his way of talking to others about himself as a mature and serious boy , his insecurities , always camparing other people  with himself, making me feel guilty why i want to go out with my friends , getting angry about minor things , counting the hours we spent together and accusing me i didnt spwnd to much time with him, accussing me i didnt care about him ... .

I just want to sleep and wake up in a reality where i have never met this emotionally dangerous addictive guy

Hi ImGoingCrazy,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that.  

The good news is that you had a day party and visited and reconnected with your friends;  later visited your mother.  

The bad news is that there was a controller and a person being controlled; a transactional dynamic that illicits emotional compulsions of undesirable, uncomfortable, and self sacrificing behavior.

Susan Forward coined the term "emotional blackmail" or "FOG" fear, obligation, guilt. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) I think it's important learning about controlling behavior and what role we play to disconnect ourselves from this dynamic - it takes two.

Often people want something from us that isn't deliberately calculated or motivated with malignant intent. The are seeking approval, appreciation, safety, love, it's how people go about it that's manipulative.


I don't agree with being pressured by another person to do something. You have to want to do it , I think your friend is concerned because she cares. I agree that he likely doesn't understand his controlling behaviors and apologizing doesn't make it reasonable if it's an established pattern of enablement and the controller is enacting undesirable behavior followed by apologies.

There's no magic pill.

I'm not sure that I understand when you say there's no time for this.

When you say you miss his smiles and hugs, were things good for a period of time?

How long have you felt burdensome feelings?

Hey I'mGoingCrazy, I think your instincts are good (see above).  Now the hard part is listening to your gut feelings and following through with them.  As you already know, pwBPD are expert manipulators, so keep good boundaries and be aware of the dreaded F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) used to control others.  I think you are headed in the right direction so try to remain firm and stay the course.

LuckyJim

Thank u everyone for replying... .i left for real after re-thinking about it... .i still miss him as hell... .everytime i remind him a bitter saddness gets on my entire system... .The last time we saw each other he still tried to blame me about everything and asked me to start all over... .but i didnt trust him anymore, i just left, and im not going back ... .i saw him today in the morning from the bus and my heart just broke down ... .i just hope he seeks treatment , i really hope he does that... .i hope there is treatment , and i just want him to be happy with whoever he takes... .

And i hope for myself to get over this soon, im cant stop thinking him and the times we spent together... .yesterday it could have been 5 months together... .how long will it take for me to heal?