BPDFamily.com

I'm a little over 3 months out of a 4+ year relationship with my uBPDexgf. The relationship ended with her dumping me for a minor reason while having had a replacement lined up. I almost feel as if she planned everything because the timing was way too perfect. She hadn't allowed me to use instagram for a year because I would look at girls on it, just look, no contact, pages of models and things of that sort. All of the sudden in August of last year she says I can use it again.

During this time she would check my phone daily, looking for dirt. Well it so happens that one day she does find dirt, she sees that I had looked at a page with girls. So she dumps me. 2 days later she takes me back on the condition that I never log onto instagram again. I agree, but 3 weeks later I have a friend who gets a new car so I log on simply to look at the car. I look at his profile and like a pic and that's all. The next day she emails me, telling me we are done and breaks up with me. 4 years and you dump me via an email? She says that she talked to her mom and her mom agreed that she should dump me. What?

A week passes by while we are talking on and off. We had gone through many similar situations like these, the push/pull, recycling, etc. So I figured hey, "here we go again" *rollseyes*. She emails me telling me she would take me back in a heartbeat if I just showed I cared (her exact words). So obviously, I begin to try to get her back. Time passes by and she grows distant, but again I've been through this before.

Eventually she goes public with my replacement, 3 weeks after she had emailed me breaking up with me. In my head, I'm like "what?, that soon?". Like if I never mattered, as if there was no grieving on her part, nothing. It was that easy for her. Her first post with my replacement is her love bombing the crap out of him with hearts and etc.

Nothing made sense to me. We had gone on a date 2 weeks prior and she was telling me how she missed me, loved me and didn't want me to leave after the date. Almost begging for me to leave. I'm guessing she felt abandoned.

All this time I'm thinking that it is completely my fault, I lost the love of my life and now she had moved on. After doing some digging I found out this guy had been in the picture for quite some time. She had been dating him behind my back for months. Not only that, I discovered she had a tinder account since August! She had tried to make it seem as if it was all my fault. She had even mentioned this guy to me 4 months prior and told me she was having lunch with her cousin and my replacement! She had even asked me if I was jealous because we had the same name. I realize this was probably a lie and it was just her and him because that cousin she said she was with she didn't even like or had even talked to him for quite some time.

When I confronted her about it all she just kept denying it all. Eventually she gave in and said she had lied and manipulated me, I had to present evidence to her for her to not deny it. I honestly think she believed her own lies.

Back to my question. Does is seem as if it was all planned? Her meeting or going out with this guy in August, when in that same month was when she made a tinder account and had allowed me back on instagram. It's like if she knew I was going to do something she didn't like on instagram and she had to put all the blame on me. I gave her exactly what she wanted it seems. Its quite sad though, she strung me along all those months as she tried to replace me with someone, she was just looking for anyone it seems if she was on tinder... .

It's funny because a time when all this was happening I had tried to look at her phone and she didn't let me despite her looking at mine every day, she made an excuse and I ended up forgetting about it. That was a major  red-flag, she had been talking to my replacement. I wish I had caught on earlier.

Hi ta777,

I'm sorry to hear that.

A pwBPD have sensitivity to rejection / abandonment and look for clues for that someone hates them or is going to abandon them. The person has feelings of low self worth and don't see why someone likes them.

It's speculation that it's the catalyst of her abandoning you, often an underlying resentment that builds up in the r/s. It may be she felt rejection at the pictures you were looking at of the women triggered her sensitivity to rejection / abandonment.

I think your instincts serves you right when she said you can start using your instagram.  

To answer your question. It's not calculated, it's a matter of her daily survival. She lacks a stable sense of sense of self and has an acute fear of being alone.