BPDFamily.com

Foreword:

My exploration into why I would WANT to date someone who clearly verbally and emotionally abused me (BPD or otherwise) has led me to some surprising theories.

Finally, I feel the F.O.G is starting to lift. My concerns are less and less about her, and more about ME. I'm going to delve deeply into the 'Self-Inquiry' phase, I find it is really helping! So that is where this thread is coming from. Today is day 54 of no contact! Another day down!

Background about me (You can skip this bit if you just want to answer the questions)

As a kid, I was always a little too mature in thought for my age. Without trying to garner pity, or sound arrogant, I want to just be blunt and short. I have around a 140 IQ. Am I some sort of genius? NO. I have always just been more mature than the kids around me. I'm so glad I'm in college now. I was bullied and ostracized during 4th grade-7th grade by both the adults and kids around me (Again, NO PITY!). Over time, I lost trust for teachers, I hated (and still do) hate the word 'adult', because I feel like it was always used to just shut me up. I started to shut down my really negative emotions. I mean, if I didn't block something out, I don't know what would have happened to me.

The Point (Again, skip to questions if you want)

I believe that I was addicted to my ex. Just like I was addicted to gambling. There were MANY times that I believe I felt real, genuinely love for her. Don't get that wrong. I STILL genuinely care about her, even after this 54 days of dead silence. Why was I addicted to my ex? How could I sustain what was clear, unmistakable verbal abuse (over text), and emotional abuse? Because my ex made me feel REAL emotions. For so long, I hadn't felt the real sting of hurt. I didn't know how to.  My experiences in childhood could have been a movie about bullying (again, no pity, but it was that bad). I was addicted to feeling REAL pain, real hurt. I also was addicted to the feeling of REAL elation, real joy, intense happiness. Because I believe that if you can't feel real pain, real hurt, you can't feel real elation either. This is why even when I should have step back, and said "I don't deserve this," or at least taken a timeout from the abuse (Goodnight, ex, I'm tired, for example) I didn't. She had broken down strong emotional barriers I had erected years before.

Questions:

1. Do you believe that my theory could be right in my case (if you read that bit)

2. Is is true that if you setup barriers from feeling real hurt,pain,loss,grief, etc. Than you also sub-consciously make it impossible, if not at least difficult, to feel real elation, joy, satisfaction?

3. Do any of you have a story or a background that relates to me?

4. Do people with BPD also suppress emotions? Similar how I did in childhood? How does that work in that disorder? My ex actually once told me to just "let it all out, just cry cry away when you feel the pain". So I'm not sure how this ties in with BPD.

Note

I appreciate everyone who reads/responds to my threads. I feel like I'm finally making real progress.

Thanks all.

PwBPD can suppress emotions. There are many maladaptive coping mechanisms used by pwBPD to suppress/repress their emotions such as avoidance, withdraw, shutting down, splitting, projection, and dissociation.

Also, there can be a tendency for pwBPD to "overcontrol" their emotions. Many times "over controlling" emotions, or not showing emotion, is learned in childhood from caretakers who invalidate the pwBPD's emotions, inadequately coach a pwBPD's emotions, and have negative reinforcement of aversive emotional expression. Essentially, a pwBPD learns that expression of negative emotions are bad or wrong and that behavior is repeated throughout time and reinforced. 

I believe my ex did this sometimes. But not always. Her advice to me was to always just let myself cry and feel the hurt, she said it was always what made her feel better.

We are all here, because we carry childhood issues with us. And we tend to get addicted to a person with a Cluster-B-PD, because they can sense this issues and give us all we ever wanted in the idealisation phase. I think, it's something similar with other addictions. Gaming, alcohol, drugs - all this makes us feel better, it distracts us from our pain. In some way we are not so different form our partners with NPD/HPD/BPD. But we are programmed as givers, not as takers. While the Cluster-B's are all programmed to do everything, to make them selves feel good, we are programmed to make others feel good, especially our romantic partners.

May I ask you a question? How is your relationship with your parents?

Appreciate you asking. My relationship is very good with my parents. They're happily married going on 25 years.

We are all here, because we carry childhood issues with us. And we tend to get addicted to a person with a Cluster-B-PD, because they can sense this issues and give us all we ever wanted in the idealisation phase. I think, it's something similar with other addictions. Gaming, alcohol, drugs - all this makes us feel better, it distracts us from our pain. In some way we are not so different form our partners with NPD/HPD/BPD. But we are programmed as givers, not as takers. While the Cluster-B's are all programmed to do everything, to make them selves feel good, we are programmed to make others feel good, especially our romantic partners. [/quote]
This makes sense to me

Well, there is a reason, why I asked this question. I was also bullied in school. The daughter of my uBPDex is bullied in school. There's always a reason, when you are the one, that is bullied. You show some signs of vulnerability. And when you are a child, the reason for this vulnerability is not your ex-partner or your boss. When the reason is your parents ore one of them, it's hard to get out the FOG. I lived 45 years in the FOG. 

Some people have FOO issues.

Some people were going through a difficult life event; divorce comes to mind.

Some people don't have childhood issues.

Different scenarios and not all have issues stemming from FOO.

Bullying is hard on the esteem. I'm sorry you had to go through that.