BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Firstly - I am really pleased to have found this site. Reading through everyone's posts has made me feel significantly less isolated... .and well, frankly like I am not going crazy.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years. He has always been erratic (to put it mildly) - I thought for the first 3 years that it was because he was under enormous stress with the business we ran together. When the business shut last summer, the erratic, abusive, volatile behaviour didn't.

I have been trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together for a while now, and it was only a few days ago i stumbled across the criteria of BPD - he has it -  I have absolutely no doubt. [although, of course, i am acutely aware that i am not a medical professional, and have no place going around diagnosing anyone else] It fits his behaviour so perfectly - that it actually feels like a relief - at least we can put a name to it now. Bi-polar never quite fitted, nor did just depression, but BPD is like a cinderella slipper fit.

Right now, I have been away from my boyfriend for a few days staying with my family. My grandma is in hospital and i have been with her every day. Tomorrow i have to take my dad to a funeral of one of his friends and then my sister has a serious hospital appointment. And right now I am currently really sick - my doctors think i have a brain tumour. ( i am undergoing lots and lots of tests) 

I've just spoken to my boyfriend, who thinks it is outrageous that I have gone away and abandoned him when he needs me most. He cannot see that my life outside of our relationship is currently more in need of my attention. We were talking on the phone  just now and he just hung up on me - saying that he would see me when i decided to take responsibility for the things happening at home (i.e. with him)

I have been running back to him for the last 4 years, every time he feels suicidal or depressed - when i am away, he says he loves me and misses me and needs me. When i get back, he can't stand the sight of me. It is so exhausting and ultimately really upsetting.

When i was last at home with him, i called or visited the samaritans every day. His behaviour was so extreme - totally loving one second, and volatile, and abusive the next. But he never see's it as being abusive - he thinks that it is my fault - because I do things that upset him and if i didn't act in xyz... .way, then it wouldn't make him mad. Of course, the things that make him mad change from one micro second to the next, so it's quite hard to keep track of .


I need a better way to handle this situation with him. Is this going to get any better? Is it completely unrealistic to think that he might see that i am in need of some support from my boyfriend? Is it ever possible to have an emotionally balanced/equally relationship with someone who has BPD?

Thanks in advance for any replies... .and for taking the time to read this - I genuinely really appreciate it xxx

Hello, Sagan & *welcome*

I'm really sorry for all the confusion and stress you are going through with your boyfriend... .But you have found the right place for the answers you are looking for; all of the members of this Board are familiar with some (if not all!) of the things that are troubling you, and there is a wealth of information here in the member threads and all of the links to the right-hand side of this page. But you probably already know that 


This is concerning to me... .When you say he is "abusive" are you talking about verbally, emotionally and/or physically? Are you ever worried about your safety actually? If so, I have a couple of links I'd like to encourage you to read: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0) and Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf). We would like to know more about this aspect of your relationship, Sagan, so we can help 




We do have information on how to find a better way to handle your relationship with your boyfriend, and there are ways to make things better. It's not completely unrealistic to think that, eventually, he might see that you are in need of some support from him, and it is possible to have a somewhat emotionally balanced/equal relationship with someone with BPD... .

Of course, there are all sorts of caveats involved with all of that: Would he ever acknowledge that he has a problem, and would he seek and complete Therapy? If you learn the proper communication tools and techniques to learn how to communicate with him better, would he respond in a positive manner? If, the more you learn about his troubles and where they come from and how his mind works, will that in turn spark a difference in the way you understand and deal with him... .And will that difference cause him to change the way he reacts to, and deals with, you?

We have some really educational and interesting Feature Articles (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols) that will give you more information that will be very eye-opening and helpful for you, and I'd really recommend that you check them out... .Some of the titles are: What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship, Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy,Why We Struggle in Our Relationships, Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?, and all of them are really helpful. (They are also found under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page)

I am really sorry that your family has so many sad issues going on right now, and so very sorry for your own health issues... .I know that at a time like this, the last thing you need is a boyfriend who is giving you a hard time about taking this time for yourself, and hope that we can help you through all of this, Sagan