BPDFamily.com

So I'm a long time out of my BPD / NPD relationship and need to acknowledge an ongoing feeling of emptiness or flatness

Some great things are going on in my life but it's almost as if the yardstick on happiness (or other positive emotions) have been narrowed.

Anyone else have this?

It's almost like all of my senses have been dulled and I can't quite reach or sustain those highs anymore

Be it hyper-vigilance, wariness, self-doubt, caution, or scars... .I just don't go through life with the same confidence, or self-assurance anymore

I think fear still sits at the core of any encounter with people and I am en guarde for abuse or an unkind word.

All of that being said, I am so grateful for this experience and feel very mature and awake for the first time.

Just quietly hoping that fearless, fun-loving stuff comes back one day

thougths?

BB12

how long have you been out and how long were you in for?

Hi bb12,

I'm sorry that you are feeling "empty."

Is that something you can fix with a bit of alteration to your perception?

Can you instead feel calm?  Or feel at peace?

Maybe you need to find and discover some inner passion or interest that you haven't tried?

Well, I am not feeling empty, but I'll confess to the opposite maybe.  I am finding myself keeping myself feeling lively by creating anxiety.  I procrastinate things and am beginning to suspect that I am finding the thrill and stress of that to be a substitute for the excitement I miss. 

I need to find balance.  First I guess, I need to learn better to just be ok with me.  I need to feel content being ok and at peace with me.

Hey

I was in my r/ship for 2 years

Been out of it for just over 3

You may be onto something SunflOwer. Might just be some reframing that is going on.

Perhaps I feel things less acutely because I am actually calmer, less sensitised. On the up side I don't feel stressed any more.

so maybe all emotions have leveled out - good and bad.

Maybe I am closer to authentic self - and that's a different kind of feeling to the manic ups and downs I have known previously?

 |iiii

Google mindfulness?

i've just started on the moodgym exercises from a link on this site. i remember something similar from some books in the past that i found very helpful for mood improving. it might help you too? free exercises to help with moods, self esteem, depression(mild) and just general good mental health.

thanks tjay

|iiii

Part of the BPD experience that shook me the most was this feeling that everything I had thought about life and love no longer appeared to be true.  And as much as I grieved the relationship, I also realized later that I had been grieving the death of my reality, my beliefs.  I was shaken to the core.

I too experienced that dullness, that flatness, for a time.  I realized the only way out was to use this experience to propel myself towards a new reality.  A better reality.  A more truthful reality. I read a lot of books, questioned a lot of my views about life and love.  Worked on myself, set new goals, took up new passions. Became the man I was meant to be.  The one that I wasn't quite before, because I had been living in illusions.  It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one.  I took the red pill, and came out on the other side.

In the end, I found the vividness of life came from within.  

I went through a blah period a while ago too.  It took a while to process, but I eventually got honest and discovered I had been focusing on the past, and getting stuck in a timeframe is a sure way to feel blah.  It's the standard story: I left her, felt awful, discovered and learned about the disorder here and elsewhere, eventually accepted her the way she is and the end of the relationship, started focusing on me, digging deep, confused, searching, all of it focused on the past and lots of deep introspection.  I needed to do that, but once I was through, then what?  Stuck in the past.  What changed for me was to create a compelling future, something to look forward to, a direction to move, goals to achieve, a life of my dreams to build.  These things may be more important to men than women, but they're critical for men; happiness is created by progress.  Hope can be a powerless place; a compelling future is one we create, starting with a vision, dreams and goals, either that or we just stumble on the life of our dreams, which ain't gonna happen.  So I'm inspired today, and that was the answer, the solution to blah; focus on the future, live in the present, take the lessons of the past with me, just don't live there.

I can see relate to what your saying.  That space your are occupying is a very valid important part of your life existance.  Finding comfort in that space by accepting it is how you grow and mature.  It's like growing pains accept sometimes it stops having the sharpness of pain and just uncertainty and boring uncomfortableness.  The point of meditation is to find these places in yourself and experience the discomfort of them to really know yourself.  Masking it is merely running away from yourself.

I can relate: My job is going great and all other things in my life are just fantastic. I have finally achieved some of the goals in life that I wanted. This is the life that I wanted to share with my exBPDfiance and cannot. Though I would not consider myself to be depressed at all, all of these things just seem somewhat meaningless, trivial. Its difficult to describe but its there and not like it ever was in my life.

Thanks FHTH. What an honour to be your 3000th post!

Your counsel has been incredible for me over the past couple of years and today's is no exception.

I suspect you're right and that despite no longer being in that raw pain, I am stuck in the past: analyzing, learning, avoiding, healing. But as important and necessary as each of these elements is, none are inspiring. I was just reviewing the stages of grief and abandonment and the final one is LIFTING. I suspect your advice about the future and goals and planning all fit in there. I forgot to lift! LOL

Will seek to do so starting... .now ; )

thanks

BB12

WOW Copper Fox,

You've described my feelings exactly... .it's the destruction of my foundations, my thinking about life and love that I have relied on thus far and it's worked... .to a degree, but this BPD experience shattered all of that  so I gotta start again!

You're welcome bb, and I'm happy you've gotten some value out of me finding my way.  3000 posts!  Yikes!  And tomorrow will be 2 years since I got here, what a long, strange trip it's been!


Yes, they are important.  A friend of mine says we either party or we ponder, and when life shows up in such a way that we are set back on our heels, we ponder for a while to find new meanings, gain new distinctions, and grow, then off to the life of our dreams again, maybe a little tweaked since we grew during the pondering.  And yes, the last piece is to realize when the lessons have been learned and it's time to focus on a bright future and live there again, back to the party!


Lift away, and good for you!  We look forward to updates... .

Hey bb12, Sure, I can relate to that feeling.  When I first separated from my BPDxW, I described myself as having "nothing left in the tank," which is to say, on empty.


I think the key, as you suggest, is getting back to your authentic self, which is easier said than done.  It's common to get blown off course by the BPD tornado.  As you find your path again, I think you will notice that emptiness starting to dissipate.  Pay attention to your gut feelings and try to notice the things/people with whom you connect.

LuckyJim

Sounds like something you would say about being in jail  lol

As for me, I was in over 20 years, and the BPD was mild/hidden for the first decade, and (at least the abusive part) was cured/gone for the last couple years. The end didn't follow any normal pattern--We physically separated 5 months ago, not for relationship reasons, then the relationship blew up immediately after. The 'end' happened in stages, three months ago, one month ago, and two weeks ago. It is feeling pretty over now.


Anyhow... .I'm in a very different timeline than you are in, and just this last couple of days I was feeling emptyness again myself.  I've been embracing my new status (separated, not married) more in my mind... .and still feeling weird about it. This morning I felt like I was grieving it still, and going through a new round back at Denial--this separation thing feels unreal to me right now. Weird.

My other observation about the emptyness comes from my mindfulness meditation / training:

You can shut down your feelings and not experience them. Or you can open up and feel them. Some people are either wide open or completely shut. Other people can open the door partway. (I tend to open slowly, instead of opening wide, getting hurt, then slamming shut again. You may be different.) Your style is doesn't matter. What does matter is how opening up to feelings works... .

It is IMPOSSIBLE to open up for positive feelings (love, excitement, joy, etc.) and at the same time, close down so you don't experience bad feelings (grief, loneliness, anger, etc.) When you are open, they all come in. When you are closed, you shut them all out. Much of mindfulness training is to build your capacity to feel the uncomfortable negative feelings so you can stay open in the face of them, and also get the positive feelings. There is *NOTHING* easy about this. Keep working on it, and stay with your feelings when you can.

If all you are feeling is empty... .try to really acknowledge and feel the emptyness. I've found at least my fair share of it. I've found things under it, like feelings of fear that I'm defective, and incapable of having feelings at all.

hey gk-if the shoe fits  lol lol

Me too.  And this is the interesting part:  I've also come to realize that they're core beliefs and realities that came from my FOO.  Not that that makes them bad, it's just that they're... .unexamined.  Until now.

Exactly.  Pain is a good motivator, and the digging and growth that result end up being the gift of the relationship.  Everything happens for a reason.