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My uBPDbf's father is elderly, late 80's with stage 5 Alzheimer's. About 2 weeks ago he had a hernia and was hospitalized, the hernia was fixed without surgery.  His father needed to go to a nursing facility because his mother in early 80's couldn't take care of him with a catheter.

I have been supportive, asked my bf "Is there anything you need?", when his moms phone/cable got messed up stepped in and made the calls/contacts to fix it.  He works full time and at about 1:00 takes his mom to the facility and then stays until 6:00. (I have offered to drive her, but I can't stay for 5 hrs. (I work full time & have a D9 from my previous marriage).  I haven't asked anything of him.  

He snaps at me constantly. I've stated you don't need to snap, talk down to me. Then he goes on about "how I'm not there for him., how I'm cold., he even stated to me that I think his family is insignificant because it is smaller than mine. - which I have never, ever said or even thought.  I told him I am sorry this is going on with your dad, I understand you are frustrated with the facility, etc.  You need to stop using me as your target.  

I completely understand that all this is a lot for him, BUT that doesn't justify being MEAN & NASTY to me.  My bf thinks I should just understand and accept it.  

What he wants is me to "take over" and I refuse to and I'm not her child.  He is completely being over demanding on the "obligation" part of our relationship.  

I will help (make meals for mom, get groceries, drive to drop he off/pick her up, I even done research about the facility, etc., but I refuse to "sit there for 5 hrs. in the facility" I really don't think he should either, but it's all part of his "I'm a hero/rescuer" persona of BPD.  

I was also told I don't care am not there because I didn't go out this weekend (2 nights drunk) because it was my D9's weekend with me.  I offered to come to a family sports restaurant the one night, he didn't answer (even though that is where he went), because it wasn't what HE WANTED... .

I'm just trying to manage living without the raging.

Hey there, sorry you are going through this. When he says you are cold, are you offering affection/warmth I.e a hug or hand hold? Is there a compromise where the visit  is 2 hours and not 5? 

can you/he drop off and/or pickup later so you wouldn't have to stay the full time?

I have given hugs, asked if needed anything, done a household chore for him, etc. I've gone on the weekend and/or offered to go. Those things don't count aren't remebered. I realize he is frustrated and he is doing whatever to paint me black. It is hard d to continue to be supportive and understanding when you are attacked.

I have offered that and he always giv s me an excuse or says "he'll take care of it."

You can't accuse me of not helping if I offer and you refuse.

Have you discussed other options like going to the facility once a week, or his mum moving into facility or with you guys. Going everyday is not sustainable

His mother would never leave her home.  She even wants his father to return after the catheter, even with stage 5 alzheimers. My bf is not very demanding/take control of his mother.

Although there was a bit of a setback yesterday.  He father was not very responsive, so they took him to the hospital.  After 8hrs in the ER they believe he had a heartattack and has pneumonia, more info given today.  So saying prayers.

My bf did texted me and apologized for being "difficult to live with."  I do believe that sometimes the BPD sees how they act and behave, but unfortunately it still continues and cycles.  I think what sticks the most is that he said "I'm cold and I should just understand and accept how he was acting."