BPDFamily.com

I've been away from this forum for awhile now. Missed you all :) I've been in consistent therapy (2 times a week) for the past 10 months and have maintained total NC throughout. This and BPD family and it's members have helped me tremendously in moving on from the abusive relationship / marriage with BPDxw. Thank you for all your support.

I received the email posted below today. What I am surprised of is how I'm barely triggered after reading it. All that has come up emotionally is a bit of anger and disgust.

The projection is outrageous. I just heard, for the first time, about a friend spotting my xw with the replacement. The replacement is the person she said she didn't leave me for and wasn't involved with during our marriage. They were spotted in a store and from what I was told she was all over him. I know that my xw knows the person that spotted them together. So I feel xw put on a show for them. Anyway, I wasn't triggered after hearing of this public spotting. It wasn't like I didn't pretty much know for certain that they were/would still be together.

Here's the email. Would like to get feed back. And no worries, I'm definitely not responding. 

Dear RisingSun,

We haven't spoken in almost 10 months. Ive been respectful of you needing no contact and it's been good for me too while I process the end of our marriage and relationship.  I would have preferred to stay in touch, finding resolution in our working through the unravelling together.  And I think there would be benefit to us connecting at this point in time. At least, for me there would be, I think. If you're willing, as you move on to another place, I'd like to meet with you?  I know you experience the divorce and all that happened as a huge betrayal and that you feel (or have felt) very entitled to me and everything I offered to you. And I've felt really angry over the ways you treated me as a result of that through the years.  I've recognized my anger towards you stemmed from not being heard or loved in some ways i fundamentally needed.  Still, I miss things about our life together. And I miss you as a person. There's really too much to say.  If you haven't yet, I know you will love a woman one day in a way that will make you realize why I couldn't tolerate the reserved, half-love you gave me. Im sure this all probably looks different from your perspective. 

I would appreciate you not mentioning anything to S.K (close friend and business partner), as I've felt her judgment as a very crude and sharp, despite her lack of interest in hearing anything from my POV, and her assertions to remain 'neutral'... .which was total bulls!t.  One of the great things I've learned from all of this is not to judge another person for their decisions, for truly we can't see into their situation.

I want you to know that Im moving ahead with my life and I feel like I'm able to honor myself now in ways i could not previously, largely in relation to you.  If you truly did/ do love me, I'd think you would be happy that Im able to find greater love in myself, despite how you feel.

Anyway, it's too much for email, but if you are willing, I'd like to find time for us to meet while Im in city soon. 

i do wish you peace. and so much love



   

good for you. shows how much you've grown with the therapy and hard work on your part. good job.  |iiii

This email is all about her and how you were the problem... .typical BPD. Good for you not being triggered. That is what she is hoping for. She is fishing to see what you are  up to and if you have someone in your life. Delete and keep moving forward.

It's funny - she started the e-mail pretty well.  She even asked respectfully to meet.  And that was about as far as she got before she felt the need to remind you of the way that you loved her and how poorly you treated her.  And how much better she is doing.  And you are right, it is pretty disgusting.  I'm happy for you in that you were not triggered by this.  And kudos for staying NC for 10 months.  

It's hard to know how to respond... .only you know all the ins and outs of your r/s.  What I will tell you is this:  my ex also said that she didn't feel "heard" in our r/s... .and I swear I've never listened so hard (or tried so hard) with anyone in my life.

I think that their refrain (about being "unheard" is an echo from the past... .that it doesn't really have anything to do with us at all.  

Going NC 10 months ago was to prepare me for this kind of ridiculous display of projection and baiting. I knew this would be coming my way.

Thanks to everyone here sharing their experiences, I knew what to look out for and what to expect. This email came to me like clockwork and in typical BPD fashion.

It's almost comical at this point. There's no struggle on my part to keep from responding. I feel totally out of the FOG.

A whole lot of "I"s... .but for somebody who is missing you and haven't heard anything from in 10 months... .not are single "how are you?"... .But of course an ever present - "You will love another woman". I think they all went to the same school of writing this kind of a BS... .

ohhhhhh that's scary. maybe there's a school out there somewhere that teaches them how to treat us and how to get what they want? imagine if they actually got together like we do but with the agenda of figuring out how to "one up" us more effectively. we'd all be in trouble then, wouldn't we?

lol lol lol lol

So was it your business partner/friend who saw them? Not clear on that. But there seems to be a lot of push/pull going on there. If my ex sent me an email telling me she had met someone and was happier in her life now, I'm pretty sure I would go ballistic on her and then file the law suit against her I've contemplated doing because of the extremely large amount of money I loaned and gave her. I probably wouldn't win the money, but I would embarrass the crap out of her in the process.

It's clear she has some sort of intentions, but giving not too veiled insults doesn't make her an enticing person for sure! And it also is weird that she seems to be trying to control you by telling you who not to talk to about her. It's a shame what she didn't learn in this is that seems, at least from reading this, that she is a jerk.

Nah, we wouldn't be. They would just sit there and talk about themselves all the time, no matter what the agenda says... .  :)

ya, wouldn't you like to be a fly on that wall?  lol lol

I agree with everyone else... .its all your fault... .incredible that anyone that insists that they are on a mission of forgiveness and understand would lob as many potshots at the target for 'peace'. To me its a foreshadowing of the mindscrew that you would be getting if you DID speak/meet with her.

These types of pwBPD communications are all the same: in general the body of these communications consist of blameing the Non for the demise of the relationship and then boasting about how wonderful their life is now, post breakup. The agenda is set for the meeting!

Since I went strict NC in early February I've been getting one of these types of communications via text message about every 7-10 days. It's always the same flow: projecting --> blaming --> boasting --> goodbye.

She sounds very selfish in this email. Anyone that brags about how happy they are with someone else usually isn't. She wants to make sure you are still there for her. She is bossing you around and then expecting you to want to meet with her. For what?

She says she misses you. Well, she is in love, she is happy, she is doing what she wanted. What does she need to meet with you for?

It's great n/c for 10 months! That is a lot of work. Great job.

So another thing struck me as interesting here, someone who left you and has been living her happiest life knows exactly how long it's been since you've spoken last. I find it interesting because if I had left and we hadn't spoken, I wouldn't open with the exact amount of time. I'd say something along the lines of "it's been quite a while," or "it's been a long time." If I'm happy in my life I wouldn't be counting the amount of time it's been since we last spoke, UNLESS I had been counting the amount of time it's been since we last spoke. This in my mind leads me to think that she has been thinking of you all along.

I say only because there have been women who I've been in relationships with who, when the next time I spoke with them after we had parted never gave me the exact amount of time it had been since last we spoke. Never.

Interestingly, my uBPDexgf, when she broke up with me last summer started her typed "departure/breakup" note with "it's been two months since we last spoke... ." Just my thought. I could be way off base though.

My 2 cents:

It's great that you were not or barely triggered by this e-mail.  This is an example of the "all about them" attitude.   

Honestly:  Delete the e-mail.  Don't give it another thought.  It's time to be done with the bs.

Then, and only then can you truly live in peace.

Kindest regards,

rg

Risingsun, I think what is being missed here is that by asking you to meet, she is proving that nothing has changed, as we all worry about. That she is putting her "new man" through the same sh&^ they put us all through. Inappropriate contact etc.

It is a common thought on this board "will they suddenly become happy after us and find perfect love? "will the replacement or whomever ends up next, suddenly not have to deal with all of the things that made our relationships so hard with our exBPD's?"

The answer is here. Nothing changes. They did this to us and they will do it to the next guy.

Any money, that the current guy is stressed and walking on eggshells every day. I am three months out, with a recent 2 day recycle that I cut short because I caught her lying, and while the wounds are still fresh, I thank the stars above that I am done, out of it. There was a time where I never thought I would say this.

No, I think you should respond with " I am pleased to hear how happy you are. I feel the same way. I don't think that our meeting would be appropriate, as you are in a relationship. I hope that your life continues to find nothing but happiness. Regards,"

Couldn't agree more with this. Ignore and carry on - thanks

for sharing - you are an inspiration

Rising Sun...

I agree with everyone else!  This email is all about her, and how you are "less than" and "the problem".  She has also picked this moment to contact you because in her sick world she feels in a place of power as she assumes that you are well aware that she is with the new supply that she acted out with in front of a friend of yours. (My ex did the same thing in front of ME repeatedly with the new supply that she had cheated on me and run off with. What is this with BPD's... .are they all in 7th grade?).  Your ex also alludes to the fact that she is out on her own and her life is better. She is in total denial that she latched on to the new supply while she was with you and ran off to be in a new relationship and used that to detach from you. My BPD did exactly this and initially kept telling me that being on her own was really good for her? She was not on her own for a nano second?  She was emeshesd in another dysfunctional dance before she left our home, therefore obtaining none of the self healing, and rebuilding a life for oneself and getting in touch with who you are that being on your own is such a valuable growth experience in life. They never want to find out who they are because they are so shameful from their youth traumas I believe.  You on the other hand have done exactly the opposite... .which IMHO is so much more healthy in the long run of life.

I just do not understand why they want to hurt and degrade us so much. I was a good person in my ex's life... .and I was provided with the same derisive nonsense that is in your letter and my ex also sickly thought that I would want to get together with her after she delivered "terms" like yours has there? I would have none of it and kept NC and took care of me. I was also in intensive therapy and surrounded by support, and changing.  That contact confirms for you how very sick, and in denial that she is and your rebuff speaks to your change and mental healthiness.  Bravo for you for being courageous and getting into intense therapy and taking a look at you! You have changed and are not reacting to her (now) obvious gas lighting.

I know that none of this is easy... but consider this an acid test of all the hard work you have been doing on you.

I am happy for you and your growth!   Hearing your similar struggle helps to confirms the changes I have made... .because, even with all the accomplishments I have made I sometimes still miss my ex.and your situation allows me to know that I am not alone and that others like you have been through similar life experiences.  Thanks for sharing your life with us... .

Exactly what I was thinking - and why I am not bothered by not hearing from my ex except for things regarding D3.

I know she has been telling her family how horrible I am and how she is the only one that knows the "real me" - funny, I hadn't felt like the real me in so long I forgot what it felt like till after she left.

Wow - just wow! I heard all that and a whole lot more while in the relationship. It's like they follow the same script. So glad it didn't trigger you. It looks like you have done some great work on yourself. Well done.