BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

I was reading a thread earlier today about whether or not a pwBPD ruminates about people/relationships as Non's do. There was a post on the thread from a member that had witnessed sever anger in their respective BPDexSO when he (pwBPD) ruminated about ex's.

My BPDexgf did this. It was scary... .pure rage/fury. She wished people dead or severely harmed. It was one of the ugliest things I have ever had the displeasure of seeing/experiencing another human being do.

I am curious as to how common this is in the BPD community. Thank you for any comments/experiences that you share.

I hadn't thought about it in the context you just presented it, but my uBPDexgf hated her exH so much that she would tell me that I had saved her from him. She said if she hadn't met me he would probably be dead, and she would be in jail. And this was 10 years after they had been divorced and she wanted the divorce. He didn't leave her! She was serious too.

What I can't figure out is how she has managed to curb her hatred for the exH in front of whomever she is with now. She was even ordered to couples' counseling with the ex. After 10 years of divorce! There can be no way she's enjoying that because she cannot stand his presence at all. So if she's faking how she feels in front of the new guy, I'm guessing she's beating the crap out of something somewhere else.

Very interesting.  I recall how my uBPDexw painted her ex boyfriend black. She would not even give him an iota of respect or compassion.  In fact, he attempted suicide after split and devalued him.  Talk about bleaching red flags white? 

I think y'all have helped me to answer my own question of how my ex may be coping about her exH. She is probably still venting in the same way to the new person. It stands to reason: she vented about him to me, yours vented about theirs and didn't seem to cover up their feelings or even bother to mask their disdain. How did you feel the first time you saw it? How did you feel over time?

I thought at first my ex was right about him, but over time it seemed harsh considering the things she accused him of weren't as bad as she made them out to be. The fact that she hated him more 10 yrs after their divorce seemed to indicate she was someone who carried a grudge, couldn't let something go, and did not know how to forgive even tho she attended church very regularly.

A note: my ex and I are women. We were not out to any of her family or friends though all if mine knew about us. She has gone back into the closet after 10 yrs, and I am very sure she has not told whomever she has been involved with that she left a long-term lesbian relationship. If she is venting about me, she has changed her pronoun and made me a he. I don't think she could get away with that for a lengthy time. She'd surely slip up in such a lie as that. Plus I know she hates her exH more than ever.

Thanks everyone for your replies/comments.

Shadow,

"How did you feel the first time you saw it? How did you feel over time?"

What I saw was not anger or hatred; it was rage. I recognized it instinctively, primaly. I saw it on her face and heard it in her voice. It was scary! (That is an understatement.) I found that my fight or flight defenses were activated... .adrenaline dumped, skin flushed, heart rate increased, breathing increased, etc. I found myself unconscientiously moving away from her. Because the fight or flight system is not under conscience control, yet was activated, I knew  that what i was seeing/experiencing was not simply anger or hatred. Her rage was not directed at me, but my primal system still recognized it as dangerous.

It wasn't until later, "over time", and away from her that I was able to comprehend what I had just seen/experienced. It was disgusting. An adult human being wishing another dead? An adult human being wishing another beaten to within an inch of their life? What kind of a person has these thoughts? This happening years after she had been divorced from this man? There is no doubt in my mind that she would have indeed tried to harm (possibly kill) the ex husband that she was raging about if he would have been there.

Shadow, like yours, my BPDexgf was/is a Christian churchgoer. I too am a Christian churchgoer. I almost recited a few passages of Scripture to her regarding her behavior: Love your neighbor as you love yourself... .Pray for your enemy... .If your enemy hungers, feed him. If he thirsts, give him drink. etc. It was a missed opportunity. I am not sure if my mouth would have worked at the time.

Now here's my stupidity in all of this: I laid down beside this woman... .and slept.

I never feared for myself when I slept next to her. She didn't even strike me as a violent person, but you are correct, she wasn't angry about him, she was enraged. I understood it early in our relationship when they first divorced, and at one time she was moving toward a place of peace about him. But over time it had gotten worse. I guess by that point we had been together so long her outbursts about him didn't faze me. That was my mistake. Maybe I was afraid to ask her why he set her off so much because she might light into me!

I can relate to that, apollotech. My ex had rages with homicidal ideation directed at her mother, still creeps me when recalling it.

Disgusting? I would rather say it is an extremely sad way to exist, well deserve our compassion.