BPDFamily.com

I have a 32 year old daughter with BPD. She is highly dysfunctional and emotional.  I am very interested in how to communicate with her in a way that is not destructive.  I love her very much.  She has been in and out of jail quite a bit and is now on Intensive Supervised Probation.  She has very bad relationships.  I wish she would get help, but she doesn't stick with anything long enough to get help.  It causes a lot of stress between my husband and I because she lives with us.  Any guidance would be appreciated.

Hello, sandylloyd220 & *welcome*

I'm so sorry for the troubles you have been having with your daughter, but you have come to the right place for guidance 

We do have all of the information you need in order to understand your daughter better, and to learn how to communicate with her in ways that can soothe her, and make things better in your family. When you click on the links to the right-hand side of this page, you will find the TOOLS and THE LESSONS which--if you follow them in order, actually, which is the best way--will give you many insights and tips into finding some light at the end of this dark tunnel that you are in.

We know what you are going through, and all of us on this Board know just what you are feeling... .You are not alone, sandylloyd220. We have all been there (or are there now), and we want to help you 

sandylloyd220   

Welcome. Rapt Reader is so right about others parents here sharing similar experiences. It is hard when they live in our home as adult kids. The legal system is often the last resort 'treatment center' available to our low functioning BPD kids. Their choices get them there, and they are accountable for those choices even with the mental health issues. The value of loving your D, no matter what, is immense. And figuring out your personal boundaries along with validation skills and communication skills will hopefully make things shift in a better direction. Be patient, with yourself and your D. Change is possible.

My BPDDD28 spent the last year in jail. The court ordered some really good dual-dx programs for her - both outpatient (like the ISP your daughter has) and inpatient. She bailed out of all of them. They finally revoked her probation and she ended up on 6 months straight jail. They were pretty much done with all other options. She has only misdemeanors -- minor assault, shoplifting, many probation violations and no-contact violations.

The good part is things got worse after her release, and I was able to stay out of the way of this. Drug use and violation of landlord rules with being asked to leave premises or face eviction. She has spent time homeless or couch surfing when she could not follow our simple house rules. [no yelling, no bad words, no physical contact in anger -- as stated by gd9, her daughter that has always lived with my dh and I] Things got really dangerously violent at her 'couch surf' location and we allowed her to come home. She was very ill. Her bf was allowed to come with her and he has done a great job of caring for her, sheltering us from her anger, being honest with me that she is suffering withdrawal from meth binges. He is also doing lots of chores in exchange for being in our home. Dishes, cooking, buying food for himself and DD, and now starting to do yard work. He is very appreciative to be living here for now.

I feel good about this situation, as long as they are following the rules in reasonable way. My gd9 and dh are more impatient for them to leave. It is just more crowded, less privacy for all 5 of us, less time for me with gd and dh... .I am in therapy and a support group for my own issues, practice as many of the tools from here as possible (supported in my therapy as well), and working with gd's T in processing her anxieties and attention problems. Gd is really working in her therapy and it is OK for her to be doing this with her mom.

I hope this part of my story is helpful for you. Things can get better - with your D and with your dh. Keep coming back to let us know how it is going.

qcr

Welcome Sandylloyd220.

Let me introduce myself, I am tristesse  ( which simply means, SADNESS ). I also have a 32 year old BPD daughter living in my home. There have been issues between my husband and I also because of this child. Like you, I am totally committed, I  love my girl, even when I hate everything about her.

bpdfamily has been a great help. I have learned about validation, something I thought I was doing before, but I wasn't. I learned about boundaries and enforcing them, again, I though I had been doing it correctly. I learned a better way to communicate, and MOST OF ALL, I LEARNED THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE.

My daughter does not stay with any program long enough to get help either, and she has a son, turning 6 next week, so we also have a little one to deal with. He is a pleasure though.

I want to encourage you to continue posting and sharing your story and experiences, the amount of advice and encouragement you will get is mindblowing. The number of parents who can relate, are staggering, but this site has saved my sanity, and my marriage.

Read the lessons and tools on the right side if the board, practice practice practice, until it becomes habit.

Hugs to you friend, take care and keep sharing your story.

Hi Sandylloyd220,

How are you doing? Are you and your husband managing ok? Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and let us know how things are going for you.

Have you had a chance to learn about validation? It made a difference when I began using it with my son. I hope you are able to find some peace in your relationship with D32.



LnL