BPDFamily.com

  Well I'm back on the leaving board.  I had to stick my hand or my life back in the fire once again.  And guess what, I was burned worse than before.  It's my own fault.  I have read on here that the recycles get worse and pwBPD don't change, but I had to see for myself.  I get it now. 

I wasn't through with the post.  I hit the wrong button. 

I went back in the relationship more committed to making it work.  I even asked her to marry me.  That's how far in I was.  I kept believing we were closer than we actually were.  I now realize it was fantasy thinking on my part.  This recycle and break up was far worse than the others.  She kept bringing up the past and everything I did wrong.  And I kept trying to convince her that I loved her and I wasn't the same person as before.   I couldn't win.  I know I am not perfect but I also know that at some point the past has to be in the past.  She couldn't live in the present.  It was either the past or the future.  It was very confusing.  Anyway I have blocked all communications with her.  I have reached the point of no return.  Finally.  I will continue with my therapist and work on me.  I don't post a lot but I read a lot of post on here.  I know that I am not alone and many have walked where I am at. 

Well now you know the relationship just isn't for you. Don't be so hard on yourself, as you just took the first step, which is blocking her. It will get better just use the time to heal, let go, detach and focus on your therapy.

Continually bringing up your old faults = kitchen sinking you  :)

What does kitchen sinking mean?

Ok I googled kitchen sinking and yes that's exactly what she did every argument. It was very destructive to my self esteem.  And to our so called relationship.

I've never done it to anyone, but anymore it feels like I could do it. Sadly, at least for me, that is what no closure has created inside of me. Yuck... .

I think there's a difference between "kitchen sinking" someone and dealing with serious, unresolved emotional trauma.

Is that what you're talking about?  Because I can relate - I feel as though if I ever saw my ex and we talked I'd go into "rabid accuser" mode - and that's not really who I want to be.  But there are such high levels of unresolved emotional trauma (extensive lying, repeated cheating, abandonment, etc.) that I feel like it would all just come flying out of my mouth!

Yep, that's me too. So everything, including the kitchen sink!

lol

I actually worry about this if I were ever to run into her. I've been thinking about it for a week or so now.

The thing is, I want to hold onto who I am despite what she's done.  I don't want to be a "rabid accuser" - that's not who I am, and we all know what that looks like.  It's ugly.

I think this fear is a sign that I need to continue to work on my unresolved trauma with my T, and ultimately work it out within myself.  My goal, if I ever were to see her, would be detached compassion. 

Oh - and a healthy dose of "keep my distance" - which is the polar opposite of "kitchen sinking."

This is exactly how I feel! like I would need to verbally attack him to drain all the poison of the abuse. But whats the point. They can't hear it and I can't be bothered. Yuck.