BPDFamily.com

Brother has been in process of divorce from my sis in law who has undiagnosed BPD.  My brother has been living with me for 2 years now along with his kids who just turned 10, he has had primary custody.  Mother is fighting for half custody, neither child wants to live with her or be overnight with her, they don't mind evening visits and every other Saturday.  I really worry for them.knowing the way she is.   She is already messing with my niece trying to twist stories she told the GAL assigned to the case.  Brother has received no child support.  Brother was the " mother " in the relationship my SIL barely did anything in handling the kids always taking care of herself and criticizing everyone else taking care of the kids.  Now all of a sudden she wants to be a mother.  She even beat on my brother in front of the kids not to mention shoving me in anger in front of the kids.  I can't stand seeing her getting more time with the kids and the court not recognizing his role in the kids lives.  My SIL has also spent them into a huge debt and wants to dump most of it on my brother who is a farmer and supplied the supplemental income to the family after having to assume the role as main parent while she advanced in her job making much more money and suffered her mental abuse.  Any advice for dealing with the custody?  This is in Massachusetts.

Hi Me2345,

Welcome to the site, glad you found it. Your niece and nephew, and your brother, are fortunate to have you in their lives, and to care about how they manage having a BPD parent. It's not easy.

It sounds like your brother has had majority time with the kids for two years -- is there a temporary custody order in place, or is this something that sort of happened (maybe SIL did not make efforts to see the kids)? Either way, two years is a solid time to set up the status quo. Judges don't tend to want to see things change for the kids. Or, if they do, there is likely a period of adjustment. For example, the SIL might have to take parenting lessons, or anger management, or substance abuse treatment. Many people with BPD have a hard time regulating their emotions, and find these types of directives difficult, unless they are willing to do the hard work. I'm not BPD, but I found it incredibly difficult to follow court-ordered coparent counseling. It's even harder for pwBPD.

In other words, the burden is on your SIL to make the case that she is capable of handling overnights and getting 50/50. But a lot will depend on whether or not there was a legal agreement in place. She may go to court and claim that your brother prevented her from seeing the kids.

A really helpful book you can get your brother is Splitting by William Eddy, a former social worker turned family law attorney. It's on Amazon, and you can download a digital copy. We also have a pretty good article here about developing an assertive approach to divorce with someone who is a high-conflict personality. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

One of the important lessons I've learned over the years here is that not all BPD sufferers are high-conflict personalities (HCPs). If your SIL has a PD, recruits negative advocates, and turns your brother into a target of blame, she may be an HCP. These are the people who can turn divorce into a nightmare, and it's important to take the assertive approach outlined in that PDF in the article above.

Another thing that might help -- people with BPD have a serious mental illness and a difficult time regulating their emotions. They are often overwhelmed by their feelings, and we witness the chaotic and volatile behavior that goes with this condition. But the feelings are real to them -- with BPD, feelings = facts. Sometimes when kids are involved, we feel afraid of what the pwBPD can do, and the stress and anxiety goes through the roof. It really helps to read about the disorder and understand some of the skills that are necessary to de-escalate conflict. It's hard to get rid of the conflict completely, but it is possible to prevent it from getting worse. I found that the more I understood BPD and could learn skills to help me respond, the less of an emotional roller coaster I was on.

Hopefully the GAL assigned to your case is good. They can be excellent -- like being able to tell when a child has been coached, which is what your SIL was doing. Or they can be awful, easily persuaded. What happens next with the GAL? Are you waiting for a report?

Some people here will get full-blown custody evaluations with psych assessment of both parents in order to get everything on the table. There are different approaches and strategies depending on the level of deception involved and laws in different countries/states. For example, in my state parenting coordinators have extension of judicial duties, other states don't have them at all.

Hope this helps a little bit. Let us know what kind of custody arrangement is in place, and how old the kids are, and maybe why SIL is now filing for custody. These are all details that will determined how things might go for your brother and the kids.

I did that.

Not in Massachusetts and things can be different in different states.

I filed a motion asking for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed - a Ph.D. psychologist who could administer objective psych evals to both parents.  My wife's attorney fought it but I was able to show good reason why it would be best to get that information in front of the court.

The CE administered the MMPI-2 - Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index - to both of us.  (I  asked for that so it would seem fair and balanced.)  Mine came out OK (though it showed some things I needed to work on).  My wife's results showed "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

What I did wrong was, I didn't show evidence that my wife's BPD put the kids at high risk if she got custody - high risk for depression, substance abuse, etc.

We settled for 50/50, and over the years that has morphed toward primary custody for me.  The kids spend most of their time with me, but see her regularly, and they're both doing great - now 16 and 18.

I think it's worth finding out how this stuff works where you live - maybe the same as my state or maybe different - and what it would all cost.  (Our CE cost $5,000, plus $500 apiece for the MMPI-2.)

If your sister-in-law has BPD or some other psychological problem(s), getting that established by means of an objective evaluation like the MMPI-2 could make your brother's position much stronger.

I recall a documentary several years back on children and divorces where one person was quoted saying that the MA family court reputation is that "the one wearing a skirt gets custody".  (PBS video: Kids & Divorce - For Better or Worse (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62268.0))  Hopefully things have improved since then.  Or at least you have enough recent majority parenting time and her poor parenting behaviors documented to get official custody, declared Residential Parent for School Purposes, keep the current high proportion of majority time, or all three.

I recall in my case the temp order stated my ex would have temporary custody, even though she had a Threat of DV case pending against her.  Apparently adult behaviors don't get much attention.  The magistrate's sole question was about our work schedules, I had a history of a regular work schedule, she had a history of majority parenting.  While you can document your spouse's adult behaviors to the court, give the most emphasis to her parenting behaviors, those are more likely to be seen as 'actionable'.

In final decrees many parents here get defaulted to joint custody for the major decisions, a real problem when one parent will never agree or be reasonable.  So if that is something the court is determined to do so parents don't feel 'winners' or 'losers', then try to get "decision-making" or "tie-breaker" in the order.  That way you won't end up back in court as often.  Hopefully.

I think there are a couple of factors that work against men in custody cases... .

First is bias - the assumption that moms are better parents than dads.  It's baloney, especially if the mom has some psychological disorder like BPD that puts the kids at high risk.  And I think the law is gender-neutral in all 50 states now.  But the law is administered by people - judges and others - who may still believe that myth.

I found that my first attorney - a man - assumed that I couldn't and shouldn't have primary custody.  His whole approach was so weak I had to fire him - he couldn't get it through his head that the kids would be better off with me than with their mom (who was diagnosed with BPD but refused treatment).  My second attorney - a woman - was the opposite - she understood what BPD was and how it would impact the kids, and did a good job helping me.  (I got 50/50 but the kids have spent most of their time with me - their mom doesn't really want them most of the time - and they're now doing great.)

The other factor besides bias among the officials is our own weakness.  Many men never step up til it's too late.  I almost blew it myself - I agreed in writing that I would only have the kids every other weekend!  That was very foolish, but I was able to un-agree once I got my act together.

I see that a lot here - men who act weakly and end up with less than 50/50, to their own and their kids' detriment.  Sometimes the first and most important step is to "man up" and recognize that you're going to have to fight hard and smart before it's too late.