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Title: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: Moselle on March 22, 2015, 09:24:46 AM I'm in the middle of a high conflict divorce. I cannot begin to explain what that is like. My soon to be ex is both N and BPD traits confirmed by her psychiatrist.
She is on the high road to self destruction and doing her absolute best to annihilate me both financially, mentally and in every way she can. Given any two paths, she will choose the one that causes maximum damage to me, herself and the 3 children we share. This person is an utter stranger. The true personality that she kept meticulously camouflaged from me for 15 years has come out. It's beyond me how this was kept from my consciousness, and that I played the game for 15 unconscious years. She is brutally cruel, systematically devious, and an absolute liar, thief and victim. I'm taking this one day at a time. I know there are folks here who have survived this and worse. It's hard to see a way through it right now but I'm convinced I will survive Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: fromheeltoheal on March 22, 2015, 09:38:06 AM Excerpt I'm convinced I will survive Good for you Moselle! Not only survive, thrive, it just may take a while. I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very difficult. My experience is that if you take the high road, do what is best for you and your daughters, your soon-to-be ex will dig her own hole, or abyss as you put it. Although you would do that for you and your daughters, it drives a borderline crazy when we don't engage, since it triggers the fear of abandonment that is the core of the disorder, and if she dysregulates and spins out all the way, it may end up helping all concerned since everyone will see what's really going on. One foot in front of the other, and take care of you! Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: Moselle on March 22, 2015, 09:48:48 AM Than's so much!. I spent a year on the staying board trying get this thing to work.
When she realised she had no more control over me she went on the divorce binge. I guess her need to control everything overshadowed everything. It's damage limitation now. Thriving? I know it's possible, but my bedfellow now is survival. I accept the darkness, that I'm in it. That the answers are somewhere, here in the darkness. It is real, it is BPD and NPD in it's sheer undiluted madness. Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: HardLesson on March 22, 2015, 02:47:56 PM It is difficult. Been there-done that. Still doing it. I have found EXACTLY the same reaction to my detachment. My daughters have as well. The previous post is correct. It is the BPD's response to the core fear of abandonment they experience. Detachment on your part brings those feelings and the corresponding emotional dysregulation on her part front and center. The more I detach, the angrier she becomes. Our divorce was final 3 months ago after being separated for 2 years. We were married for nearly 30 years. As with your BPD, she hid it well-at least I thought so. It was only after quite a bit of research on my part that I realized she didn't hide it as well as I thought, it was more that I was "conditioned" to her. In other words, codependency. Others saw it for years, i ignored it or rationalized it. You may have done the same thing. I can tell you though, albeit very hard work, moving thru the codependency, and detaching is SO worth it! Relationships with pwBPD, especially those in which we have had long term and intimate relationships with, leave scars. Deep ones. Even after the final decree has been signed. I still struggle at times. I would say that from your post, you already realize this. My congratulations to you for your strength. It does take guts to detach. More than most know. This message board is a Godsend. Keep referring back to it from time to time when you find yourself in moments of acquiescence or consideration thereof. It helps! Godspeed!
Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: Mutt on March 22, 2015, 11:21:48 PM She is on the high road to self destruction and doing her absolute best to annihilate me both financially, mentally and in every way she can. She is brutally cruel, systematically devious, and an absolute liar, thief and victim. I'm sorry your going through this. Her emotional barrage wil eventually simmer down, this is a truly difficult time. For now your split black. As Hardlesson states, refer to the boards. It helps. Hang in there. ----Mutt Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: Moselle on March 23, 2015, 02:48:36 AM For now your split black. Yes, and she is doing everything in her power to destroy. But I will not let her. I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I do. I have my own space now. Safe from her. She cannot enter it. I will grow a new life from there. Title: Re: As I detach, she is going into the angry abyss Post by: Mutt on March 23, 2015, 01:02:20 PM For now your split black. Yes, and she is doing everything in her power to destroy. But I will not let her. I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I do. I have my own space now. Safe from her. She cannot enter it. I will grow a new life from there. Yes. Having your own space is good. You control the environment. What I like about my own space is that there's no chaos. It's peaceful and as you say, new life that can take you anywhere you wish. This shall pass. Take good care of you. |