BPDFamily.com

Hi all ,

I think I just need to vent. For the past few days I've been feeling really down about my exBPDbf and our b/u. Today I actually felt very depressed and angry.

What p-s me off is that out of everyone in his life, I was the only person that never used or took advantage of him. I respected him, was loyal, loved him and genuinely delighted in seeing him happy. I look at the people he has in his life and how they suck him dry emotionally and financially and don't enrich his life in any way and it makes me very sad that he could throw me away.

I was also thinking of the day of the b/u: I was in my bathrobe and he told me that 'this isn't working for me',... .once I started crying he left our home to go to work. Nothing about when I would leave, where I would go. etc. I ended up packing up my small amount of belongings, storing them in our gardening shed and taking the necessities with me to a motel. That night he never called to see where I was or if I was ok. It blows my mind that he thought I would just poof! magically disappear. BTW, this all happened two days after Christmas and we had just gotten a ton of snow. It's like his mind is that of a child, thinking that the problem (me) would just go away. Normal people just don't operate like that.

Normal people also don't get engaged six weeks after the breakup of an intense, loving, year-long relationship. He's now engaged to a woman he was with over a decade ago that cheated on him. I was thinking today of all the filthy, nasty names he called her when he was telling me about her. (He had to tell me about all his exes), and thought, 'wow, now he wants to marry her.' It's the most bizarre, f-ed up, bat-sh-t crazy situation I've ever encountered.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rambling.  :) I had about two REALLY good weeks: I felt good, went on a few dates, felt much less anxious, but I'm feeling like I took steps backward.

I just read your story. I am so sorry. Have you had a chance to read through the lessons, particularly, Lesson 1? After losing a partner, feeling sad and angry are normal, right?

Do you think there was something that triggered your emotions today?

Star... .

I completely relate to what and who you thought that you were to your ex. I so transformed the life of my ex into something much better... .Mine ran off to her new supply two weeks before XMas (not recently), and she just made an abrupt announcement , told a bunch of lies and moved out immediately.  I was stunned and shocked and just... .oh... oh.oh... .so devastated.

Then she (backed by new supply) went on a campaign of lies and abuse to do anything and everything she could to hurt me.  I have never been thru ANYTHING a like that before in my life.  There was no empathy, or concern for my feelings, nothing... .It was as if someone waved wand and she was someone that I had never met.

I understand how you feel, how you were treated and I know what you are going through.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.  There are a lot of people who come to this site who have been thru similar situations and can lend a lot of support to you and how you are feeling. Keep coming and keep sharing... .it gets better.

Two steps forward, one step back sounds normal to me.

Be gentle with yourself on how long it takes. It is hard to predict, because you haven't ever been through this breakup before.

My timeline is completely different from yours, longer, and a breakup in several phases... .and I'm finding myself surprised at how long this round of low-grade depression with some grieving is going for me. I have a day that feels better, then a low day... .or two. And each time my "good day" doesn't keep on like that I'm surprised. Again. Perhaps when it finally does keep going for a while that will surprise me too.

Yesterday I felt pretty hormonal, so that could have been the trigger. I was also feeling very lonely and was missing his company. Even though he could be a total a-hole, we had the same sense of humor, etc. which I really miss. I thought about this for awhile yesterday and have come to the conclusion that I miss him, not just being in an r/s. Not to sound corny, but I feel like a part of me is missing. We really 'got' each other... .at least up until the time his illness took over.

Today is a lousy day, too. I just want to go home and curl up under a pile of blankets. Thank goodness I have an appointment with my counselor on Wednesday.

Saturday was tough for me. Deep breathing and accepting that it is ok to miss her seems to provide at least some temporary help.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!   LOL!... .You just got me thinking about all of the things, silly stuff... .ya know... the silly little fun things that makes life worth living... .we shared a LOT of that too... .tons actually.  Unfortunately... that stuff meant a whole lot to me.  She probably thought she brought  ALL of it to the relationship and I brought nothing (they are majorly self-invlolved)... .who knows... .whatever it was that she loved about me for 5 years, clearly meant absolutely nothing to her in the end.  Nothing I can do to change that.  ... .I am having a very productive and now  late afternoon into evening... .very peaceful and fulfilling time ... .all by my self!  Something that a BPD can never do... .at least I know that mine could not.  Tight attachment at all times... .no sense of self... .no peace alone... .ever... .that must be a very fear-based way to live... .   I will pass on that.   

It is OK to just do that. Blanket forts are good for adults too.

Sorry to hear this. Yes I agree you are much better off without him. Im sure you will find love, cause you sound lovely. Much love 

I'm so sorry you've been feeling depressed, Star.   

Like Grey Kitty said - two steps forward, one step back. Grieving and healing is not a linear process, in any situation. Disordered relationships especially leave a lot of debris behind for us to sort through.

Remember that you will feel better. I promise you, as time goes on, the bad days are much fewer and farther between. Just keep taking care of yourself. 


Blanket forts are the best.  |iiii