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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting => Topic started by: newlifeBPDfree on March 23, 2015, 04:51:13 PM



Title: Planning overseas trip
Post by: newlifeBPDfree on March 23, 2015, 04:51:13 PM
 

I'm planning an overseas trip to Europe for my nephew's wedding in June. I have been planning on taking my D11 with me as we have been going there every summer recently. My whole family lives there and it's the only opportunity for her to be around them. I have sole custody but things with my exBPDh are very sour and he is threatening me that he won't let her go. He said he'll have a lawyer contact me about it. In the meantime he is trying to discourage my daughter from going. She actually was very excited to go and now she is very confused about it.

I was wondering how to handle this from legal perspective but also how to talk to my daughter about it.

I talked to an attorney and she said he can't really ban me from going. He can file a motion but I will most likely be able to go anyway.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: Aurylian on March 23, 2015, 05:08:09 PM
I talked to an attorney and she said he can't really ban me from going. He can file a motion but I will most likely be able to go anyway.

Sounds like you have done all you can.  With you having sole custody and being an unlikely flight risk it's hard to imagine he can really do anything to stop it.  I would carry on and be enthusiastic about it with your D11.  It should be a lot of fun.  You can't control what he does unless he really screws up and forces you to involve the court system.  You could always get your lawyer to send him a scary letter threatening to act if he persists.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: ForeverDad on March 23, 2015, 11:11:57 PM
I don't see how he could stop you since it is a pattern already set in years past.  However, he could still obstruct, court often handles motions in slow motion, so stay alert and be ready to be proactive.

Be sure you do everything required by the order, such as a timely advance Notice of the vacation and ways to make contact while she is gone.  Some orders state "first notice gets the time slot", so don't delay in case he tries to give his own vacation notice for the same time.  I wrote Notice, vacation notices are not 'requests'!


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: newlifeBPDfree on March 24, 2015, 06:21:27 AM
I don't see how he could stop you since it is a pattern already set in years past.  However, he could still obstruct, court often handles motions in slow motion, so stay alert and be ready to be proactive.

Be sure you do everything required by the order, such as a timely advance Notice of the vacation and ways to make contact while she is gone.  Some orders state "first notice gets the time slot", so don't delay in case he tries to give his own vacation notice for the same time.  I wrote Notice, vacation notices are not 'requests'!

We don't really have an order related to our daughter. Our divorce was by default - he never showed up. I was grated sole custody, visitations are reserved. Because of recent restraining order we are now going to go mediations to establish visitation schedule. For now, everything is very vague and that does not help.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: ForeverDad on March 24, 2015, 07:32:25 AM
We don't really have an order related to our daughter. Our divorce was by default - he never showed up. I was grated sole custody, visitations are reserved. Because of recent restraining order we are now going to go mediations to establish visitation schedule. For now, everything is very vague and that does not help.

Well, you should be dealing from a position of strength since you have custody and majority time.  In many states a default non-primary parenting schedule is alternate weekends (Friday pm to Sunday pm or Monday am) and an evening (or overnight) in between, usually alternate Thursdays.  In my county that schedule is not chiseled in stone but it is a published 'guideline' schedule.  That is reasonable unless you have basis for more concern about ex's parenting.  So in mediation you can set boundaries for how much time you're willing to 'gift' your ex before saying, "mediation isn't working, we'll have to let a judge decide".

When you do settle or get an order, be sure not to feel compelled to be overly fair or overly nice.  Set your limits for what you will accept and stick to them unless you have basis to deviate.  A standard order with appropriate tweaks is the most you should accept.  Do not fool yourself into hoping that being generous with a schedule will cause him to reciprocate similarly, it won't.  While "reasonable" telephone contact and "mutually agreed" exchange locations may be okay for most orders, when there are confrontations, conflict, boundary pushing and obstruction it is best to tighten those normal vague clauses.  Anything left to interpretation is likely to be reinterpreted by the ex, of course to the ex's benefit.

Also, it is good to not schedule your flights too close to exchanges so that ex has leverage.  For example, if you tell ex, "I have to pick up the children at the regular 6 pm exchange because then we have to go right to the airport and fly at 9 pm" then you gift ex leverage to scheme sabotaging the exchange and hence the start of your vacation.  That's why I tried to start my vacations on my weekends back in the early days of my separation and divorce.  In 2006 I scheduled a vacation to start on my weekend.  She treated it like a request, saying, No.  But I left on my weekend and she was stuck with allowing me my normal weekend.  Of course on Monday when I was almost to my destination in the mountains and it was the normal exchange time she tried to get the local sheriff to declare an Amber Alert.  Fortunately she was told it didn't meet the criteria of an Amber Alert but she did manage to get an investigation started, their investigator contacted my lawyer and they worked out a solution for the duration of my vacation.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: newlifeBPDfree on March 24, 2015, 08:58:41 AM
These are very helpful tips ForeverDad. It looks like you have a lot of experience in this regard. I feel like I'm just starting the jourey of setting boundaries and limits and I have so much to learn.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: Waddams on March 24, 2015, 09:07:00 AM
I've gotten so I just do what I want with S10, provide notice in advance per court orders, and ignore any negative reactions.  Deep down, he knows how petty and stupid he'd look sabotaging his daughters vacation and long distance family visiting time.  He's counting on you keeping quiet about it because you're afraid of him.  And if he doesn't, you could point it out to him, and that in the meditations, and dealing with the RO, etc., you'll be happy to point out his latest misconduct to the professionals and have him put on supervised visitation only.


Title: Re: Planning overseas trip
Post by: newlifeBPDfree on March 24, 2015, 09:46:59 AM
He actually claims I'm a flight risk. My whole family is there and I have no family here in the States. He said that I told him numerous times I'm going to leaveand not going to come back ( that's a lie of course). I'm worried he's telling my daughter I'm going to take her there and never come back.