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Many pwBPD engage in 'distortion' or 'smear' campaign disseminating false information or allegations after a breakup to their family and friends (and anyone else who will listen) designed to paint the non as the relationship antagonist; fully at fault for specific actions during the relationship which resulted in its failure hence justifying their departure. At the same time, the effort attempts to establish them as your 'victim'.

What did yours tell everyone?

Simple. I was a narcissistic boyfriend who abused her. She told everyone  (as far as I know, but when I say everyone, my ex is a hermit who has a very small group of confidants, so the results of her campaign were small) that she had to get out 'of narcissistic relationship abuse.' I am curious if this sort of labeling in a smear campaign is common.

When I heard that this is what she felt about me, it cut very deep. I have never and would never lay a finger on my exgf. I never made her do ANYTHING she was not willing to do. Sure, I had a myriad of other problems, but those two things, I can say with utter certainty I never did. It hurt me deeply when she distorted things this way.

Good topic, all the best,


Reece

From what I have read, almost all BPD people do a smear/distortion campaign after you escape their abuse. My own ex said that I made him look bad by leaving him, even though most people knew how abusive his behavior could be.

I initiated no contact after I left him 3 yrs ago, and he is still on a smear campaign to this day.  The extent of his revenge is mind boggling.

He painted me black and made up the most horrible and outrageous stories that he could conjure up to try to ruin my reputation.  Maybe this is the only way they can cope with being abandoned.  

Stay strong and stay no contact. At least you don't have to hear their voice anymore and can live in peace.

3 years later? That's crazy... .

Glad to hear you're taking that well. I bet it can be really hard that someone can remain that vindictive 3 years later... .

Hi Reecer,

Yes my uBPDw ran what I believe to be a smear campaign but sugar-coated in care and concern for me. I left her after the push and pull and irrational raging and projection became too much for me. I recognized my codependency and the unhealthy nature of the relationship and knew that I had to tear myself away. I was so FOGged up and it was a very difficult and traumatic thing to do.

Her campaign started about 4 weeks after I left. She wrote to my close friends demanding that they persuade me to change my mind. She emailed all my work colleagues and friends to explain what I had done from her perspective but twisted to make out that I was the damaged, depressed and suicidal one struggling with my demons whilst she still loved me greatly and would forgive me if I came back. Her role in destroying the relationship was conveniently overlooked. Fortunately my family and friends were not convinced and whilst they were concerned for me they saw her behavior and messages as inappropriate and controlling rather than the loving actions of a wife.

Since then she has sent large boxes of things I gave her throughout the relationship not all at once but in phases plus a surprising amount of my clothes she must have been hoarding.  Bombarded my work email with obscure guilt laden quotes. Signed my work email up to a self esteem spam mail.

NC has really helped clear the FOG and help me to see what was really going on. The smear campaign just help confirm how toxic a relationship with her would always be.

Good luck with your recovery.

Spartacus

I honestly dont know. I was pretty much kept from all her friends so its not like I run into them constantly. But, based on how she painted her ex husband and past boyfriends, and her martyr/victim complex, I would bet money on it. Of course Im not sure how she explains the new bf a week after dumping me, but hey, not my circus, not my monkeys. I keep my mouth shut about the r/s except for a few close friends and my T.

Oh yes the Distortion Campaign!

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs. I only found out post divorce that she was running a distortion campaign against me for several years. All designed to portray herself as a victim to her affair partners that she was running around with.

I was portrayed as being controlling, physically abusive to her and my sons as well as sexually abusive to her (rape). Thankfully her own family rejected these stories as they were close to me and knew my true character by then. Of course her affair partners bought it HOOK LINE AND SINKER! After all they were rescuing the poor little damsel in distress from the abusive husband. My neighbor is her latest victim. I say victim because he thinks he rescued her from me but all of us on here know what he really signed up for!

I too fell for the smear campaign that she laid at my feet about her boyfriend before me so I know how convincing she can be.

In the end I'm glad she ran the smear campaign against me because it freed me from Her crazy world. I feel sorry for my neighbor for that day when reality hits him and he realizes everything that he thought was real was just an illusion and he comes to the understanding that he was purposefully lied too. We all know that feeling to on here!

MWC... .*)

I never heard what mine said about me in public but I can imagine, since I know what she said about me to me through text message and email. she alternated between praising me one day and then insulting me the next when I didnt respond to her contact.  she said i was emotionaly abusive, i was controlling, I never loved her, My favorite was, i used her and I never cared about her or her " medical issues"  Since I know what she said about the men before me I can only imagine what she says about me. I also relaize that her saying that stuff about me was also just to get a reaction from me since I was NC and she can not stand to be ignored so like a spoiled little child she was throwing fit in the only way she could.

My exBPDbf didn't smear/distort me or our relationship with any of our mutual friends or coworkers. I'm not saying he did that out of the goodness of his heart, but he knows how close-lipped I am in my life, so I don't think he felt the need for it.

I'm sure he's run a distortion campaign about me with my replacement, because he did the same with me about his exes. Both positive and negative - sometimes an exgf might have been an angel from above, then 10 minutes later he would call the same ex "a piece of sht."

The reality of a pwBPD is ever-changing, as it's based on feelings. And with BPD being a persecution-based disorder, pwBPD often put themselves in the victim role of most interactions. As most of us know all too well, they can play that role in a very believable manner.

I dont think they go out and say "hey i'm going to say all these terrible things to everyone thinks X is a bad person". It's more like they are painted into a corner and telling lies about the other person is the only way they can explain the unfortunate/embarassing situations they can be in.

In my instance, the BPDx has had 5 kids with 3 different guys in 6 years. Her story now is that the guy before me beat her and i was crazy and she's putting on the show like the latest baby daddy is her one and only. When that ends the only way it can, complete and utter disaster, she will have some way to explain it and i'm sure she will sucker in another poor soul.

This has been very helpful. Thank you all for sharing

Yes, my BPDexgf has iniated smear campaigns against me when she has painted me black. They are clearly designed to justify her role/place as the victim and to place attention on her as the victim. God (you read it correctly), God is always cast in the rescuer role to her victim. The classic triangle is complete with me as the persecutor.

As she and I share many mutual friends, she can only partially run a smear campaign against me. Her campaigns are usually conducted via FB. She cannot name me there as naming me there would quickly backfire on her. Now, with her exclusive friends she's able to run a full campaign; I am 100℅ sure (she has told me) that she smears me to high Heaven in those campaigns via text/calls/face to face communications.

The smear campaigns are indicative of her emotional immaturity. They also fulfill her narcissistic needs. It's just sad; my friend is in a very bad way in life. I wish that I knew how to help her. I daily pray that God will deliver her from her life wrecking affliction. That is all that I can do.

Did she? She sent the most vitriolic of my e-mails to her friends and co-workers. She filed multiple false charges against me. She even called my parents numerous times. I've never been so happy to have someone out of my life.

My exN/BPDw started a smear campaign every time I stood up to her against the abuse. It detracted from what the real issue was into me focusing my time and effort into proving to others that this was not the case. Also, it put me in a position of apologising and "making up" for things I knew I hadn't done because it was easier to do and keep the peace. In her world, if 20 people agree with her based on what she says to them, then it has to be true.

At the end of marriage, I didn't care what she said and didn't have the energy to fight it any longer. I knew the truth, as did my own family and friends as did mine and her T. Ultimately that's all that mattered.

In terms of exBPDgf, I don't know what she has said to others and given that I'd already been through that once, I don't care too much this time around.

My experience is almost identical to yours, with the exception that mine is somewhat of a celebrity and the circle in which I have been smeared is huge. Think social media with thousands of followers. Our whole relationship from beginning to end happened in the view of a fairly large public audience. I have never felt like I have had any privacy through these years, and part of my leaving is to get that back.

I know that mine had worked hard to wage a successful smear campaign against me. After she had unfriended all of the people she met through me on FB (not that she grew any roots with them), one by one, she contacted roughly 30 or so of her family and friends and convinced them that they should unfriend me there. Only a husband of one of her cousins refused to do so. He had acknowledged that she was telling some tall tales about me but declined to tell me specifically what it was. It made me conclude that it was so embarrassing or salacious that he had a problem repeating it.

Other than that, I had a friend who knows her son refer to me as 'psycho' (I had a good laugh about that one. But isn't that what they do? Project?).

Whatever it was, she had to come up with something incredible in order to convince these people and others who had complimented and welcomed me all throughout the r/s and do an outstanding job of convincing them that it was true and that they should turn away from faster than Judas. It is a mechanism that they concoct as justification for their flight as well as to indemnify themselves from the judgment by their people of wrongdoing on their part.

As these were people that I welcomed into my heart, home and life just as much family and friends as the ones that I have had all of these years, it added another dimension of unnecessary hurt to a situation that was already several layers deep of pain. They all appear to have fell for it whatever it was and not one of them had the good heart and decency to write, call or text me, 'Sorry JRT, you seem to be a good man... .you took care of my sister/friend/etc... .sorry it didn't work out with you guys... .I wish you all the best... ."  Not even one... .

Under these circumstances, she was clearly very conscious in declaring that JRT is a bad person... ."here is why and here is what I demand that you do''... .this and this alone was enough hurt. Too bad it came accompanied with SO much more.

I have learned through the HARD WORK of healing that those people who KNEW me and were TRUE friends didn't fall for the distortion campaign. The people that believed her lies and didn't have the decency to talk to me about what they heard we're never TRUE friends and I'm OK with this ordeal purging them from my life. I am a blessed man as her own family didn't believe her lies. They knew me for the man I am and have stood beside me. We are kindered spirits her family and me as we were both victims of smear campaigns by her.

The funny thing is that she has isolated herself now because she knows that her lies have caught up to her and she can't face the people that know the truth. She now has only her new r/s and his family because they are unaware of the truth. Makes me wonder what they must think about why she has no friends or family   If only they KNEW!

MWC... .*)

I really have no idea what was said about me. I was pretty much kept away from her friends. In 16 months, maybe 4 times I met them. Never did anything as couples. Not sure why that was, perhaps embarassed of me, perhaps her method of planning because if they got to know me, she would have more explaining to do, I dont know. As Ive said before, Ive just kept my mouth shut except for a few friends and my T. Im not going to get drug down by that crap. It's her reality, Im just living in it... .

I told everyone on Facebook about how she treated me. Am i any better than her?

I dont know, H300. In the heat of the moment sometimes we do things that are good or not so good. God knows I wanted to shout from the roof tops what happened, but I didnt. No harm, no foul.

everything I said is the truth. She is and always will be a user and abuser.

I know man, I know,

God knows I wanted to shout from the roof tops what happened

Deeno, you used a phrase that EXACTLY is how I've described my feelings to others when they ask. It's less about the depression/anger now for me. I just feel constantly like I want to shout! I want to scream to the world, "I didn't deserve this! I gave her my everything, I gave her love, affection, attention, I tried so hard! Don't you see that she is LYING? How can you not see?"

Hello

 

  Of course she smeared me. Thats is their thing. "Its not me it them".

She has zero friends. You can no longer call a person a friend once you cross  into intimacy with said friend. Plenty of orbiters who she had and had not been intimate with. Her family (mom & dad) have told me several times we do not believe anything she says. Besides her parents I could not care less what she tells some totall stranger. So I  say smear in a on BPDer you are only making yourself fell like crap for lieing, and keep youself In a viscous cycle. Only truly hurting themselves , Is how I  feel.

   Words only hurt when WE set value to them .

Just checked in here to see how folks are.  Names have changed but the BPDs are just the same. 

Reece, I got a nice series of emails descirbing my "narcassitic behavior" and about my "disorder" on one of our splits.  Really hurtful stuff.  Blabbed her thoughts to some people crazy enough (and can't see that somehow) to believe her.

Not once... .not one single solitary time did she ever admit to having a problem.  It was always everyone else... .

Good luck guys.

Sometimes people ask me how I deal with the smear campaign, my pat answer these days is 'not my monkey, not my circus anymore' and leave it at that  :)

My ex followed the same pattern as most above... .I am not sure what she said, but it was the classic BPD ruse. Stories about me were invented, such as I was controlling, too this, not that.  A complete manipulation was devised by her to everyone that she knew, even including her new therapist?  Many of the people that she smeared me to really loved me and did not understand the abrupt dismissal... .

Of course the oh-so innocent victim face was just out telling lie after lie to cover up and justify her new relationship that all these people would consider very inappropriate and cast her in an ugly, self-centered light if they knew the actual truth. Me, I was clueless and in buckets of pain, not understanding what was going on, as I was being told lie after lie as well.

It's metal illness, and from what I could surmise, I think my ex believes the tales she is spinning as if she did not she would have to face who she is and what she is ACTUALLY doing.

At ALL COST she avoided the truth and the ugly consequences that I had to face in her new world. Total denial.

They have to dissociate themselves from that at all cost...

The whole realization of what was going on took me some time to comprehend. And, even as the light bulb slowly came on for me, I kept doubting myself, thinking that I HAD to have this wrong. She, the love of my life couldn't possibly be running this con... .could she?

Oh yeah... .she was, and it was one selfish distorted mess, brilliantly orchestrated by an experienced expert. I never had a chance.

I get quite sick thinking about what actually went down.

Ah... yes... the surgar-coating... .an experts touch.   Inventive and oh so cunning, delivered with the face of a concerned angel.  If they could read this thread they would be quite proud of their handiwork and all the pain it has caused... .At least I saw glimpses of that in the eyes of mine.  She was "getting off" on her evil genius. I have no doubt of that.  Ugly stuff.

I know that there was zero remorse for her actions and lies. Absolutely none.

I guess that is why this whole orchestration is identified as a personality disorder. It isn't normal, and it is far from human warmth. Very far.

Actually, her smear campaign started long before she disappeared. Before she "broke up" with me she was talking trash behind my back.

Mine did it in the first week. She introduced me to her best friend who raised the topic of my uBPDgf's ex-boyfriend. The UBPDgf drifted off into la-la land talking about him. The friend looked at me to see my reaction.

I told the uBPDgf that her friend was probably trying to warn me. She told her friend that I spoke bad about her and so her friend wrote me off completely. When I asked her why she would say such a thing to her friend when I had never said a bad word about her, she said "I don't know". I didn't care as I didn't think that much of her friend. This was the first red flag I ignored. The smear campaign continued verbally, through Facebook messages, emails and so on.

Now, post marriage and divorce, the smear campaign is at its height. The police have noted that I "take and spend all her money" which is just laughable. She is trying to build a history of abuse while seeking 100% in settlement. In our jurisdiction, abuse gives you and extra 5-10% in settlement.  That being the case, I'm thinking I should get 150% in settlement.

The smear campaign is in overdrive and I'm sure it will continue for years to come with all the enablers who choose to listen to it. It doesn't bother me as anyone who will listen to it is not necessarily anyone I would hold in high esteem.

That's projection - she was emotionally abusive, controlling, and doesn't know how to love.

Yeah I was specifically called all of those things and I believe it was projection as well.

My ex-BPD girlfriend told everyone who would listen, including my parents, that I was abusive and she was afraid of me. Projection. I distinctly recall being physically choked outside of a wedding reception for daring to walk out after being humiliated by her at a table full of strangers. I also recall her, after one of the many times I tried breaking up with her, buying a sundress and perfume (the same style of dress and the same perfume my college ex wore - which the borderline could've only learned from getting her hands on and reading my private journal); breaking into my office building on a Sunday while I was working; and "surprising" me. Nothing the slightest bit scary or freaky about that. I asked my college girlfriend (who is still a good friend) if she ever considered my behavior to be abusive or physically threatening and if she was ever afraid of me. She laughed.

JRT,

One of the devices emoyed against me in my BPDexh's smear campaign against me was the classic Karpman Triangle, with her own special twist. I (unnamed on FB. see my prior post), of course, was cast as the Persecutor. She, as always, was/is the helpless, innocent, eternal Victim. Then she brought in the big gun, God is cast as Rescuer/Enabler. God stepped in with all of His Grace, Love, and Compassion for a member of His flock to thwart the evil one, to save her. His Authority and Righteousness were pitted fully against the wicked me. Now, she didn't come out and say that directly, but by merely bringing God in as Rescuer/Enabler it is implied by default. Also implied by default, I am not/cannot be a member of His flock; in contrast, she is a member of His flock since He has intervened on her behalf. Her/her actions also must be Righteous by default; therefore, she is guilt free, unblemished. When selfishly and shamefully weaponized properly, God brings it.

I have several times seen her run this triangle on FB against others. Her blurbs, headings, have been: God opening a door and allowing her to escape, God doesn't want someone in her life, so she shouldn't either, God revealed to her someone's true self, etc. It is a complete assization of God and the very basics of Christian teaching.

He told people I owed him 6000 for an accident with a rental car we  had full coverage insurance on 8 years ago.

I heard from a mutual friend that the following applied:

I was controlling, manipulative, did not listen to her, did not support her, only wanted a trophy wife, that she saw my true colors (when I was enraged as I found out she was cheating on me as she was already leaving me), that I made things too easy for her, that we did not just hold each other enough... .I was too pushy for sex (the sex she'd begun to withhold), that I was too big in the community and enmeshing her. Truthfully, I was too much of a pushover. I shudder at the man I would have been if she'd stuck around longer, I wasn't aware of what she was, or what she was doing to me. I don't think I would have left her.

I can only imagine what mine told folks or still telling folks. Its been almost 4 months since the breakup and no real contact, but she is still devaluing me on social media and even had the balls to tag me in a comment on a mutual friends Instagram post. I just shake my head as I know its for attention or a reaction, but she will not get any from me. I have been painted blacker than black so I don't even want to think about what she could be lying on me about. But she loves to say I play victim.

I honestly don't know if mine has or not.  I never much cared for her group of friends and the majority of our friends were my friends that I continue to remain in contact with.  Most of them ended things with her as she made things pretty awkward for a number of them.  But to her family or her friends?  No clue.  I hope I'm blacker than tar and that I never have to worry about it again. 

The one thing that she did say to me as she was leaving is that "she will never say anything bad about me."  This struck me as very weird, as if this was supposed to be comforting to me?  Or that her natural instinct is to bad mouth and trash talk her ex's?  She certainly trashed all of her ex's to me so I'm just going to assume she does the same with the guy she is with now, an ex, not surprisingly.  I don't think her pattern of behavior is just going to change on account of me.

I don't know, that line just struck me as very odd.  I just remember asking myself, why does that need to be said?  And what am I supposed to say back?  Gee, thanks! Awful nice of you!