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Aurylian has this as his signature:

"If you act like a victim and blame the other person, you're missing an opportunity to grow."

I'm going to ignore that briefly. I'm quite bitter right now because I'm being "forced" to sit here and process our dysfunctional relationship instead of doing something productive... .or doing absolutely anything else but this.

I say that because I was treated to about three weeks of stability and got comfortable. Now that things got bad again, I'm annoyed, and I know that's coming out in my tone. I also feel naive for letting my guard down a little. I'm tired of having to write about this all the time to keep my sanity. And I'm sick of therapy. But yes, I'll continue to work as hard as I can to keep our marriage. [insert emoticon of your choice]

My wife had dropped her Lithium dose and things got amazingly better. Then she got a little too "up" two mornings ago. Too chatty. Too intimate (totally fine by me, but yeah). As she was coming back "down," she admitted that she had secretly dropped her dose even lower to see what would happen. The following happened:

She got lower. I work at my desk, facing the wall, facing away from the TV and the sofa. Every day, all day, she sits on the sofa, mostly playing games on her tablet. Yesterday afternoon, she asked me if I was going to take a nap. Translated, that means "I want to be alone." I'm very quiet while I work, so I stupidly just told her I wasn't tired.

An hour later, she told me to work in the bedroom. Translated, that means she's sick of being near me.

I was in there about 3 hours. She had quietly checked up on me twice. The third time, she came in and admitted she was crashing. I suggested we both watch TV the rest of the night, which calms her down. She liked the idea. But then she made me wait an hour while she took a bath and got stoned. Her coping mechanism. Her vaporizer is broken, so she sits in the tub and fires up until her eyes are like slits.

About midnight, she said she felt better and would like to go to bed. Any other night, that means I have to go to bed with her or she gets upset.

Me: "Sure. I'll go to bed right now."

Her: "I don't mean right now. I might stay up and read a while." (That means playing games on her tablet.)

Me: "OK. Whenever you're ready. I can totally go to sleep."

Her: "I don't mean going to sleep. I'm not ready yet!"

Me: "OK, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. When you're ready, I'll transport my physical being onto the mattress. No problem."

She stormed off. She went to bed, and I stayed in the living room until 3:30a. Like I mentioned, that upsets her, but I knew I needed to avoid being near her because I didn't know if further communication would help or hurt. It's always a crap shoot.

You guys know the drill... .if you ask her about that interaction, she'll twist my words and blame me for something.

This morning, I heard her come out of the bedroom. She was fully dressed already, dog leash in hand. No hello. She muttered something that was a clear indication I should go back into the bedroom for the day. I started moving my stuff. Her: "Why are you doing that? I'm leaving." Any normal day, that meant she was walking the dog. She whispered something, and then whispered something else. (She's barely audible when she's very low.)

I started working in the bedroom. She came in and said she was leaving for the day and taking her pills with her because she didn't know if she would be capable of making it back tonight. Thankfully, I knew she was going to her parent's house.

Me: "Are you OK?"

Her: "I don't want to talk about it."

Me: "You know I love you, and if I did anything to upset you, I'd like to work on it."

Tears were streaming down her cheeks: "I can't talk about it. I need to go." She walked out the door. No goodbye. Nothing.

Part of my brain is forcing me not to accept this is happening. This can't be happening.

So here I am, worried about her, stewing about the fact that I have no idea what triggered her aside from messing with her meds without approval. Stewing about the fact that we might be moving out of the country and she doesn't even have the motivation to renew her much-needed passport immediately. Stewing about the fact that, six days ago, my CBT therapist gave me a gushing compliment about my calm outlook regarding our relationship and our future. She's borderline. I can be perfect and still be incapable of doing anything to help her.

[insert another emoticon here]

You are right that you can do everything perfect and still end up with a negative interaction.  Radical Acceptance.  For these relationships we must adjust our expectations.

But, on the growth side . . .  :)


My BPDw would have been triggered by that conversation too.  I crossed out some language that seems to force them to commit to something and pressures them.  What are your thoughts on this?

Hello NGU. I am sorry to hear things have taken a sharp turn towards confusing and worrisome for you.

I wish I had some wise words for you, but as you may know, I am still pretty new to finding effective ways to handle the dysfunction and dysregulation in my own r/s. I do admire and relate to your commitment to working hard to keep your marriage.

I hope you can shift gears away from stewing and worrying, and instead use your time alone to focus on what you need and want. Hopefully you can regain some of your calm outlook that your T gushed about.

My thoughts? What about... ."WTH?"

I do have to laugh though. You crossed out every single word but "sure" and "ok." I did realize my last sentence was obnoxious the second it came out of my mouth.

As for the other statements, I thought I was just being accommodating. But what you're saying is that she might feel like I'm forcing her to commit to something she already committed to. That makes zero sense, but since this is BPD, it makes perfect sense.

So maybe I should keep to one-word utterances until I can wrap my brain around this. If you know of a thread that touches on this concept, I'm intrigued.

Please forgive my ignorance... .

Is your wife Bi-Polar... and pwBPD?

My UBPD wife was diagnosed back in the 80's after a suicide attempt as being Bi-Polar and prescribed varying levels of Lithium over the next 4 years while in therepy  (Before I knew her... .and she readily admits this).

She has from time to time "talked" about going back on Lithium. It's been almost 30 years since she was on it... .or has seen a therapist.  Let me say... .I'm 100% sure, she is not Bi-polar. It is also my understanding that Lithium does nothing for BPD sufferers.

Has something changed? Am I wrong ?

She's on three meds. Lithium can help with depression and mania.

My W has sudden and sometimes drastic mood swings. Her first diagnosis was MDD. She also says she has PTSD from 9/11 (she was living close enough to ground zero to see the jumpers). At least two of her psychs have diagnosed her with BPD.

I once asked her about a BPD book she has and she got irritable. A year later in couple's therapy, I mentioned the book and she told me to never talk about it again. Sore subject, apparently. Don't know why. Her denial got me curious, so I checked the DSM. Someone needs to meet 5 of the DSM's 9 criteria, and she's a strong match to at least 7.

I secretly scanned through her book and my heart sank... .she owned it for a reason. I then secretly read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and it was like they wrote the book specifically for her.

Thanks for the clarification. 

I guess... .I was hoping... .Maybe I missed a new study in the last couple years about Lithium.

Still hoping for a... .  "Magic Pill"

I hope you find some Peace.

A lot of what you say is often hidden in the tone used. It is easy to be mistaken for sarcasm and reluctance. We may not be deliberately doing it, but even if we dont mean it to, it can be perceived that way.

I have had a lot of interactions like that. Best to just shrug it off, trying to defend it just makes it a bigger deal.

Is this normal for her?  How often does she tell you to do things.

How often does she ask?

Want to make sure I have this right before making any other observations.

She used to ask for more. After I was forced to detach, it seems like she realized I was going through my own inner turmoil and eased up. She has actually offered some emotional support during couple's therapy.

I believe the only things she asks for now are food, help with the occasional errand and requests to walk the dog when she's too low. She even stopped asking for food about a month ago because she can't keep anything down due to stress. (She's seeing doctors.) After her latest meltdown, I suggested she confide in a friend to get things off her chest, which she did.

It took me a while to respond to this because I had burnout. Also, she's away on a family trip, leaving me time to decompress and process. It's been keeping me from other goals, but I keep telling myself that the additional perspective will be helpful for the future.

We were on the phone last night and she mentioned that she likes being married. I'll take that as her official stance, since she's emotionally level at the moment.

Side Note

I'm sort of a geek when it comes to stats. Knowing that, take ten copies of the first Harry Potter book and stack them up. That's about how many words are in the Lessons if you take all the links into account.

Yep that's why we all always advise small steps don't try to deal with everything at once. A speed read to know its there and get some kind of order to all this, then periodically revisit sections as required.

Using the search bar will also bring up older relevant discussions on subjects you may be interested in. Its a bottomless pit of info.