BPDFamily.com

Hey guys, just found this place and I've been going through a lot of the posts to deal with my emotional damage. I'm just looking for some tools or advice to deal with a situation that I know will be forthcoming:

My uBPD ex of 6 months broke it off with me last week after months of trying to get back together. It was the typical rollercoaster ride - some amazing times were had together which were quickly followed by her indicating to me that those times weren't as amazing as she made them seem. Primarily because I wasn't doing the little things for her. Once those issues were defused, it was onto the jealousy issues and who I'm texting/friends with, after that it's how we've never really had any form of relationship. Once the breakup started, it was how she was getting her sexual needs met from an orbiter. The emotional damage this has caused me is nearly unbearable. I am usually a very confident person, a huge catch for someone, but my confidence is low right now, and I've struggled with depression in the past, so this isn't fun at all.

Anyways, my release from stress, anxiety, and pain is, and will always be golf. It's my time to let go of all my thoughts and just focus on golf. I had always dreamed of meeting someone that golfed, and once I met my ex and found out she loved it just as much as I did, I fell hard. She has many other qualities that I grew to love as well.

She works where I golf. Soon, when golf season starts again, I'll see her 4 - 5 times per round when she's there. She is dating someone else within a week of the breakup, a huge rebound, and I know that I can't be with her because of her BPD and how she's treated me when she's upset.

This is my release, my second home, my sanctuary, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle this, especially the first time it happens. I know, regardless of my beliefs, that when the time comes my emotions are going to be all over the map, I'm going to be nervous, shaking, I won't know if I should be friendly, or act as if now she's just an employee there. My memories there with her are going creep up immediately, they already have.

I would really appreciate some advice anyone has right now to deal with frequently seeing her.

Can you sign up with a different golf course until you heal a little more?

Rifka

Gettingby, I am 4 months out of a 4 yr relationship, with a quick rebound that I cut short because I caught her in a huge lie. Before she reached out to me, for a serious emergency (her beloved dog of 16 years had a stroke and she doesn't have a car to get her to the vet - just so it's clear that I couldn't ignore, which I would have done) I was reaching a clearing and almost out of the FOG. 2 days with her, one completely love bombed and the second, retreat and then the lie. I got slammed to the ground hard and it hit me incredibly hard. Fortunately, it was what I needed to realize that I was one of the lucky ones. I still love her deeply but could not go through anymore of it.

What's my point? Find someplace else to golf or find another way to release during this golf season. I am sure you were expecting this response, but know that I am not suggesting this to be flippant. If golfing and this course is you sanctuary, I can assure you that the pain you will endure by being anywhere near her will far outweigh the negatives of not golfing this season or golfing elsewhere. You can go ahead and try but please take heed from those of us who have much longer on the battle field than 6 months. You still have deep feelings for her, undoubtedly, and I understand. My ex broke it off unceremoniously at the 3 month mark, accusing me of giving her an STD. I got checked and sent her the negative. Didn't matter. I went silent for three months and then reached back out to her. She wanted back in and we lived together for three years after and it was everything you read about on these pages. 6 mo. is a very delicate time frame so you are a mix of desire, fear and nervousness. It will not get better. If she is with this other guy, she will likely play you to keep the attachment. I love my ex deeply still but, one I couldn't put myself through any more of the roller coaster and two, she bashed down a couple of boundaries that I will not accept be trampled on.

It's up to you, but if you think that you are going to get any of the sanctuary effect of golfing while she is there, you are sadly mistaken. You won't. She will keep the push pull going and you won't be able concentrate on gold and worse, will probably end up looking like a fool, when that is the last thing you need to add to your plate right now. I have been there. It will crush your soul, trust me.

My sincere and heartfelt advice is to find another outlet or another course. If you want to look at it another way, she will be expecting and when you don't show, it will make you the stronger one, it will put you back in a position of taking the power back.

Thank you for the replies.

I do have one other place that I can golf, and that is definitely an option, but I have golfed at my home course for 17 years, that's why it's so hard. Can you explain to me how I seem like the stronger one if I'm the one that doesn't show up there anymore? To me, letting her phase me and run me out of there seems very weak on my part. My perception is that if I can show my strength when she's around and eventually not be phased by her emotional garbage, that could be effective.  

However, I've found that when dealing with someone with BPD, you have to do the exact opposite of what your rational mind thinks.

Gb, while I know that you don't see it such, please rest assured that the last thing you should be doing is thinking of this in "game" terms i.e. I need to show her who stronger. You will lose, trust me. The hardest part of this disorder is that they have an ability to complete disengage from their emotions, especially with people who they truly care about. You will read over and over again, on this board, how non's who have been in very long relationships have faced their partners and were met with the kind of cold that might be reserved for someone they just met for the first time.

The alternative, however, is that she will love bomb you. This will damage you even more. I know I just went through it. I never really enjoyed the initial stages of our relationship. The love bombing was too much and I was quite reserved. However, after you have fallen in love with someone and you have been stripped of them completely, you crave that love and attention from the person you care so deeply about and the withdrawal is mind blowingly hard.

Right now, the imperative is not to show her that you are stronger and can deal with being around her, she won't even process it the way you are. Right now it is about staying on the path of healing which means n/c. No one on this site who has either or is still, like me in n/c is saying "you know what I need to prove to her that I can deal with her which means I need to communicate". It doesn't work that way. Again, you only need to read about all of the recycles on this board to know that it is often harder than the initial break up.

Banish the feeling that you need to prove anything to her. What you need to do is take every measure to stay out of contact with her. If it makes you feel any better, she will likely wonder why you aren't golfing at your cherished course, during golfing season. It could very well have her reaching out to you to ask why she hasn't seen you. This will likely feel good but again, you will be playing with fire.

Let me be clear, I absolutely still deeply love my ex. I would give anything to have her without the BPD, anything. I wanted to end my life with her (I am 47, so while by no means dead... .), this was my dream. We had so much in common and she was my beautiful lady. But, I can't have her the way I want her and the years that I had dreamed of spending with her would have been frought with so much hurt and pain, that I couldn't hang on any longer. It has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to come to terms with. As a result, every other thought or emotion, in me, has been thrown out the window, except self preservation and this requires complete and total no contact. Rest assured that you will never be able to summon the strength necessary to handle it. Next year, maybe.

The course will always be there, let it go this year and golf elsewhere. The alternative is that the only scores that you will achieve, are the ones across your heart. I mean this will all kindness and caring.

I love golf. The best part of golf is that no two courses are the same. I suggest changing it up a bit. I actually hate golfing at the same course a lot. It makes the game boring. Golf is about challenge. It's just like the breakup. Challenging. Challenge yourself to play other courses. Different tees. Use a 7 iron all round. I can't wait to golf!

No hard feelings at all. I view independent third party opinions in high regard, so I definitely trust what you're saying is in my best interest. When I suspected my ex had BPD, before we officially broke it off, she had me so twisted up that I needed to see my psychologist to make sure that I wasn't going crazy. I hope to use her to get me back on track as well.

Thanks for outlining your situation to me to help me understand. If my pain is excruciating, I can't even imagine what you're going through  :'(

Thanks GB for both recognizing my desire to help, not offend and for your kind sentiments about my situation.

It grows easier by the day but each day can bring new emotions, which is part of the process of letting go. In the end, it has to do with recognizing all of the things that I shouldn't have accepted but did. Ultimately, though, it was about the boundaries that she crossed that simply weren't negotiable.

I could have dealt with most of it but when the lies were exposed and the replacement lined up. Although, just yesterday, in another discussion, I realized that my determination and being in the FOG, came at a cost to my 13 year old boy, who had to endure quite a lot (not physical but emotional stress). How I let that happen is beyond me.

At 6 mo. you are still at the stage where you haven't had a ton of bricks thrown at you, so it is likely that you will, as I did, harbor want and the desire to one day reunite with her. I won't dissuade you, but I will advise that you follow the advice not to golf at her course and that you build yourself up to such a strong position that you can make an informed decision.

I can tell you that when she first broke up with me, I was a mess. I still got up and did my thing every day but my head was completely distracted and all I could think about was to be back with her. I still, however maintained no contact for three months and then reached out. It worked but in retrospect, I wish that it hadn't.

Trust me, I know that it stinks. Just keep your wits about you and always thing about you first. Remember, though, if she can run off with someone once, she can do it again. You (we) deserve better.

Good luck and enjoy playing the new course. Change is good!

I am very new here and have learned fairly quickly that NC is the way to go.  It's very hard at times but I am no longer taking several steps backwards after taking several steps forwards. I had ine phone call that set me back a couple weeks.  In many ways you are fortunate that you have a golf course in the middle. We have two young children together and I'd rather never speak or see her again and I am stuck side by side at every doctor appointment and teacher conference.  It makes recovery so much more difficult.  I'd rather be beat up by a gang of goons with baseball bats then be put through what she has dished out.  Hang in there.

Hi gettingbuy,

*welcome*

Sorry your going through this.

Use your passion as therapy at your secondary choice for a course.

The enjoyment is going to be taken out if your still attached to her.

A choice could be to return next season.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

I can tell you I have resentment towards mine based solely on the fact she weakened me of what I am, and she became my boss at work and used that power smartly to bully me into behaving on how she felt I should ,,the last time I tried to engage her and honestly was a bit manipulating on my part I wanted to make peace just for the fact of being able to be me again  and regain on what I lost at work ,,it was met with push pull we are on good terms but not like before and we can't return to being what we were that was a huge mistake but were good haha ,,I then went as close to NC as possible   who needs to hear they were a mistake after all we do for them and that's always more then they do for us I gave emotion less answers and total ignore the rest of the time ,,it didn't seem to bother her but she left me alone and had other bosses deal with me ... .but two months in she showed signs of cracking not avoiding me, a couple of attempts at a hello, once even bumped into me while I was standing alone in a ten foot wide walkway and kept going without a word said ,,at the same time was crafting a plan to transfer without making her the reason and got it and in an instant  it was granted and it was reported to her I would not be back,,i don't know how she felt or if she cared but I do know the best way to deal with their presence is to ignore it no matter how hard it is ... .they want attention and gain power by giving it to you pulling the rug out from underneath you and turn the tables to make it seem you are not worthy of theirs ... .ignoring them strips them of all the power they have on you,, you have their biggest fear ,,someone not afraid to leave them ,,and shows you respect yourself ... .to them any attention is good attention so give them none ... .now I miss her and quite sad but my new co workers are enjoying me for the person I am ,,I am no longer a shell of me