BPDFamily.com

I'm not even sure I know where to start. It hasn't been months... .it's been a week since he moved out and I'm still so lost in grief I can't breathe.

I haven't had clarity. Only enough to somehow stumble onto BPD characteristics and experiences from both sides. Trying to find answers. Some small comfort in knowing I wasn't imagining the insanity. I wasn't crazy. Thoughts... .why couldn't I have learned about this sooner? Self-reflection. Personal failings. Loss. Pain... for myself, for him. Doubts of his love. (Which, reading on here, seem to be valid.) Am I so easily forgotten?

A host of other untouchable thoughts that hurt too much to bear. Feeling his emptiness profoundly. Recognizing my own fear of abandonment that snared me from day one... .the day he walked away from an emotional moment because it was too much for him.

Even couples therapy didn't help much. The last few months he'd say he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. Then we'd bond again... close and true. In the last week we bonded 3 times, he opened up about fears he kept to himself... .and then in the next minute based off something innocuous I said--it ended. The next day he moved out. Two days later he reached out to see if I was still there for him in any way... .and then he pulled away again leaving a gaping hole in my chest.

So is it better that it ended? Sure.

But I'm not there yet. Should I be so surprised? Probably not, but I remained foolishly hopeful.

I miss him dearly. That connection we had when he was feeling "normal". The "love" he expressed. His snuggles were the best I've ever experienced. We shared something... .regardless of where it originated from, and now I have to cope with the feeling that it vanished in a blink and left a chasm behind.

Sorry munki, it is very painful to both be in a relationship with someone who exhibits borderline traits, and when those relationships end.  There's a lot of info on this site that will get rid of some of the confusion, although it still hurts, we understand and are here to answer questions and let you vent if you need to.


Most of us didn't even know BPD existed when we were in the relationship.  It's eye-opening, but adopting the belief that everything happens for a reason that serves us can help.  And knowing about it may have made things less confusing and let you cope a little better, but you couldn't have fixed it and you'd still be living in chaos.


You're not forgotten, it's just a defense mechanism practiced by someone who can't deal with his emotions any other way, at least in his head.  Compartmentalization, projection, distraction, all things to not focus on you, which would be painful at this point in the borderline cycle, and that has nothing to do with you.


That's good awareness and understanding, it will help you moving forward.



Yes.  The best thing you can do right now is stay here, post, take very good care of yourself and put one foot in front of the other.  It hasn't been long at all, and once you get some distance things will become more clear.  Take care of you!