BPDFamily.com

So, my girlfriend (for now) who has been living with me off and on for a year, is starting to get on my last nerve. I have tried to be empathic, I have tried counseling her, I have tried using reason and logic, and I am out of moves. For a while, she was doing okay, but recently she has gone down hill again. Before her rather short span of tranquility, she would have tyrannical mood swings from happy, to withdrawn, to a terrible, holier-than-thou attitude, to writhing on the floor; wailing like a banshee. (Despite all of this, she constantly maintains a very warped view of me being as broken; As if I'm some poor lost puppy, and her and her conceit need to come to my aid.)

She is now laying in her bed, crying, having been playing the same sappy, BS romantic country song over, and over for an hour now, and despite my best efforts, I can't get her out of it. She constantly tells me I don't care about her, despite me having practically snapped my spine in the process of bending backwards, not to mention she is a pathological liar, and she is just really wearing me down.

I hate coming across as one with the "White Knight" mentality, but the only reason I have her here at this point, is that she has nowhere to go, and she is better off here, all things considered.

Does anyone have any advice for me, besides, "drink more beer?"

That's a great line!  I can identify with that mentality.

Over a year ago... I thought much more like that.  Now that I've been at bpdfamily for over a year... .I have education and knowledge to do better. 

Can you post again and let us know... in detail... what "bending over backwards" looks like?

I'm glad you are here... .you are in the right place!

|iiii

Oh, I totally understand the "bending over backwards" thing.  I was more of a pretzel twist for years and lost myself for so long that I had no idea I was making things worse for myself. 

You've found a great place with great people willing to help you out.

Formflier, the fact that I have dedicated so much of my time to trying to help her, -despite her actions toward me- not to mention that I have given her a place to stay, speaks for itself as bending over backwards. I have continually tried, yet she lives with this fantastical view that someone who truly loves her would come riding up on a white stallion, long hair flowing in the wind, with a rose clenched between teeth, and would sweep her off her feet, and carry her away to Happily Ever After Land on the back of a rainbow-breathing, unicorn-kitten-mermaid that farts happiness. She can't wrap her head around the fact that love is a choice: An action that is the essence of putting oneself behind the needs of another, and that is a choice I have continually made. She is veritably capricious when it comes to her view of me. She either loves me with an, "undying love," or she hates that I am not physically affectionate/plastering her with praise 24/7.

The need to be rescued is a process, it has no end. She will not be rescued, as that would invalidate the need. Let her be, spent more effort on you and let her decide where she wants to go from here.

Be consistent so she knows who you are and where you are at.

Don't react to her needs or you will feed them

Waverider said "the need to be rescued is a process, it has no end"

Which would have sounded like advanced rocket science to me when I first got here.

I had a dog who was terrified of thunderstorms.   The vet told me don't try and console the dog during a thunderstorm because what you are really doing is convincing the dog a thunderstorm is the end of the world.

When my partner with BPD tries to offload her negative emotions on me it always ends badly,  of course I couldn't "fix" them.   As you said they weren't logical most of the time and it wasn't my job to make her better.  The harder I tried the worse it got.   It was a downward death spiral.

What helped me was to put some boundaries around what I would and would not do.   And then stick to them.

theglasshroom,

Excited to see your second post... .looking forward to more. 

How much time would you say that you spend trying to help her.

Could you give us an example. 

Maybe two.  One where it "went well"... and one where it didn't go so well... from your point of view.

Note:  You are going to start learning things here that at first may be challenging.  See below...


So... .some advice to consider.  Might be best to focus on posting here... .learning... .and understanding some concepts.

Then... .once you understand those... .try to apply them in your r/s (how we say relationship on the boards).

I'm glad you are here!   |iiii