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Having scoured this board, over the last 4 months, what seems a constant is that our exBPD's get hit with whatever feelings they have, much later than we do.

If they have a replacement then that clearly has an impact on things but often times their delayed emotions happen while still with the replacement. Even as things got more difficult with my exBPD, which wasn't too far into the relationship, it didn't result in a delayed reaction to my divorce from my ex wife, whom I spent 20 years with. Once I felt nothing for my ex wife, I felt nothing and the case was closed.

We get hit very quickly with a barrage of emotions that may or may not last a very long time, but despite my 4 year relationship, where I continue to love my ex deeply, while not completely out I am far far less emotional than I was 2 months ago. Little waves, maybe a short burst of sadness or anger, but other wise I am just getting on with it. I have come to terms with my decision to bolt and my request that she never contact me again.

It has been three weeks since the brief recycle and yes, there are moments where I miss her deeply and have to deal with some of my emotions, but I am content with the decisions made. She may never reach out to me again, which only works in my favor but it seems pretty standard operating procedure for our exBPPD's to be thinking of us, well after we have truly moved on.

In some cases it seems as though their emotions, in whatever form that might take, can sometimes be even stronger down the road.

I realize that there are snippets of reasons, the way they process, but I thought it would be a worthy of it's own posting.

I agree. At first, they are too busy trying to find a replacement and latch on to someone, so the excitement of the new relationship masks any negative feelings they might have related to the previous relationship.

When my husband had an 8-month affair and would not come home at night I was in so much pain. I could not sleep at night, I felt so miserable. By the time I filed for divorce I was already starting to heal. But for him, it just started hitting him when things went sour with the mistress and when he found out that I filed for divorce so he can't just come back and act like nothing happened. What's funny, he keeps saying the divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to him and that I broke up the family forgetting that every night I was waiting for him to come home at night and begging him to end the affair and try to work on our marriage.

  

Hope.everyone is being good to themselves.

 I had trouble with this one as well Limbo. It seems BPDers just  are skipping through life after a b/u.

Thats just what they want us to see and feel. This hurts us correct?

In my experience of course.  The reality of it is my xBPD is repressing (controlling) her feelings. Bpders are mastering this. To no avail.  (Feelings are all devouring for a BPDer) Once that pressure cooker blows it always does (watch your a*s) . no one can contain  this amount of repression.  (Look @ us  nons and our repressed feeling from child hood and how long it took us to blow.a.seal)

Just my take on this. Awesome post as.always limbo.

Newlife, sadly affairs are quite common (I only ever had on emotional affair in my marriage but largely because my ex wife (not BPD) was and I wasn't going to sit around on my hands). Where the BPD is clear in your case was that your exBPDh felt it completely appropriate to not hide it or not come home at night, but even more so when he seemed genuinely perplexed as to why you filed for divorce and worse yet, blamed you for the dissolution of the family. It's downright scary how completely, seemingly, oblivious to their actions and the impact of those actions on the people that love them most.  

Sadly, it was not the first time he cheated on me but it was the first time he was doing on so openly. He would have his girlfriend drop him off at my house in the morning on the way to work so he can get shower, change clothes etc.

Another funny thing is, he is actually accusing me of sleeping around and soliciting myself online (false of course and I have not even wrapped my head around dating and he is the only man I have been in 15 years... .).  I think it's called projection.

Sun seekers comment regarding pressure cooker - this is so on point! Excellent comparison. In my ex's case - I think the pressure cooker just burst open. My ex has been on this angry rage harassing me with hundreds of messages per day for 1.5 months (since our last recycle ended). Instead of trying to deal with his emotions and try to move on, he is letting the anger run wild and literally make him sick. I don't know the details but I know he is physically sick. I'm really not surprised with all his rage and not dealing with any of his emotions.

Grieving in reverse... .

I'm reading this with fascination as I'm working toward a final break with my dBPDw. I have been playing out the various scenarios that may unfold. Frankly, its causing a lot of anxiety. I spent 20 years worrying about the constant stream of episodes and rages. However, over time; no longer caring became my best therapy. Now its the aftermath causing the worry. She says she's preparing for the break, that we can be friends, and she will make it on her own.

I've suggested that we can come to terms that will favor her financially without lawyers and legal proceedings. But, when she's disregulated and in full fury the dialogue is quite different. She intends to destroy me financially and assassinate my character to anyone that will listen. I'm prepared to deal with those consequences but worry about what she may do to herself along the way. She's attempted suicide in the past, will not seek therapy, and sometimes uses it for leverage. I won't be blackmailed; not when I have maybe 15-20 good years left. I'd be better off checking out myself than live in fear another day.

I'm interested in other's experience leaving and ex-partner behavior.

Hey Limbo,

I agree with you 150 percent! I ended things with my ex bp waif/hermit seven months ago after 14 months of being together. The unprovoked mood swings, being painted black and prolonged silent treatment took a toll. When I ended it, she didn't resist. In fact, I think I was more devastated.

The situation is complicated because we work for the same company, but different departments and we used to drive to work together.

Anyway, lately she's stepped up the cyberstalking from our work computers. Goes out of her way to catch a glimpse of me or for me to notice her. At work functions together, she appears lost and behaves awkwardly.

She hasn't found a replacement. Relationships scare her and she ends up sabotaging them so I think she'd rather avoid them all together. My ex is only 33 and when we met she told me that she had been out of a relationship (9 years) for as long as she was in one with her high school sweetheart. So, it's a safe bet she's not searching for a replacement, but is experiencing delayed grieving from our relationship.

It's tough, but I'm keeping my distance... .And it's starting to affect her.

sixthsense

Yeah... .my ex was so so busy with her replacement for me initially... and hoping that I was going to chase her... .I didn't play her sick game ... .and in her dysfunctional world that meant that I did not love her... .Much later she started the drive-byes?... .plotted accidental run-ins... .she will most likely continue from time to time... .I don't think it means anything to her... .it's just entertainment for her whacky self in that moment... .I never respond or engage.

It still saddens me though. They do have quite a hold on us!

Limbo,

I think you notticed a common pattern but keep in mines it isn't always the case.  When I think back to my ex I remember it was I who had her ear. It was I who helped her make sense of her issues. So it is late largely dependent on who has her ear at the time.  Also the way the pwBPD goes about their smear campaign and how her support group that have her ear enable her to distort her reality.  So there are variables but the pwBPDs defenses by default will seek to put as much blame as possible onto the person split black.  The idea of the split black person and the split black person themself become the container for the unwanted parts of the pwBPD.

If you flip this around it can be easily seen that us "nons," attempt to do this ourselves quite often! Splitting is a defence mechenism common to all humans. A tell tale sign of splitting is black and white thinking.

For me it took seeing splitting explained from a few different schools of thought within psychology to really click for me. From the object relations school it is explained with the concept of projective identification.

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projective_identification

In jungian depth psychology it is explained with the concept of shadow projection.

There are Tons of threads on this very subject. "Grieving in Reverse", ":)ealing with it later", so on and so forth.

Here's my input: There would not be so many threads and observations were there not something to it.

While there is a possible problem with a psychological term called 'groupthink'; I watched a discovery show called "Brain Games" and they have proven that something really hard to guess intuitively by an individual like "How many gumballs are in this machine?" can actually be rather accurately guessed by a group of people! Basically, the more people that guessed, the closer to the real answer the group average became. Really cool huh?

How does that tie in here? Here's my two cents: I have gone through a TON of threads from years ago up to now. Always the same thing "Our ex's seem to run off and act so happy with their lives, then later on the grief hits them"

So here's what I'm saying. There almost certainly is something to this

Now what are the reasons for their 'grieving in reverse?'

Here's the common ones I have read, just to make a list.

• They repress their emotions immediately following the split but over time they can not continue to repress them, I mean literally psychology speaking their dam breaks and they just CAN NOT physically repress the emotions anymore. Literally they might want to do so, but they can not.



• The longer we go in NC with our ex's the more likely we are no longer a trigger for them, the more likely were are painted white over time
  
  
  • In general BPDs live in Opposite world so just in general this would follow that mantra.
    
    
    • Their impulsive emotions were why they left us. But when there's just no reason to be impulsive anymore (long stretches of no contact) they really have nothing better to do but sit on their hands and that's when the grieving starts.
    
    
    This list is not comprehensive but I think I summed up a few of the major points on this subject.
    
    Valuable thread. It is not the first thread on this subject and I would be damned surprised if it is the last.
    
    Hope I can add something worthwhile to the discussion.
    
    
    Reece
    
    

Sometimes pwBPD get dumped while they have no backup replacements lined up. With no enablers or new attachments that enable them to escape into a new "world," they have no choice but to experience the abandonment depression.  Once they find enablers that changes.

Always or never are absolutes which is a twisted thinking pattern that we can easily fall into when we are hurt whether we realize we are hurt or not.

Heres a link to an article about ten forms of twisted thinking

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

Reece this sounds on point.

Reece this sounds on point.

Thanks. If anyone else has anything to add to what I wrote out you should. I think it's a very worthwhile subject.

Reece what is it you are seeking?

What is the worthwhile subject? What you wrote or limbos thread?

Non's and relationship grieving sometimes have similar patterns with an ex partner with BPD traits.

Sometimes people don't go through the pain and start another relationship before the one they are in ends.

Are transitional objects and relationship grieving synomous with borderline personality disorder?

What I wrote was supposed to be a specific, poignant answer to Limbo's thread.

I seek only to gain knowledge on the subject of "Grieving in Reverse." Or as Limbo put it (but essentially the same thing)

Reece

I guess what I mean is you are worthwhile! We are all worthwhile pwBPD are worthwhile too.  Everyone deserves love!

Great post Reecer!

I think at least mine did they grieve in the r/s makes it easier for them that way none do this too of course .

I'm fairly new to these boards but not new to dealing w/a xBPDgf. On my 4th recycle and so done! However, BPD's it seems do grieve in reverse and that's how I kept getting dragged back. The first week for me after a B/U are soo hard and pummeling. I can only describe it as a withdraw from so many intense emotions/feelings both high and low. Meanwhile she is totally clueless out finding replacements after I've been painted Black. In each and every recycle after about 80-90 days like clock work I finally get my sanity and sea legs back, but she starts to reach out with so much painful emotion that I buckle. I cant say exactly what it is that happens, either replacement didnt work out or the fact that I stick to N/C but it seems she starts to reflect and ruminate after about 2 months. The first 2-3 recycles I saw this pattern and jumped back in thinking I was stronger, better prepared with boundaries and had this down to a science. However, as they say... when you play with pigs, you get dirty. After this last recycle I realized she is just far too clever (in all the wrong ways) and manipulative and she has me pinned in a weakened position after about 6 months. So this time I blocked her phone to both texts/calls and set up Google Acct to simply delete her know emails. I love her, care for her but after 2 plus years of her emotional abuse, her cheating and lies I feel I have lost a lot of my self dignity and esteem so there simply isnt any way I can do it again. Hopefully this will be helpful to someone that is tempted to try a recycle with a former BPDx. Someways they are predictable, but they always seems to get the upper hand somehow.

^^good food for thought

I'd like to add this: 'successful' grieving from this type of relationship ends with the process of detachment

those who do not truly detach continue in the cycle, hoping to deal with their grief

BPDs never detach

I've seen first hand that Cluster B disordered people do not detach. They normally always have you at arms length for whenever they need you. And my ex does not deserve love. She needs locked away so she don't destroy another innocent human being. That's very harsh of me to say but it's how I feel. People with BPD clearly know right from wrong. And I do believe they do grieve backwards from us for the most part. Yes everyone is different, but isn't it interesting how they all seem to play the same game?

What is the longest any of you have found that your exs reached out for you? Do they do so after having another relationship that fails or is it random?

Mine loses it every spring and I am afraid that he will contact me when this happens again. He has a replacement that he is splashing all over Facebook but he was on POF at the same time so he can't be that happy. If he dysregulates in the next 8-10 weeks like he has for the past 3 years I am scared he will contact me. Mind you he is on meds again so maybe he will be ok.

Usually he has a major blow out over April and May. I am not sure I am strong enough to resist him. Ugg. I need to move away and hide.

It's  been nearly two months for me and not a peep.

However to directly answer your question I have read a user on here who wrote that an ex contacted him after 18 years of silence.

They are predators. They pick "us" for a reason.

They are predators. They pick "us" for a reason

I know exactly where you are coming from. I want to tell you though that I am of the opinion, that we should AVOID these "us vs. them" kind of statements. They lead us nowhere. They are not Machiavellian predators cunningly planning out their ascent to power. From the research and learning I've done, their emotionally impulsive behavior is beyond their conscious control. Not to go too deep here but I'm going to go pretty deep here. Borderlines might have differing activity in the Amygdala (the emotional center of the brain), which leads them to these intense emotions. The "conscious" and executive function is in the Frontal Cortex of the Brain. Essentially, they literally are NOT consciously doing these things when they are emotionally disregulating. They are not lions stalking their pray man. They're disordered human beings.

I don't want to vilify mine. I am not perfect either. He is not intentionally trying to hurt me. He is just one big raw pile of hurt and he lashes out as he doesn't know how to be happy. I on the other hand do. I am grieving. I am sad. He is suffering in a way that only he can heal with the help of a therapist and meds. I wouldn't want to walk his path for all the tea in china.

After about a year, still in the relationship with the guy she cheated on me with she would attempt contacts. I disallowed them because of the way I had been treated.

I do not think she wanted to recycle,... .I think she was just trying to see if she could set the hook or if I was available. That was my read... .but I would not even say hello to her so I am not sur. if I was walking down the street tomorrow, and she saw me(only if she was alone), she would try to approach me with this look on her face like nothing ever happened. I am just not having THAT conversation. I love myself enough now to just cross the street... .it hurts inside emotionally... .but I take the healthy action.

I will not make excuses for her, mentally ill or not she went waaaaay out of her way to hurt me.

My ex-BPD girlfriend seemed to have no problem "moving on" until I, too, moved on. Perhaps I'm cynical, but I don't think it had anything to do with her genuinely caring about me or regretting what she did to me. She just wanted me to sit alone like a toy on a shelf and to be there if she opted to return. I think the only thing that bothered her was my unavailability. There was no feeling of substantive loss on her part. I could be wrong but that's my take.

I'll take exception to that and say my ex's actions were deliberate and planned. She began searching for my replacement back in May, possibly April of last year and yet she carried on with me as if we were still a couple. I spent the month of May exploring the state's child custody laws and going over the court order her exH's lawyer drafted word for word (a 35 page legal document) making notes and adding things for her to give to her atty so when they went for the final hearing at the end of May she & her kids wouldn't get screwed. As it turned out I was the one who got screwed.

By the middle of June our phone conversations had ended and all I got were texts. By the middle of July I stopped receiving texts. When I confronted her she "was tired" or "busy." For 3 weeks I didn't hear a word from her then on my birthday I received a card from her. In it she writes by hand, "you deserve to be continuously happy." Then there's a type written note filling me in on a few things that have happened and finally she tells me she has been dating men all summer and that she and her kids are "going down a different path now."

9.5 years together Reece. I get a type written note. Not even the courtesy of a phone call. And when I call her to confront her about the note, she sends her phone straight to voicemail. I can't tell you to this minute what caused this. I have a very good idea, but I haven't even heard from the gutless wonder except for her periodic hang up phone calls.

So you can't tell me they don't know what they're doing or that their actions aren't done deliberately. My gf had two months of opportunity to tell me she was going "down a different path." And instead she waits till my birthday so she, in her own words, could be sure I had a birthday card from her. It was her way of saying I'm thinking about you and I hate you. That's not someone with a wounded soul. That's someone who is evil and cruel and enjoys being that way. I also saw her doing it firsthand with her exH thru the years and even with her flame friends, the ones that burnt out in 4-6 months. How do I know it was deliberate? Three little words she would say on a regular basis "I'm going to... ."

And as for that horse crap about it not being conscious, well it's just that. C R A P.

Shadow

My ex did some deliberate messed up things to me also.  What I have come to realize is she checked out of the RS before I did but she made sure she had an attachment secure to avoid the abandonment depression of being alone. 

I want to apologize for making any assumptions I should not have made.  I hope you can accept my apology. In a nutshell your experience follows the same path of mine (albeit I can not imagine how hard that must have been for you after nearly a decade, please do not think that I'm trying to say that I understand exactly what you went through). Suffice to say that unlike some others, we did experience the gradual devaluation, time goes on and they become ever more distant, cold, indifferent with us. I mean that is exactly what happened to me. Others have just woken up completely out of the blue and their loved one has hit the road. But you and I bore witness to the devaluation. It wasn't overnight.

Listen, I want to say again my goal was not to say something that enrages, offends, or provokes you or anyone else.

I just want to avoid the 'us vs. them mentality.'  And that's it. Period.

And on the deliberate thing, I want to specify that what I meant was while a borderline is enraged their actions are probably not deliberate. The gradual devaluation that you and I went through WAS deliberate. And they who did it to us knew what they were doing but their moral compass does not point north.

So yeah am I backtracking on what I said? Partly, Yes. I shouldn't have said it. I do not have a fraction of the knowledge on BPD that others have. And my input therefore isn't worth what others' is worth. I know that.

I mean shadow my ex girlfriend got together with a male friend of hers and had him send through a 3rd party number a PORNOGRAPHIC picture of ME to MY MOTHER + threatened my mother 5 days after we stopped talking to each other and went back to school. Literally out of the blue. How Fu**** up is that?

Reecer ... .borderlines pick, or gravitate toward individuals that are open, honest, faithful and maybe needy or have codependent tendencies. I think that describes most of the people who share on this website. You included.

My ex might be evil, she might be mentally ill or she might just be a selfish mean person... .I will never really know or be sure.

One thing I am sure of in my case, she did exceptionally cruel things and enjoyed doing them. I know. I saw the look on her face while she was doing them. She planned them and was enjoying emotionally hurting me. I am sure of that. Not a bit of doubt.

I am not going to sit here and write excuses for her behavior and all her lies. I will not protect her an/or co-sign her actions and words.

I do have empathy for her damage and who she is. I get it.

... .but she definitely knows exactly what she is doing when she is doing it. She was NOT in a trance.

they know exactly what they are doing. You can NOT use a personality disorder as an insanity defense in a court of law. Why should we give them a pass. It's like saying (oh it's ok that your abusive and a pathological liar because you have BPD) that's victim blaming at its best. I have to take credit for my part and I do. But grown people know not to lie. Grown people know cheating is bad. Enough with this they don't know better bull.

*mod*

Folks, the theme of this thread is about the differences in the way nons and pwBPD process or grieve the end of our relationships. Please try to stay on topic given the subject of the thread, or feel free to start new topics about specific things in your relationships not related to the original post and its general discussion.

Over the course of my Rs with my ex little bits and pieces of her past rss and just general pain would arise she would be trying to make sense of her life and that put me in a tremendous position of power over her at the time.  It was as if she never dealt with any of it and it was following her around she would come sort of temporary resolution that seemed like closure to her.  She had split her exs white again although she didn't really have an interest in getting back in touch with them it's just she had someone new split black and visibly suffering and that allowed her to resolve that past stuff sort of but I don't think really it was just the person split back and suffering was containing that pain for her.  Which was her dad.

I've seen members come on here very upset and hurting then find a new relationship make posts how they are happy again and dissapear. 

I've also seen members in a short period start dating again and claim they feel better then find they are shortly after having issues being able to attach and just playing the field so to speak. 

So it's common for people to avoid grieving to completion by jumping into a relationship or even work or school or drugs to keep from dealing with the pain. The people I know that do the latter typically become kind of a-holes that have contempt for some "specific," class or group of people that they use to split and project their pain into.

Not predatory behavior? Get your head out of the sand (Not directed at you Blim, just used your material to make my point.). Referred to in the mental health field, in non professional vernacular, as "emotional vampires." Not predatory? Moving from one "supply" to another in succession. Not predatory? Needing said "supply" to survive. Not predatory? Whether they are in control of their behavior or not, it is predatory behavior. There is nothing demeaning about it; they are not being called an animal. "Predatory" is a descriptive and accurate way to categorize/assess said behaviors.

My BPFexgf is a person, a person that I love and care about. A person that I only want the best for. A person that I pray for. Her life is a wreck because of BPD. She didn't ask for that, and she doesn't deserve that. A failure on my part to not recognize, understand, and accept her BPD behavior as predatory only sets me up to find myself, once again, in my current situation.


Turkish,

I did not see your post until after I posted. You are correct; please delete my post if possible.