BPDFamily.com

Can so one advice me how to cope with my daughter who gets so low that she drinks and then calls me and rants about all that she thinks I have done years back and quite out of context.

She really rages over everything, I don't know the best way to help, talking doesn't get anywhere just round in circles

Hi Flamenco,

Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board!  We are glad to have you here.

The blaming and projection, rages and low level coping (drinking) can really cause us to be in a place of uncertainty.

There's a lot to learn about how to handle these kinds of situations.  It's important to understand what internal processes are causing the behaviors.  Have you gained an insight into the disorder? Is your daughter diagnosed with BPD and if so how did that come about. How old is your daughter?

I don't want to just answer your question with questions so I am including a link to some info on Boundaries:

If you click the link below it will take you to some things to consider and personalize for you and your situation.

Communicate Boundaries & Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm)

The links in blue will take you deeper into the understanding of Boundaries and help you make a plan to set your own boundaries.

Come back and ask questions... .we are here to help you learn and support you while you do!

lbjnltx

Thank you for your reply, my daughter has only just been Diagnosed with BPD and It  has shocked her. Usually we get on quite well but now she seems to blame me for everything, she rings round and tells people what a rubbish mother she has got. she lives in another country so the distance doesn't help.

I dread the phone calls as it's always the same conversation, I tell her I will alway talk but not when she has been drinking. she tells everyone that her family are not supporting her and she is alone, which is not the case, we all feel so helpless

I would be so grateful for advice on how to best cope with this.  Thank you

Hi again Flamenco,

Sorry that your daughter is causing such problems for  you.  Telling others that family is nonsupportive is hurtful for you.  We refer to this type of behavior as distortion campaigns.  Your d thinks in black and white/all or nothing terms.  Her thoughts are driven by her intense emotions and until she gets some treatment this will most likely continue. Can you see why it feels to her like she has no family support?

The link I provided to boundaries is to address her behavior of calling while intoxicated.  You have set a boundary that you won't have conversations with her while she is drinking.  That's your boundary and it's a good boundary for you to have to protect yourself.  Will she continue to call while intoxicated... .maybe.  Do you change your boundary because she is not honoring it? No.

Does your d call you when she hasn't been drinking?  What do these conversations look like?

I'm wondering if she has done her own research on BPD.  Have you had any conversations with her about her disorder and what her plans are going forward concerning therapy? How old is she?

lbj

Hi Flamenco,

I know what you mean about always having the same conversation -- and it is difficult when reality seems so distorted from how others feel.

How old is your daughter? It sounds like she is an adult living on her own, and she is using alcohol to self medicate. Did something happen recently that led to her diagnosis?

There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and these have proven successful for many members here. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and check with us to let us know how things are going for you.

LnL