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My now ex-girlfriend and I hit our first relationship crisis after 9 months of living together.  I was taking Prednisone temporarily for poison ivy and became uncharacteristically argumentative with her.  She left me after two days (total of maybe 6 hours of  disagreement).  We know each other as friends for 10 years and have been intimate for the last 4.  I couldn't figure out what I did that was so wrong until I read this article https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm After 6 months of torturing myself for my slipping up and ruining the relationship, I finally can understand what was going on with her.  We reunited 4 times in the 3-4 month time period and each time, I failed her in some way.  I was devastated!  

Welcome to the forum... .although I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. If your girlfriend does have BPD, everyone here is familiar with the confusing, exhausting ride you've been on. Read as much as you can. You will find that the folks here are an empathetic, caring group who can relate to what you've just experienced.

Hi stuckinarut, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult ending a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD). Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like no other. The aftermath of a relationship can be devastating.   There are many people here that are going through similar situations here and can relate to what you are going through.

I understand how you could feel that you failed your person with BPD (pwBPD). Learning about the disorder truly helps with these feelings. The behaviors of pwBPD are erratic, frustrating, and confusing. There really is no way of preventing things from happening.

Do you still think you failed her?

Hi EaglesJuju & JPH,

Thx for your supportive posts!

I'm still confused.  Reading "The Lessons" in the right column nav helped, especially Lesson #2.  It reads like my/our story.  I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't recognize the symptoms for what they were, particularly the narcissistic behavior (that I've fallen for before) and the lack of empathy (that I called, "a lack of understanding of the context of the situation that I was in".  I feel I'm still in shock that she could walk away so heartlessly while blaming it all on me.  It's all surreal.  I think this issue needs to receive a lot of attention in the healthcare community because it causes a lot of damage and reoccurs, so it seems.

I understand how you could feel that way.    Do not be so hard on yourself. When you become accustomed to a pwBPD's behavior, it becomes hard to discern.



I can understand how difficult this must be.   

The behavior of a pwBPD can be shocking when you are not expecting it, especially leaving.  It does seem heartless and cold. Being in shock is completely understandable. It is shocking when you are trying to sort out behavior that is contradictory, ambivalent, and confusing. Her projection (blaming everything on you) just reinforces your thoughts of confusion and failure.

Learning about BPD helps us make sense of the illogical. Also learning about our relationships helps us become more self-aware and heal.

Sharing your story also helps with the healing process. Perhaps you can share more of your story?

 

Stuckinarut... . to you... .  yes, it is truly a situation that causes alot of damage... .

You said you were friends for 10 years and then involved for 4?  when did you first notice that something was amiss in terms of her behavior?  I know how confusing it can be and that so often only those closest to the affected really see what is going on.  I know that with my ex, who is still my coworker, most people at work have no idea exactly how disordered he is.  A few do because he's not exactly hidden.  He has massive anger issues and most people there know that where I'm concerned, he pretty much loses all sense of sanity.  They just have no idea how bad it truly is - I had no idea either for a year.  And only then at first was it intense rage way out of proportion to the situation.  That was about 5 years ago.  During those 5 years, after that that first rage, there was only one solid two month timeframe where things were good.  Things went up and down and around and around... .  until they deteriorated SO badly that now it's just all very, very abusive if there is any contact at all.

I hope that you can learn from the stories here, find support here and learn to believe in yourself again... .  it's very easy to fall prey to them again... .hopefully you can keep your focus on healing you instead... .

I prefer not to share the nasty details.   As far as when I first noticed the symptoms.  I began trying to study what was happening when she moved out abruptly after the first conflict that I started (just arguing).  I had noticed before then that she had a bad temper about certain comments I would make and that she didn't let up, not letting me off the hook.  I never necessarily cracked the code of how to snap her out of it, I think when I just stayed in her vicinity, she eventually settled down.

I was also studying her impulsiveness and made mention of it to her.  She wasn't happy about that either.  It was only after she left that I saw the lack of empathy, the narcissism, the blaming, harboring, slandering and stonewalling.

I found something that reflects my experience really well on another site, called "A Shrink for Men" in an article titled, ":)ivorce and High Conflict People, Borderlines, Narcissists, Histrionics, Narcissists, Sociopaths and Other Persuasive Blamers."  The following 2 paragraphs nails it for me... .

“Not everyone with a personality disorder becomes a high-conflict personality (HCP). Only those who are also Persuasive Blamers seem to become HCPs. Persuasive Blamers persuade others that their internal problems are external, caused by something else or someone else. Once others are persuaded to get the problem backward, the dispute escalates into a long-term, high-conflict situation. One that few people other than persuasive blamers can tolerate” (Eddy, 2006, p. 29).

Not all Cluster Bs are persuasive Blamers, which makes their craziness, distortions and bald faced lies easier to detect, contain and redirect in a dispute. “It’s only the Persuasive Blamers of Cluster B who keep high-conflict disputes going. They are persuasive, and to keep the focus off their own behavior (the major source of the problem), they get others to join in the blaming” (Eddy, 2006, p. 30). This is why many Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics and Antisocials effectively employ smear campaign and mobbing tactics when they target someone—be it a spouse, attorney, court evaluator or therapist. By blaming others for everything that’s wrong in their lives they keep the focus off the real problem; themselves. This is nothing more than a primitive ego defense mechanism at play.

:sign_attn: Mod Note: Article Review: Shrink 4 Men (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238014)

Hi stuckinarut,

 For a long time after the end of my BPD r/s (she left) I looked at what I did wrong.  I saw a therapist for a few months after everything because my head was spinning.  He said something that took months to sink in.  He said things that you might think are a 8 or a 9 on a scale of wrong are more likely a 1 or a 2.  Borderlines will eventually find any reason to leave, it could have been buying the wrong kind of carrots for salad that broke the camel's back.

Recently I found out from a mutual friend that my dBPDex had every intention of cheating on me but did not.  This actually makes the crazy rage she had to end the r/s make sense, she was shot gunning anything and everything to make me out as a ass when really the b___ just wanted an out without having to be an adult about it or feel any shame for torpedoing an engagement.

She "just wanted an out." This was so much what happened to me. I can't tell you to this day why she decided to leave our relationship. And this is where I always end up. She was going to find anything as an excuse to leave. But the why is what makes no sense. She's possible BPD? Well fine, just tell me you've got to go. Instead she's just faded away then let me know via a note in my birthday card after 9.5 years she was taking a new path. How very thoughtful that her "path" which I had be merrrily traversing alongside her for all those years was really only a single lane path. I was never going to be considered in anything that had to do with us.

It's really disheartening to know that the fact that she might have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed the day she decided to leave could have been the only mitigating factor in her,walking away. Because I can't honestly find anything else. Except her controlling mother. And that's a whole other story.

Stuckinarut I really understand your confusion. We were having a great life and then pow! She didn't like the shades. Or her job sucked, or it was the best job, or she hated her coworkers. Or she loved them. Dizzying. And to be put out to pasture after engaging in this madness just heaps insult on us.

BPDs are emotional pre-schoolers.  We were dealing with people who are emotionally 3-5 years old.  It is hard to see because they can be brilliant in other areas, high IQ but low EQ.  They can't tell us outright because that would be a level of maturity they lack.  It would also require self-reflection, something that brings about toxic shame in a BPD, they have to protect their ego at all costs.  It hurts so much that a person that was in one moment so passionate could turn on a dime and walk without any empathy.  The thing is, there never was much empathy.  Everything was about filling a need, the r/s was just a band-aid on their black-hole heart.  When that bandaid failed they callously throw it aside to the trash.  People are only objects to a BPD.  We were no more significant in their minds than a cigarette, a stiff drink or a shiny toy.  I think what make the hurt so much worse is that we endured so much crap and in the end there was no appreciation, no loyalty - nothing at all but a sheepish good-bye at best.  Some experience much worse.  BPD's are at the zenith of selfish behavior.  Trying to understand them is practically futile because they do not understand themselves.  They are a maze of wounds that can mirror and chameleon into a mirage of a person with depth but it never lasts.  In the end the energy required to keep up the act is too much.  They become exhausted from having to be something they are not - and they jump to a new person to soothe their wounds, someone with less history that requires less energy to fool.

  I could have lived my whole life happy never knowing that people like this exist.  It kills me some days to know that the "love of my life" was just an illusion, a masterpiece of deception put on by a sick soul to ease their pain of feeling nothing.  I don't hate that person though, I see no malice in what my ex did.  It's just a tragedy of existence.  To have made it for any length of time with such a soul means that we have great hearts.  Only those with true greatness and compassion could last.  Take heart in that.  We got a raw deal but we are great.  In time, after healing, we can give that greatness first to ourselves and after that perhaps we can find a healthy heart to share with. 

I had so many strong thoughts about my experience as it was winding down (I am now just over 6 months out from a failed BPD engagement), and one of my strongest was this (your quote above).  How does this BPD issue not receive more limelight?  It should.  It's like this should be taught in school right along with HIV/AIDS, etc.  BPD is just such an awful, awful thing and without a doubt its manifestations cause negative rippling effects throughout society.  I will make sure that anyone I get very close to in my life or who I care about greatly is aware of BPD.  I will teach my children one day (if I have children).  My hope also is that the Internet (including forums like this) can help spread some awareness.  When you are more removed from this all, perhaps you'll feel comfortable coming back here and sharing your story more fully as a warning for others.  The crazy part is seeing how shockingly similar your own story is to the countless stories already posted. 

Hang in there, 6 months out and you'll be an entirely different, better person.  We grateful that you didn't lose more.     

Thank you all for your comments and support!  This site has been a great source of information and the forum has been a comfort to my wounded soul.

The most helpful article for me, so far, on BPD family.com has been "Surviving a Break-up When Your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder."  I've shared it with several of my closest supporters/caregivers.  This article has given me a lot to think about and I re-read it just about everyday, so i can absorb the complexity (or is it the denial of the simplicity?).

My therapist was the one who called out the BPD, I had pegged it as Histrionic Personality Disorder because those symptoms seemed to fit her best.  It was only after my therapist made another effort for me to see it her way that I realized it was BPD.  She said, "It's not what you think is wrong with her that you need to think about, you need to think about what you're feeling. If you look at the symptoms of co-dependence on BPD, you'll understand that what you've been feeling fits there and then you can start to break it all down."  Well she was right, I was a little slow on the uptake.

My therapist also pointed out that the BPD is often a manifestation of an underdeveloped Super Ego (hence the character flaws of lying, impulsiveness, blaming, narcissism... . ).  The Super Ego begins developing at the age of 5.  If some trauma occurs, it can inhibit or even halt development of the Super Ego so the individual never develops the moral compass needed for an intimate relationship.  I haven't found any articles that support this hypothesis, but it makes a lot of sense to me right now so I'm running with it.  I'm going to guess my woman/girlfriend/fiancee/best friend/soulmate/girl of my dreams had her Super Ego stunted at no later than 12 years old and perhaps much earlier.

Peace & love to all!

Still stuckinarut, but working through it.

Dear Friends,

We share so much in common.  Thank you for your support and by reading about the many emotional experiences (tragedies) on this site, It helps me to understand the "commonality" of the disorder.  It's like the measles, the BPDer is going to get a rash and they're not going to feel well for awhile... .the symptoms of this disorder are truly "boilerplate"

Awhile ago on this string, someone had posted their support of my comments re improving awareness of BPD in the healthcare community.  Since it has no drug treatment, gets little funding, the BPDers are unaccountable and even when they go to therapy, they walk out when they hear that they're responsible for anything (never mind everything!), there's very little progress toward a remedy.  I have good news (news to me)!   May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month!

I'll be pasting this "good news' on my LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest Accounts starting on May 1!

From borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com:

[May is BPD Awareness Month: See What You Can Do

BPD Awareness Month downloads: www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/BPD-awareness-month/

Download this poster and display and share with others. ]

No doubt, the difficulty in diagnosing this disorder probably at least triples its true incidence (or more, in my humble opinion - when I look back on my life, having been often vulnerable to narcissists, I now realize I've experienced a BPDer at least twice before, but I got off easy, because I hadn't been involved for a long-time)!  Not only that, the BPDers do it time-and-again to new, unsuspecting innocent victims!  They move from relationship to relationship complaining about the most recent one to garner sympathy and support for the new victim.  I wish I'd known more about it.  In this most recent disaster, I had written my complaints about our relationship on a piece of paper, but put them aside as incidental issues that would work themselves out over time (as any loving, loyal, good friend and lover would).  I've recovered these notes and they match up exactly to the boilerplate of BPDer symptoms!  Holy Moly! As Eddie Vedder sings in "I'm Open", "... .if he only knew now what he knew then"

Yes, I'm still stuck in a rut, but no longer ashamed!  I'm happy to have survived the most unnerving and expensive crisis of my life over these past 7 months.  I've experienced a loss of faith in love, friendship, truth, justice, (the American Way), law enforcement, character, the medical community, support groups... .and more.  I learned that BPDers and their enablers (my former friends & co-workers, in this case) are zombies (imbeciles), shallow and their judgement is limited to their misguided, one-dimensional perceptions (i.e. breast implants).  The (false) need/claim by the BPDer to be rescued; accompanied by the blonde hair, the short skirts and the mighty breast implants; win out over the big bad man every time, especially when the big bad man has accommodated the blondie for 4+ years in every way.  Why not defile him and falsely accuse him, turn love to hate, truth to lies (from the Bible)?  He didn't see it coming, you already know how to exploit his virtue and character, why not play it for all it's worth and gain overwhelming support for yourself, you BPD freak (I'm not bitter)?  it's comforting to know that this sociopathic behavior will be exposed more readily some day.  I pledge to do all I can to help with the awareness, the calling out of the implications to the innocent and the aid in the comforting of the many victims!

I'll look forward to meeting the true love of my life, soon, and showing her the appreciation I'll have that she's (hopefully) normal and loving!  Peace to all.  Hope abounds, God is listening (i'm pretty sure he/she is, anyway)!

I share many remarkably similar thoughts.  If you think it is safe for you to do so, good idea regarding posting a couple links as you describe.  I plan to do this in maybe 5 years or so (when I think it would be safer for me).   

"We were having a great life and then pow! She didn't like the shades. Or her job sucked, or it was the best job, or she hated her coworkers. Or she loved them. Dizzying. And to be put out to pasture after engaging in this madness just heaps insult on us."

With this type of external locus of control how can there ever be any stability? No one controls all of the people, events, circumstances, situations, etc. that surrounds them. This type of placing blame on external factors allows anyone to never recognize/own their own flaws/shortcomings. It is a maladapted defense mechanism of  professional victimhood which allows for errantly coping with all displeasures/disappointments in life.