BPDFamily.com

Well, I haven't posted on here in a long time... .why?  because I've made really good strides at detaching.  I found a behavior addiction therapist - because I realized that I was and apparently still am VERY addicted to the merry go round with my ex-uBPD-bf.  For anyone who doesn't know my background with him, it's been very tumultuous.  It deteriorated to the point of constant name calling, degradation and flat out abuse from him.  100% of our communications has been him doing this since December now.  So we haven't had much communication finally.  That said, the longest we've gone is 2 weeks - and that's where we were as of today... .until he texted me and told me that he's going to buy an engagement ring this week so he can propose to someone next month while they are on vacation.

Number one... .to WHOM?  someone he met two moths ago ?   or maybe it was really 6 months ago and he was just lying the whole time.  Who the f knows.  Maybe it was one of the 5 different girls whose photos of them in various stages of undress that he texted to me last month to tell me how I don't compare.  Maybe it was one of the girls whose pix he texted from eharmony over the last 6 months.  Who freaking knows.

I thought I was strong again.  I have been going out with friends.  SLEEPING again.  Today?

It's like the rug was pulled out from under me... .   I lost it.  LOST IT. 

I can't even say I feel like I'm back to square one.  I feel like I'm not even UP to square one now.

Wow.  I cried ALL day.  I freaking BEGGED him to be with me again.

UGH.  I can't believe the pain can be THIS bad again.  It sucks.

Sorry to vent here.  I'm just in so much pain... .  I've read this exact story from many others on here - finding out their ex gets engaged so quickly.  And yet I find myself mind boggled... . 

I could just use a little support and reminders that it will get better... .days like today, I find myself feeling like maybe I will never escape his control over my emotions... .   :'(

I think I remember you work together Take, but it is absolutely not OK for someone to treat you like:


And putting up with it and not standing up for yourself does not help your value for yourself.  At all.  Especially when you add
after all that.


 

It's not about escaping anything, it's about taking your power back and being absolutely clear about what you will and won't tolerate in your life.  If you're not strong enough to do that right now, which you might not be because abuse like that will wear you down if you let it, and you let it, then I'd consider getting another job.  Life is too short, time to take control.  I can't remind you that it will get better because it may not, unless you make it better.  Take care of you!  And I mean that in every sense.

Take 2,

Listen, when they get engaged and/or married THEY GET WORSE! It is not a union like us nons think of. The idealize and then devalue quickly when they have them under their wing. It is sick but true. Don't think he is going to be in gaga heaven. It will not happen that way.

My ex started devaluating me from the day we got engaged. He told me if he ever wanted the ring back I had to give it back about 2 weeks out. He quick having sex with me, told me he needed to date... .no, my friend. You will have the last laugh.

Hang in there, N/C. Leave him in the dust. She will sweep and be picking up the pieces of his BPD dust.

 

Hi Take2,

So sorry you're going through this  

I think he's trying to push your buttons.

downwhim makes a good point with going NC for your healing if he's devaluating and baiting.

Hang in there  

---Mutt

I'm so sorry, T2,

The devaluation and abuse continues. Did he have to tell you this? No. He's throwing it in your face because he still wants you to be responsible for his feelings. Despite the fact that you still want him and love him, you're no longer in a r/s (though being responsible for his feelings in a r/s isn't acceptable either). He's responsible for him, and you for you. Though this is a shocking and hurtful development, how can you distance yourself from him?

Internally, it's hard. You're still raw, and he's torn open what is probably a fresh wound. You feel what you feel, and no one here begrudges you that... Externally, there are steps you can take, however, while you process this. What do you think you can do to distance yourself from his impulsivity and drama?

Oh, Take2, I'm so incredibly sorry you're having to deal with this.   This is straight-up abuse, degradation, and devaluation. You don't deserve this at all.

I empathize with you so much. I, too, begged for my exBPDbf to not leave me, to take me back, even after the abuse and devaluation. I made strides in healing, then was thrown for a horrible loop when I learned he was engaged to my replacement. (And that they've been engaged since only 2 months after we broke up.)

But I consider myself fortunate - even though we've been in contact since the breakup, he hasn't blamed, degraded, or abused me in our communications. I can't even imagine how painful your situation is. I mean, my exbf is an ass (and he'll be the first to call himself that), but the stuff your ex has done is a whole different level. I'm so sorry. 

He definitely sounds like he's trying to push your buttons, like Mutt said. And your wounds are still raw enough that it's easy for him to do so. He knows this. He's taking actions to try to keep you in a state of emotional turmoil.

He's pushing buttons... .tearing open a fresh wound, as Turkish said... .so yes, right now I know it feels like he has control over your emotions. But the beautiful truth is that your emotions are yours alone. It's hard for you to get back in touch with yourself, though, while you're having to deal with his behavior.

I can promise you that it does get better, and that you will realize that he doesn't have control over your emotions. But you need some kind of distance from him to be able to focus on yourself, process, and continue to heal.


Remember that you're a worthwhile, beautiful person. Don't let him get you down. Take care of You. 

Thanks everyone. ... .  I can't tell you how much these responses mean to me. 

I do know he's just doing what he does.  It really isn't tremendously different than all the other awful stuff he's done.  I'm honestly just surprised at myself and how overwhelmingly the pain and anguish came back.  Addiction at its finest I guess.

Several of my close friends (2 who I met on here!) think he's probably more npd

Frankly I don't care what he is anymore.   I just want the pain to stop.

He knows JUST when to strike me.  We do work together although I have started looking for another job.  I try very hard to avoid him at all costs now.

The cruel cold person sitting next to me tearing me apart as I sobbed ... .   I don't know how or why it still shocks me that any human being can be THIS cruel.

I haven't seen him today and hopefully won't.   

Back to looking ahead... .

I am so sorry you are enduring this. I dread the day I hear that news of mine. I can only say that input pain is real and valid. You are allowed to grieve at your own pace. Be kind to yourself. And know that you are worthy and deserving of a reciprocal healthy relationship. Hugs.

  to everyone here... .thank you again... .  it's weird, I had no contact with him today yet my head still feels so unsettled.  Not even just from the engagement comment he made.  Just from the torment his devaluing does to me.

I understand now how the brain adapts and becomes addicted to something so awful - but I'd had a good solid break from it and wow it's like I took a really bad drug yesterday and I feel hung over today. 

What can I do to distance myself?  Probably getting a new job.  I have kept my distance as much as is possible lately.  But yesterday it (ie, he) came to me.  Saying it's not that easy to find a new job like my current position sounds like an excuse.  And maybe it partly is.  I don't know for certain right now.  I'm not really clear headed enough after what happened yesterday.

There's a good article you might Google about pathological triangulation. The gist is that some very disturbed personalities can only make intimacy work with one person while compulsively rejecting another. Obviously little to do with love on either side of the equation. The article explains this to be a reaction to a very messed up childhood.

Tsking yourself off the triangle is essential if you find yourself in that role, which I think I did for a while with my BPDex.

Take, Im so sorry for your pain. Now, for the tough love. So freakin what. Yippeee skippy, he's engaged. Not your problem, its the replacements problem. He's trying to push your buttons and get a response as they totally love that. As everyone says, leave him in the dust. As with my ex gf and your ex, they lost the chance to have a kind, considerate, loving person in their life. Their choice, they have to live with it. As for us? We have a mission to put this behind us and find ourselves again before love can find us. Dont worry, we will save a place for our replacements her at the forum when they get put through the grinder. Hold your head high and dont look back

So yesterday he tried claiming he does not have a girlfriend... .  seriously.  He thinks I am THAT stupid... .

He went back to tormenting me with what a wonderful person she is and how horrible I am later on when I wasn't responding... .

Then today... .?   He asks if he can talk to me at work (because I didn't reply to his texts)

And get this... .   he gives me this HUGE apology, like I haven't heard pretty much EVER from him.

Wants to be able to co exist at work with peace, blahblahblahblahblah... .

Two hours later?  I got called into the VP's office with my boss and HR... .  apparently someone heard the TORMENT he put me through on Monday, and then he smeared me on Tuesday saying to someone else there that I'm sleeping with his boss and another man at work (not remotely true... .) - that person knew it wasn't true so that person went to HR and reported all of it... .   I wasn't in trouble at all.  They said they are here for me. 

Coincidence that he reached out to apologize after MONTHS of horrible torment the day that I am getting approached by HR and executives about him harrassing me?

I'm so freaking tired.  Maybe now it will stop.  CAN it STOP if I am there ?

I hope you burst into tears in the HR office and told them you were being abused and bullied. Because my dear you are. Let them know just how bad its been. They have a legal responsibility to protect you from abuse. Make them. I am so sorry you are enduring this. Its not you. I promise. I think screen shooting all texts and forwarding them to HR along with all emails is an excellent place to start. I refuse to communicate except by email with my ex now. I want a paper trail. I want concrete evidence. I am sick of the lies and gas lighting. So evidence I shall gather. So must you. Your job and sanity depend on it. Meanwhile we all are here for you. Hugs.   

Actually I did burst into tears and told them about much of the abuse... . :'(      After everything I told them, the HR rep gave me her cell phone number and wanted me to call her because of my fears regarding retaliation from him.  He didn't retaliate against me - but now I know why.  Because the HR matter isn't really about us at all - his own boss reported him to HR for something - I don't even know what.  I think the situation with me was an aside that came up as a result of their investigation.  

His apology to me earlier that day?  100% calculated on his part.  Months of 100% hatred toward me and suddenly he apologizes the day he gets reported to HR?  Um, no.  I'm sick over it.  Sick because my heart still pulls for him - and he's been truly, truly awful to me.  Shows how much work I have to do on detaching from him.  

What sickens me almost as much?  I realize how that HIS boss manipulated me also this week - that guy rarely talks to me - and yet he clearly came to my desk and talked to me about music - to anger my ex.  

I can't handle the torment anymore - and at least shouldn't have to at work now - as we won't be having ANY more communication there.  But I am appalled (sp?) that his boss used me as a pawn to get my ex to react.

And react he did.  BIG TIME.  

SUCH a twisted mess.  I don't know if I should tell the HR rep that the boss is manipulating the situation or not.

I guess not?  I just want to do my freaking job.  I am debating it.  I want to just stay out of it.  But part of me suspects that both of them will attempt to use me again - I KNOW my ex will.  I have no doubt of that.  I don't want his boss trying to pretend to be friendly to me though to piss off a VERY disordered guy who I am struggling to detach from. 

That's the only reason I am debating talking to HR more.  I don't know.  I'm too tired and overwhelmed from it to think straight.

I'm SO glad it's the weekend... .

Believe me marriage etc as a rule is the start of the end of days... .it's a power thing to them