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Has anyone managed to rebuild R/S and trust after physical abuse from a BPD partner who agrees to get professional help?

Hello, Loosestrife 

I haven't had any physical abuse in my marriage, but my Husband did have an affair that lasted 2.5 years before he finally realized his mistake and broke that off.

We had been married just 11 years when the affair started, and it was the most turbulent time of our relationship, and was the most tragic and traumatic time of my whole life. My heart literally felt torn into bits for so long, that I really never thought our relationship would survive.

It is promising that your partner is willing to get help, and that is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, I think... .When someone is traumatized by abuse--physical like you are talking about, or emotional abuse like mine was--it is tough to work through that, to get the trust back. But it is not impossible.

My Husband and I will be celebrating our 41 year Anniversary this Spring. We are still together, and very happy... .And most of the time, I don't even think of his affair at this point, though I doubt I will ever forget it... .

I don't think there is any single answer to this.  Trust has to be rebuilt.  A lot depends on if they continue to be trustworthy and how easy it is for you to extend grace.  Time will help the healing, but I'm guess the amount of time is different for every couple and set of circumstances. 

How long ago was the physical abuse?

I am struggling with this now.  Not physical abuse, but emotional abuse, usually taking place during a rage.  My uBPDh desperately wants me to forgive him for years of this and for me to be open and vulnerable with him.  I've made it clear that I understand he is working on his stuff but he's not to the point where he can recognize his triggers and the building of a rage.  And I know that he can't just stop that from happening altogether, but I can enact a boundary that if he is raging he has to leave my presence.  He has agreed for a long time, but when push comes to shove, he doesn't follow through.  This was such an important boundary for me that this past weekend when he raged and refused to leave, I called him on it and he had to pack a bag and leave.  For a week for now but might be longer.  I've made it crystal clear to him that my own work on myself, including healing enough from the past rages and move forward towards a healthy relationship, the rages can't keep happening in my presence as the damage just keeps building.  I'm very proud of myself for enforcing my boundary because in the past I've stated similar boundaries but never followed through. 

I'm currently working on this myself.  Although the physical abuse from uBPDw has only occurred twice I've found it particularly traumatizing.  It is also  a significant trigger for me due to my BPD mother inflicting both physical and emotional abuse.  There are still times I lie awake at night due to fear of an attack if I were to fall asleep, this from the incidents with uBPDw. While I believe our R/S can rebuild, it depends mostly on me enforcing my boundaries.    Just my perspective.

6 months ago

I can relate to this. My T says if someone has been violent once then they have to calcite to do it again. I suppose your 2 x supports that.

Hi Loosestrife,

not sure trust can be re-build. Not sure trust can be build in any case. More thinking trust is a growing or growing back again.

Before trust can grow back some conditions have to be met. First of all you need to feel safe. Safe enough to be ok with being somewhat vulnerable again. In order to get to that place obviously the abuse need to have stopped. While it may be great if it stopped through T it may be even better from a feeling safe perspective if you had first hand experience with boundaries that let you feel somewhat confident in your ability to stop abuse.

Can you trust again? Not sure if you make trust a black and white thing. I trust my wife in areas again where I stopped trusting her. In some areas I'm still careful. Frankly I don't trust myself too much in some areas - put a bowl of delicious food in front of me and tell me not to look at it and you'll understand  . Trusting is letting go of control, implies some vulnerability and letting the person with trust act in areas we exclude others with boundaries. That does not mean dropping all boundaries.

I found going back to the way I trusted in the past impossible. I also think in a way I was a bit naive in the past and don't want to go back. I now think differently about trust in all relationships.