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After being on a five year roller coaster with the man I love, I almost lost myself. I am so good at self sacraficing that I have no confidence in myself anymore, but things got to abusive. I had to leave. I felt that if I was any kind of mother, I needed to get out for my four year old daughters sake. Within the first year of marrraige he began using heroine, then jail and it ended with him becoming clean but still lying and manipulating me til the end. No one I talk to understands why I still love him or try to keep him involved with his daughters life, except my councilor. I am trying to come to terms and rebuild my life but I just feel lost, defeated, and alone.   

I am sorry. We are here with you. You are stronger than you know.

Hello there, nikki, and welcome to bpdfamily. You'll find many people here who understand.

I'm so sorry you feel lost, defeated, and alone.  The end of these relationships is painful and difficult, and leaves behind a lot of confusion and emotional debris. You've been through a lot with your ex, and it will take time to process, detach, and heal.

Like hope said, you are stronger than you know. It will get better. These relationships often strip us to our cores, but they give us the beautiful opportunity to rebuild and become wiser, stronger, and more loving towards ourselves.

I'm glad you have a counselor who sounds helpful and supportive.  |iiii

How is your daughter doing?

Keep posting - it's so therapeutic to talk - and take care of yourself.   We're all here for you.

Welcome to this very supportive family, nikki1.  I join along with hope2727 and HappyNihilist.  

We all have had our challenges with BPD people and relationships.  I can relate to your "struggling with the weight of the world" too.  I have been there and done that a few times in my life.  It is not a fun place to be at all.  You mentioned that you almost lost yourself.  The good news is that you did not totally lose yourself and that you are able to move forwards.  Hopefully we can provide you with the necessary support and educational tools for you to be able to do this.  

I am really glad to hear that you have removed yourself and your four year old daughter from the abusive environment with your husband.  Both you and your daughters safety and protection is of utmost importance here.  Abusive mistreatment wears down self-esteem and confidence in the people being abused.  You have more strength and courage than you may realize to actually pick up and leave with your daughter the way that you did.  For this I applaud you.

Your husband sounds very troubled, which has gotten him into various matters of concern.  He desperately needs to get help via councelling/therapy.  Is he open to get help?

It is totally understandable why you would continue to love your husband and father of your daughter, despite his negative behavior.  Love is a choice and not just a feeling.  You obviously made that choice to love him.

There is always hope and victory over defeat from being confused and lost.  Don't ever give up!

Just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to our family.  

I also understand about wanting to keep him involved in your daughter's life, allowing her to come to grips in her own way.

How long have you been split up?

~DG

welcome nikki1  - you deserve a ton of credit for being strong enough to make that move.! I applaud you... .Good Luck... .Stay strong...

I loved the BPD in my life even though she cheated, abused her meds and was kind of a slacker. So you loving your husband despite everything, its understandable. We really can't help who gets the dopamine rushing in our brains. That's how it goes.

But you definitely made the right call. You have a daughter and you have a responsibility. I would wish you luck but that tends to run out quickly and in the worst moments. So I wish you the strength and wits to get through this.

Be well and keep posting.