BPDFamily.com

 Hi,

I have been married to my spouse who was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago. The symptoms have been manifesting for about 5 to 7 years and I just didn't realize she could possibly have the same disorder her mom has. DUH... .our problems have escalated to a place now where we are so far in debt I cant see how we can get out except for GOD's help... .she has maxed out 7 department store credit cards and made 3 personal loans and here we are with terrible credit and I feel like my life is falling apart to the point of losing my sanity. I'm hanging on by a thread and hopefully I won't have to do anything drastic like divorce. thanks, despr8 

Hello despr8, *welcome*

I'm sorry you are struggling with your wife. BPD is hard enough to deal with, and with financial impulsivity, more severe problems can manifest, such as you write. My BPD mother had (has) issues with money and impulse purchasing. For example, she had to cut up her debit card at one point because she couldn't control her online shopping.

Since she got a diagnosis 2 years ago, how is your wife doing with therapy, and how are you handling communication with her? We have a lot of tools here which can help you understand the disorder and how to cope with her. The out of control spending is likely a dysfunctional coping mechanism that she may use to soothe her negative emotions.

Does anyone else (such as a therapist, perhaps) know about her spending addiction? Does she even acknowledge that it's a major problem? I hope to hear more and how we can support you.

Turkish

I am so very sorry to hear that her spending is so out of control.  I'm going out on a limb because I don't like giving advise, but I'd suggest cutting up all cards and canceling the accounts so no further charges can be made.  Call a credit counseling group to help you negotiate payments.  I so hope you can get this handled... .I know what a position it can put you in. 

I agree with Rocky, I have dealt with all sorts of addictions and there is no soft negotiating your way out of this. The means have to be removed abruptly, she cannot be allowed the facility to supply her own need. It will create far too much stress and self control overload. This would apply whether it is spending, alcohol, gambling or drugs. It will occupy her mind completely.

Of course how you go about it will depend on her own degree of accountability and recognition of the problem. In all likeliness you may need the help of an addiction councilor as it will be hard on you, you will be under pressure, of that there is no doubt. But if not now it will build into greater collateral as the consequences compound.

The addiction will likely switch to something else the trick there is to channel it away from destructive things. Addictive behavior is their structure in a world of chaos, hence to remove addictive behavior altogether is to remove structure. The first task is to contain it before utilizing effective therapy to learn alternative ways of structuring their life.

It is a bit like heroin addicts going on a methadone program, it is still an opiate addiction but methadone does not create flow on destructive consequences. Once some kind of stability is achieved the addict can start to be functional again. From this place it is then easier to deal with the underlying addiction issues once the other dramas are off the table.

So step one: stop the access and means(stop)

step two: refocus the obsession/addiction somewhere less destructive(contain)

step three: professional therapy help to learn better ways to cope.(repair)

So sorry you are going through this   It may help to hear many of us here have faced the same as you.  Waverider offers good advice here - this is an addiction and it will take some work to see where you have control, where your boundaries are, and what actions you can take.  As mentioned already, you can't control her impulses.  But you can control her access to your money (or credit).  I should warn you that this process is likely to get ugly with your wife resenting and blaming you.  You have to hold the course, though.

For the record here, I just got married to my wife, and inherited her $100k student loan debt   .  You aren't alone in this. 

That may not work if she is getting cards without his knowledge. If his name isn't on the account, then he might not be able to access it and close it. Seeking legal advice might be a good idea to see which accounts are his responsibility and which ones aren't. Also, check your credit report to make sure that she is not putting your name on accounts or using your credit to get more stuff for herself. I think you can put some kind of flag on your stuff through the different credit bureaus so that nobody can open a new account under your name without going through a verification process.