BPDFamily.com

All,

I'm doing well. Things broke down between me and my now ex in December but had been on a downward trajectory for several months prior. It got to a point where she was taking a couple popular antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications and she was either in moods of total apathy, or (she'd never consistently take them) she'd lapse into instant emotional dysregulation. 

We had problems ongoing for awhile. She cheated earlier in the relationship, and I never trusted her intentions or long term investment. We agreed earlier this year to just give it our best shot and review things at the end of the year (2014) to see how we were.

There were identifiable problems. Mainly, no reciprocity, contradictions constantly, push/pull hot cold cycles, no win situations and just an imbalanced relationship. At the end of the year I brought these things up in a productive non confrontational way. I told her I wanted to work on things, and make our relationship better.

She would hear me. Even agree with the things I said. But at the end of the conversation she would never one single solitary time say, yes I will work on things too. It was essentially, this is how Iam I want things a certain way. And in not so many words, deal with it.

So, I broke it off. The thing is, she wouldn't leave me alone. I started getting the single texts, "hope you are well" things like that. I was going mad. Losing my mind.

So in early Jan, I changed my number after sending her a few texts that basically said, I need space. I need to end this cycle for the both of us.  She was very pissed at me about this. Yet again, more contradictions. She'd show up at my house crying saying I was cruel, yet when I'd say, You said, you wouldn't work on things. Are you saying you will then? She'd STILL SAY NOTHING OR NOT COMMIT TO IT.

Finally I think I bruised her ego enough that she started backing off. The thing is I never hated her. But I needed to get into counseling because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I needed a 3rd party to go over stuff with. She basically shook some sense into me that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I've continued counseling, and I've made huge efforts to eat right, work out, develop new friendships and get on with my life. I'm actually doing really well at work, and in general I feel good.

My question is this. For no good reason, I will get this image of her in my head, and with that, it triggers a memory of before all the chaos started. How close we were, and for a brief second I feel this shriek through my chest. In that single moment it's as if I seriously can not believe how the hell this person ultimately became how she was in the end. And in that moment I feel lots of pain and hurt. But then it passes.

Does this mean, I'm not healing? Does this mean I'm not fully accessing some stored hurt or pain that's still there? Or is this just a normal process of detaching from someone who once had a disturbingly effective command and control over my happiness/emotions and I'm still going through the withdrawal (which is a normal thing)

I'm super concentrated on healing and healing the right way. My therapist person is helpful but I truly believe that unless you experience a relationship like this, you don't fully ever "understand" despite all your education, etc. 

Do you all ever have these brief moments where the totality of everything hits you in one shriek at once? It's as if the moment I loved her the most, alone with the time she cheated, along with the way she devalued me and treated me so badly are compacted into a space no larger than 1 second in time, and that single second explodes like an atom bomb in my mind. The height of every roller coaster surge and the bottom of every roller coaster fall out are added up and compacted into one single thought. I can't really explain it. When this hits me, I almost have to catch my breath, and then it soon passes.

I have accepted things, I'm fully in tune and aware that she is a disordered person. I know our relationship was an illusion. I realize she probably never really loved me, and I know that the cheating had nothing to do with me as a person not being good enough or anything like that. But still, in that single vision of her, I feel the entire relationship in it's frightening differences of happiness/sadness all in one thought.

Most of the time I think of her, I don't really miss her. I'm thankful I'm out, and I know there wasn't anything I could have done. But for whatever reason, this bomb of emotions hits me at once, before fading again.

Maybe it's the lingering effects of trauma, or PTSD. A sort of flashback. I don't know.

I have no answer for you about why you get this feeling.  However, I can understand you - I get it too.  It is 18 months since my xBPDh left and I occasionally get a sort of shock when I think of him.  I still cannot understand how he was when he left.  How could he be so different to the man I spent 9 years with?

All I can say, is that the thoughts and feelings are getting less and less with time.  I cannot wait for the day when I finally don't think of him at all.

My question is this. For no good reason, I will get this image of her in my head, and with that, it triggers a memory of before all the chaos started. How close we were, and for a brief second I feel this shriek through my chest. In that single moment it's as if I seriously can not believe how the hell this person ultimately became how she was in the end. And in that moment I feel lots of pain and hurt. But then it passes.

Yes, especially in the first months of the break up - it could reduce me to a howling cascade of tears.  I had the hardest time letting go of who I thought she was and accepting who she actually is. Once I was able to do that, I stopped idealizing the beginning of the r/s - I realized that nothing was ever what it seemed. Then it happened less and less as time went on because I finally integrated the totality of who she is, both intellectually and emotionally, into my consciousness.

This makes sense.

Anxiety5 - you are doing really well and your efforts are inspiring.

One day, when you are ready you will meet someone who truly deserves you and can give you a healthy relationship. I think then, you will finally let go.

I appreciate the support from you guys. Means a lot. I'm doing really well. I had a harder time in my last relationship when that ended. That was my first "adult" relationship that ended in a bad way, and to someone I honestly thought I'd marry. We lived together 3 years. I think you only take a bad hit like that one time. But I will admit, I was worried I was going to go into that "funk" this time after a year dating crazy. But it hasn't happened.

I do have one question for you all though. I'm doing fine. BUT, I will admit, she occupies WAY WAY WAY too much of my mind. It's like I can't get her out of my head. I don't miss her, and I don't have any urge to contact her, or see her. I'm finally to a point where I'm detached enough to see it for what it was. Going back into that situation is akin to drinking poison. There is absolutely zero chance it will do any good and I will end up hurt. So most of the time when the thoughts creep in, it's not like they are sad or anything. It's just she's "present" it seems in my mind whenever I'm alone. She drives a common car. Everytime I see one boom, she's in my head. When I see a car with her alumni college on a sticker or something boom, she creeps back in.

Her presence in my mind is not torturous, it's just not welcome. But for the life of me I can't seem to shake it.

Do you guys have any advice for this?

Alas the mind is a terrible place but you will eventually start to think less of her BUT you must remember that we also have issues to work through as to why we got involved with such partners and look at our relationship with them as addiction and like addiction when you go 'cold turkey' the only thing you can think of and crave is your 'ExSo' to be like it was when it was 'good' stay strong you will get there 

Thank you. Yeah, I'm quite aware that over thinking it is actually what keeps me stuck. I've been trying to focus less on the insanity of our relationship, and focus more on my feelings. She hurt me. I was also totally naive to a lot of things. A boundary was what separated countries before I met her. I knew nothing of them. I'm trying to focus deeply on the way she made me feel. Really identify the way she made me feel inadequate, worthless, less than, crazy, and releasing all of that after I acknowledge it. I try to then focus on that awful feeling I get when I delve into all that, and just use that open window as a chance to remind myself that my intentions were good. I didn't fail because I'm bad or not good enough. After that I just try to focus on how this relationship offered me such a unique opportunity to polish myself up a bit, to really understand important concepts in psyhology that will benefit me in the future with friendships, work relations, and of course my SO.  That mix of acknowledgment, feeling it, letting it go, and forgiving myself while focusing on how I'm growing from it really takes a load off me when I'm done.

I notice my mind quiets for a bit afterward too. It's all convinced me that all the cliche's about feeling vs thinking really are true. You know that feeling when you have something important to say but can't remember? I feel like when we ignore our pain, an one day turns to two, etc we end up like that forgetful person in that regard. We are keenly aware that something is under the surface but our hyper fixation or distraction has temporarily deemed access to that information impossible.  Just the same as the guy who can't remember what he had to say, will be bothered and agitated by that which he can not recall, we become trapped in this prison of emotional baggage, and as time passes, it's locked so deep, you forget it's there, but are reminded when that gnawing feeling arises.

Anxiety I went through the same kind of ending as you,  multiple times I'd talk about reciprocation and that relationships needed to be a 2 way thing and she'd agree with me and say she understood,  then she'd not change at all. In the end when I said there's no point going on with thus she said she couldn't belive I was doing this,  and I said well are you going to do something about it,  show me something? Of course she didn't.

I also know those dreaded texts.

"Miss you"

"Hope you are ok"

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

After our first breakup before I knew she was BPD those texts actually drove me to a nervous breakdown because I took them to mean she must still care and that there was hope,  then when I replied I'd get nothing meaningful.  My body actually started to break down and it was like it was telling me to get away from her but any request for space was not respected and she'd be texting me that garbage within a day or two.

Anyways,  those pangs you are feeling are perfectly normal,  you are doing a good job "manning up" so to speak but those bad feelings,  I  get them too and it can be at the most random times,  the good news is they are passing quicker now where they used to get me down for days.

Keep moving forward man,  you are doing well.

When my ex broke up with me she wanted to remain 'best friends', and I sort of obliged, because I thought that I was strong enough to do it. One month later, I had to completely shut that down and go NC. She's messaged me once since I put up that boundary, about a trivial thing, which I responded to in an honest and factual way, and the answer I received back from her was inappropriate and passive-aggressive. I have not spoken to her since, so in about a month.

I have those moments too, where I remember something and it makes me incredibly sad for a little bit. Then I just turn on some good, trashy rock music and I feel a lot better.

I think that those memories are actually good, in that they are a sign of true recovery. Once you have them, you can begin to work through them. It is your brain processing the relationship. Let yourself feel them, but do not dwell. I find that the longer I maintain NC, the memories have diminished in frequency and strength. They have also taught me why I don't want that relationship anymore.

Keep chuggin' along man. You'll soon be much better with more time, and less exposure to your ex's disordered antics.

It's been a year since she made the decision to end it.  In December, I finally made the turn in my recovery to the point where I no longer cry every day.  I have more moments of clarity that being with her was akin to being with a porcupine as you never knew when you were going to get the needles.  She is still often in my thoughts but I feel more like you describe now... .i don't want the poison.  That said, a few things are helping.  One - i often look into a light and say there is nothing and no one between God and me... .I have to admit I out her before everything, including God, when I was in the throes of my addiction to her. Two - I try not to mention her or what she did... .I can get too far into being her victim rather than a participant in the relationship.  Talking about her just reinforces the groove of the pain.  Three - when I am struck by a memory or place or object, I inhale to the count of eight, hold 7, and release 8.  It keeps me present and reminds me to release her and my replacement as they both are in my mind far more than I am in theirs.  I want freedom and  i am taking steps to get there.  I hope this was helpful.  Your post and the replies helped me.  Thank you

And THIS is what i've just begun to "slightly" understand.  I miss the fantasy of what I thought it was all about.  The reality and the "pretty little thoughts" in my head are two different things that kinda blur into one another.  Now I'm working on focusing what the horrible feelings REALLY were.  Not the cute woman that wiggled her butt at me... .I gotta remember the gruesome woman that made me feel crappy more often than not.

I used to flip back and forth between these two "visions" of her.  Accepting the totality meant rolling up the bad AND the good into one person - simply accepting that reality, and not denying one "side" of her in favor of the other.

Yep. I'm with you. Once I got "out" I started going to a counselor for the first time in my life. There were so many layers of toxicity, and with over a year of zero resolution, it was like a nuclear waste dump on my soul. I figured the only real appropriate time to sift through them was once there was sufficient distance and space to ensure no additional layers could be added. I did some hardcore ruminating. One of my posts here not too long ago, was the culmination of that. It was our relationship as it appeared, followed by a real world translation of what actually happened. I still get the shriek though. I'm trying to focus now less on the thoughts and details, but more on the feelings. As you'll notice in my post, there is no town of searching for answers or questioning humanity for all of this. I'm past that and  far into the acceptance part. Less asking why, more trying to understand HOW it happened and where my blind spots were. I'm trying to condense all that rumination into smaller compressed thoughts vs a library of congress sized file of crazy. Condensing it into small singular conclusions like "The relationship was an illusion" or "I didn't fail to love her or to try to make it work, I failed to understand that it would never work and there would never be love from the very first red flag"  

I sort of access the broad mass data of all the nonsense I've sorted out by reciting to myself those small generalized summations in those fleeting moments where I get that memory, and that shriek through my chest. And it helps.

But if you think about it. Imagine if I had been in a car accident or something. All I remember is losing control and hitting a wall, nothing else. I'm sure in my shock upon waking up it would be extremely beneficial to learn that I got a tire blow out, lost control of the car, hit a guard rail, and ended up knocking my head on the inside of the car. I'm going to be ok, now I know what happened. I have answers. Despite this, it wouldn't make the pain go away in my injuries. It wouldn't make the potential Post traumatic stress ease just by knowing what happened. I'd get those same feelings of anxiety of the moment I lost control, and the moment I woke up disoriented. Even if I woke up in a cold sweat from this sort of flashback, just telling myself your tire blew out wouldn't ease the anxiety any. That's where the feelings come in. I'm trying to think less now bc I've done that work. I get what happened, I see my blind spots in this relationship and I now know what boundaries are, and how to trust my instincts if things are off. But I now need to access those same events, but feel the hurt they caused me, the anxiety, the on edge feeling, the betrayal, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the confusion. I need to access all that pain and let go of it. Remind myself that I'm safe now. That I got out. To release it all and forgive myself for what happened. To forgive myself for losing my dignity, having such little respect for myself. And to build myself back up from that pain I feel by accessing those events. In a similar fashion it's taking the mass data of what I now know, and how I now feel, and simply reminding myself in those moments where I feel that pain, things like "You had to have all of this grief in order to be the person who I was meant to be."

It's a process fellas, but I tell you what. I'm motivated as hell. All that energy of anger is directed into my survival now and I'm determined with every ounce of me to do whatever "work" is required to both live a full life, and to make it known that she DID NOT get the best of me. I'm going through an intensive period of internal growth, we all are. That's the best way to view it. And our former partners are by definition entrenched in such defenses that this isn't even possible for them. In the short term, they may go on like not a care is given, and we may feel lost or broken, but if we make the effort and we do the work and we refuse to let go of this crap until it is really truly healed and out of our system, than our short term loss is a gain for the rest of our lives. Meanwhile they will be pulling these same stunts for eternity, as we lap them in the quest for true peace and happiness.

If you've lost your motivation, use this as a way to get it back.