BPDFamily.com

So here we are again.

Short version:

6 month relationship

Discarded me

Replaced

Painted me black

I had nervous breakdown

One month NC

Tried "friendship"

"Feelings" came back on both sides, "friendship" didn't really work,  more like an emotional affair with some physical

Multiple falling outs and making ups

Three months of getting closer with no arguments

She tells me she loves me and isn't happy with the replacement

She breaks up with replacement and we recycle

She goes distant again,  I try a few times to bridge the gap but to no avail,  yesterday I tell her I can't do this anymore and we need to part ways.


The weird thing was there was no arguing,  she says she's depressed and needs to work on herself and if I don't want to wait then fine. She actually said she understands why it's hard for me. She did use some emotional blackmail to keep me waiting.

Before I would have waited but I don't trust her and history would suggest she's either talking to someone new she likes or is in negotiations with my replacement so I've been put into backup which I don't want.

It was just weird how there was no arguments and no follow up rage text,  it was like an amicable parting of the ways which is not like her at all. 

Anyways I'm NC and moving on,  let's see if it sticks this time.

Are you ready to move on ?

It is very sad.  They desperately want to fuse with someone but it rarely works out.  It sounds like you have given it a go with a full understanding of the nature of the illness and I congratulate you for it. I think we just have to accept that no matter how much we may love them we have to turn our back and move on.  Just as they have done to us. Good luck with NC Infern0. 

I ain't got much choice have I.

I also have to make a confession.  Last night after I ended things we had an Easter party at our flat,  I ended up sleeping with some random girl.

I don't know if I feel bad or not but it's nice to know I've "still got it" even if I can't make things work with BPD

Good one.  Nothing wrong with a bit of fun. Get back out there and play the field - you are now single and that is what single men like to do.  :)

It's funny because last time we broke up this happened.  It's like girls just know or something haha. Like I'm not usually into the casual thing but it does help somewhat

  Inferno

We.have all been there brother man. Last night I wanted to break n/c soo effin bad  but I talked my self down. I went to the local drag strip to race my motocycle . My dexBPDgf used to go with me. There where couples everywhere . And a bikini contest. car shows. It Just hit me like dam this female(my dexpbdgf) had a honest , loyal , caring man and she seemed to not give a dam. I had women coming up to me last night and saying hi nice bike and asking for rides.  im just not feeing it.

Sucks that I still care this much fpr my exBPDgf. Atleast we can have real feelings unlike our ex's. We will be ok inferno. Day one of n/c is the hardest but it a step in the right direction. Hopefully we learn something with each recycle. So our time is not wasted.

How many times can we stub our toe ? Im done hurting my self.

Take care inferno we all in this this together... .

This "work" that they plan to do... .it seems to be always so vague right?

"The weird thing was there was no arguing,  she says she's depressed and needs to work on herself and if I don't want to wait then fine. She actually said she understands why it's hard for me. She did use some emotional blackmail to keep me waiting."

Infern0,

I am sorry to hear that you slipped. You were rockin' right along. We have all been where you're at brother.

If you listen closely to her breakup argument she is the Victim (poor pitiful her with depression and all), and you are the Persecutor (you simply won't wait for her to get better). There is indeed a Rescuer/Enabler somewhere in the equation.

Stay strong my friend and work on bettering yourself.

You have many choices.

The 'choice' to be in a r/s with her where she doesn't push you away has been taken away from you, but that is about the only one.

You can choose to love-bomb her with texts begging her to come back. (I don't recommend it... .but the option is there for you!)

You can chose to sleep with somebody. (And did. Do you have any thoughts of staying in contact with her?)

You can choose to feel the pain and loss of this relationship.

You can choose how long you want to stay NC with your ex.

Your life is full of choices. Which ones sound good? Are there others you are thinking of?

In an ideal world I'd be able to work things out with my ex and keep trying. I don't care about the anger or any of that but when I get weeks of radio silence followed by a call from her where she just wants to talk about mundane stuff and not adress the fact that we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks... .

I do love her and want to be with her but there's conditions to that,  communication is important and I told her this and told her that if she needs a time out etc to just give me a heads up so I know what's going on and it'd be fine.

The radio silence is intolerable not to mention disrespectful,  added to that she is a cheater and I have no choice but to assume the worst and in this case break it off before she could hurt me again

Knowing her she will be back,  3-4 days time and she will likely call or text wanting to talk so I'll have to approach that when it happens. She's not a bridge burner and in this case it was civil so I imagine she'll be back.

So I really don't know what choices I have here because she won't communicate her wants or needs,  her attitude is basically I can wait around until she's "ready" or move on.

But I can't wait around until she's  "ready" because she's just as likely to suddenly announce that she's "met this really cool guy who gets her and she wants to see if things work out with them"

I issued the ultimatum,  either we try work things out or I'm leaving,  she didn't make any serious attempt to keep me which demonstrates I'm not important to her so I'm moving on.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand... .she's back.

She wants to talk,  doesn't want to lose me she's just been confused please can we talk... .

Hmm what say you bpdfamily,  what say you

Needless to say, the beast was stunned.

Whip-crack went her Whoopy tail,

And the beast was done.

she asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"

And we said, "Nay. We are but men."


oh and you know how the script is written... .how many times can your heart and mind take the pain? good luck

I was in exactly the same place yesterday but I was in too much pain to post. I received an email saying all the usual crap, blowing everything out of proportion and ending with 'I need to work on me'. I thought long and hard and decided to be myself and reply with a mature response. It prompted my BPDex to call and want to resolve things. Things are resolved for FOR NOW. It just buys me some time to make a proper

Exit plan that is on my own terms.

Like grey kitty says, you have lots of options. One might be just to say you need to take some time to think things through and you will give her a call on xxx day... .

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

She is incapable of letting go. You need to decide if you want a lifetime of what has been with her or move on and find a healthy relationship. Forget what she wants and focus on you  |iiii

It seems like she is incapable of letting me go and I'm not sure why,  she has bridge burned all her other exes and even friends. She ignored her family for 2 years!

With me she can't go more than a couple of days.

We are going to meet face to face as she's better at communicating that way. I need to think what I'm going to say

Don't be fooled re: exs and family. You can bet your bottom dollar they had the same treatment and the exs felt just like you do. A healthy person walks away from this drama, you must have some caretaking or codependancy traits to keep you hooked in (I have caretaking tendancies). A wise quote I read was 'the past is the best prediction of the future'. I now understand radical acceptance and I don't think it's for me in thelong term. Only you can decide if it's for you. I am very conscious that time passes quickly. Don't waste your life away.  Good luck tomorrow.

It seems like your incapable of letting go too, and I don't blame you.  You have demonstrated over and over how you are there for her kept in touch when she decides to be with someone else beat up that someone else when she decides she's done with them.  It sounds like it causes you a lot of pain though also.  If that's what you want then that's what you want.  It's dysfunctional yet it somehow continues. 

I think it's going to be one of those things where either you adjust and find a way to accept it or it become more painful than the return and you decide you can't do it anymore.

I don't have much advice for you about talking to her other than to remember that her feelings bounce back and forth... .and she tries to drag reality with them. It is what BPD does to her mind. The side of her which paints you black is no more or less real than the side which paints you white. If you are involved with her, you can expect to see both of them. Try to believe that they are both real and both temporary.

When I asked you about what choices you wanted to make... .you replied... .and most of your reply was about what she might or might not do or think. This jumped out at me:


Allow me to point out YOUR choice here:

Do you want to be in a romantic relationship with somebody who won't communicate her wants and needs to you?

Hoping she will change is unrealistic.

If you are in a r/s with her, you will have to guess what she needs or wants. It is part of the package you get with her.

Don't pine after this woman. I've recycled my ex wife 3 times, eventually on the 3rd we married. I am now so utterly broken by my experience with her, after having married, that I have been almost a year celibate and when women have made a pass at me I recoil in horror. In between recycle 1 and 2, I slept with other women and yearned for my ex wife, if I could turn back the clock I would NOT be yearning, only sleeping with the other women and moving on. You don't know how lucky you are to get out. And even my warning probably wont help. You are playing with fire and its you that will get hurt.

If you have time you might consider re-reading as many of your past 991 posts here that you can. Just imagine adding another 991 future ones about this woman?

Not for me.  Day one was easy! i was too tired of all the bad stuff to think about the parts i miss.  Once the adrenaline from being screwed over wears off... .that day is the hardest.

I remember a high school science teacher saying that a habit takes 5 weeks to form.  I would guess that day 36 of NC is when things get easier.  But i think its important to start a new healthy habit right away.  If you sit there and try to figure things out, you aren't really starting a new habit and able to let go.

Infern0,

Im right there with you bro.  Im at 2 weeks of radio silence from my BPDgf myself.  This time i told myself that i refuse to contact her.  She is used to me chasing her even when she is the one who caused the issue to begin with.  Our latest soap opera began when she told me she was too tired to come over after we made plans to meet up. Keep in mind i drive to her  place 95% of the time.  I told her no problem get some rest and we could meet up the next day.  Next day rolls around and she goes off on how everything is bad in life including me and that she will contact me later in the week.  I told her i was sorry she felt bad.  I asked if i could help at all.  She said no... .just give her space.  I did.

5 days later i get a text telling me she is moving on from me along with a bunch of reasons why i am horrible.  So... .it went from i love you and want to come see you to i hate you and never want to see you in about 6 days.  This cycle has been going on for almost 4 years.

But... .this time... .i refuse to chase her.  It only perpetuates her bad behavior and makes me feel like crap if i chase her.  Im looking to the right of this text box and see ":)etachment leads to Freedom"... .oh how true!

Infern0,

Your history with this person pretty much shows how thing will continue go. Do the 90 days NC and you will probably not want anything else to do with her. My birthday was this past week and I didn't hear a peep from my ex. The ironic part is that her parents, step brother, and his wife wished me a happy birthday on FB. Her family is always cordial and nice with me, they are good people.

I think that the quicker you end this cycle with your ex, the quicker you will realize that you don't need her in your life. Do the NC for 90 days and then evaluate the situation. Good luck bro!

Well its finally over.

She came to see me which was a surprise actually as I thought she'd try to put it off.

We had a civil conversation,  but she was still saying she's not ready,  doesn't know what she wants etc.

I told her that this had to end and she agreed and said she will probably regret it but she can't keep me waiting anymore. She said her feelings for me are real but she's confused and not ready etc.

I tried to give her some good advice about not pushing good people away and learning to love herself. We hugged and said goodbye. I think she dissociated at the end,  she went very glassy eyed.  Then she got in her car and sat there for a minute,  then she was gone.

If it can just be left at that,  then a good ending,  no anger or bitterness just civil and reasonable.

I feel weird.  Sad, dissapointed but also glad it's finally over and I can move on without any real bitterness etc. I want to belive that she did love me but just wasn't capable of making it work.

Let's hope that's true,  although the cynic in me tells me otherwise

Sounds like you are having some difficulty breaking away from the BPD dance.  I can understand - it's a heady cocktail.  Unfortunately it is playing with danger and I hope you get out before you are ruined by the rs.  Once more - good luck with the NC.

We are all here for you friend we all seem to be travelling in the same direction some of us move quicker than others but we never leave one of our own behind... .stay strong 

When we are severely mistreated (most times repeatedly), and we still pursue the person who is mistreating us,  we are sending a message to that person.  The message we are sending is this: ":)o anything that you want to me, act any way that you want, I don't care and I will still be here for you and love you."

That is seriously OUR/My problem. Entirely.

I needed help and I had to disengage 100% and find help.

If I didn't there was plenty more pain for me, with her or someone else just like her. It is soo, soo obvious to me now (I went and got help). It was not obvious to me then.

Agreed theres a fine line between being a good person and a doormat... .i kept choosing the later thinking i was the former 

Me, too.

... .I found out that I could change... .it's hard work, but possible.

She's not giving you good and clear closure. She's confused, and giving you a mixed message. Time for a little more radical acceptance on that final aspect of your r/s with her.

She couldn't be clearly and consistently IN the relationship with you.

Now she can't be clearly and consistently OUT of the relationship either.

If you are ready to move on and end this relationship, you will need some closure to do so. The only person who is going to give that to you is yourself. Breakups with more healthy/normal women usually include some help on the closure at the end. Don't expect it from her.

When you decide that you aren't going to be in a romantic r/s with her, it is your job to figure out how to let your heart catch up with where your head is.

In other words... .it is finally over when YOU make it be finally over.

Amen.  Tough, painful lesson to learn... .its NEVER over for them even though they may be living with someone else.  

I had to put on my Big-Boy pants and erect a VERY solid boundary called NC.   Then I could collect myself, and sort out the hell I had just been through.

Phew.

It's hard to go hard NC (i.e not responding ) when this time to be honest she hasn't really done anything bad to me.

It's hurting me because she's indecisive but it's not like she's dumped me or cheated on me,  just she's confused but I can't take it anymore.

Some on the staying boards have worked through this kind of thing with validation and other tools but I don't even know where to start and my head is so fogged I just don't know.

When I've ignored her in the past she's had panic attacks and stuff like that which I hate the idea of causing that when I could just say hi.

Why does this have to be so hard?

The whole situation sounds like it is torturing you.  You want a committed partner, who shows up, consistently and contributes to your life... .

You are definitely not getting that here.  Be it mental illness or just craziness... .you will have no serenity until you get away from it... .I get it.  Someone else out there can most likely give you what you are looking for... .this person cannot.   My situation was much more abusive.   ... .but in the the end... .its all the same.  I don't think that they know how to be friends... .there is ALWAYS some manipulation or drama going on... .They are not capable of knowing what friendship is and able to keep those boundaries, either... .Right?

It isn't whether you go NC with her or not.

It is whether you end the relationship with her or not.

You sound like your head is DONE with this... .and your heart is still confused.

The first decision you have to make is do you want to pursue this confusing push-pull romantic relationship with her or not. It isn't an easy decision. Be gentle and kind with yourself--it is OK to take some time thinking... .it is OK to make up your mind... .then decide that you can't live that way and change your mind. Give yourself some time and space to get as comfortable with your decision as you can.

... .then look at your next choices, which only make sense AFTER you are sure of your decision. [I'm going to explore the 'leave' decision since that is which board you are posting on]

Once you decide you are done with the romantic r/s, you have other choices:

1. Do you want to try to be 'friends' with her. (This is a tough one--if you do, she will continue the push-pull games and test your boundaries as a friend. But it might be worth it for you)

2. Do you want to remain LC / distant friends / acquaintances with her?

3. Do you want to give yourself some time to heal and grieve the end of the romantic relationship? If so, the less contact you have during this time, the easier it will be.

After you have figured out what YOU want... .then it is time to start thinking also about what the kindest thing you can do for her is.

After we broke up first time I did NC and got my head straight and tried to be a supportive LC friend for her.  But yeah she started to push the boundaries and we ended up back in the thick of it.

"After we broke up first time I did NC and got my head straight and tried to be a supportive LC friend for her.  But yeah she started to push the boundaries and we ended up back in the thick of it."

Boundaries only work, in maintaining a relationship, with people that respect boundaries. From the majority of what I have read on the Staying Board about trying to place/enforce boundaries with a pwBPD, they see boundaries as a challenge and begin probing them for weakness(es). Of course, the probing doesn't start until after the complaing against said boundary(ies) is complete. (Tell a child not to do something and what do they do?) As a result of all of this, they are still in control of the relationship. As hard as it is to accept, in most of these relationships, the only real power the Non has is to walk away. Ultimately, that too, in regards to the relationship, is a failure as the relationship is destroyed as a result. So, yes you can protect yourself with boundaries, but in many instances, at the expense of the relationship.

Boundary enforcement is a skill, and you can learn it. I learned it on the Staying board here, and have watched others  learn it as well. If you are really solid, you won't get pulled into something you don't want to be in.

However if you couldn't do it in the relationship... .you won't have a successful friendship without seriously upping your game.

It doesn't sound like this one is worth the risk to you.Is that where you are, Infern0?

I'm not emotionally at the stage where I'd consider friendship with her.  I am too invested and if she suddenly announced a new boyfriend I'd be devestated.

For now I'm going to try my best to stay NC  (I can not text her, it's When she comes back and starts begging me to talk to her that I crumble)

I want to do at least 30 days NC so I can clear my head and remember what "normal" is and then decide if I can do friends or not.

I'm starting no contact today.  I've tried everything in my power to change what happened.  I don't know if I'm being punished, but I know it must be nice to have a flip switch.  It must be a wonderful thing to not actually have to deal with your emotions and know nothing of the pain you cause to others.  I will say this:  I never understood the value of a rainbow until I met you.  Good luck to everyone in no contact.  I am starting today! I already feel somewhat liberated. 

I'm in a position where strict NC would be difficult. (Lots to unwind from 20+ years married)  I'm also fortunate that my wife is much higher functioning / better behaved / doesn't really meet the criteria for BPD anymore. In other words... .I can discuss filing joint taxes with my wife by email or FB chat.

Still... .the last time we were FB chatting without a specific agenda, she just let the conversation ramble around to mentioning news from the guy she cheated on me with. As if it wouldn't bother me or hurt me or matter to me. She hadn't told me that she was in contact with him again.

Unsurprisingly, I was hurt, and a little pissed about it.

Fortunately it was a FB chat. I (silently) enforced a boundary that I've had for a while--that I'm not engaging with her at a deep emotional level. My feelings at the time were NOT HER BUSINESS. So I didn't tell her how I felt. I didn't say anything more. I haven't acknowledged that I simply ended the conversation, or why I did it. (I suspect she figured something out, but that isn't my problem)

Anyhow... .that is a long story... .let me get to the lesson in it that I want to share with you about communicating with her: There is a range of emotional engagement with different communication channels. Strongest to weakest for me is:

Face to face

Telephone conversation

Interactive chat (Texting or FB chatting)

Email

(Things like what I post on my FB wall, or what she posts on her FB wall don't quite fit the spectrum)

I'm personally strong enough to do the bottom two, most of the time... .especially because it is much easier to disengage... .although I limit the interactive chat stuff. I've chosen not to call her on the phone, and don't answer if she calls. For now, we aren't physically close enough to make face to face an option for a while.

What has given me motivation to stay 'down' the list is that when I do engage with her emotionally, the result is consistent--I end up feeling hurt, confused, or crappy... .I often end up feeling depressed and losing motivation for hours or even days.

It wasn't EASY to not answer the phone, especially at first... To remind myself, I made a special ringtone just for her from an old Rod Stewart song. "If I listen long enough to you... .I'd find a way to believe that its all true... ." (https://youtu.be/XJylcQ7CGfI) I also gave her a special text message tone... .it happens to be the most melodramatic tone of the ones available on my phone. Since I did that, a fair number of the texts did live up to the 'warning'!

Giving yourself reminders that you are weak and are tempted to do things you know better than is very helpful.

Consider sending her a text saying "I need space from you where we don't communicate for a while." or something like that... .and give her a chance to read it, and even acknowledge it... .and if she honors that, great. If she starts trying to emotionally engage you, then block her number

I *know* that I need more time to get my heart and habits used to not trusting her with all my deepest feelings, not being close to her, not sharing everything in my life with her. It still feels weird, and I know it is what I need. Once I detach more, I sincerely hope I'm able to have a great friendship with her, but that is a long way off for now.