BPDFamily.com

But my ex, the father of my sons,  I don't even know where to start.   Right now we are dealing with a significant health issue with one of our boys than can be easily remedied with diligence, and prevent any life threatening complications and he absolutely refuses to get with the program.   He just doesn't seem to care that his parenting skills, or lack there of, could have and could yet, actually kill our son.   What's most important to him is that he not be told, especially by me,  what to do with "his son" (not "our son", "his son." and that he do exactly as he pleases to do.  I quote,   "As long as his sons like him."  Notice he didn't say love.   This week he has made it very clear by his failure and refusal to comply with medical advice and instructions, he doesn't care if his son ends up in the hospital, ends up having to have surgery, or even dies, as long as he dies "liking him."  That's not what he said, but actions speak louder than words. 

Hi mommabeans,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this -- it is baffling the extent to which the disorder will create dangerous situations for our kids. It sounds like you have joint legal custody? How old is your son?

I ended up getting sole legal custody because my ex stonewalled, obstructed medical and educational issues. It was exhausting, and I ended up in court more than I ever thought possible, but eventually the ship started to slowly turn around.

Sometimes when there is a serious issue, we have to figure out how to deliver the information from a third-party, like a teacher, doctor, or therapist. Failing that, we have to bring in the judge via court and lawyers. In some states, there are parenting coordinators who get involved.

It makes our work hard because it takes a lot of time and energy to get someone else involved. What have you tried so far?

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and let us know how things are going for you.

My ex too viewed our son as 'her' son.  The Custody Evaluator even wrote that, the initial report's summary included, "Mother cannot share 'her' son but father can."

Only a week has passed, likely this is still an issue?  Depending on the urgency medically and practically, you may have basis to seek "ex parte" or emergency change in the current custody/parenting order.  You may or may not get all the needed changes you seek, but it won't change at all if you don't try.

Some parents decide not to wait for an emergency, taking charge as appropriate and hoping the court will agree with the old adage, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission."  However, the court may not agree if the risk is only theoretical.  We know it is a potential catch-22 - you can't get authorization until it becomes an emergency and if it becomes an emergency then it's too late.  It's a fine line we walk.  But what you must fight is the feeling that nothing will work and it's a waste of time and resources to even try.  The reasonably normal parent is our children's best advocate.  As I wrote above, if you don't try then you won't know what's can get done.

Do you have the pediatrician or specialists on your side?  If they will document in writing the needs and how crucial it is to follow their instructions and you can document that ex has refused to comply or stated he would not comply, you you will have a better case heading in to family court.  And if there's any urgency, then you can try for an emergency hearing.

How old is your son, mommabeans? Can he communicate with the doctor about what's going on?

My mom almost put me into a coma when I was 12 due to her emotional dysregulation (severe depression I later found out years later, and also BPD). I remember slipping away due to severe heat stroke. Thinking back, I guess I still "liked" my mom, even if I was frustrated that she wasn't listening to me. If I had been interviewed alone by the doctor, it might made a difference, rather than the events leading up to the incident being filtered through my mother. At least, as the other said, it may be a way to get something documented.