BPDFamily.com

Hey all--

I have been with my partner for slightly over a year and about five months ago she was diagnosed with BPD.  I had never heard of the condition before but had spent all the previous months trying to rationalize, understand, and empathize with her behavior seemingly to no avail.  No matter what strategy I adopted things didn't get better.  At this point I have lost or damaged all my other relationships: to my friends, my family, my work, my health.  About a month ago I had a conversation where I said I thought we should take a step back to get perspective on how negative our relationship had become and try to trust each other and put our own individual health and wellbeing as a priority.  Since then she has repeatedly lied to me, started a new sexual relationship (throwing herself into it as enthusiastically as possible), and we still remain in very close contact of course because things are so ambiguous.  Twice I have told her that I now think maybe we shouldn't talk to each other (via texting or phone) because it is so painful (when she says "I love you" it doesn't mean what it used to because of her recent actions, and I know that simultaneous to our conversations she is starting this whole new relationship with another person) and ultimately not helpful for her as well.  However, she always talks me down and we stay in touch as ever.  But what am I to do?  I have lost 15lbs from not eating this past month because I am so depressed.  I cry every day looking at pictures of her.  I feel stuck in this impossible purgatory.

Welcome Gradus132,

You have come to a very good place.  The people and the lessons here have helped me more than I can possibly say to regain my life and my own peace of mind.

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  When I read your post I remembered how hard I tried to understand some of the unusual behaviors that were taking place in my relationship.  Like you I had never heard of BPD.  I didn't understand then that my partner lived/lives with extremely intense emotions.   When an intense emotional reaction took place I would tie myself into knots either trying to figure it out or manage it somehow. 

It's taken some time but the lessons on the right side of the screen really helped me.   I would encourage you to take a look at some of them and ask any questions.

You said your partner was diagnosed about five months ago?   Is she in treatment?   How did you feel about learning about the diagnosis?   Did it seem to fit?

I think it's a great first step to taking care of yourself to come here and post.   

'ducks

Hi, Gradus!

This emotional turmoil you are feeling is really a difficult place to be in.  Ducks is right, the lessons on the right of this screen can be super helpful.  I'm sorry things have gone so sour in your relationship.

Sometimes, when we find ourselves in difficult situations, we tend to get something called a FOG in our brains.  It stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt.  It feels like a true brain fog, like it's hard to make decisions, focus on anything for very long and just lots of plain old confusion.  I don't know if that's where you are at, but it certainly can be a tough place to be.  If you put FOG in the search engine at the top of the page, you can find all sorts of info in it.  It may help you sort out some of what you are feeling right now.

Taking care of you is very important, Grad.  Someone once told me that you cannot talk yourself out of feeling depressed.  You can only 'act' your way out of it.  Meaning, you need to keep busy, stay active and don't let that feeling of wanting to be alone take over... .keep in touch with others around you, share your thoughts and feelings.   

You'll get there.  Just recognizing that you are in a bad way is a good step, and reaching out like you have done also holds lots of healing power.  Good job!

And welcome to bpdfamily!

Crumbsy

Hi ducks, hi crumbsy,


We both agreed that the diagnosis fit perfectly.  For both of us learning that there was something behind all of the volatile behavior was a huge step forward.  Although she had been of course seeing a therapist (who diagnosed her) she then decided to take an additional step and seek treatment in a facility and was actually accepted into a program but then at the last minute decided not to attend (for totally legitimate logistical reasons that I respect and would have probably done the same in her position).  However, it was still kind of a let down in some ways.  Soon after she lost her health care and had to stop seeing her therapist.  It seemed in some ways that learning she had BPD was almost the same as fixing it, do you know what I mean?  Of course though, that wasn't the case.  So now for months she has the diagnosis, identifies with it, but neither of us has been able to stop our destructive and negative reciprocal behaviors (myself acting as the enabler).  It got so bad that we are living in separate places right now and I think on some conceptual level we understand that we shouldn't be seeing each other (she says things like she can't plan her life with me anymore) but emotionally speaking we are so attached and afraid of the other person abandoning. 

I get what you mean when you say learning about BPD has had a positive impact.  My husband and I were married nine years before we got his diagnosis.  What a relief I felt when I realized he isn't purposefully hurting me, it's his personality disorder (PD) that makes him do what he does.  He had about three months of steady therapy, and it helped so much!  Since then, we've made it through another year, and are fast approaching our eleventh anniversary.  It isn't all cherries and roses of course, but we are getting better at not hurting each other so much now.

You're right, it's really a tough process to sort out all the negative things we do to make things worse.  The "Before you can make anything better" link on the right is great for this sort of learning. 

Just remember it takes a long time to develop negative habits, and it may take just as long to reverse them.  Now you have a super resource, in this site to help guide you.  I would recommend not sharing your membership here with her.  It tends to bring up all sorts of fears and negativity for the pwBPD, but every one is different - just a precaution.  You know her best.

It sounds like a pretty mature step to take, protecting each other by taking time apart.  Do you have any children involved?  Being apart for a time will allow you to have space to do some self-examination and to develop more healthy ways of doing things, both in and out of the r/s. 

Have you eaten today yet?  Keep your body fuelled.  We all think better that way. 

(Please excuse my bossiness, but my motherly instincts kick in sometimes.  Just ignore it, if you wish, I can take it.)  The basics are really important, tho, and sometimes, it's all we can do to get by each day, just go through the motions.  If that's where you are, that's okay.  I've been there too.

Crumbsy,


We're both in our early 20's with her about to finish college---no kids, no marriage.  I did think it was mature to take a step back, too, but for her that felt like total rejection and so of course she has been engaging in a lot of defensive behaviors (lying, sleeping with someone else (actually a previous partner of hers) who she had been developing as a "back up", etc.).  So one of my concerns about the validity of taking a step back is that while that may be beneficial for me to clear my head (if it weren't of course for our constant contact via phone, computer, etc.) it seems like for her this is just a total regression into the most typical BPD behaviors.  I know that if we were call things off for a few months to get perspective, help, and support from safe sources, well... .she would just move on.  I mean we didn't even decide to call things off yet and though she said she isn't moving on she's already seeing someone else and says that she doesn't think we would be happy living together.  So it's scary to think about.  At the moment it feels like she knows things aren't going to work out between us right now but she doesn't want to give up close contact because it supports her and it's a way for her to control me.  I feel like if we were to keep this close contact she would just use me for support until her "back up" fulfilled her enough or was able to give her enough time that she didn't need me any more.  So it's a precarious situation.  Our relationship has always to an extent been volatile like this, it has never felt safe not for one second, so when confronted with all of our issues at a time like this both of us seem to be wondering... .is this worth it?  And even if we both decide no, neither of us seems to have the courage to take action.

Gradus132

I wanted to echo what Crumbsy said.   It take a long time to reverse the negative habits, even when you understand why they are happening. 

When I first got here people really encouraged me to take time for myself, to take care of myself, to eat, sleep, exercise and take a half hour a day just to relax, to not focus on my relationship and what was going on with it.   I hope you can find a simple small thing to do today to be good to yourself.   Treat yourself.

It feels like to me that these relationships with their constant push/pull get us so wrapped around the axle.  I remember it always felt like to me that in my relationship we were constantly breaking up and getting back together in some high stakes roller coaster ride.   It was confusing and difficult.

You said you felt it was a mature to step back and take some time to think things through.   You can still do that.  There are lots of readings and lessons here which help you sort through what does it really take to be in a relationship with a borderline.   

Hang in there.   

'ducks