BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I'm new to this forum - so a bit of background. 18 months back I started dating a woman I met through work. Quickly fell for her and her me. Lots of early 'I love you's' and talk of marriage - and plenty of evidence of a pattern of failed relationships, after 3-4 months, in her past. I'm a wary sort of guy who considers himself to be mentally tough, so played things coy regarding taking the relationship to the next stage (moving in etc). However, at the very point in time I truly believed in her and lowered my defenses, all hell broke loose: Distancing, triangulation, gaslighting, dissociation. A mind*%!* of epic proportions!   For the first time in my life I resorted to the internet to explain my confusion and stumbled across BPD. Basically, learning that none of this was my fault was the only thing that kept me from plunging into depression. I've subsequently come to the conclusion that many past girlfriends had BPD traits - but they didn't last long enough to hook me like this one!

My question is though, how can I be attracted to BPD females when in the initial stages they don't display these characteristics? I wasn't looking for crazy - but I got it anyway! 

My T told  me subconsciouly due to my own issues I let this woman win me knowing in the end it would end in disaster .

Healthy people don't date unhealthy people hard fact  :)

The good thing is these types of r/s can allow us to heal as well 

pwBPD are experts at attaching and it triggers something in people that feel misunderstood because the pwBPD is soo validating and accepting of just about anything on our behalf and reacts exactly how we would want someone to in our fantasies.  Basically filling out own inner void and allowing us to shine and somehow feel complete which secures the pwBPDs attachment.  On an unconcious level we see red flags but we are riding so high on the romance we ignore the red flags and continue because they "complete," us.

Blimblam

Totally agree that that was how she made me feel during the honeymoon period. However the initial attraction, aside from her good looks, was a lot to do with how together she seemed. I actually thought that I would be too flaky for her in that I have my own attachment issues! She was a high achiever who appeared almost too perfect in every way. Still, you live and learn as they say.  :)

Mine too charmed me into believing I was his everything. Complimented me, came on fast, wanted me to get off the dating site so just we could be together, etc... He made himself comfortable in my world and we were together all of the time.  red-flag's were up many times but I too chose to ignore them while I lived in my fantasy.

Idealization phase is bliss. Devaluation is the worst pain I have ever experienced.

But it's the idealization that makes the devaluation so painful. So I think the "good" sides of this disorder are the most harmful.

Devaluation is truly terrible as we can't rationalize what we're dealing with at the time. I have experienced some significant bereavements which were considerably less painful to me. Fortunately my newly enlightened state stops me feeling guilty about that.

Fany

When did your RS end?   

First time 6 months ago, second time 3. The re-cycle was good for me though as breaking up first time around was like stopping dead at 90mph. second time gave me some braking distance which I used to good effect.  *)

Your T told you what was going on in your subconscious?  That is such an irresponsible statement on the T's part.  Gaining power by pretending to know what you can't know.  Modern day psychology actually seems like sorcery.

There is no way a healthy person can be fooled by an unhealthy person, realize the lack of health, work on things for a bit, and then disengage?  Come on now.

I just recoil at these absolutist statements.

Lastly, there is no person without issues in some area.  So, no matter who on this planet attached to a BPD, you could then do a post hoc analysis to explain in hindsight how they were not healthy and that is why they were with a BPD for a time. It is non-falsifiable, which is not a strength of an argument.

I don't know raisans?  I knew what a ruthless selfish b****h she could be but ignored it . so yes on a subconscious level I was aware of  her nature even if I conciousley ignored it

Just like I could sense the BU coming her new friends being the triangulation she needed to leave me but I just brushed it out of my mind  

Yes we all have some nuerorsis Im sure but there are some with pd or other more severe things that attract a certain type

I mean would a clingy BPD do well with someone mature and avoident ?

My initial question asked why was I attracted to a borderline - not why I stayed with her after her behaviour deteriorated. As I  said before - there were no telltale signs initially. I did not meet her on line and she was not in a relationship. There were no healed scars on her arms and she was popular in work and good at her job.  I can accept that the psychiatric community might opine that low self-esteem might have prompted me to stay (when really I was just bloody confused!) but I did not purposely seek out a disordered individual. So how, pray, do I avoid finding another one in the future? 

As Dobie says, healthy people don't date people with BPD or anyone that is hurtful or hurting them. They call a dk a dk and that's that.

Some years ago during an old recycle I read some messages within my ex email and facebook that were very illuminating from someone she was trying to triangulate me with. It was a FB message from a guy she had been dating who told her he did not want to see her anymore, that he had never met anyone who managed to make him feel so bad about himself. Considering they had only been on a handful of dates this guy was pretty astute and simply kicked her to the curb.

I knew she had issues, I thought I could maintain her anyway. HA! Why on earth would anyone sign up to that! thats my work.

If you are dealing with a high functioning BPD, I have no idea how you can tell she is one until she is triggered and leaves you, especially if you never dealt with one before and have no idea what you are looking at. There is absolutely no chance in hell I would get involved with a low functioning BPD, I just have no interest whatsoever in these type of relationships or this type of women for that matter. What attracted me to my ex wasn't even love bombing or anything like that. If you forget the BPD part, she actually has plenty very good qualities about her... .which don't matter since they are ruined by BPD. So, to answer your question - I think going forward you just need to take it easy, learn about her and see if she has something about her that might remind you of your previous BPD experience... .and walk away if there are too many similarities... .

Thank you Invictus for your insight. I am confident I could detect BPD fairly early in a relationship now that I've been through the emotional 'wringer'. However. all the psycho babble suggests that we are at fault for being attracted to these types in the first place. Surely, as you state, this only applies to low-functioning borderlines whose issues are more readily on display? In instances like this I would assume that the non partner is only looking for crazy sex rather than a LTR. 

That baffles me too... .I mean, I was attracted to a good looking, sharp, well educated, fun, successful for her age woman. What else should be attracted to? There was never verbal abuse or physical abuse. Granted, knowing what I know now, there were all sorts of red BPD flags but I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time and those red flags don't add up to anything unless you can see the big picture. Anyway, I am not saying that I'm perfect, but to tell me that me being attracted to the woman I described above makes me somehow unhealthy too... .I don't get it.

OK I can only go by my red  red-flag and the fact my T was referring to me but here you go

I knew her through an aquaitiance she got said acquaintance (her bf) to invite me to her bday as she fancied me  red-flag

She hunted me down via Facebook even though I had a gf  red-flag

She showed little to no empathy for my gf while she was my "bit on the side "  red-flag

Yes I was a dick for even cheating I'm not proud of it  

She had zero friends she had fallen out with all of them  red-flag or like her best gf lived abroad

She admitted she had not fancied her partner three weeks into a three year r/s but stayed with him because she wanted a nice guy

She started moaning and complaining from day one (high maintiance )


So from day one she was selfish , manipulative and had zero empathy as well as a moan

But stupid boy here was blinded by her beauty , her youth she was just 23 I was 31 and her smarts as well as her infatuation . I think I tried to dump her twice but she kept coming back telling mW how she felt we "were meant to be"

From day one the arguing and fighting started from her moaning and winging (part of what my T said attracted me to her she allowed me to rage )

Did your relationship evolve fast? Did she put you on a pedestal? Did she say "I love you" very soon in the r/s? Was she "too good to be true"? Did it feel like love on first sight? Did she call you her "soul mate" very early in the r/s? And the most important question: Do you think, that's a healthy way to start a relationship? 

Did your relationship evolve fast? Did she put you on a pedestal? Did she say "I love you" very soon in the r/s? Was she "too good to be true"? Did it feel like love on first sight? Did she call you her "soul mate" very early in the r/s? And the most important question: Do you think, that's a healthy way to start a relationship? 



Maternus: 6 'yes's' and 1 'no'!  :'(

I guess I was torn between being sensibly wary and not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth! I had 6 months of this 'perfect' behaviour and was pretty great to her too. At that stage I really thought I had struck it lucky. She'd had a 12 year marriage and was mid 40's.  When she started acting out I researched the menopause on the 'Net as the personality change was so dramatic! It was only when she said that she felt fine that I began digging deeper. I was in love with her and wasn't going to bail at the first sign of trouble. I guess we're all the same in that respect... .

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Invictus, I fully agree with your words about relationships with high-functioning borderlines.

My exwife was 16 when we met (I was 21). It took me some time to realize it was something more than teen angst.

I don't dump people when they turn out to have problems, or even when it turns out that they mean trouble to myself.

The BPD-type people I have hooked up with in my life have a history of having been abandoned by people who run for the hills when they understand that something isn't quite right.

It's not that we are BPD magnets. They try to attach to anyone, but we're the only ones stupid enough to stay. That's what I think.

Our BPD partners know that too, and they hate us for it. By being the only ones who could put up with them we become their last choice, the bottom of the barrell. As good as it gets.

My conclusion to all this is that I'm almost certainly a victim of my own superficiality. I like pretty women who are probably out of my league. The only ones that reciprocate that attraction are borderline disordered ones. Hence I end up with a disproportionate amount of disordered ones in my life!   Despite all this, I am easily resisting the temptation to go online and hook me another one! 

There is a tendency among some to generalize about NONs and assume all of us are rather similar to the NON that stayed with their partner for several decades through blatant infidelity and abuse.

"There is no way a healthy person can be fooled by an unhealthy person, realize the lack of health, work on things for a bit, and then disengage?  Come on now."

I am with raisians and Invictus, the idea that because someone simply dated a pwBPD makes the person unhealthy ignores a lot of facts about why we get into relationships with anyone, healthy or not. Healthy people don't enter disastrous relationships that they know are disastrous before they enter them, yet healthy people get caught in disastrous relationships just like unhealthy people do. You only find out that the relationship is not healthy once you're in it. And even with that knowledge you might stay for a bit to see if it'll right itself.

To answer the topic question, with a high functioning BPD, the only upfront red flag might be the speed at which the relationship is progressing. Here is the problem with said flag, you still won't know if said behavior is permanent or temporary without spending some time there. The only way to protect yourself going in is not to invest yourself fully in the relationship in the early stages; that's healthy.

Yeah, somehow I don't see any sane person having a conversation like this 2-3 months into seeing somebody, no matter how strong and healthy emotionally that person is - "Sorry, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Something is off and I am not sure what it is. We seem to be into each other a little bit too much. We have way too much in common. We talk to each other too much. We enjoy each other's company too much. We have too much chemistry. This isn't healthy in a normal relationship. I don't want all this. Have you by any chance been to a psychologist for a borderline personality disorder evaluation?"

The other person - "I must have been seeing a nut job for the last a couple of months"

My ex's ex-husband had at least 2 years of  being placed on a pedestal before significant cracks emerged (they were married after 18 months).  What chance did he have of smelling a rat?  Think he may have had narcissistic traits though which probably explains why he lasted so long compared to all the other guys that followed.

I don't know, I'm not such a sane person. But eventually a sane person will see the red flags earlier than 3 months into the relationship. Maybe a sane person will have stronger boundaries while the pwBPD moves on too fast in the first days of the relationship. Maybe a person with a healthy sense of self will feel embarrassed to be put upon a pedestal and someone who knows and accepts his flaws is not vulnerable to idealisation.  

Yeah I resonate with not liking to think of myself in terms of healthy vs unhealthy it's just too black and white.  It seems like what happens is we get lost and when we try to make sense of things to get our bearings we cling to anything that will help make things understandable but it's like what if my green is your red and my blue is your yellow.  The map is not the terrain kind of thing. So it's super easy to get caught up in various forms of twisted thinking and projecting the illusion of safety onto concepts we might not have trully taken the energy to understanding outside of what we want it to mean to feel safe.  

Yep, the problem is that one day you might meet a truly healthy person that is super well suited for you.

The realization on both ends would be awesome!

Now, how does that differ from BPD mirroring/idealization?  I'm sure it does.  And I think I could spot it now, but prior to knowing about BPD, it would be tough.

I reject the subtext that healthy folks all have some jedi sense for each other, and because we don't have this then it indicates a lack of health.

Also, a subtext (or underlying assumption) is that because we are all here talking on the internet about a common problem and are hurt that it is unreasonable that someone was very taken with us and thought we were great.  As if "well if someone was gushing over you, then it should've been obvious they don't know their butt from their elbow!"  Having said that, I agree that there is a point where it is just too much, like mine telling me she loved me 3 weeks in.  But, it was sort of a ramp up, we were getting along so well I thought that saying that 3 weeks in seemed soon, but not unreasonably so at the time.

3 months go by pretty quick given 2 busy schedules.  Also, everyone has some red flags that you will see in the first 3 months, as we are not perfect.  Most of us are talking with the benefit of hindsight and did not know that those red flags were actually in a pattern that spelled "BPD" once you zoomed out sufficiently.

Actually, I've had several relationships that lasted around 9 months.  Here's what typically happened: first 3 months or so was getting to know each other and excitement of a new relationship, middle 3 months we were more comfortable and either of us started to notice incompatibilities that the initial period covered over a bit, last 3 months was addressing incompatibilities and seeing how things changed over time.  End was the realization that we were not sufficiently compatible after giving it a go.  Maybe this means I'm unhealthy, but I've seen this pattern in others as well.

Hi raisins,

I can only talk about me. I was in a relationship/marriage with a non for more than 20 years before I met my uBPDex. Although it was the longest (and in hindsight the best) relationship of my life, I always thought that there was something missing. I missed the drama, the roller-coaster ride, I missed the dynamics of my FOO and the intensity and drama I witnessed in my parents relationships as a child and teenager. I had unhealthy expectations what a good relationship looks like, I even was even not able to see it, while I was in such a relationship. I met my ex-wife when we were teenagers and although she was very young, she had strong boundaries in the first years of our relationship. It was the total opposite to a BPD-relationship. She said "I love you" the first time when dated for 6 months, the first time we had sex was after a year into the relationship. We moved in together after 5 years, got married after 10 years. No breakups and recycles. It was a healthy and stable relationship but I always thought, there is something wrong - and there was something wrong: Me. My false fantasies. I ruined the best thing I had in my life for the love of a woman, who entered my life as fast as she dumped me. Lesson learned.  lol 

Part of it for me is trying to optimize for too many things or the wrong things as far as priorities.

I've always prioritized physical attraction and mental stimulation (intelligence, humor, and interesting conversation) more than mental/emotional health.  So, if I found a pretty and very smart woman, I was willing to overlook too much on the other end. 

It hurts me to think about it because even after 5 months I'm still far from over it but what the hell... .

A couple of days before I met my ex I was on a date with somebody else. It was painful, lots of silent breaks, little in common (met her on Tinder, I know, classy). We both decided that we didn't feel too much of a connection. And then I went out of town and met this girl on a Saturday between a wedding and a reception. We both felt a spark, so we met up on Sunday (I was in town till Monday morning) and THAT date made pretty much all my other dates I've ever had pale in comparison. Just an insane 10 hour Sunday Funday, getting to know each other, spontaneously meeting with my friends and family, a ton in common (she never knew me, I never knew her, how could she mirror me right off the bat?) kind of a date that makes you go "Is it really happening?" Kind of a date that both people think back at and go "THAT.WAS.AWESOME!" There were plenty of  things about her that you just can't fake, BPD or not. You can't fake intelligence, you can't fake education, you can't fake success in your career, you can't fake determination in life (and that's what she idolized me for too). I want that in a woman and she has it. She just wasn't your typical 25 year old, she was way more mature (or at least acted very very well like it) than some 30+ year olds I have met. A woman can love bomb me into a nuclear winter and idolize me more than all gods combined but if she doesn't have something that just gets me going, it won't work. Don't want to sound like a self absorbed jacka$$ but I do get fair amount of interest from women. This one had that something that got me going. And from everything I was seeing we were on the same page... .until just like that she was gone. Of course there were things that would make me wonder... .but they seemed to be nothing compared to those other things that attracted me to her... .or so I thought until I educated myself on BPD and how a whole lot of nothings can add up to one big fat personality disorder. Going forward, I'll have to put everything the microscope.

Hey Franny'

Earlier in the thread you say "I can accept that the psychiatric community might opine that low self-esteem might have prompted me to stay (when really I was just bloody confused!) but I did not purposely seek out a disordered individual."  You also say that you know believe that you have had multiple borderline relationships.

Yet you have a few posts talking about seeking and engaging in a relationship with a person with BPD as a cure for your grief over you last relationship.

Can you play this out more clearly?  What will you look for to let you know you are onto a person w ith a PD?  What type of relationship will you engage in (how intense, how long, marriage or dump when _____)?  Will you act differently/think differently?  What do you hope to get out of in the near term?  Long term?

Can you explain the cure... .how this will work to make you a better, healthy man?  Less superficial?

Hi Skip

First thing to note is that I am unlikely to date again for a long time - if at all.  Even this time I wasn't looking for anybody - just got hit by that 'bolt from the blue'. That would be my first red flag if I felt that way again.  red-flag Secondly, I would be wary of any woman who thought I was that great again just for being normal. I got that adulation much too easily in retrospect.  red-flag Thirdly any talk of marriage, living together, and 'forever' in the first month would also get my attention next time.  red-flag

Lastly, and probably most importantly, I'm not entirely sure I want a LTR. I'm not unhappy nor lonely - so why gamble on it? I think my recent relationship has heightened my cynacism somewhat but I was pretty much thinking that anyway until my 'dream woman' came along.

With regards to my 'cure' post, I think I put sufficient caveats in there to make it clear it was a topic for debate rather than a 'prescription' to fix things. Weight of opinion was heavily against it - and rightly so.

Fanny

Do you believe in these things or were you just tossing hypotheticals out?

Are you wired in such a way that to truly get over something, we may be compelled to replay it in order to 'get it right next time?

Skip

I do believe that some people are perfectionists - or simply bloody-minded - and that they do act in the way I described in my question to Valet.  I was merely seeking clarity on what he was getting at with his post and apologise if I gave any other impression.


Fanny

Fanny, I think this could be an extremely important insight.  What you are describing sounds like a repetition compulsion.  This is a psychological phenomenon in which people get stuck in loops re-enacting past traumas.  Often this is done in the hope that this time things will resolve themselves - this time it will work out well.

I have dealt with this personally.  It's something my T and I have been exploring.  I grew up with an NPD mother.  That had a tremendous impact on my understanding of relationships and what love is.  I often felt that I was invisible and I often was made to feel that I didn't matter.  I learned that love has to be earned.  In my adult life, I have recognized that I have been involved in some very unequal relationships.  I have been exploring why that might be, and I do think that my T is on to something that this is a repetition compulsion from childhood.  That my finding these women who are so emotionally unavailable in many way, I am hoping that this time I will finally win their love.  This time I will get it right and get the love that I never really got from my mother.  What you are describing sounds very similar to this pattern.

What do you think about that idea?  Does this sound like it might be applicable to you?  I have noticed that you tend to not want to really open up here on a deep level, and I know it's hard to do so.  It can feel that we are exposing ourselves in a very vulnerable way.  This is a safe place, though, and we are all anonymous.  We are all here to support one another, even if at times we challenge one another much as our Ts challenge us about some of the false/unhealthy beliefs we have.  I really do think this is a very important insight you are expressing.  This is something core, and you really do need to find out what's there.  That's where true healing will come from.  Do you think you are ready to look at that?  If not here, would you be willing to work on it with your T?

Cosmonaut


That was the point I was seeking to clarify with Valet - albeit more hamfistedly!  :)

I know I am bloody-minded and part of the rationalization process for me is to put things right so 'I'm happy with me'.  I tend to be very hard on myself if I think I could have done something better. I did re-cycle with my ex and played it differently second time around. I had the validation I needed that there was nothing I could do to make it work. That's why my posts  are different to many others on the leaving board - I feel fine at the moment but now and again certain questions nag at me which I have to work through.

Maybe I should just post on one of the other boards when I feel the compulsion to question something? Please believe me that I have no compulsion to re-live my trauma - my ex-wife would have happily obliged if that was the case!  lol

Thanks again for your insight as this is a really interesting angle which I hadn't considered fully.


Fanny

Fanny,

   I can relate to your story. I was love bombed so early I look back at old emails and we were saying I love you not even a month in.

I've dated emotionally healthy people before so I can see the difference but at the time I did not realize how quick I fell into this person.

At 2mo the mask cracked and I remember the first time she got disproportionately angry at me. It was in my kitchen and she called me an a hole.

That did not sit well with me and my gut told me no one should talk to me like that. I actually told her I want my key back and she ran from my house got in the car and drove off with the key.

A 41yo woman.

She came back sobbing and I felt bad but I admit when she drive off I said aloud, what a nutcase? What is this?

I was dumbfounded.

There were so many inappropriate things that followed like tonguing a friend in front of me while out drinking... .just to see what it felt like.

Leaving me for two months to run off to an ex in Minnesota... .threatening a RO on me only to call me over 50 times on the way back to our state.

I should have trusted my gut instinct. What ensued was 3yrs of loneliness and disappointment. I was 37 then and wanting kids.

Now I'm almost 40.

I really sacrificed myself in this relationship and I only have me to blame for that. I became her caregiver and put my needs aside. We weren't having sex anymore but this last year we never fought. It was a good year. I guess that's the only thing I can carry away from this.

I fell for my ex because of her intelligence, beauty, accomplishments, political views, cultural perspective, and the way she seemed to embrace life.  I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship at the time, but when I met her I felt like a relationship with her could be the one. We met via Tinder and I used to call her my Tinder Surprise because meeting her (someone so amazing) was completely unexpected.  It was a carpe diem moment for me and I thought "you only live once, go for it" and I did. The fantasy of meeting THE woman for me was intoxicating. I believed I was totally in love and she did too. 

So, no, I had no idea this is what would happen and that the little arguments and conflicts that we had early on would escalate and it all would end in such misery.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. "Quickly" falling in love seems to be common on the boards. What were you getting out of the relationship early on? Have you considered your own possible boundary, attachment, and esteem issues?

Hi Mike-X

Retrospectively I can see that I idealised her as much as she did me.  I was coming out of a mild depression at the time and the relationship re-invigorated me. In that respect, I was probably her perfect boyfriend as we fed each others frenzy - so to speak.  I knew her for several months before we dated and there was nothing 'off' about her. Work colleagues validated that we seemed a well-matched couple.  In the thread I was questioning whether there was something 'subliminal' that attracted me to her as there really was a 'wow' moment first time I clapped eyes on her.

Fanny

I was utterly enamored with her sweet, child-like personality and her incredible looks, bikini model, face of an angel, perhaps the most feminine woman I'd ever met in the Western hemisphere. I simply wanted her, and she wanted me. She was seemingly the most together young woman I'd met in years. She was the one who accelerated things to 200kph, shouting I love you's out to the world, that she wanted to be my partner, my inspiration, my wife. We put each other on pedestals, made the rash-rush decision to be together, and headed off into the sunset hand in hand... .truly a fairy tale romance.  

Once we actually committed ourselves, the BPD behaviors suddenly appeared, as if from nowhere. Now my radar is miles out there, but at the time I don't think I could've recognized the signs in advance. She knew all along she had serious issues, but covered them so beautifully that she could be the perfect spy, or an Oscar-winning actress. I'm convinced no man would've been able to say no. Fortunately, I have good boundaries (thanks to The Mankind Project), so when it descended into the typical BPD nightmare, I stepped back quickly to reassess and try to understand. This triggered her abandonment hyper-fears, she painted me black, and then disappeared, capturing another guy within days. I was destroyed for six months. She repeated the same with him, and within two months he too looked like a shell of his former self. She danced away, seemingly unscathed. BPD is truly a horrific emotional disturbance. Almost like a contagious zombie-madness running rampage over the world... .

Thanks for the reply. Can you elaborate on what you're thinking about by something 'subliminal'?

I know lots of people refer to 'chemistry' when they meet their partner e.g. 'She was a nice girl but there was nothing there' or 'We just clicked'.  I'm starting to wonder if the 'chemistry' I feel may actually be a subliminal warning sign that something is off which I misinterpret as a deep connection!   If I ever find myself feeling like this again I will feel very wary as opposed to feeling compelled  to act on it. That's not to say I wouldn't progress the relationship - just that there would be boundaries  in place that would need to be adhered to before I became emotionally committed.


Cheers



Fanny

I'm working with my therapist on the idea that I am in fact highly attracted to such dysfunctional people because they resemble my dysfunctional relationships with my parents. Ugh.

If we lived in the wild and concluded that if a fruit tastes good, it might be a warning sign that it is poison, we would not enjoy life.

I see these types of thoughts on the New Relationships board or in lists of 100 red flags to avoid... .I think that if we don't dissect and learn what happened using basic psychology tools, we are left with what some call spurious logic - the generator of urban myths.

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc or Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc is interesting.

A train always passes after the railroad crossing alarm sounds and the gates come down. Therefore the railroad crossing alarm causes the train to pass.

I wore my purple sweater and my team won against all the odds. Therefore I am going to wear that sweater to every game.

Most divorced couples go to see a therapist before they separate. Therefore going to see a therapist will increase the chances that you will get a divorce.

Since I stopped smoking we haven't had an argument. Who knew the answer could have been so simple?

This website makes the point with graphs: www.tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations

The root of why you have had 3 relationships with people with BPD traits will be simple and direct when you finally find it - but it takes some real digging to get there.  When we find it, we know.


If you had a do-over with your ex, what boundaries were not adhered to in the beginning and by whom?  

How should you have handled it?

Hi Skip

Apologies for the delay in responding - been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately. Haven't come to a conclusion on the origin of the problem yet, but feel I am getting closer to it.

With regard to boundaries - the big one was communication. I like to resolve issues and 'get things on track' - my ex preferred the silent treatment. I did raise this with her fairly early on and she said that it was just her way of handling conflict i.e. very minor issues! I wasn't aware that this was a form of emotional abuse, but I am now. I should have stood my ground at this point but allowed myself to be 'love-bombed' all over again.   Now that I understand a lot more than I did then, I simply couldn't tolerate this in any future relationship as it makes dispute resolution impossible.



Fanny