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My ex just called me screaming after I accidentally dialed him last night and said to leave him alone or he would call the police.

I got multiple calls from her college campus police saying to "leave her the hell alone, or she will file harassment charges on me." I am now two months radio silence NC initiated by her.

They often get police. Many here will relate

I cant believe how much he hates me.

Can you believe he has a mental illness that makes that hatred necessary, as a survival tool, with no basis in what most of us call reality?

I can't believe how much she hates me, either. I can't believe how I was discarded so quickly and she moved on with her life. No signs of remorse at all. I can't believe that she looks physically as well like a completely different person. I can not believe that she tossed away the one person that really loves her. I can not believe any of it.

Welcome to the hell that is BPD. I am sorry I have to give you this welcome. But you are among some of the most compassionate, most knowledgeable, and most empathetic people on the earth. Without this site, I don't know where I'd be now. I really don't.

Welcome to freedom my friends... .Welcome to loving you... .Welcome to the life you deserve not accept 

Hi Beach,

I'm sorry you're going through this. When was the last time you spoke? Has he requested that you not contact him?

   

Just another reason why we all preach 100 % unbreakable N/C.  Is this how you want to live the rest of your life. HE WILL NEVER BE CURED.  Erase his contact info  block all social media be done save yourself from his illness beach.   

fromheeltoheel: yes i can but the reality is so hard to accept.

Reecer: why does she call the police if you aren't bothering her?

Mitasu: thank you for those kind words *hugs*

blissfulcamper: we last spoke a month ago. Yesterday i dialed his number by accident and he called said leave me alone and threatened the police

It sounds to me as though the accidental call gave him an excuse to rage at you, and exert control.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't sound healthy.  This is where you take care of you. Remove his number from your phone to protect yourself. Then NC, detach, heal -- when this is behind you, you'll be glad that you did.

Yes, there's a difference between believing something and accepting it.  Working on accepting things as they are, even though they may not be what you want, is a big part of detaching and healing.  It is what it is.

Back in February I sent her a text outlining how she would end up like her mother, cold and manipulative sucking the life out of men. It was NOT a threat. But I think it cut her very deep.

Here is the full text I sent her: Two days ago your mother called my parents, my mom didn't pick up. My Dad did, and your mom simply indicated that I had sent you some e-mails that had your concerned about my mental health. Which is 100% true, I did But you and I both know that 2 days ago is when i contacted you and I told you I was doing a lot better. Very strange that it's only now weeks later that you and your mom become so concerned about my stability, and not actually when I WAS UNSTABLE. Not calling you a hypocrite, but you are a hypocrite. Anyways, I gave your mom a quick call, "MS. *name*, if you're worried about me, feel free to call me directly, thanks for your concern, reece." I couldn't even get the full sentence out before your mom rudely interrupted me and said "Reece-I have no desire to talk to you, I'm leaving" and hung up the phone.

And a lightbulb went off in my head. It sounded just like you. Evading criticism at all costs but expecting other people to take it when you dish it.

And that's when I realized. The best part of our relationship was when you were staying with your dad.

You are your mother's daughter. You will end up just like her, manipulative and cold for the rest of your life.

You've been so heavily influence by her to think badly of me and my famiy.

There is no hope for you. Because your are like my brother *he joined a cult*: too lost to be helped.

And that's it. I've figured you out. I have my answers. You'll end up just like your mom. Taking the life out of men. Ending up in some apartment somewhere.

Just like I'm sure your mom stripped the soul out of your dad.

You'll end up doing the same to some poor man.

have a nice life.

That was the text that escalated things to police text. The detective at her school told me as much.

If you want to read about someone elses' story while you are going through this, here's mine: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

The full thread, not just the first post is the whole story.



Like I said, 2 months ago to this day was the last time I had direct contact with my ex. That text you see there was the last thing of mine she ever read. The police stuff came after it.

Sunseeker: how long did it take you to stop recycling?

blissfulcamper: rage at me for what? I went away like he wanted. He won

Fromheeltoheel: how long did it take you to accept?

Reecer: your email was right on. She deserved it. What a NUTJOB.

I'd say it took about 9 months to work through feeling totally insane when I left her, letting the fog clear, discovering the disorder, making connection after connection between what I was reading and hearing and how she behaved, learning how to deal with some PTSD, and finally accepting it for what it is and starting to move forward with life.  That was actually where the real work started, since it takes two to tango, as the focus shifted from her to me, and I had a lot of What the heck moments about how I had responded in the relationship, what I made things mean, how I felt about myself, what I needed to change, so the last two years have really been about that, a massive growth spurt, with all of the feelings that come with it, but really the gift of the relationship.  This is a wonderful journey, just hard to see when we're mired in it and it hurts, but have some faith and it will get better.

 

Beach.

I recycled once in our 2 yr R/S. After 3 months we reconciled thats when I was informed of her BPD. It lasted almost another year. I did the research on BPD online and books . It helped me understand and helped me handle myself better in the r/s. Had zero success with helping US as a couple. My dexBPDgf is going to do what she feels she needs to do no matter who it effects or how it effects everyone in her life. Its all about them point blank.


I had to hit rock bottom before I could walk away completely. It is very hard to walk away from a loved one. Especially when you give yourself completely to someone and they act as you dont matter them.

Ive never had a problem walking away from someone who is obviously unstable before in life. This time I was different. The year before I got into a BPD R/S my mother passed away , I lost a 6 figure income then my current r/s started to unravel and then it was over.  I was a mess . A few months later here is this gorgeous, educated , women who seemed amazing , And wanted me this mess of a man. Boom it shot me into the stratosphere. Only to come crashing down.

Now I realize that I am headed into failure with any r/s because I have issues that need addressing. Yea this alone thing is very hard. But it is getting  better. Some days still really suck,  no where as bad as the sucked in that BPD r/s.

  You cant truly love anyone untill you truly love yourself. I see this now and its 100% accurate. Being alone (not in an r/s) is the only way to work on ourselves. There is no way to know who we are and how to truly love ourselves untill we spends copious amounts of time by ourselves.  No one deserves a hot mess. Which we all/where on this board.

  There is not a single person on this board that has been N/C for a long period of time and regretted staying N/C. Stay n/c do the work on YOU and more time than not we come out bettebr than before we entered the BPD r/s. It feels so amazing to be happy in our own skin.

We all faulter at times we are human after all, its not the getting knocked down  that matters it is how you get back up .

Take care of you beach you are the most important person in your life. You can beat this. Stay strong.

Beach,


My ex gf threatened to call the police and make up a story to send them to my house a number of times. This is really bad news with serious consequnces.  I would imagine that if I broke NC with my ex, even though she never stated not to contact her, her first move to make such a threat.

I know everyone is seriously heaping this advice on... .but please don't take it personally.  This threat has nothing to do with getting rid of you,  it's about purposely causing fear and hurt and blaming you.  I would seriously suggest you delet his number before he escaltes or makes good on his threat. 

Beach,

It may have triggered him causing him to feel that he was losing control.  When someone feels out of control internally they will often exert control externally.  Let go of trying to figure out the reasons behind his behavior.  The way out of the pain is to accept that he has a disorder, it's not your job to fix or figure him out, and turn the focus away from him and place the focus on yourself.  It may feel like rough sledding for a bit but you'll get through it.  

Mine had a lawyer friend send a letter to me threatening a PPO against me for attempting to contact my ex the very day she disappeared and blocked me from contact! The only indication that anything was wrong with our relationship was the breakup text that I received and notice that she had moved out and that I should not attempt to contact her!

Three months later, I contacted her on Xmas eve after I learned that she had unblocked me on her phone. This mistake of mine was met with a call from the local cops who had very stern words for me.

For a BPD, these types of actions are, among other things, a display and exercise of power and punishment against you, their 'tormentor'. You have been painted entirely black by him and your contact is seen as naked hostility against him which is motivated by his inability to process and deal with the negative emotions that are related to you. Furthermore, he assigns your contacting him as a circumvention of his tacit wishes for you to not contact him (express clearly or not) which to him is a high crime to him: an appropriate occasion to involve law enforcement (where normal adults talk things out).

One thing is for certain from all of the accounts that I have read here: the more extreme their reaction is proportionate to the level that they have painted you black. The degree to which they had painted you black, and perhaps cut you off, is directly proportionate to the extent that they cared about you. To him, you likely meant a lot. His disorder caused him to do otherwise. A beautiful life of two people living life as a happy couple negated... .it makes me sad for us all.

I agree: you really need to get rid of his phone number from your phone. I know when I finally brought myself around to doing the same (and all other related numbers), it marked a bit of a milestone and turning point.

I was threatned to have the police called on my tons of times over nonsense... .she never did it but it was a consant threat.

Although, I have wondered if the threat of police action was some sort of a test (I have heard of it here more than once on these pages) to see what the non was willing to overcome in order to 'demonstrate' commitment to the r/s. I have reason to believe that this might have been the case with my ex especially within the context that she COULD have pulled the trigger on police and legal action but didn't - only threatened.

Hi Beach_Babe.  It is so unfortunate that you are having to go through this with your ex.  It appears that he is projecting rage against you as his target from his own emotional dysregulatation.  It's very difficult to not take this stuff personally when feelings are involved.

Mine called the police on me after I crossed paths with her 16 year old son at a community football event.  All I had basically done was pleasantly greet him, as we had a good relationship with each other.  This was the trigger for her.  I was then threatened with a criminal harassment charge that fortunately went nowhere.  She stated that she felt unsafe with me around her children, which is totally ludicrous as I had never done anything to harm either her or her children ever.  I treated them all very good.  I had even taken/picked them to/from various events on my own before without any concerns whatsoever.  

This where feelings = facts for a BPD person.  One cannot rationalize irrational behavior.

These can be dangerous people that have the potential to damage the lives of others and their futures.  Please be fully aware and careful!

Fromheeltoheel: 9 months? Oh god. I can't imagine another DAY like this. Holy ghost.

The ptsd is the worst. Nightmares, panic attacks, crippling depression.

Sunseeker: do you think the Bpd feels they have hit rock bottom with us when we are dumped?


Lawman: what do you mean this has nothing. To do with getting rid of me? Isn't that the whole point?

Blissfulcamper: why would he feel out of control. He has a new sucker and a great new job. Life is good.

My wife that I am separated from, showed up back in the fall with two other people demanding to get the car back we had a deal I would keep the car till she got her license back.  I got in the car and left, she called police said I tried to run her over. I am now up on three different charges, this is the same women that I went out of my way to save several times. I keep it close they are always the victim.

JRT: so you are saying he feels hostile towards me for even existing? Wow.    I don't know is that true if they are possibly npd the theory that the blacker you are painted the more they cared?

Zunder: it was a frequent threat for Me too. But he'd always say he didn't mean it and try to later recycle. This time feels different due to the mutual friend. The mutual friend has caused a lot of trouble. Telling ex I have talked crap about him and posting mean things about him on Facebook while I was around and telling ex I did it. Of course ex believes him, feels betrayed and thinks I'm the devil.

Restored2: wow that sounds crazy. Was your ex present at the game or did the son just later tell her about seeing you ?

Hang in there BB, the worst part is at the beginning, and the real pain, like you're in now, only lasted 6 or 8 weeks, and then I went kind of numb for a while, right through the holidays.  You asked how long it took to accept, and that's a process; I didn't even learn about the disorder for a couple of months, that helped greatly, and then it was just a matter of realizing thing after thing that was just totally unacceptable and screwed up in the relationship, those would come in waves, and none of it would have been possible without her entirely out of my life.  So it's a process, it will get a whole lot better, you just might find there's work to do on you once you shift the focus to yourself entirely.  Take care of you!

Personally I'm thankful that my ex threatened my with the police and smeared me.  Its the lowest thing possible in my mind and we discussed this a week before our break up and how dangerous this is.  My break up is still fresh only 3 weeks and I'm thankful I got out without being arrested.  I would never go back if she begged me.  Don't get me wrong my head is still spinning from the 3 year relationship and I'm hurt but if she was having an orgy with the NY Giants I could careless.

It was and is crazy indeed! 

She was not present at the the game at all.  From what I understand her son contacted her by phone to let her know that I was there.  She has operated from self professed fears and phobias which she projected onto me in various ways throughout our relationship. 

Her response was a total knee jerk overreaction to something unwarranted.  It's classic BPD behavior.   

I am not sure about the 'existing' component but yes: as I understand it, the deeper their esteem for you the greater the trigger and more extreme their behavior. I can tell you from my perspective, I know this to be the case and it is consistent with other accounts that I have read here.

  Beach.

No they will not allow themselves to hit/feel rock bottom. A new non is like a shiny new toy to a five year old. They thinks there is no better toy. When the new toy (us) get s a few scratches and a little worn  the cant see how awesome the toy is a BPDer can only obsess about how imperfect the toy is. And then (squirrel) there focus on a new shiny toy (replacement) who is all consuming and so on and so on.

Beach_babe

Yes, his feelings of hostility towards you right now are simply because you exist. That's why there appears to be a lot of incidents where police are called or smear campaigns launched. It isn't anything personal against you and you haven't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. It's why it's really difficult in Therapy when you get told you did nothing wrong because everything feels so real.

What you have to remember is that pwBPD lack core self and the inability to look inwards. So to that degree, everything bad that happens creates a lot of pain for them. In order to release that pain they project all of that anger rather than accept responsibility for it and what you end up with is your ex's bad feelings being projected on to you. At the end of the day, someone has to be the villain and it can't be him because he is unable to accept that so it has to be you. You could be a saint and still be treated the same way.

My exN/BPDw slapped with a divorce overnight and stated it was because she loved me and that one day we would get remarried and live happily ever after. The very next morning I left and never looked back. Within a week, she called her T to yell abuse at him because her T became my T after he diagnosed her and knew there was no hope. Initially her threats were around that I was never to contact her again and after a couple of weeks of NC, she blamed him for giving me the strength to walk away. The reason he got that is because she couldn't control or get to me anymore so that blame had to go somewhere.

3 years on and 3 years of NC and last month she started emailing legal threats. Why? Because she wants a reaction regardless of whether it's positive or negative, she's pressing every button she can think of to get me to react. Right now it's as sun seeker says, she wants her toy back and not because she cares but more likely because she's losing control so reaching out to something she once had control over to make herself feel good again.

Thank you for sharing, Ripped Heart.  You have given me much to chew on and digest. 

What does a lack of core self involve?

I was baffled at how mine was extremely intelligent and had the insight and ability to constructively assess others, yet seemed to lack the insight and ability to constructively look inwards at herself and her own behavior.  This is quite disjointed to me.  Is this normal for BPD people?

It is quite stunning to hear how yours has been 3 years NC and last month broke NC via email with legal threats against you.  What kind of legal threats could she possibly conjure up at this point in time?

Three years Is a long time to initiate legal threats after no contact. Yikes.

I presume the threats will stop now that I went away. The mutual "friend" has caused a lot of problems. He publically posted Facebook conversations he had with him and told ex I did it (at time ex knew we were hanging out together) and even sent a message to ex from his account (he said it was me I borrowed his phone) saying he was fat.  In the past he has told ex I was talking crap about him. He seems to think drama is funny. Ex believes everything he has painted him so white. But the truth is this friend could care less about ex he even admitted he was just using him (and would continue to do so)  ex has come and gone and even made police threats before but always backtracked and left a crumb of occasional contact to leave door open. Now nothing. And mutual friends are now starting to unfriend me on Facebook. This has never happened before. He is gone for good. He wishes I was dead. And I'm sure he is very happy.

Sorry, meant to say 3 NC from me, as for her, she has attempted contact almost every month in the past 3 years with a break for 4 months last year. That's the NPD refusing to be beaten and needing to be in control. It's me that hasn't responded to anything she has sent through in those 3 years.

Lack of core self is pretty much lack of self esteem or self worth. There are things we develop from childhood which our pwBPD never experienced or overcame. Instead of what makes up our values and beliefs many pwBPD lack that side of themselves and often present as having it because they mirror us. That's partly why we feel such a deep connection initially because they mirror our beliefs and values that we feel we have met someone who shares those things we feel deep down.

I love the term mirroring because essentially that's what it is. If you look in a mirror and smile, you know why you are smiling but the mirror is copying you. It has no sense of self and is only reflecting back what you are doing. It may also be why your ex was really good at assessing others but unable to look inwards. For some pwBPD, they can look inwards but it's too painful or they don't understand where those feelings are coming from and often because it's painful as well as that pain being associated to a specific person you get elements of projection.

Beach_babe, given the reaction of your ex, it's probably safe to say he isn't very happy at all. Right now, he's probably only surviving and what you have experienced there with his friend is triangulation. You are the villain, his friend is the rescuer and he is the victim and that dynamic can change at any point, either towards you or to someone else. His friend sounds very much like an enabler especially creating the drama by using you the way that he did. It also sounds like he was playing an active role in the triangle himself, making you the villain so he could be the rescuer. That's a dynamic I had with exN/BPDw's mother who is very much NPD herself. There was one triangle where exN/BPDw was the victim, I was the rescuer and her mother was the villain but then a 2nd triangle over the top of that where exN/BPDw was the victim, her mother was the rescuer and I was the villain. In both, ex was always the victim and which way it went depended on how close she got to me because she controlled one triangle and her mother controlled the other.

As far as mutual friends unfriending you, initially I found that experience a little painful but then realised that if someone isn't prepared to make their own judgement or react based on stories they have been told, then really you are probably much better off without them in your life. I had a number of mutual friends contact me because things just didn't add up, others who knew something was wrong but kept silent, those who reacted immediately to smear campaigns and those who a year or so later apologised for reacting the way they did.

I have been accused of everything from stalking to drug dealing as well

Thank you for clarifying, Ripped Heart.  Your detailed explanation makes total sense.

My ex has told people I am selling and abusing drugs, am stalking him, physically abused him and raped him. I am terrified and spend my days now completely unable to function and having panic attacks. While he is happy and content.

Why? I don't deserve this.

Beach_Babe is it time to change your phone number to protect yourself?

Yes I already did. Just still the fallout from all this. I mean wow. if I were a man I'd be in jail probably with all these crazy accusations. Why do I deserve it?

You're right, Beach_Babe.  A man that has a woman make such "crazy accusations" against him is an extremely vulnerable position for a man.  In many ways it is really an insult and threat to his own manhood, as this is in the area of protection where a man naturally operates from.  For a man to be brought up on accusations against him from a woman that he has loved and protected by another protection force, namely the police, hits to the core of his very being. 

Your question echoes for me, as I too have asked the question of myself many times; "What have I done to deserve this mistreatment?"  I don't believe that we have done anything to deserve being mistreated and abused.  As the saying goes; "Hurt people, hurt people".  It is like a previously abused dog that lashes out to bite and hurt whoever comes too close to it.

An over reaction by someone else has nothing to do with us. Try not to take this personally, even though it feels personal. We can't rationalize irrational behavior. That can keep you stuck in circular ruminations.