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Today marks the 2 month mark for the radio silence initiated by my uBPDexgf.

I have not heard a peep from her. No signs that she is looking at my social media. No sign she even thinks about me. No replacement either. I never thought she could go two months without a single word, sign, telepathic communication... .nothing at all whatsoever to me.

She discarded me like yesterday's trash, didn't get a replacement, and moved on happily with her life. Probably doesn't even think about me anymore.

I guess I am envious of those who have gotten re-engaged. It truly feels like to me that I will never be engaged again. Like she's really moved on and happy with her life.

I know, I know. Re-engagement would be bad. It doesn't stop me from wanting it and being jealous of those here who've gotten it.

I just so badly want to speak to her again. I want her to recognize that I'm still alive. Recognize that I even exist anymore.


Update on myself: I believe the days of that part of me that misses her, is still attached to her, and is totally traumatized by this event, are numbered.

If she wants to re-engage me before it's too late, it better come soon  

it should be too late the day she treated you like you were trash pal. Mine never even said we're over. She is isn't good enough for me. You should feel the same.

That is correct but probably is kinda tough to see 2 months out... .Eventually, we all see it.

Reecer,

Sorry to hear you're feeling bad. The good news is that it will pass. I haven't heard from mine in 3 years. I tried to be friends with her. I learned as much as I could about BPD and even joined a BPD support group. They were pretty impressed that I was working so hard. I enjoyed a tiny little  bit of success, but then sometimes she would ignore for several weeks/months, and then she could also get viciously angry. The last time she raged on me, I guess I finally woke up and realized what a piece of work I was dealing with. I wish I could get those months/years back of me trying to figure things out. But now I know. That's for sure.

I can tell you she's been through several boyfriends, etc., since I was with her. She was divorced twice at the age of 24, and had a 1 y/o, and I gave them all my heart. I heard from mutual friends that the r/s with the next guy was full of chaos. I heard from her friends that she always said I was pretty much wonderful, so it was shocking how fast she turned on me. Your ex and the new guy are likely going through the same thing you did. It may be worse for him if you've set a high standard. It just takes tiime for the honeymoon to wear off. I see it clearly now. I was always wrong and she was always right. It was always some drama that meant the world to her, and it was never ending, and didn't really make sense as much as I tried to be understanding.

I don't know the details of what you've been through, but just want you to know you're in good company and this Board is the greatest resource I've found to get me through my recovery. I don't think it's something I'll ever just be so calm and chill, like, it's cool now. But I'm in a better, wiser place now. No victory is without its cost.

To be given time on this earth is a gift.  To want anyone that doesn't want us or devalues our very existence is to deny our own self worth at our core.  Self preservation must surface.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that in time you will grow strong and be disgusted at the thought of a re-engagement.

Sending you hopeful hugs of healing.

Reecer, you aren't missin' out on much.  Give yourself more time. How do you define happiness?

I hope one day I feel that way. That I will feel disguisted by an attempt to contact me. As for right now, God I wish she would. By the way i appreciate what one responder mentioned about the "new guy" but she doesn't have one as of now.

Do I take it that 2 months of radio silence is not

To say she will

Never contact me again?

And what makes you think that? You probably cross her mind sometimes, with what frequency is hard to say.  But people don't forget the significant moments in their lives, even in the painful ones.  pwBPD may suppress them, but it doesn't mean they don't remember.  It just means they remember at odd times.

Sometimes mine would start to disassociate randomly. I didn't know what disassociation was at the time of course (or BPD for that matter).  Her eyes would get all glassy, and she'd stare off at nothing.  And sometimes there were tears there, welling up in here eyes like she was about to cry. Like this one time after a dance class we took, it happened. We were standing on a stone bridge over a creek. The glassy eyes, the stare, the welled-up tears. I asked her what was wrong several times before she shook her head silently. I still remember the look on her face. Like she wasn't even there. But in pain at the same time. Vulnerable, defenseless. Like a child.

It was strangely sad. In hindsight, I knew she was thinking of something. Some memory, some person. Something so painful, so shameful, that she had to block it out, and lose herself in the process.  But it was still there, in her mind. The memory.

It's still way too soon to use the word "never." Based on some accounts I've read, one can almost never rule out the possibility of contact no matter how many years or even decades have passed. I know you want her to contact you, and I totally understand why. I felt exactly the same way at one time. However, it's far more easy to heal with no contact. Re-engagement is like reintroducing poison into your system after a period of detoxification. For me the slightest, most indirect dealings I had with my ex after the smear campaign began were exhausting. I remember thinking to myself that a girl I would've done nearly anything to see or talk with just a few months beforehand had become someone I desperately wanted to disappear. Two months isn't long, especially considering that you have to recover from emotional abuse. Keep the faith, man, and continue to vent as much as you need with people who understand what you're going through. Better days are ahead.

I recycled twice the last year before leaving permanently after a 28 year marriage. Each recyle was worse, emotionally, to the point I was suicidal. I couldn't go back now if she begged me. Her life is just too much of a mess. To walk back into the same situation with no change is death.

You're taking one step forward, then five back.

Read through your posts over the last two months.

One minute you have a hold of the situation saying you're better without her, the next you're desperate for her to contact you.

Now you've submitted a time frame for her to break no contact, otherwise you're 'moving on'.

As I've suggested before you need to get a grip of the situation and focus on you, not a doomed relationship. I truly sympathise with what happened. but there comes a time where you need to man up and get on with your life.

You're way better than this, better than her. Trust me.

technique, i must take exception with some of that.

everyones healing process is unique. but as you should know, many people on this forum have shared similar experiences. those experiences often include cycling back and forth through the stages of grief. most people experiencing grief cycle through the stages. again, everyones healing process is unique. this is a traumatic experience. it is a bit more complex than "manning up" and "getting on with your life." it is far more complex than "youre better than her trust me".

there is no correct timeline for healing. what works for you may not work for another. stigmatizing someone elses process, i dont think is helpful.

at two months i wouldnt describe myself as functional. there are members who arrive here around two months out and are functional, fairly clear headed, and move away from this board fairly quickly. i healed, and they healed. my process took longer, but the outcome was the same.

Hi Reecer. What makes you think she (1) doesn't have a replacement, and (2) has moved on happily? Does this mean you are following her life on social media and/or talking to people who know her? If so, I'd say that's technically no contact, but it may as well not be and will delay your progress significantly. I'm not saying two months is a long time, because I have a feeling I'll still be struggling at that point due to my sensitivity to triggers (I'm at about 2 1/2 weeks of no contact and no looking at anything on social media).

To reiterate, what makes you think she doesn't have a replacement? I'm sure there are plenty in my ex-BPD's life who don't realize she has a replacement because she's having sex with a married man. She won't be flaunting him around to her Facebook friends.

And again, what makes you think she has moved on happily? If you haven't talked to her in two months, you have no idea what she's going through right now, and even if you have peering eyes on social media, it could all be a show. If she truly has BPD (and I'm not saying she doesn't), she isn't exactly a happy camper--at least not long term.

You're taking one step forward, then five back.

I will be the one to determine my steps. Thank you for your input, however. I have gone from posting on here nearly daily to much decreased frequency. I've gone from constant ruminations to fewer ones. My sleep patterns are no longer greatly affected by this. The nightmares are decreasing in frequency, although last night I did have one.

(1) doesn't have a replacement, and (2) has moved on happily? Does this mean you are following her life on social media and/or talking to people who know her?

Social media. Yes. This is how I know, and she's fairly obvious about it. As for talking with people who know her... .most people from her past think she's completely psycho, so no. I've talked with people from her past about the breakup, they all said they were shocked at how bad she had gotten, but some had even said to me "I suspect she's mentally unstable." Her new group of people have no idea who I even am. That's kind of how my ex operates. She eliminates people wholesale.

what makes you think she doesn't have a replacement?

Recent blatant posts on her pinterest "How to be single."

what makes you think she has moved on happily?

Because she said as much to me. "I'm glad I eliminated you from my life." and a bunch of other statements. Her recent 20 pound + weight gain and clear lack of dental hygiene would indicate otherwise. Basically what I'm saying is that I know in objective reality she isn't happy or content. But my projection of that makes me feel like she is. Make sense?

Now you've submitted a time frame for her to break no contact, otherwise you're 'moving on'.

I do not WANT to move on. I want to still be talking to her. Still have her love me. Most of my healing has been done in spite of myself. As time goes on, eventually the last vestiges of hope that she will contact me will go away, and I'll truly have moved on. But it won't be voluntary.

However, it's far more easy to heal with no contact.

I do not have a re-engagement experience of my own to compare NC with. If that makes sense... .

I haven't heard from mine in 3 years.

Sounds like the road I'm on.


And what makes you think that? You probably cross her mind sometimes, with what frequency is hard to say.

Well I wish I somehow knew about it.

Two months isn't long, especially considering that you have to recover from emotional abuse.Keep the faith, man, and continue to vent as much as you need with people who understand what you're going through. Better days are ahead.

It's people like you and statements like this that have been the motivating factor for me to do any positive things in my life. Sort of like a big fat cushion to the blow. Thank you, JPH.

There is no Disney movie ending where she realizes she has problems and gets help and y'all live happily ever after or at least reconcile before going your separate ways. This doesn't happen with these people.

You either never hear from her again, or they become a constant nuisance in your life to the point where you physically shake if you get a text or see a picture of 'em.

Re-engaged meant getting dragged out to a parking lot at 2am to talk about "us", only to get punched in the face in front of one of her beta orbiters. Re-engaged meant having to sit my mom down and explain that my ex-girlfriend is mentally ill and how to respond if she calls the house again. Re-engaged meant going to work on 30 minutes of sleep because my ex stayed up until 6am texting me saying I should kill myself. Re-engaged meant being threatened by her Dad because he chose to blame his daughter's mental issues solely on me. Re-engaged meant having to flip through her social media accounts and stumbling on things that were humiliating and embarrassing to see if her angry tirades about me were on more than just one site.


Did it also mean periods of time where the relationship appeared to be improving? Yes. These lasted a few short weeks.

The bottom half of this picture is what it looks like to be re-engaged.

That was brutal to read. I'm sorry you had to go through that man. And your text message collage looks familiar to mine, though the vocabulary is different.

You either never hear from her again, or they become a constant nuisance in your life to the point where you physically shake if you get a text or see a picture of 'em.

Well it looks like I'm going down road number 1. I guess from an objective point of view I should be counting my lucky stars that I'm going down road number 1.

No seriously cup.car that was a wake up call to what re-engagement can be like. The more stories I read like that, the more I become happy that it looks like I'm down road number 1.

To be perfectly honest, I'm frightened of my ex in a serious sense. I have no idea what she is capable of. Even her old boyfriends, and her closest friends, were shocked to learn just how bad things had gotten with my ex, and they knew her for years longer than I did. It appears my ex is getting worse with time. She is going down a dark path, and I feel horrible that I want to help her so much but she's eliminated me.

When my loving hippy butter wouldnt melt StbExW sent me a SMS/TEXT saying 'we now have sharp knives first i'm going to cut me then i'm going to cut you and we can both be a meat sculpture'

thats when i saw how dark and disordered they can be and was the catalyst for me leaving and not wanting contact or to be near her again... .who knows what they could do or set you up so they can accuse

we all loved our ex's... .we just learned to love ourselves a lil bit more 

Reecer

I can understand how you feel. I was one month out when I was re-cycled. I allowed it to happen in spite of suspecting she was BPD as I felt it was the lesser of 2 evils (I was f*%$ed anyway, so what the hell!) . I spent the next 3 months viewing the relationship, including the new honeymoon period, as being with a borderline. When the inevitable happened I was surprisingly ok as the pattern simply corresponded to the scenario I had envisaged based on research. I took the risk as I was confident in my ability to put up my own barriers - but it is a very high risk strategy if you're emotionally vulnerable.

As to whether she will re-engage you - it's all about survival for her. She dumped you in order to survive, and if her disordered mind tells her that her future survival is contingent on re-engaging with you - then brace yourself for an e-mail or text... .

It does get easier as time goes by. I was replaced within a week, not saying yours has a replacement, but chances are there's somebody. They are just not wired to be alone for a significant period of time. Of course everyones different, but if you follow these posts, you will see a pattern to their conduct. Its like the theatre. Different players, same script. I have not been recycled, the only contact Ive had in the almost 8 months was one time wishing her happiness after seeing her picture with the new guy, which was met with a very harsh response(lesson learned) and of course during my son's sporting events. I have alot of respect for those of you who are strong enough to handle a recycle. I, for one, am not. It's my biggest fear. I neve want anything to to with this woman again in any way, shape, or form. I gave a woman with 5 kids my heart and soul and it was shat on. Not in any rush to repeat that ever again. I know its rough Reecer, but damnit, there are better people to have in your life than someone who uses, abuses and discards a loved one.

Deenos right on the money with reecer this BPD or not the way most of the members have been treated by their x partners is disgusting and inhuman in many cases .

You probably like me need to work on your self esteem and realise that you don't need anything from your x not even a smile , I know myself there's a need for her to validate me to say I mattered to show she still cares .  That's because of my issues not hers that's what I and prob you bro need to work on .

We let people treat us the way we feel about ourselves  *)

|iiii

Last night I had a nightmare about seeing my ex again, and this is what happened in it:

My ex and I were in a room together and I was telling her that I was glad to see her again, but I was explaining to her that we needed to have long discussions about how her behavior made me feel and how it affected me. She argued with me at first but then I told her that I cared about her very much but simply could not take the abuse again. She agreed and started apologizing to me.

We then walked into another room together and sat down. I thought about how I should have told her to go hone earlier but I wanted her to stay longer.

I heard the gameroom door open and My ex was standing at the entrance of the door, I was laying down.

My mom and dad walked in, my mom saw her at there and screamed out loud and then i woke up

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This isn't the first nightmare about my ex i've had but it was the first one about the future rather than the past. To be perfectly honest guys, the part of me that wants to be contacted by my ex is diminishing.

You know it's funny... .I can post on here that 'man it's been two

Months and I haven't heard a thing from her... .I wish I would hear from her' and I can get substantial and thorough responses.

I understand that no one here in all honesty can tell

Me anything more than "statistically speaking it's likely at some point she will contact you"

I guess just hitting the two month mark was a tough day for

Me.

I'm about 6 months of NC today (with some LC in the first month for organisational matters). Haven't heard  from her for over 5 months. I can't tell you if your ex will ever contact you again. But if you stay on your way the day will come, when you really don't want her to contact you ever again. 

Focus on that mindset because it's the quickest path to freedom.

A lot of people on here will read up on BPD and learn that they can be incredibly caring and nurturing in other aspects of life, and on some occasions they've seen examples of really awesome, humbling behavior as well from their ex. My ex could be incredibly well spoken at times, especially for her age, and there were times I really enjoyed just talking with her. If only she could be like that when it came to dealing with our relationship, I used to think.

Lots of people long for re-engagement because they hope all of the good aspects of their ex's personality will finally cross over into the relationship and things will either get better or y'all can go your separate ways on good terms after talking things out. Everyone longs for that talk in the parking lot where you both apologize to each other, or that lengthy phone call where it all comes out - the stereotypical "movie scenes" that make up all relationships.

Those "movie scenes" aren't possible with a pwBPD. You just get mountains and mountains of crazy.

We met in a hospital.

What I hoped would happen: Your average retarded teenage relationship.

What actually happened: I spent six months listening to her cry about her dad allegedly beating her and other miscellaneous problems.

She gave me the silent treatment.

What I hoped would happen: We'd either break up and never speak to each other again, or we'd work through it.

What actually happened: Apparently she was a lesbian and I was supposedly forcing her to go against her sexuality.

I got a lengthy message from her months after our breakup saying I was the best thing to ever happen to her and that she missed me.

What I hoped would happen: We'd get back together.

What actually happened:  She got mad at me when I asked if she wanted to get back together, and then didn't talk to me for a year.

She called me crying in the middle of the night, begging to see me.

What I hoped would happen: We'd get back together and start a proper relationship now that we'd both graduated.

What actually happened: The relationship lasted maybe a month before she woke up one day, pretended to not know who I was, and claimed I was stalking her.

I met up with her in a parking lot at 2am to ask why she was calling my mom and why there were rumors she was spreading STD's and sleeping around.

What I hoped would happen: She'd break down, realize how much of a mess she was, and ask me for help.

What actually happened: She punched me in the face, then spent the next week obsessively texting my friends and I until six in the morning.

Her dad made legal threats towards me.

What I hoped would happen: He'd leave me alone once I told him it wasn't my fault his daughter has issues.

What actually happened: She spent most of the summer chasing me around the internet to pick a fight with me until I was forced to take her to court.

I think that my ex has really moved on, and I will never hear from her again. She's gone already two months without it, and I see no reason to believe anything will ever change that.  I also think that by continuing to look at her social media, especially pinterest, is preventing me from going through abandonment depression. It brings me horrible pain to say that this thing is over. But I can tell that she has moved on from me. That she doesn't want me anymore. And I know that I must stop looking at her things. I must break down. I must go through this abandonment depression. I must lose any hope that she will contact me. I must destroy it.

I miss her very much. I wish she would just talk to me.

In some ways I very much feel like not hearing from her is killing me. It's killing me man. It's just eating me alive. I can not believe she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. That she will never want anything to do with me again.

And this is not to minimize anyone's experience, but whenever I read a thread "My ex has contacted me after a long period of NC!, It's horrible" I just seethe from head to toe with raging envy. You lucky asss. Try being me. Try radio silence. Try not a peep.

I am going to stop looking at her social media.

I will go through abandonment depression.

And hopefully I will come out stronger that I came in. Because I'm very weak now.

Like I said brah, it's not a movie scene. It's mountains and mountains of crazy.

There is no long talk about feelings or some sort of picturesque moment where y'all reconcile and fix things. Just more stuff to memorize and document for the inevitable police report.