BPDFamily.com

My husband's parents are two very sweet people. They love their grandchildren very much. When my husband was single and his daughters were younger they were a great help. Right now we are dealing with the new BPD diagnosis with my SD18 and my in-laws are struggling with this so much and quite frankly have told us that she doesn't have it and we just need to love her more. We need their help and support but they seemed to think we are just being mean when we set boundaries... .etc. We talk to them about BPD and are trying to educate them but there are somethings they said they just won't do. It breaks my husband's heart when they believe the things that D18 tells them, like we don't love her or care about her. Then this creates friction with us and them. We need help and support from them and we don't want to have any rifts or problems in our family.

Any ideas on how to help them help us?

This is hard stepmomma.  When our extended family try to help and end up making things worse (taking sides, discounting diagnoses).  There was a time my mother replied to my daughter in a way that caused her to feel so rejected she went up to her room and cut herself. 

I have tried to educate my mom about BPD and she is very stubborn in her ways and has little skills herself on how not to negatively triangulate.  The best I can do is talk to my daughter about her grandmother having good intentions and a skills deficit.  This is possible because my daughter has skills and understands that not everyone does.

Might you recommend a book to the grandparents to read so that they can understand how this disorder can manifest itself in adolescents/teens?  Blaise Aguirre has a second edition of "BPD in Adolescents" recently released.  Giving them the book won't make them read it and it does up the chances considerably that they will.

Here's a link to the bookreview.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274101.0

If you feel like this idea will be completely rejected there are other books that are non specific to BPD that can help them learn the skills to help your stepd... ."I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary Lundberg and "Boundaries with Teens" by Townsend.  Both are very good reads and the skills is what your stepd needs from them... .accompanied by unconditional love.

lbj

We were in this situation.  It wasn't until DD 18 went into one of her rages right in front of them (she'd always held it better together with them) that they understood and we got on the same page.  Sometimes people have to see for themselves!

This is what happened with my mother, too. My son went into a rage in front of her and she was so shocked and frightened that she finally got it. She still won't even communicate with him, but then she has a lot of narcisstic traits and that's how she operates.

I'm wondering, too, if you are experiencing the Karpman drama triangle?

You can read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.msg605517#msg605517

There is an alternate to the drama triangle called The Empowerment Dynamic, where each of the Karpman roles: rescuer, persecutor, victim becomes coach, challenger, and creator.

Understanding that these dynamics occur in dysfunctional relationships can help you see how drama begins to escalate in a family system. Someone suffering from BPD will often feel like he or she is the victim, even though the behaviors are more persecutory. Your parents may then see themselves as the rescuers. You may feel as though you are the victim, and they are persecuting you. The roles can move around, and often, no one is listening to each other, and feels like digging in their heels because their perspective is not being validated.

To get out of the drama triangle, you have to be able to see the roles, and make hard decisions about how to participate. Sometimes, we make the drama worse for ourselves. With skills, we can make it better. Validation is often recommended as a skill for improving communication with a person who is BPD, but it can also help with extended family. Without it, your parents are going to keep digging in their heels and essentially validate the "invalid" perspective of your D.

You might have to ask validating questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

LnL

Grandparents are often from a generation that did not deal with mental illness.  It was a family's best-kept secret.  Never talked about.  An embarrassment.

They do resist accepting that a family member is mentally ill, especially when it is a child or grandchild.

All we can do is to try to explain the disorder.  If they witness the rages, that is good as it adds credibility to what they have been told.  Remember, Unless one lives with this devastating mental illness, they really cannot grasp the severity.

On the other hand, parents must stay true to their beliefs about BPD, and strive to take care of themselves.  We KNOW what we are dealing with and cannot count on the support of others who do not understand.  We CAN count on the support of BPDF and each other. 

This site is a Godsend for us.

When my daughter was diagnosed, I ordered copies of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for each of the grandparents and tried to explain a little about the disease.  My mom read it right away and she and my dad will always take their cues from me about what to do.   They show unconditional love and that is good for her.  I don't share every bad thing she does with them, but I do say things like do not give her money, please don't enable her  when she is making bad choices, please talk to me if you have concerns.  They have and it has gone well.  My husband's mother took the book, said she would read it, although I know she did not.  She too provides my daughter with unconditional love and that is a good thing for her.  We have asked the same thing of her, don't give her money, don't help her out of tough situations and so far she has been able to do that.  I have tried to practice radical acceptance of her inability to comprehend my daughters situation in a way that I would like her too.  I have learned that she just doesn't have it in her to understand this disease (but her rosary beads sure get a workout as she prays for my daughter so that is a good thing too---can't have enough prayers).  I don't know what to tell you, other than you are not alone, and if you can come up with some good suggestions, or things that have worked for you I would love to hear it.