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The last thread was almost full and I'd breached NC so wanted to start fresh.

I'm on day 2 now and this is the worst I've felt since our first break up.

I am not sure why this time is worse than all the others but I can feel obsessive thinking creeping in. Also the last two days I've snapped wide awake very early in the morning with the obsessive thinking kicking straight in. This has not happened in a while.

I want her to arrive on my doorstep and say she's sorry for taking me for granted and she won't do it anymore and wants to work on us but I know that's not going to happen.

Ah well here's to day 2

InfernO I've been where you are and actually about to hit my day 30 of N/C. It isnt easy but when you understand, take a step back and realize the importance of N/C it will make things easier for you. I am actually finishing my 4th and God Willing my last ever recycle. The 1st time I got dropped on my head w/out reason, warning or any type of closure I was in full blown panic. I did the pleading, the begging, the texts the emails you name it. Even if your xBPB Partner was Non-BPD this type of behavior is a total turn off. I learned this from reading and watching videos by a Relationship Coach named Corey Wayne. You can find much of his stuff on Youtube. There are also many vids on No Contact Rule and why it is soo important for you! I simply gave up after a month the first go round.

90 days or so passed and I got an out of the blue text from her. I was like a young kid that just got the call from a recruiter at Harvard telling me I was accepted. I didnt set any boundaries, rules, nothing. We both acted as though nothing ever happened. This is called Splicing, I didnt know it back then. After about 4-6 months she started with the same stuff, the lies, the cheating and painted me Black. She dropped me on my head again. This time I was totally prepared to walk away and never look back. I didnt do anything to initiate contact. Like an atomic clock, after about 80 days I get a random email. Thinking I had this down, I went in gradually, setting limits and rules. Back together for about 4 months. A slight disagreement and guess what happened? Yes, she dropped me again. Anyway, this happened one more time this last Valentines Day and No Matter how much I have learned and educated myself about BPD you will NEVER have The Upper Hand. Almost 3 years, lots of money, lots of sex, tears, hope, etc and it was never enough. As a matter of fact I have another post discussing how I became suicidal. Bro, if she doesnt contact you... count your blessings.

To 100% avoid what you are actually Wishing for I blocked her number on my phone to texts and calls. I set my Google Email account to actually delete anything that comes from her known addresses. What you will learn on your own is that at some point, 3 weeks from now, 3 months or 3 years away she Will Appear in some form. If what your feeling and experiencing is something that you are that addicted to that you want to keep embracing it for as long as you're around her then you should keep reading these posts, get help. Let her settle into her emotions and you take this time to get stronger and realize that you may be Co-Dependent or have some other issues as to why you're willing to accept this type of behavior and pain. I finally learned I am Co-dependent and working on it. Best I can say.

Ah, bummer man. I broke NC in what I thought was some harmless Facebook unblocking about two days ago as well and I've been feeling pretty terrible tonight, but we have to experience the pain to learn from it, even if it takes a few times. Keep your strength and resolve. Use the pain at motivation for your own need to fully recover by not contacting her.

You got this.

I do feel for you.  How about writing out a list of all the crazy you have had to put up with?  I did that and would read it every time I felt weakened.

I can relate to the acting like nothing ever happened. I think it's difficult to walk away when there has been a traumatic ending. Both the  BPDex and the non can get conditioned by recycling as we expect things to blow over each time and the nice times to return, but the next wave is only a matter of time away. The book the Betrayal bond helped me understand why I have become so anxious - we get conditioned by the push/pull like monkeys in a laboratory.

I hope you can stick to NC this time inferno, I will be rooting for you. If you don't then you will when the time is right for you   :'(

 Inferno

Sorry brother. I completely relate.

Ive have been strong and weak. Ive literally had my finger on the unbocked button Saturday. Luckily fb does ask "are you sure you want to unblock *****" and I mustard up the strenght to not unblock. I did lose my current job because of my issues after the b/u. When I was called into my office and they terminated me. I said ive been here for 10yrs and you guys dont even want to hear why I missed so many days and why my work has been off . Luckily for me my boss  was willing to listen. As soon I said my ex has a mental disorder called BPD. He gave me a strange look and said his exwife has the same diagnosis. He instantly apologized and let me stay. Needless to say we had a long conversation about our exs. And know my boss actually says good morning to me now which has never happened in my 10 yrs at this company.

  You are a very strong person I wish you the best of luck!  You will be ok inferno.

I never thought about it this way but BPD actually helped me save my job.

'She was never my girl, it was just my turn' - I like this, it's harsh but a good reminder, thanks

Hey InfernO, sorry this is so hard.  I empathize with you.  I make myself a chart and check off NC days.  I get so excited at the end of the day to get to make another check mark.  

My BPDex (not sure I have the lingo right as this is my first day on here... .what is uBPD?) has been harassing me since I cut ties on Dec 2nd.  I knew I didn't want to feel stress (and/or hope, let's be honest) every time the phone rang.  I got this GREAT app on my phone called BLACKLIST (has a yellow and black shield if you are perusing options) which immediately sends designated numbers to voicemail.  I CANNOT answer his calls even if I wanted to.  Which I don't, but in those moments of weakness having a structure to prevent me from doing so has been very helpful.   I can listen to the messages which has been important as I have wanted to keep my finger on the pulse for days when he is threatening so I can leave home or take other precautions.  

I also changed my FB settings so strangers cannot get through (lest he pose as someone else). I have elected to let email messages through for the same reason as voicemail (know if he is threatening me).  

Of course, to not initiate contact is hard but this has been very helpful.  I think that it would have been way to easy to just let one call go through so am glad to have this app save me from my lesser self.  I have all of his numbers blocked so if calls me today, tomorrow, or in 90+ days he will not be able to get me.  

In fact, reading your post and the replies gives me the important reminder that I need to keep him blocked for ETERNITY.  

Hey I feel your pain... im on day 10... I made the mistake of looking at her kids instagram and it really set me off.  I saved the last bunch of nasty txts she sent me and I reread them when i feel the urge to make contact... .i still feel like puking!

"I want her to arrive on my doorstep and say she's sorry for taking me for granted and she won't do it anymore and wants to work on us but I know that's not going to happen."

Yes, I feel part of this. I don't want my ex back, not even if they paid me for it. I would rather gnaw off my own tit than have him back, lol. But I would so want him to admit to all the hurt and pain he has caused. I want him to admit to being a horrible person and to take the blame for his part of this night mare. But you know what? It is not going happen, ever. And I tell myself that and move on.

What helps me is to write down all the things I want to say to him, in Word. All the anger, the sadness, the indigence, the injustice. And when I am done, I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save the document and I say no.

Because I don't want to play anymore and I don't want to waste my time on enabling his anger. So I get rid of mine in Word and poof! it goes, into cyberspace. Out of my system, but not opening a doorway for him to come back in and screw up my life. He is not worth it.